100 Ways to Kill a Weasley

Rock and Troll

“Well, what did he say?” Ron demanded of Hermione as soon as she walked into the flat.

Hermione pulled off her hat and gloves, then removed her traveling cloak as Ron looked at her impatiently.

”He said you’re an idiot and there was no way he would take you to collect Trollsbane,” Hermione replied, a small inflection in her voice implying she thought the Potions master was right.

Ron scowled as she hung up her cloak.

”Oh, but he wants to take you, doesn’t he? Out in the mountains . . . all alone with him. Overnight. Alone. With Snape. It’s just not right, Hermione,” Ron said, following her as she walked into the kitchen.

“Ron, I’m his apprentice. Of course he’d take me,” she said as she set up a pot for tea.

”He’d like to take you all right,” Ron said, “and not harvesting Trollsbane either. I don’t want you to go, Hermione. I’ll . . . I’ll go myself and get the damn plants.”

Hermione turned and looked at Ron as if he’d lost his mind.

”Ron, you don’t know anything about harvesting Trollsbane. It’s extremely dangerous. The plants are in the middle of troll country. You have to know what you’re doing or you’ll end up on their menu,” the witch said, shaking her head as she looked at the stubborn wizard.

”You could tell me how to harvest them, Hermione. I can follow instructions,” the wizard said, a bit of pleading in his voice.

Ron was very jealous of Professor Snape and believed he had designs on Hermione, though he had no proof of it other than the way the dark wizard’s eyes seemed to follow her whenever they were in mixed company. They were covetous as they looked at her.

Of course, Hermione told Ron he was crazy when he told her of his suspicions. Snape was completely asexual as far as she could tell.

”Yeah, probably a sexual deviant,” Ron had snorted in response.

Hermione studied the red-haired wizard. She loved him very much, but he was so fucking paranoid and jealous. Her and Professor Snape?

Ridiculous. The snarky wizard had as much sex appeal as a dead flubberworm.

”Ron, I can tell you how to harvest the plant, but not how to get past the trolls. It is extremely difficult to get Trollsbane, which is why it is so expensive. It can cost as much as ten galleons for a pinch.”

“Hermione, trolls are stupid . . . big and slow. I could outrun one in a second. They’d never be able to sneak up on me. You can hear them walking a mile away,” he argued. “I’d be careful. I’d rather go myself rather than you go with Snape. Come on, Hermione.”

Ron continued to cajole and beg Hermione far into the night. Finally, she agreed to tell him the general location of the plants. It was a rocky, mountainous area, well-known for the viciousness of the trolls.

Snape’s excursion wouldn’t occur until next month. If Ron could get him a good supply before then, there would be no need to make the journey.

”He’s going to get himself killed,” Snape said to his apprentice as she cut up some Valerian Root.

”Not if you tell me how to get past the trolls,” Hermione said to the dark wizard.

Snape looked at her as if she were mad.

”That is a trade secret. I can’t divulge that information,” he replied, “but I suggest you dissuade your wizard from the idiotic path he’s about to take if you care anything about him.”

The wizard’s eyes glinted a bit as he said this.

”Well, he did have a point about trolls,” Hermione said, “They are big, stupid and slow. Not to mention loud. He’d hear them coming long before they reached him. He could run or fly out of range.”

Snape smirked as he added the Valerian Root to his brew.

”You would think so, wouldn’t you?” he purred. “But I advise you, Hermione, don’t let him go if you love him.”

”If I don’t let him go, he’s going to drive me crazy. He doesn’t want me to go with you. He doesn’t . . . doesn’t trust you,” she said rather softly.

Snape snorted as he turned up the fire.

”Him and three quarters of the Wizarding World,” he replied. “Very well, let him go then. Be sure to say your tearful goodbyes first as you will most likely never see him again.”

Hermione scowled. Ron wasn’t really that stupid. He knew strategy well. He’d probably come up with one to collect the plants. Who did Snape think he was anyway? If he could do it, so could Ron.

Snape was such a git.

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That night, Hermione showed Ron by map the location of the territory where the Trollsbane was supposed to be. Then she showed him what the plant looked like from a Botany book.

”It grows at the base of mountains, on rocky grounds. Look for rocky areas,” the witch told him.

Ron studied the map carefully, committing it to memory. He took the day off from work at the joke shop and set out on his journey by broom. It took six hours to reach the rocky, barren area where the trolls lived.

Hermione and Snape’s journey would have taken all night because Hermione wouldn’t travel by broom, and they would have to Apparate to the outskirts of the territory and walk several miles to the mountains. It was too dangerous to Apparate directly into the area because the stones were always shifting and cleared grounds might not remain cleared. It meant death to phase into a solid object when Apparating.

Ron circled overhead for more than an hour, looking for any sign of trolls. He didn’t see a single one.

”Probably some story Snape came up with to discourage people from harvesting here,” Ron thought to himself as he looked through a pair of omnioculars, checking the base of the mountains. Finally he saw a rather large patch of Trollsbane in an area strewn with rocks and boulders of various sizes. A couple of large logs lay about as well.

”There it is,” Ron said, zooming down and landing before the patch of plants.

He looked around cautiously, laid his broom against the side of a very large, gray-green boulder and pulled a plastic bag out of his pocket, walking up to the small, hardy plants.

”Trolls. Right,” he snorted, then bent over and started pulling them up by the roots.

He was so busy harvesting that he didn’t notice the huge “boulder” he had propped his broom against, shifted slightly, then slowly uncurled.

It wasn’t a boulder at all, but a troll. A very quiet troll as it picked up the log next to it.

Ron never knew what hit him as the troll hammered him with the log, smashing him flat. Suddenly all the larger boulders uncurled, and a few smaller ones as well. Trolls of all sizes gathered around Grog, who stared down at Ron’s flattened, tenderized body, drool dripping from the side of his great, misshapen mouth.

”Mancake,” the creature said, prying up the flattened Ron-patty and tearing it into to chunks to share with the others.

”Mmmm, good,” the troll grunted, spitting out a bit of red hair.

”But need bee honey.”

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Ron never did return from his excursion. Since troll territory was considered off-limits, no one could go in search of him without breaking the law and risking a stint in Azkaban. Snape had neglected to tell Hermione he had special dispensation to visit the area.

“It’s protected land. Troll conservation,” the wizard purred at the tearful witch.

”Troll conservation? What idiots came up with that? They should all be wiped out!” the distraught witch said, forgetting her own misguided crusade for house elf rights years ago.

However, Harry did sneak into the territory, determined to find out what happened to Ron. He barely made it out alive, a troll unfolding behind him as he flew slowly, searching the area. The creature and swatted him out of the air like a fly, his broom completely smashed as he tumbled, stopping against a crop of real rocks.

He managed to Apparate just as the troll’s huge log swung down at him.

“Ron didn’t make it, Hermione, believe me,” Harry told the grieving witch on his return.

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A memorial service was held for Ronald Bilius Weasley six months later. Hermione was there, but standing on the outskirts of the mourners. Molly blamed her for Ron’s death. She should have never let him go on such a dangerous mission. The inconsolable witch pointed that out to her every time she saw her.

Snape, also standing in the crowd, let his dark eyes drift over to where Hermione was standing alone. Harry was with Ginny standing with the Weasleys. Hermione would never be welcomed in that household again.

She was all alone in the world now, except for her parents and Harry, who was married to Ginny. She never did socialize much. One of the drawbacks of being so stuck on one wizard.

He studied her.

Hermione wasn’t used to being alone. She was going to need companionship.

Snape pursed his lips.

He could be fairly good company when he wanted to be.

In this case, he wanted to be.

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A/N: Death by Troll. POOR RON. Lol.