Revenge of a Hermione Scorned.

A/N: Sorry in delay in updating, apparently, I have to go to uni and lectures. Damn them for getting in the way of writing time.



Daya. – Who is debating skiving tomorrow to carry on writing…



*



The water gushes down over my head, icy cold, I barely breathe, I don’t move.



Am attempting to drown myself in Severus Snape’s sink.



Standing in his (rather nice I noticed before thoughts of death drove me to the sink) bathroom wearing only my bra, my pants, and a cloak borrowed off a werewolf. Its amazing the situations we manage to land ourselves in. Have feeling will be able to look back at this one day and laugh. Roughly around the year 2083. If I haven’t drowned by then.



Grope blindly for tap and increase water.



Ignore banging on door.



Ignore more banging.



Ignore shouting.



Ignore more shouting.



Can’t the man leave me in peace? He’s already driven me to suicide today.



Am not being melodramatic. Am simply shaking off my mortal coil rather than face the humiliation of knowing I shagged Severus Snape. While drunk.



I don’t even have any memories to console myself.



Wonder why this upsets me so much if this was my original plan? After all, I had decided I was going to have my Snape and eat him. (Literally.) Why am I now feeling like this? Perhaps is something to do with the fact he now has this to hold over me for eternity.



Am going to be haunted by flashbacks of his gloating face for ever.

Tap won’t go any further. Damnit. Debate turning hot tap on as well, but do not want to be scalded. Anyway, the cold water is good.



Can see entire Hogwarts History being rewritten – Hermione Granger, once outstanding student, now only known for shagging Severus Snape. Have ruined academic reputation. Will be forced to give up teaching career and work in brothel. On second thoughts, not good idea will probably be thrown out of brothel for lack of experience.



He’s banging on the door again.



‘Miss Granger, if you are attempting to drown yourself, could you please do it somewhere other than my bathroom? I have no desire to see your ghost every time I attempt to take a bath for the rest of my life!’



The sarcasm literally drips from his voice. Does the man have to be right every single fucking time? Is it an innate skill or was it something he learnt along side being a bastard and how to reduce first years to tears with a single glance? Huh, the vanity of this man. As if I would haunt his bathroom anyway? Haven’t I seen enough of a naked Snape to last me a life time?



Actually no. I can’t remember what he looks like naked. This is probably a good thing. I did say probably.



With a sigh I turn off the tap.



Must he disrupt everything?



Bastard.



*



He’s still gloating as I stalk back into dungeon, green towel wrapped round hair. Look like madwoman. Cloak is too big for me, and covered in wolf hair, but thankfully covers everything. Sit in armchair with as much dignity as possible, and fold feet under self.



‘Tea, Hermione, my dear?’ Blush furiously at term of endearment. ‘Or perhaps something to eat? You must be hungry after your ‘exertions’ of last night.’



A flick of his wand (thankfully his magical one this time) and a pot of tea and a vast full English breakfast appears in front of me. Oh gods… am same shade of green as Slytherin as the smell hits my over sensitive nostrils. Will not be sick in front of Severus Snape. Will not be sick in front of Severus Snape.



Run to bathroom again. Once I have finished tingting I will be attempting to drown self in b Failing that there is always the lake.



*



Make my way through the grounds of Hogwarts in a manner than can only be described as ‘stomping’. Last Professor Snape saw of me was banshee screaming through his chambers in a bid for freedom. So am now in bitter cold grounds of Hogwarts. Stomping would also be far more effective if feet weren’t bare and turning blue with cold.



Should have remembered to pick up shoes before I ran out.



No, wait. Shoes are in dungeon chambers along with my wand, my clothes, and my dignity.



Stifle a moan. What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Decide only way to cope is to look on the bright side of life. As soon as I discover it, I will.



‘Fifty points from Ravenclaw!’ I snap at two Sixth year boys who are gawping at me. Is strangely satisfying, can now understand why Snape enjoys doing it so much. Boys are still gawping. Is understandable why. Their trainee Potions Mistress is parading through the school grounds in her bare feet, a cloak, and an emerald green towel wrapped round her head, stolen from Professor Snape’s bathroom. Not that they know the last bit. ‘Each!’



Slytherins, Gryffindors, and Hufflepuffs all suffer the same fate. Have feeling this will be known as the year Hermione Granger single-handedly annihilated the House Cup due to a foul temper.



I apparate back to my flat in such a violent way I do actually disappear in a puff of smoke. Just before I vanish, take petty delight in flicking crude one fingered gesture in the general direction of the dungeons.



Looking back, am not sure who was more surprised. Ron, by my sudden apparition and quite frankly bizarre appearance, or me, who discovered a naked Ron Weasley sprinting across my front room carrying a tub of clotted cream…



(Clotted cream is only remnant from a misguided trip to the West Country with Ron and Harry in November, that ended with a visit to the traditional Flaming Barrel Rolling Competition in Ottery St. Mary, and third degree burns…)



Ron froze like a startled Niffler. I decided to overlook his disturbing nakedness. He on the other hand is staring at me as if had just sprouted another head.



‘Hermione?’ his Adam’s Apple is bobbin so much, I wonder if its making a bid for freedom. ‘What the hell happened to you?’



Ponder telling him the truth. No words come out, so give in and collapse on sofa.



Ineffectively using tub of clotted cream as a modesty device, Ron sits beside me.



‘Ron,’ I sigh, ‘I won’t ask, if you don’t ask…’



‘Fine with me.’



We sit in silence. Moments later, in search of her lover, (whe com comes to taste, who I am to criticise?) Chloe peers out, pixish blonde hair ruffled. ‘Gimme a sec,’ she mutters, dashes back into room, and emerges once more this time wearing a silk kimono. Ron just stares at her, try not to look in direction of clotted cream tub which is beginning to move disturbingly, and no longer covers Ron’s rapidly swelling excitement. Realising this, he quickly swaps tub of cream for cushion.



‘Great,’ I’m fuming by this point. ‘Now ae nee need is Ginny to…’



CRACK.



‘Morning all.’ Ginny grins.



‘Ginny, Remus,’ I grumble. ‘Anyone else?’ Perhaps I should have sold tickets. Half expect knock on door to announce arrival of Albus, Minerva, Flitwick and rest of Hogwarts teaching staff. Bugger. Do not want to think of certain members of Hogwarts teaching staff.



‘Nope, just us!’ Remus smirks.



Bugger Ginny for finding someone as irritatingly chirpy as her.



Becomes glaringly obvious that people are awaiting explanation. Time for some Gryffindor bravery methinks. Look round at motley crew surrounding me. Loved up, and looking like some advert for posh coffee are Remus and Ginny, huddled together on the solitary arm chair, crashed onto the obligatory student bean bag is a kimonoed Chloe, and a naked Ron is crashed out next to me on sofa, his ginger pubed manhood covered by a clashing lime green cushion. Suddenly decide I hate green. Bloody awful colour.



‘C’mon Herm, you have to have a good explanation for this one,’ Ron is beginning to grin in a manner I don’t like, fingers itch to grab wand and give him a hex to rival the slug vomiting one of our second year.



‘I have an explanation,’ I eventually mutter. ‘I’m not sure it’s a good one though.’



Ginny’s grinning too. She’s next for a hex. Thought she was my friend. Evil mare.



Deep breath….. and …..speak….



‘Severus Snape is a bastard who deliberately insulted me, so Ginny and I…’ Make sure people know I was forced into this by Ginny, she’s not getting away with it… ‘decided to get our own back. I was supposed to seduce Snape, and then tell him to sod off at a vital moment. Only…’ argh, have two options here, admit to lusting over Severus Snape, or blame effects of alcohol consumed. This is obviously a no bra… ‘I… ‘I got drunk and made a tit of myself… I… um… made him an offer he didn’t refuse…’



Its been said. Chloe and Ron are perfectly suited to each other I decide. Their gormless matching jaw dropped look is perfectly in sync.



‘Snape?!’ Ron asks in such a high pitched voice, am sure only dogs heard it.



Chloe looks stunned and then giggles. ‘I really didn’t think you’d go through with it, ‘Mione.’



‘Why not?’ am somewhat inantnant by this, despite my current despair over situation.



‘Oh give it a rest, ‘Mione,’ Ginny groans. ‘You couldn’t have really wanted to shag Snape could you?



Bloody warm winter we’re having this year isn’t it? Am saved having to answer by Chloe.



‘I would.’ She says in this strangely dreamy voice. ‘Even though he scared me half to death at school, there was always something very sexy about him. Y’know, I think it’s the power thing…’



Ron and Remus look stunned.



‘Snape?’ Chloe should really attempt to broaden Ron’s vocabulary…



‘Severus? Sexy? Next you’ll be telling me, you find him sexy too!’ Remus glares at Ginny.



Ginny simply shrugs. ‘No, but I can see the attraction.’



Remus looks pissed. Ginny simply smirks. Can sense first lover’s tiff beginning…



‘Snape?!’ Ron exclaims for the third time.



‘You definitely shagged him?’ Chloe is squinting at me with an odd look on her face.



Oh for fucks sake, am sure face will never return to normal colour…



‘Um…apparently so…’



There is a sudden clap of hands and Chloe bounces to her feet (causing Ron’s eyes to nearly fall out of his head…). ‘Right, Remus and Ron, time to make yourselves useful. Get back up to Hogwarts, and get Hermione’s stuff, then go to Hogsmeade and into Honeydukes to pick up supplies. Ginny, ‘Mione and I have work to do.’



Stare at Chloe in disbelief. Apparently the girl does possess a brain and its far more focused and organised than mine right now. Am seeing flatmate in new angelic light, but think it might be too much to throw myself at her feet and hug her ankles right now. Maybe later.



‘Wand!’ I suddenly remember. ‘Don’t forget my wand!’

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‘Get ‘Mione’s wand as well. And I don’t want to see either of you back here for at least two hours. Now scram!’



Ron and Remus both look nervously at Chloe the Dictator, and apparate immediately, despite Ron’s current state of nakedness. Grin to self quietly, wondering how long it’ll take him to notice. Realise Chloe is now ordering me about.



‘…need to get some clothes on, and then we’ll decide what to do next…’



Find myself being ushered into room. Is relief to put on clotagaiagain. Say a quick thank you to the gods that someone is finally taking control of my life. Because it’s certainly not me.



*



Fifteen minutes later am standing in middle of the room, with arms outstretched as Ginny and Chloe recite ancient charm around me. Pray Chloe hasn’t confused this with some ancient fertility rite, and that in nine months time will not be giving birth to a miniature smirking version of Snape. Whatever it is, feel likght ght muppet.



It was necessary, Chloe had decided, to ascertain whether or not I had actually shagged Snape. She knew this spell that apparently would be able to discern whether or not sex had actually taken place. As Ginny rightly pointed out, we only had his word, and Slytherin word at that.



‘How do you know about this spell?’ I ask as Chloe sprinkled me with dried parsley. (It was the closest thing in our pitifully stocked kitchen we had to the required sage.)



‘My mother is an Earthhealer,’ she muttered, lost in concentration. ‘Um, I kinda had to perform this spell on myself a while back, so I asked her for it.’



‘Why did you need it?’ Ginny asks. This girl has no sense of the word ‘privacy’. Although had to admit, was seriously curious myself…



Chloe blushed. ‘First time I shagged Ron, it was all over so quickly I wasn’t sure if anything had happened at all…. It’s not funny!’



It is from where Ginny and I are standing. Fought hard against urge to throw self on floor and howl at the moon with laughter. Ginny was in a similar situation.



‘Oh, piss off. It got better.’ Chloe scowls. ‘And we should be getting a result about now…’



Have strange feeling that stomach is expanding, like over inflated balloon. A sudden burning fills it, then fades to nothing more than a slight tingling.



‘Well?’ I demand.



‘See for yourself,’ Chloe shrugs. Pull up jumper to see red glow suffusing my lower abdomen.



‘What does that mean?’ I ask, have strange feeling that I already know the answer though…



‘If you had shagged Snape, it would have been green,’ Chloe’s voice tails as as anger becomes clear on my face…



‘FUCKING BASTARD!’ I howl, grabbing Ginny’s wand and sprinting for the door.



Only two well timed rugby tackles stop me from reaching my destination, and from heading up to Hogwarts and shoving this wand so far up Severus Snape’s arse, it tickles his treacherous tonsils…



CRACK.



Ron (now dressed in some clothes that obviously belon Rem Remus – the wolf hair gives it away) and Remus apparate to discover me on the floor with Ginny and Chloe sprawled on top of me. Ron looks like every single one of his filthiest fantasies has came true (minus his sister of course…).



‘I’ll kill him,’ am spitting in a blind rage, ‘Am going to fucking kill him…’



‘No you’re not.’ Chloe’s voice is so calm, it scares me into submission.



‘Nope.’ Ginny agrees.



Remus and Ron look terrified, and begin to back away. You do not mess with three plotting witches, greater men and wizards than Ron Weasley and Remus Lupin have discovered to their cost.



‘What do you suggest?’ I ask meekly from underneath the pile of tangled limbs.



*



We eat the supplies from Honeydukes as we scheme and formulate a plan.



It will take time. It will take patience. It will take a lot of self control on my behalf not to remove Severus Snape’s testicles with a rusty scalpel.



But this time… it will work.