Once in a Blue Moon (COMPLETE)

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Rising from the Flames
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When Remus woke the next morning he found himself wrapped snugly around Sirius. He knew he should get up, but he could not bring himself to move. Instead, he sighed deeply and burrowed further under the covers. He couldn’t stay angry with Sirius, not for long, and so he didn’t bother trying to hold onto his resentment.

He didn’t agree with what Sirius had done, but he understood his reasons. He might have been misguided, but his heart was in the right place.

“You awake?” Sirius whispered sleepily.

Remus closed his eyes and ignored him. He knew that when he ‘woke’ he would have to face reality, and he wanted to put that off for just a little while longer.

“Sleep on, love,” Sirius whispered, and Remus could feel him stroking his hair, before resting his hand on his back, holding him close.

Remus wished that they could stay that way forever, but he knew that sooner or later he would have to get up and face the day.

Eventually, he eased himself up and looked down at Sirius, noting that he had drifted back to sleep again, his mouth open slightly as he snored away the morning.

He smiled as he looked down at him, noting every detail for future reference. The tangled black hair was spread out over the pillow and Remus brushed a stray lock aside as gently as he could. The grey eyes were hidden behind the eyelids that were framed with long thick lashes; they were the envy of more than a few of the girls at school. Remus noticed the dark shadows beneath the eyes and realised that Sirius hadn’t slept nearly as much as he should have. There was a faint brush of stubble along his jaw, a rarity for the normally tidy youth. Remus carried on his observations, studying the full red lips, the lower one sticking out slightly in a sleepy pout.

“Sirius?” Remus whispered, hoping that no answer came.

Sirius mumbled something in his sleep, but didn’t wake up.

Remus smiled sadly and leaned down, gently pressing his lips to the other boy’s mouth. It was probably the softest kiss they had ever shared and wasn’t even hard enough to wake the sleeping Sirius.

But it was over all too soon, because Remus knew that if he didn’t stop, then he was running the risk of Sirius waking up and he would want to know why he was kissing him in such a manner. Soft kisses could hardly be passed off as the passionate urges of the wolf, and if Sirius was going to stay safe, he had to be kept at a distance.

Remus traced the lips he had just kissed with his finger one last time, before he climbed out of bed and dressed.

There was an owl waiting for him on the kitchen table, and Remus wasn’t particularly surprised to see that it was carrying a small scroll from Dumbledore.

He skimmed the contents quickly and saw that it merely reiterated what the headmaster had said to him the previous day. His place at Hogwarts was safe, and he hoped that, despite the difficulties, he would return to finish his N.E.W.T.s.

Remus boiled the kettle and sat down at the table, still undecided on what he was going to do. He was on his second cup of tea when he heard the sound of someone knocking on the front door. He felt the reappearance of butterflies in his stomach and hoped that whoever it was would go away.

The banging continued and Remus realised that he wasn’t going to be left in peace. He wondered if it was someone from one of the papers; they had been calling out to him to speak with them at the Ministry, but he had ignored them all, seeking only to escape. He hoped they had not tracked him down after all.

He placed his cup on the table and walked through the living room towards the front door.

“Remus! Sirius! Come on, open up!”

Remus breathed a sigh of relief as he recognised the voice of James Potter. He quickened his step slightly and opened the front door to reveal James, Peter and Lily on his path.

“It’s about time,” James said as he pushed his way inside. “It’s bloody pouring out here.”

“What are you doing here?” Remus asked as the other two followed James into the living room.

“Came to see how long you were planning on skiving,” Peter said.

“Brought you the homework you’ve missed,” added Lily, pulling numerous parchments out of her bag.

“Where’s Sirius?” James asked as he sat down in one of the chairs and put his feet up on the table.

“In bed,” Remus said with a frown of confusion.

“Lazy git,” James muttered. “Hey, got any food here?”

Remus pointed vaguely towards the kitchen.

“Honestly,” Lily muttered as James hurried into the kitchen. “I swear he’s got a bottomless pit for a stomach.”

Remus shrugged and sat down on the sofa. Lily sat down next to him and he couldn’t seem to stop himself from shying away.

“How are you doing?” Lily asked quietly.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Remus replied. “Haven’t you heard what happened?”

Lily snorted. “Of course I’ve heard. The whole school knows.”

“Rita done another newsletter, has she?” Remus asked bitterly.

Lily shook her head. “No. She wanted to, but Professor McGonagall stopped her when she caught her trying to sneak out to the Ministry for the trial. Everyone knows anyway though.”

“If that’s the case, why are you all here?”

“Because we’re worried about you,” Lily said, as though this should be obvious.

“But I killed someone,” Remus pointed out.

“We know,” Peter said, and James came back into the room to nod his own agreement to the statement.

“Doesn’t anyone realise how serious this is?” Remus asked.

“Of course we realise,” Lily replied. “We’re going to hold a memorial service for her near the lake. We thought you’d want to know.”

“We’re going to ask Dumbledore if we can plant a tree or something in her memory,” James added.

“She’s probably prefer to have the Quidditch pitch named after her,” Peter pointed out.

Remus nodded in agreement.

“So, how are you doing?” Lily asked again.

Remus sighed. “I’m a murderer who has got away with it because of corruption in the Ministry,” he snapped. “I’m doing better than I should be, wouldn’t you say?”

“You’re not a murderer,” Lily said. “You didn’t know what was going to happen and we know you’d never have hurt her. You can’t blame yourself.”

“Why not?” Remus asked. “I’m the one who tore her throat out! I’m the one…”

His voice broke and he couldn’t seem to manage to find the words to finish the sentence. But there was no need, because suddenly Lily was reaching out and pulling him into her arms and he was crying and sobbing and shaking.

He was vaguely aware of the others closing in, too. James and Peter and Sirius, who had emerged from the bedroom, were all holding him, surrounding him and refusing to let him go.

It was a long time before he pushed everyone away and then only because he was having some small difficulty in breathing.

“Feel better now?” Lily asked with a small smile.

Remus sniffed as he pulled up his knees and curled up in the corner of the sofa. He could feel Sirius behind him, perched on the arm and tried to resist the temptation to lean back against him, desperately seeking the closeness he was craving. James was leaning on the back of the sofa, Lily was sitting beside him and Peter was on the floor. They had him quite thoroughly surrounded. He nodded and rubbed his nose. “A bit,” he mumbled. “But it doesn’t change anything.”

“We got a copy of your timetable,” Peter suddenly said, pulling it from between the parchments that Lily had dropped on the coffee table. “We’re going to make sure one of us is with you all the time, just in case you’re worried about the other students.”

“I don’t think I’m going to go back to Hogwarts,” Remus replied quietly.

“Why not?” James asked. “Because some people might gossip about you?”

“They’ll find someone new to talk about in a couple of weeks,” Lily added.

“It’s not that,” Remus said. “At least, it’s not just that. I just don’t think I should be around people any more.”

“You can’t avoid people forever,” Sirius pointed out.

“I can try,” Remus muttered.

Sirius sighed, but Lily, who was always one for action rather talking, decided that other tactics were called for, and she reached across and slapped Remus upside the head.

“Nicely done,” Romulus applauded from where he had appeared across the room.

“Hey!” Remus exclaimed. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Says who?” Romulus asked. “You can’t avoid everyone forever, and the longer you put off going back to the castle, the worse it will be.”

“You’ve all lost your minds,” Remus told them as he straightened his hair, only to have Sirius reach out and affectionately ruffle it again. “I can’t be around people after this; it’s too dangerous. I’m too dangerous.”

“You’re only dangerous one night of the month,” Sirius pointed out.

Remus twisted round to look at Sirius. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” Sirius replied immediately.

Remus sighed and turned back to the others; they were all nodding in agreement. “None of you understand,” he said. “I might only transform once a month, but I’m a werewolf every day of the month. The wolf is inside me all the time.”

“But you’re not a danger to anyone the rest of the month,” Sirius insisted.

“No more dangerous than anyone else, anyway,” James added.

“Of course I’m more dangerous than normal people,” Remus snapped. “Aren’t you listening? I’m a werewolf.”

“Yeah, we’re listening,” Peter said. “But it seems to me that you’re not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Peter got up from the floor and sat down on the coffee table. “You remember those bullies who slashed you?” Remus nodded. “They had a choice, right? They didn’t have to attack you, but they made a choice to do it. They made a choice to do something to hurt you.”

“And they were expelled for it,” Remus pointed out. “But Dumbledore’s pet werewolf gets away with a lot worse as usual.”

“Your situation is totally different to theirs, but that’s not the point I was wanting to make. My point is that they had a choice, just like everyone else has a choice in how they behave. You can’t control your behaviour on the night of the full moon, and we understand that. But the rest of the time you can choose what to do just the same as the rest of us. You say the wolf is inside you, but the rest of us don’t need a wolf in us to do horrible stuff. Have you ever thought that maybe the wolf is just the wicked part of you?”

“The wolf is very real,” Remus reminded him. “Claws, teeth, fur, the works.”

“We know that,” James said. “We’re just saying that what you call your wolf impulses during the rest of the month, might just be your own impulses.”

“Which is why I shouldn’t be around people!”

“No,” Lily replied. “You just need to do what the rest of us do, control your wilder impulses.”

Sirius snorted and made a valiant effort not to look at James, who, having been on the receiving end of her hexes on numerous occasions, was well aware that Lily wasn’t the best person to be offering that particular bit of advice.

“We’ve all got our faults,” Lily continued. “I’ve got a temper that I’m too quick to lose, Sirius has a jealous streak a mile wide, James doesn’t think things through, and Peter is too easily swayed into causing trouble. We’ve all got things we have to work on, not just you.”

“It’s good advice,” Romulus said. “And you know I’ll haunt you and plague you until you go back to school.”

Remus sighed. He knew he could argue with Sirius, but he couldn’t argue with all of them.

“Is that a ‘yes’?” Lily prompted.

“I’ll come back tomorrow,” Remus finally agreed.

“Definitely?” James asked. “You’re not just saying that to get rid of us?”

Remus shook his head. “I’ll spend the rest of today working through the work I’ve missed the last couple of days.”

Peter turned to Sirius. “You going to do the same?”

Sirius shrugged. “Kind of depends if I’m welcome to stay here,” he said, with a pointed glance at Remus.

“Do you even need to ask?” Remus said, adding with a small smile, “Who else am I going to copy off of?”

Sirius grinned. “We’ll be back at Hogwarts tomorrow then.”

Lily nodded and leaned across to give Remus another hug. “You take care of yourself, and try not to let the guilt eat you up.”

“I can’t help feeling guilty,” Remus replied.

“I know, but try not to let it overwhelm you.”

Remus nodded as Lily patted him on the back. Only a pointed cough from James caused them to pull apart.

“You’ve nothing to worry about,” Remus told him with another watery smile.

“Yeah?” James asked, and Remus didn’t fail to notice his quick glance towards Sirius.

Once the three guests had left, Remus turned to Romulus who he could tell was eager to impart some piece of news to him. “You got something else to say?” he asked.

Romulus nodded. “I’ve been to see Belby this morning, to discuss the spells on the basement. He thinks that he’s really close to a breakthrough in his work.”

Remus tried to feel enthusiastic about the idea, but he couldn’t help but think that even if the cure was discovered right now, it was already too late.

“I need you to do me a favour,” Romulus continued, waving Remus into the study.

“Sure,” Remus replied as Romulus scanned the shelves.

“I need you to send Athena to Belby with the books I used to set up the spells on the basement,” Romulus said, pointing to first one book and then another.

Remus pulled them off of the shelves while Sirius dug out some wrapping paper.

“I’ll let him know they’ll be on their way soon,” Romulus said and he vanished from the room once more.

“Are you going to be all right?” Sirius asked as soon as they were alone together.

Remus sighed and sat down at the desk. “I guess. I just feel like I’ve not been punished at all for what happened.”

“Rubbish.”

“It’s not rubbish.”

“Yes, it is,” Sirius replied. “You shouldn’t be punished for something that wasn’t your fault, and you’re actually punishing yourself far worse than the Wizengamot ever could right now.”

“I didn’t think of it like that.”

“Charlie wouldn’t want to see you tearing yourself up like this either,” Sirius pointed out.

“I know.”

“I’m not going to apologise,” Sirius told him firmly. “I know you hate that I got my father to swing the vote, but I’d do it again if I had to.”

Remus sighed. “What’s done is done.”

“Does that mean you forgive me?”

“As long as you promise not to do it again,” Remus replied.

Sirius shook his head immediately. “I’m not going to promise anything of the sort.”

“But-”

“No, Remus.” Sirius shook his head and raised his hand to cut him off before he could speak. “If you get in trouble with the Ministry again, and the only thing that will save you is me using my family and the Black name, then I’ll do exactly that. So, I’m not going to make you a promise that I might not be able to keep.”

Remus nodded and sighed again. “Okay. Just…”

“Just what?”

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Sirius to hold him for just a few moments, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.

Despite everything that his friends had said that morning, Remus still believed that he was too dangerous to be around normal people, especially Sirius. He had thought it before the latest full moon, and the events that night had done nothing except convince him that he had been right all along.

Unless he kept Sirius at arm’s length, it was only a matter of time before he was watching over him during the full moons, caring for him in the mornings, and risking his humanity and his life by loving a dark creature like himself.

Sirius didn’t deserve to be ostracised by the rest of society, as he would be if he decided to spend his life with Remus, and Remus knew that all he had to do was say the word and Sirius would be at his side forever.

“Nothing,” Remus whispered, and Sirius turned to go back into the living room.

Remus knew that if he could just make it through the next few months then things would be better. They would leave Hogwarts and go their separate ways. They’d see each other on special occasions and that would be it. He could handle that. It would be hard, but he would manage it. He just had to keep reminding himself that Sirius would be better off without him. It wasn’t like he had made him happy during the last few years, if anything he’d made him completely miserable.

“It’s for the best,” Remus whispered to the empty room.

-o-xXx-o-

Remus found that his nightmares came back as soon as he returned to Hogwarts. He put up with them for three nights; then he turned to Sirius to beg a Dreamless Sleep Potion from him. Two nights later he realised that the potion wasn’t working at all.

“Oh, sod it,” Remus whispered into the darkened dormitory as he slid out of bed and padded over to Sirius’s.

Sirius was fast asleep when Remus pulled back the covers just enough to ease himself into the bed beside him, but he turned towards Remus almost immediately.

Remus promised himself that he would be gone from the bed long before Sirius woke up in the morning, and if he stole a quick chaste kiss before he left, no one would be any the wiser.

-o-xXx-o-

The hostility towards Remus from most of the school was almost unbearable, and only the presence of his friends – Sirius especially – made it tolerable. But it was only when Sirius was at his side that he felt truly safe.

Of course, it was impossible to hope that the hostility would cease when he was with Sirius. In fact it was sometimes worse, especially when certain narrow-minded bullies began to suggest that they were a couple, riling Sirius into losing his temper in the process.

“Just ignore them,” Sirius muttered after he had sent a particularly nasty hex to cause immediate hair loss at the two fourth years, both of who should have had more sense than to say anything at all.

“It’s okay,” Remus replied, pulling Sirius along before he decided that that hex wasn’t enough to get his point across.

Sirius glared at the retreating boys, and they continued on their way.

Remus could tell that Sirius had something that he wanted to say to him, and he pulled him into a deserted classroom to ask what it was.

“It’s nothing,” Sirius said in answer to Remus’s question.

“Don’t give me that,” Remus replied. “Something’s bothering you, I can tell.”

Sirius sighed and sat down at one of the desks. “I just wondered whether there might be a chance that you’ve changed your mind about us.”

Remus felt his pulse beginning to race and he knew it would be amazingly easy to just say yes.

“You’ve been sleeping in my bed every night for two weeks,” Sirius continued. “I know it’s because of the nightmares, but it doesn’t change the fact that I like having you there with me. I like it way too much.”

Remus took a step closer and pulled out a chair, one that was at least an arms distance away from Sirius.

Sirius ran his hands through his hair and appeared to be finding the scuffed stone floor remarkably fascinating. “I just need to know whether I’m wasting my time.”

Remus balled his hands into fists, knowing it was the only way he could stop himself from reaching out and touching the other young man.

“You still think it’s only the wolf that wants me, don’t you?” Sirius finally whispered. “I’m never going to be able to convince you otherwise, am I?”

He wanted to say that it wasn’t the wolf, and that he’d figured it out months ago, but suddenly the image of the boggart he had faced two days ago came into his mind.

He had been with James at the time, rooting around in the Quidditch supply room for a spare quaffle. He had tried to quit the team, but James – the new captain – wouldn’t hear of it. Instead, he had thrown himself into the role of captain and was determined that the Gryffindors would win the Quidditch Cup this year, with Remus on the team. Even if he had to literally drag him down to the pitch for practices.

James hadn’t commented on Remus’s boggart, and Remus had been too shocked at first to say anything at all. He’d been expecting it to turn into the full moon, just as every boggart had since the night he was bitten. He hadn’t expected to see Sirius standing before him, and especially not expected to see him transforming into a werewolf himself.

He couldn’t risk it. His worst nightmare was no longer the full moon, it was that he would pass his curse onto Sirius.

So he remained silent, and let Sirius draw his own conclusions.

“I’m such an idiot,” Sirius admonished himself, kicking out at the table leg and sending it screeching across the floor.

“That’s not true.”

“Sure it is,” Sirius muttered. “I’m in love with someone who’ll never love me back. That makes me the worst kind of fool.”

Remus shook his head, ready to argue again, but Sirius was already on his feet and walking towards the door.

“We’d better get back to the common room before curfew,” Sirius said. “Come on.”

Remus nodded and followed Sirius out of the door, hoping that that was going to be the end of the matter, because he didn’t know how long he could keep up the pretence that he hadn’t fall completely and hopelessly in love with his dearest and oldest friend.

-o-xXx-o-

Remus was creeping out of his bed one night a few days before the next full moon when he realised that he had misjudged the sounds of the rest of the room.

“Hey, Remus,” James hissed in the darkness. “You okay?”

“Can’t sleep,” Remus whispered back. “I thought I’d go get a glass of water.”

James snorted. “Liar.”

Remus stopped in his tracks and turned to face the other boy. “Why would you say that?” he whispered, although he already knew the answer.

“The bathroom’s that way,” James pointed out. “You were getting into bed with Sirius, did you think the rest of us didn’t notice?”

Remus sighed. “Hoped,” he muttered.

“You can be really dense sometimes,” James commented. “Come over here. If you’re really having trouble sleeping, this might help.”

“What?” asked Remus, as he wandered over to the side of the bed.

“This,” James declared as he pulled a large bottle of Ogden’s Finest Firewhiskey from the bottom drawer of his bedside table.

“Where’d you get that?”

“The cellar of the Hog’s Head,” James replied as he climbed out of bed to grab a couple of empty glasses from his and Remus’s bedside tables. “I left the money for them,” he added at Remus’s look of disapproval.

“Good,” Remus said. “Because I know for a fact that when stuff disappears from Aberforth’s cellar it often comes out of the staff wages.”

James nodded and returned to the bed. “Here you go,” he said as he passed Remus a glass of Firewhiskey. “This’ll help you sleep; my Nan swears by it.”

Remus grimaced as he took a tentative sip from the glass. He actually wasn’t that fond of the taste, but if it helped him sleep then he’d drink the whole damn bottle.

“Not like that,” James scolded. “Take a good swig. Just don’t choke on it.”

Remus frowned again, but did as James suggested. He could feel the liquid burning a path down his throat and he thought for a moment he was going to choke, but then the feeling of warmth spread lower and he realised that it wasn’t so bad after all.

“Good?” James asked.

Remus nodded and let James fill up the glass again. “If we’re going to make a party out of this, shouldn’t we wake the others?”

“Leave ‘em,” James replied as he refilled his own glass for the second time. “I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

“Yeah? What about?”

“About him,” James said, gesturing across towards Sirius’s bed with his glass, and sloshing a liberal amount of alcohol onto the bedspread in the process.

“What about him?” Remus said.

James shrugged. “Just wondered when you were going to tell him that you’re in love with him.”

Remus laughed bitterly. “Never, because I’m not in love with him. It’s impossible.”

“Why?”

“I’m a werewolf and we’re not capable of love.”

“Bollocks,” James replied, slurring the s ever so slightly.

Remus nodded. “It’s true. Dark creatures can’t love. It’s in all the books. Ask anyone.”

James shook his head. “You love Sirius.”

Remus shook his own head and took another drink.

“We forgot the toast,” James suddenly said. “A toast to… to…”

“The Gryffindor Quidditch team,” Remus suggested, hoping his blatant attempt to change the subject would succeed.

James shook his head and grinned. “To Lily Evans, the best girlfriend in the world… just don’t let her know I’ve got Firewhiskey in here, ‘cos she’s the best bloody prefect, too.”

Remus chuckled. “To Lily.”

“And to Sirius Black,” James continued, nudging Remus to continue the toast himself.

“My best friend,” Remus added, but despite James’s prompting he refused to elaborate further. In his mind though, he did believe that Sirius was quite possibly the best boyfriend in the world, too. He frowned as he downed his drink. If Sirius was the best, he suspected that that made him quite possibly the worst.

Sirius deserved someone better than him. He had lied to James, because he did love Sirius, more than anything. But that love came with a hefty price, and while he knew that Sirius would pay it gladly, Remus was not prepared to let him.

The bottle was emptied within an hour and Remus staggered back towards his bed.

“Wrong bed,” James slurred from his own. “That one.”

Remus nodded and stumbled towards Sirius’s bed, clumsily pulling back the covers and sliding in. For the first time in nearly a month Remus was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

-o-xXx-o-

When the night of the full moon arrived, Remus gathered his things together in plenty of time to floo over to his house. He was halfway out of the dormitory when Sirius called after him to wait.

“Have I forgotten something?” Remus asked in confusion.

Sirius shook his head as he threw textbooks into his bag and clambered off of his bed. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Oh, no,” Remus said, shaking his head and holding up a hand to halt his friend. “You’re not coming with me.”

“The hell I’m not,” Sirius replied.

“I’m not prepared to risk having you there,” Remus insisted. “What if I escape? What if I bite you and turn you? Or worse, what if I kill you?”

He didn’t add, although he did think it: ‘What if I can’t keep my hands off you?’

It was hard enough to keep Sirius at a distance at all these days, but being alone with him in Hogsmeade was just one temptation too much. As for being alone with him in Hogsmeade while he was completely naked – well, that just didn’t bear thinking about.

“So, you’re shutting me out completely?” Sirius snapped, throwing his things back onto the bed in temper. “Fine, go there on your own, tear yourself up all night and then bleed to death in the morning. Is that what you want? Will that make you happy?”

“I’m not going to bleed to death,” Remus replied, although he knew that the night would be worse without Sirius there. The nights when Sirius had remained at Hogwarts and Charlene had been there had been rough, and it would only be worse now that he realised just how much he loved him.

The wolf wanted Sirius there, because he wanted Sirius there, but he wasn’t going to give in to the temptation. Sirius deserved better than a murderer, and once they had left school he would realise that.

“I could just do what I did before,” Sirius pointed out. “Follow you later and leave before you turn back. You can’t stop me from doing that.”

“I know I can’t,” Remus said quietly. “But I’m asking you not to. If you really love me as much as you keep saying you do, then stay away.”

“You can’t ask me to stop caring about you.”

“I’m not,” Remus replied, hurrying out of the door before he gave away just how much he cared, too.

When he arrived at the basement, he saw that Romulus was already there waiting for him. “No Sirius?” he asked with surprise.

“No,” Remus snapped.

“You’ve not had another argument, have you?”

“Not really.”

“What sort of an answer is that?”

“The only one you’re getting,” Remus told him as he stripped out of his robes and dumped them on the stairs.

“I could always go and ask him.”

Remus shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

“What did you argue about this time?”

“We weren’t arguing. He wanted to be here tonight, I told him to stay away. It wasn’t really an argument.”

Romulus sighed impatiently. “Rem, you can’t keep pushing him away like this. If you do, you’ll lose him as a friend as well as…”

“A lover?” Remus suggested with a grim smile that was all the more forced because the first wave of pain was washing over him and he was stumbling to the ground, struggling to keep a hold of his mind.

He wouldn’t pass this curse onto Sirius, and if it meant losing him altogether then so be it.

-o-xXx-o-

When Remus became aware of his surroundings once more he knew without a doubt that Sirius had not been with him at all during the night.

He was cut up, there was blood on the floor and he felt as though he had just been pummelled by bludgers for several hours. He whimpered as he sat up and looked down at his battered body. He ached all over, but he knew that it was only a small fraction of what he truly deserved. No matter how much this hurt, he was sure that Charlene had suffered much more, and at his hands.

It took him nearly fifteen minutes to summon up the strength to make it up the stairs and when he finally managed it, he found Sirius waiting for him in the kitchen.

“How long have you been here?” he asked.

“About half an hour,” Sirius replied, putting a plate of bacon and eggs down on the table with a thump. “Don’t worry, I didn’t come down to the basement.”

“You didn’t have to come and make me breakfast,” Remus said, although he grabbed a fork and began to tuck in anyway.

“Yeah, well, I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not.”

“You haven’t heard why I’m here yet,” Sirius said. “It’s not just to make you breakfast and fix you up.”

“It isn’t?” Remus croaked, his mouth going dry when he realised what Sirius was saying.

Sirius shook his head. “I’ve made a decision.”

Remus didn’t say anything as he waited for Sirius to elaborate, although he had a feeling that he already knew what was coming.

“The full moons are enough for me,” Sirius declared. “I won’t share you again, but while you’re single, I’ll take whatever scraps you offer.”

“Sirius…”

“Let me finish,” Sirius interrupted. “I know you’ll never love me back, and I’ve come to accept that. But if the love of the wolf is all you can give me, I’ll take that. I know it’s you, even if you won’t admit it. For now that’s enough.”

“For now?” Remus asked.

Sirius nodded. “I can’t convince you that I’m right if you keep this distance between us. But maybe I can if we go back to how things were before.”

It would be so easy to take Sirius’s hand and pull him into the bedroom. It would be even easier to sweep the plates and cutlery from the kitchen table and put it to a better use. It would be so easy… if only Remus wasn’t determined not to hurt Sirius any more than he already had.

“For Merlin’s sake, Remus,” Sirius said impatiently. “Say something, will you?”

“No.”

“What? No, you won’t say something or no, you don’t want to accept my offer?”

“I don’t want to accept your offer,” Remus replied quietly.

“You’re saying the wolf doesn’t want me?” Sirius asked.

Remus drew in a sharp breath and prepared himself to give Sirius the most important lie he could ever remember telling.

“Remus, what is it?” Sirius questioned.

“The wolf wants you,” Remus lied. “But it’s like Lily said the day after the trial. I have to learn to control my wolfish impulses.”

“Lily also said that the wolf’s impulses were your own,” Sirius pointed out.

“Lily isn’t a werewolf and she has no idea what it’s like to be one. But she was right about learning to control it. I’m learning to accept what I am, and that means learning not to give in to the wolf.”

Sirius set his lips into a thin line and slammed several potion vials onto the table, telling Remus to drink them quickly. Then he worked in silence to seal the various cuts and scrapes Remus had accumulated during the night and left without another word.

When he heard the flames in the fireplace extinguishing themselves, Remus let out the breath he had been holding and turned back to his breakfast. He frowned down at the plate and realised that his appetite had disappeared along with Sirius.

He hoped that he hadn’t done too much damage to their friendship, but he had the horrible suspicion that he had. The only consolation was that it was better for Sirius to be angry with him and kept at a distance, than it was for him to be near him and in danger. If only he didn’t feel so terrible about pushing him away.

He pushed the plate away and leaned onto the table, resting his head on his arms and immediately falling asleep. The nightmare that he was immediately engulfed in only served to strengthen his resolve that he was doing the right thing.

He just hoped it would get easier in time.