Book of Shadows

6

That night after everyone is asleep, Harry lies awake. He pets Crookshanks until the cat is fast asleep and he is the only one left conscious. Carefully, he disentangles himself from Crookshanks and finds his knife. He doesn\'t understand why he is so hurt by this rejection from Snape. Yet he knows that there is something that Snape is feeling and doesn\'t speak of. Harry wants so badly to go down to the dungeons and profess some kind of undying love.

He grips the handle of the knife tightly and rolls up the sleeve of his pajamas. He rips and tears into his skin with such ferocity he is almost scared. He mutilates the rose he made so carefully that morning until his skin is open and bubbling. The blood is hot and thick as it flows from him and for once, Harry wishes he could cry.

He wonders what Snape would think if he saw Harry now; cowering on his bed and holding his bleeding limb. He drops the knife and it bounces against the duvet. The blade is slicked with his blood and he thinhat hat this is the greatest art of all. He rocks back and forth and starts to laugh lowly as it gets hard to focus. He grabs his wand and performs a clotting charm that Madam Pomfrey taught him once. The cuts are instantly covered with black, dry blood. He performs a cleaning spell on the duvet so the pool of blood never gets a chance to dry. He coughs and sniffles as he puts the knife away and rolls down his sleeve. His arm is aching and he thinks it might be hard to move it in the morning. He lies back down and stares at the canopy above him. His breathing is hard, labored but forced. It\'s never felt like this before and for the first time, he almost regrets doing it.

He blinks slowly. He feels weak as the feeling returns to his arm. He watches as his fingers curl at his command. He\'s still in control. He takes off his glasses with his good arm and places them on the pillow beside him. Crookshanks skulks towards him, climbs onto his stomach and stares at him. Sometimes, Harry thinks Crookshanks knows everything. Crookshanks kneads Harry\'s stomach and purrs before curling his feet beneath him and staring at Harry. His eyes are hard and yellow as he blinks slowly. Harry places his hand gently on the cat\'s back and feels comforted when his hand comes in contact with soft, ginger fur.

Harry lets out a shuddering breath and pulls the covers over them. He\'s suddenly cold in the unfriendly nig Cro Crookshanks scurries out from underneath the blanket but curls up below Harry\'s arm that is bent up by his head. He nuzzles Harry\'s elbow and he bites back a yelp. The pain is horrible but worth it, he knows. If it\'s not better in the morning he\'ll put a pain reliever spell on it. For now, he wants to feel everything. He wants to feel everything he\'s done to himself. It\'s his right.

He blinks slowly and rubs his eyes. He thinks about how he is tasteaster of his own fate now. He hurts himself because there\'s no one else to do it. He never thought that he would like pain so much. But maybe it\'s not the pain that is so fulfilling, maybe it\'s that he does it. He does it to himself. He can stop when he wants, he can whisper the safe-word when it becomes too much for him. At the same time, though, he doesn\'t know when to stop and he doesn\'t know what the safe-word is.

He turns over onto his side so he can pet Crookshanks. He buries his nose in ginger fur and inhales deeply. The pain in this arm is dulling, but maybe it\'s just that he\'s not paying attention to it. He muffles a cough so he doesn\'t wake his roommates. He\'s feeling light-headed and he shouldn\'t be since he closed the wounds. He pulls at the sleeve of his shirt just to make sure. The cuts are all still closed and the clotted blood is thick and dark. He hums softly to himself and to Crookshanks. He wants his book but it\'s in his trunk and he doesn\'t really want to draw anyway. His tongue feels thick in his mouth. He\'s not sure if he can move to get to the trunk. Suddene fee feels so warm and so content that he can hardly believe that he\'s never tried this before. His giggle turns into a puff of air as his eyes close and he passes out.