The Secret Diary of Severus Snape

A/N My gratitude to Roolark, Fara/Kyryn and Pyro Steward for their beta. All the mistakes are mine

20/1/1976
The silent treatment is driving me crazy. The moment I walk in a room everyone looks the other way. Slytherins are pariahs anyway and I have become pariah among pariahs. Perhaps I should accept that that is how it’s always been. Evan was the only one who really cared about me. But now he wants more and I can’t see him the way he does no matter how I try.

Jigger managed to teach Potions today without looking at me once. Of course the fact that no one else in class could answer his questions (while he continually ignored my raised hand) was somehow my fault from the way the seventh years were looking at me. After a while I just stopped raising my hand altogether.

Lucius would look at me from time to time but always looked away whenever I would turn to meet his eyes. Goyle decided to show an unfortunate initiative during one of the times I had turned to glance at Lucius. An explosion would have certainly gotten Jigger to pay some attention to me but I managed to avert it at the last minute. I wonder whether Goyle will ever understand that substituting one ingredient for another to produce a similar effect does not mean grabbing just any vial, grunting “this will do” and dumping it in our potion.

22/1/1976
I asked Evan to help me with flying. He knows I feel much safer practicing when I’m not alone. I don’t like providing entertainment for half the school as I try to tame my broomstick. Evan told me he has better things to do and he can’t be at my beck and call all the time.

He does have a breaking point and it looks like I’ve pushed him to it. Avery looked like he might be willing to help me, but before I had a chance to ask him, Les grabbed his forearm and whispered something furiously in his ear. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with that little hex of mine.

So? I’ll just practice alone. As for the bastards gathering on the ground to laugh and jeer at me, fuck them! And fuck my so-called friends! I don’t need them. I don’t need any of them!

23/1/1976
Great declaration of independence there… I do need them. I only wanted to practice a little, is that too much to ask? Jigger told me last week that from what Professor Wood told him, I’m very likely to fail flying if I don’t put in an effort. Fail flying!

Had someone given out a signal that there was a free show? Before I knew it there were several Gryffindors and the odd Hufflepuff down on the ground, looking up at me, laughing and pointing. I’m self-conscious as it is, I didn’t need that. And did things get worse? Why, of course they did!

James fucking Potter and his cronies showed up. I decided I’d better get down the moment I saw them but they were too quick for me. . I suddenly found myself in the middle of Potter and Black, one flying on either side, taking turns insulting me.

“Did you pay for that broom, Snivellus?”

Snivellus… You do them the favour of bursting into tears once back in second year and get stuck with that oh, so witty nickname for life.

“Bet he borrowed it from Filch and enchanted it himself. Hurry up, your friend needs it back.”

“I don’t get it, Prongs, can’t Lucius buy his lapdog a decent broom?”

“You’re a cheap lay, aren’t you, Snivellus?”

Two against one. Bumping against me, sending me from one to the other. I held on to my broom as hard as I could and yelled at them to fuck off.

Finally they did leave me alone. One final bump on my broom and they sent me off, looping out of control. I landed rather badly on the ground. I discovered that Hagrid had broken up the crowd. I didn’t have as big an audience as before. I don’t think he had seen Potter and Black playing with me.

“Are you alright, little one?”

Stupid big oaf! Did I look alright?

“Cheap lay”. So much for Lucius and myself being discreet. Half the bloody school knows.

Evan saw me a while ago as I was getting ready for bed. My left side is black and blue from the tumble I took. He looked like he wanted to speak to me but it was my turn to ignore him.

24/1/1976
Lucius patted the seat next to him today at breakfast. I joined him. There were curious looks from all around us. It must have been that betting pool. I sat on Lucius’ hand. I turned to apologise but a look at his expression told me it was intentional. He slowly started to lift my robes until his hand was under it, only my pants separating it from my skin.

“Lucius, please, we’re in public,” I whispered.

He brought his finger to his lips and gave me a wicked smile while the fingers in his other hand insinuated themselves inside my pants.

I helped him pull them down making small, hopefully innocent-looking movements. I probably looked like I had ants in my pants. Stefan was staring daggers at us but one glare from Lucius got him to mind his own business.

How was I supposed to eat with Lucius’ fingers there? I choked on a bit of egg as he pressed inside of me and reached to stroke under my balls with his thumb.

I couldn’t breathe, moving slightly on top of his hand, my prick rock hard and leaking against the front of my robes. No question of eating, of course, yet Lucius spread some jam on a piece of toast and fed it to me.

He casually pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the back of my robes, the sick fucker. I was not in a particularly presentable state as it was and I had to wonder how on Earth I’d manage to get up and casually lift up my pants.

Breakfast wasn’t over. Neither was Lucius with me. He reached and scooped some jam with his finger.

“That’s disgusting, Malfoy,” someone murmured. If only that someone had known where that finger had just been…

Lucius slipped his arm behind my back. At that point I’d guessed whatwantwanted to do. More or less.

“Passthe the pumpkin juice,” he said to me. I went for the closest jug but he stilled my hand.

“No, that one.”

And he pointed to one that was definitely not within easy reach. No, I had to raise my bum off my chair a little to reach it and of course, when I sat back again… Three fingers… the crazy bastard… three fingers all the way in, covered in jam but still… I stifled a cry as I barely managed not to come in my robes. From internal stimulation alone (unless you count the inside of my robes brushing against my prick) that would be a first.

I put the jug of pumpkin juice back, finally finding a reason to move on Lucius’ fingers again. Not as deep as I wanted them, not really as thick as what I wanted… I clenched furiously, trying to keep my movements at a minimum. I couldn’t exactly keep reaching for stuff across the table. It’s not as though breakfast isn’t more or less the same for everyone.

“I’ll finish taking my breakfast somewhere private,” Lucius whispered to me, a wicked gleam in his pale eyes. He wiggled his fingers in me. “How about it?”

Did he have to ask? The risk of what we were doing, the potential embarrassment… I’ll admit to having a fantasy of him fucking me in the Great Hall but the reality was proving to be quite different for me.

“My pants,” I whispered. “Need to pull them up.”

“I don’t think so.”

“What do you m”
”

“Kick them off.”

“What? And leave them here?”

One more thing for the house elves to clean, I suppose. I simply did it. I got up and he discreetly took his hand away. I followed him to his closest lovers’ nest, a storage room, crowded and dusty. He pushed me to the wall and hitched up my robes. It felt strange to be wearing nothing underneath.

He grabbed me harshly and I braced myself for him to enter me. I was in for a surprise. I felt him kneel behind me.

“Lucius, what are you doing?”

“I said I have to finish my breakfast,” he said and dipped in.

And it was wet and warm and wonderful and at the same time rather disgusting. I had to wonder at the taste, sweet blackcurrant and whatever it is that my arse tastes like. I bent against an old dusty desk in front of me. I couldn’t stand.

He was holding hard onto my buttocks, his nails digging into my flesh (leaving crescent shaped marks as I later found out). I was murmuring to him to get on with it, just hurry and fuck me. He went on, licking and biting.

I reached and cushioned my prick against the hard wood of the desk, trying to thrust into my fist but Lucius had me pinned. I whined at him again to hurry up.

He did step back then, spreading my legs as far as they would go. He pushed inside me violently. I couldn’t keep back a cry. I was relaxed but spit makes for very poor lubricant. At least I could wank properly then, fucking my fist as he rammed me. He did it so forcefully my feet weren’t touching the floor. It hurt, it burnt… it was amazing. Will it be like that with anyone else? Will there ever be anyone else? What if this is it? Perfect sex now and things going downhill from here on?

Not that it really was perfect. My back hurt, I had bashed my head on the desk a couple of times before I managed to brace my face with my arms. I couldn’t see Lucius… I hate it when I can’t see Lucius. All I could see was an old blackboard, a Desbourges Arithmancy calculation still on it. Some part of my brain was even trying to solve it.

Lucius was whispering into my ear. I didn’t pay attention to what exactly he was saying.

And then I came, warm come splashing against my belly and not sparing my robes though I had hitched them up as far as they would go. Lucius no longer spoke, just gave out a cry, closer to pain than anything else and pushed in impossibly deep and soon I felt his spunk bathing my insides… hot… so incredibly hot.

And that’s how he stayed, collapsed against me slowly softening inside me as though we had all the time in the world, which we didn’t. I had Charms, he had Transfiguration and Slytherin couldn’t afford to lose any points, Lestrange losing us fifty the other day for cursing Lily Evans (“because she’s a mudblood” he’d said but I’m sure it was because she beat him at duelling) has hit us very hard, putting Gryffindor so far ahead that we might never catch up.

Lucius was talking to me, his warm breath hitting my ear, making me shiver. I had to concentrate to understand what he was saying.

“I want this. I want you. I want to fuck you first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Feel your skin. Lick it. And it’s usually a little salty. And sometimes it’s bitter, other times even sweet. And I realise it’s from whatever potion you’d been making or what you washed with but I’m always curious about it. I always want to taste you. And I want no one, no one, absolutely no one else touching you. Rosier… just the thought of him touching you makes me want to kill him. Or kill you.”

His tone was gentle, unlike his words, as he stroked on my chest and teased at my nipples as he spread my come on my belly with slow, circular movements. He was still inside me, hardening again and as his hand moved lower it was obvious that he wanted a second round. Excuses for how I was going to explain my absence kept running through my mind so his hand trying to stroke me to hardness with my come was not getting much of a reaction.

He moved slightly inside me, not fully hard yet but he thrust gently. “If I had my way I’d keep you somewhere where no one would ever see you. Not ev

“Lucius, stop it!”

He was silent for a while. Silent and very still.

“Stop it,” I murmured again with far less strength. “I have to go to class. Salvage what I can. Flitwick is soft, he may not take any points. Please, Lucius!”

The mere notion of someone saying no to him appeared quite foreign. He pulled out abruptly. I slowly turned to face him.

“Lucius, some other time,” I said gently.

Anger had painted two bright spots of pink high on his cheekbones.

“Fine. Go.” he snapped at me.

I lowered my robes, all too aware of what a mess I looked. I gave him a pleading look.

With a sigh of resignation he took a hold of his wand and muttered a cleaning spell.

“Thanks,” I tried to say.

“Get lost.”

And I did. Literally. I thought I’d play smart and take a shortcut to the Charms classroom. I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at the other side of the castle.

I did eventually manage to get to Charms… just as the class was ending. Flitwick motioned to me to stay at the door.

As the others started to leave the class he called me to him. Some Hufflepuffs had lingered to see what was going on but he calmly ordered them outside.

“What happened, Mr Snape? I’d assume you overslept but I distinctly remember seeing you at breakfast.”

I tried to stop myself from blushing with the thought of what he may have witnessed.

“I got lost on my way here, sir,” I muttered.

“On your way here from the Great Hall?”

I told him that I had taken a shortcut. I hadn’t managed not to blush and I felt the unpleasant heat of embarrassment on my face and neck.

And then he asked me whether I’m alright. Whether I perhaps have a fever. It felt as though he was offering me a way out. I didn’t take it.

“No, I’m fine. Just fine.” I murmured, looking furtively at the door.

He sighed. “I have no choice but to take ten points from Slytherin, you understand?”

I nodded, bewildered at the thought of a teacher apologising about taking points. From Slytherin, no less.

“It could be avoided, of course. If you were to go to Madam Pomfrey…” There he was trying to spare me again.

I shook my head. There was no way I would let Pomfrey examine me. There was no spunk on myself or my robes anymore but many more signs of what Lucius and I had been up to still remained. Pomfrey has kept quiet in the past but will it last?

Flitwick was going on. He asked me whether I was sure about that reminding me that he wouldn’t have to take the points if Madam Pomfrey excused me.

I was silent.

Flitwick sighed. “Fine then, ten points from Slytherin.” Good old Flitwick… It seemed to hurt him more than it hurt me.

And then he told me that I’m a good student and that even though I’m not naturally talented in Charms I work hard and he’s proud of my progress. And why should I care what a creature that reaches no higher than my bellybutton thinks of me? Why should I be so oddly moved by his words? Am I that desperate for fatherly affection?

I made my excuses quickly and fled the classroom.

Going to classes starkers under my robe was a new and not particularly pleasant experience. For the first time since my life started revolving around Lucius Malfoy I was happy for the fact that I didn’t have Potions or Defence today. I did see him at lunch, of course but he didn’t sit with me. Neither did anyone else. I tried to slip away quietly but Jigger’s eyes fell on me just as I was getting up. Why should I care about what he may tell my father? Would it upset my father to know that I haven’t been eating much? No, he couldn’t care less. And neither should Jigger.