Love, Lies & Loneliness

Chapter 55
(When all is lost)

Harry lay curled up on his side, naked and shivering. After loosing his dinner down the loo, Harry had sat in the shower bottom scalding hot water spraying down on him from above. He felt empty inside like someone had ripped out his heart and replaced it with icy cold air. The one part of his life that he’d held dear to him was gone. The memory of his parents and their kind good nature was shattered and tarnished by the web of lies that had become of their life.

That knowledge alone was what hurt the most.

When the hot water had finally run cold Harry had walked dripping wet into his bedroom and simply collapsed down on the bed, uncaring that the fire was out or that the darkness of outside matched the darkness of the room he lay in. Harry didn’t know what time it was when he heard the soft pad of feet on the stairs before the door to his room was pushed cautiously open. There was only one person in the house that would dare enter his rooms without knocking and Harry felt his chest constrict painfully at the thought that his father had in all truth made Severus life a hell based just on speculation and rumour. It was little wonder Severus had hated him so much in his first year at school.

“Harry?” Harry listened to the rustle of Severus’ robes, as he padded around the edge of the bed. Harry refused to open his eyes though and squeezed them tighter together as Severus knelt down on the floor beside the bed, so that he was eye level with Harry. Despite how furiously he fought the pain tears still leaked from the corner of his eyes and Harry heard Severus sigh softly before a gentle hand came up onto his cheek to brush away the tears with such tenderness.

“They weren’t who I thought they were. It was a lie.” Harry managed to speak quietly past the lump in his throat, opening his eyes Harry stared through tear blurred vision at Snape who stared sympathetically into Harry’s pain filled eyes. Seeing Harry so upset tore Snape apart inside and he tried desperately to keep himself in control.

“People aren’t perfect Harry, you saw your parents how you wanted them to be and no one wanted to destroy your idealistic view of things because they knew what you would have to face. Do you think you would have faced Voldemort without the memory of your parents to keep you going? When life got tough at the Dursley’s would you have remained there without the respect you have for your parents?” Severus continued to brush his fingertips gently back and forth over Harry’s cheek soothing the distressed boy.

“Then I was manipulated to serve a purpose. I was used, when in truth no one knew if I was the one supposed to defeat Voldemort and would anyone have cared if I had died? I doubt that very much, just another loss in the greater fight. ‘Oh well we were wrong’ lets look for another poor sucker willing to do our dirty work!” Harry was angry and spat nastily in Snape’s direction. Snape didn’t flinch at the anger and merely continued his stroking of Harry’s tear stained cheek.

“Do you think it was any different for me Harry?” Snape paused watching as Harry’s anger dissipated and the sad vulnerable boy returned. When it was clear Harry wasn’t going to reply Snape continued. “I too was used. I got myself in a bloody awful situation and turned to the person I most cared for and trusted, for help, but he used my weakness against me to his advantage. I wasn’t a spy Harry I was a dispensable pawn in a victoryless war.” Harry sighed heavily and Snape slowly rose up from floor and climbed ungainly onto the bed beside Harry. Harry instantly turned over into Snape’s gentle embrace, burring himself in the familiar solid mass of his lover.

“But it hurts so much.” Harry whispered softly against Snape’s chest. The man nodded and tightened his hold on the boy bringing his head down to burry his face in the boy’s mop of hair.

“I know Harry, I know.” Snape whispered as he held the boy still crying into his chest. “If it helps. Your mother for all her faults was an intelligent, caring witch and she loved you with every fibre of her being. She would never have wished this upon you, or to see you so unhappy. I can’t speak for your father; even now I’m inclined to still think him arrogant, selfish and self-righteous but I’m sure he had good qualities Sirius or Lupin would be able to tell you about. No ones perfect Harry, and families have secrets. Perhaps you should just remember your parents how you would want to, instead of dwelling on the past, which as you know we can not change.” Severus ran his hand softly across his lovers arm as Harry shivered in the cold. For a long time they lay curled against one another, Harry’s chilled skin taking warmth from his partner. Finally though Harry lifted his head and stared lovingly up into the gaze of his lover.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t bear thinking about being alone.” Severus smiled, a rare moment of genuine feeling Harry felt privileged to be shown it.

“Considering my position, I certainly don’t know what I’d do without you. You have no idea how amazing it is to finally after 30 odd years feel secure in my magical abilities. Besides I’m kind of getting used to sharing my life with you, being alone just wouldn’t cut it anymore.” Harry blushed at Severus’ praise and Severus leaned forward and kissed Harry softly on the end of his nose. Harry laughed softly at the intimate touch and Severus squeezed Harry softly.

“Severus?” Harry whispered slightly nervous about what he was about to ask. “I want to have sex.” Harry swallowed nervously as he glanced up at his lover. Severus chuckled softly and rolled his eyes a little in mock annoyance.

“Harry you don’t have to ask me. Take the initiative and show me what you want to do. I’m hardly going to say no, and if I am really not up to it I’ll tell you.” Severus sighed softly as Harry blushed. Harry knew this was the dominance issue that Draco had mentioned and Harry had to address the topic now. Severus sensing Harry’s awkwardness nuzzled softly against Harry’s neck. “I tell you what. You tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.” Severus sat up and folded his arms in his lap as he made Harry sit up next to him. Harry fidgeted with his fingers, as Severus waited patiently to be told what to do.

“I…i..i want to fuck you.” Harry whispered, unsure of himself. Severus laughed and reached forward batting Harry’s semi erect cock with a playful slap.

“Well I gathered that.” Severus teased playfully. Harry squirmed at Severus’ touch and couldn’t help but giggle at Severus’ “Use your imagination, how do you want me, where do you want me? On my knees? Sucking your cock? Naked against the wall? Come on Harry tell me your deepest fantasies.” Severus prodded Harry in the arm before slowly beginning to undo his robes. Harry took a deep breath in and closed his eyes imagining his wildest dreams before putting voice to them.

“I want you bent over the end of the bed with my dick so far up your arse I can’t think of anything else but you.” Harry spoke slowly with his eyes closed and then after a moment when Severus didn’t reply, Harry opened his eyes cautiously wondering if he’d said something wrong. Severus was no longer sitting on the bed and Harry frowned as he spun around to look out at the room, hoping that Severus hadn’t left. The sight that met his eyes however was breath taking and Harry sat dumb stuck. Severus was completely naked, his form bent over the end of the bed with his arse in the air and his head thrown back in ecstasy. While one hand was stretched out in front of him gripping the bed sheets the other was busy behind him working his own arse. Harry could do nothing but stare. Severus was beautiful with the cascades of black hair hanging in the man’s face and sticking to the sheen of perspiration on the man’s forehead. Severus’ expression was completely at ease and Harry knew he would never tire of seeing his lover in that way.

Severus was making beautiful noises as well and Harry reached consciously down between his own legs to fondle his own hardening cock. Severus continued to tend his own arse and Harry watched in wrapt attention as the man began shifting backwards and forwards on his intruding fingers. Harry was rock hard by the time Severus’ moans and mewls became too much to bear.

“STOP!” Harry ground out from between clenched teeth forcing himself to let go of his weeping prick. Severus instantly stopped moving before drawing up his head so that he could look at Harry from beneath his eyelashes coyly. A self-satisfied smirk broke out onto Severus face and Harry bit his lip as he saw the flash of desire that rippled through Severus face at being ordered about in such a way. So that was what Severus got off on, being ordered about like dirt? Taking a deep steadying breath Harry tried to calm himself as he pondered what to do next. Severus waited patiently for Harry to catch up. He knew he shouldn’t push the boy but he’d been waiting for so long for what he wanted. Perhaps with Harry’s mood as volatile as it was at present he might actually get something. “I didn’t tell you to do that.” Harry whispered cursing how weak he sounded. Severus’ smirk widened and Harry watched as defiance filtered in the man’s eyes.

“You didn’t tell me not to either.” Severus silky self-assured voice whispered out across the room, instantly igniting Harry’s irritation. It bugged him that Severus was so skilled at this, and it irritated him that Severus got off on being dominated, but most of all it pushed Harry’s buttons that Snape knew completely how to play him, just like everyone else around him knew how to get what they wanted from him. Without a second thought Harry drew back his hand and slapped Severus hard across the cheek sending the man reeling to the floor a little shocked.

“Don’t talk to me like that. I’m not your student anymore, you can’t treat me like a child.” Severus sat up on the rug at the bottom of the bed and looked up apologetically at Harry who was now looking down at him from the end of the bed. Despite the anger Severus could see Harry’s wince at having hurt him and Severus sighed inwardly. Harry could never be the aggressor in their relationship, it just wasn’t in the boy’s nature but Severus hoped that what the boy was willing to try would be enough to satisfy his own needs. Deciding that baiting Harry when he was still upset wasn’t a bright idea and so instead Severus leaned up and pressed a gentle kiss to Harry’s lips.

“Sorry, perhaps you could show me instead?” At the innocent puppy eyes of his lover Harry pounced full force over the end of the bed, surprising Severus who fell limply back onto the rug as Harry landed on top of him.

“Don’t try and apologise like that either, I hate you when you’re trying to be sweet.” Severus was shocked into silence as Harry pinned his hands above his head and then ravished his lips, sucking the very breath from his lungs as he twirled his tongue about his mouth, in quick successive thrusts. By the time Harry pulled his lips from Severus’ the man was panting like he’d run a marathon, his chest rising and falling rapidly as Harry licked and sucked his way down his lovers taunt body. Severus bucked uselessly up against Harry’s warm lips, but the boy surprisingly had him pinned fast beneath him. Severus could feel Harry’s wet cock trailing pre-come over his stomach, as Harry thrust uselessly against the body beneath him as his lips continued to trail up and down his chest. Finding that Harry’s licks intensified with Severus’ noises of pleasure, the man upped his display, groaning Harry’s name as the boy finally descended over Severus cock. Severus had spent a good weekend teaching Harry to suck him off properly, but never had he pushed the boy to deep throat him like he was doing now. Admittedly Harry choked a little and gagged but it was worth the effort for the feel of his cock jammed against the back of Harry’s throat and being entirely devoured. It didn’t last long and Harry pulled up abruptly his eyes wide obviously shocked himself that he had done it.

“God I need to fuck you now. Turn over.” Harry sat up and let go instantly of Severus’ arms. With ease Severus turned over onto his stomach obligingly rising to his knees as Harry slid down to kneel behind him. “Are you…?” With a suddenly gentle hand Harry brushed his fingertips across Severus’ behind nervous again at what he’d just asked for. Severus sighed a little but pushed his arse backwards against Harry’s fingers, and looked over his shoulder at his young lover.

“Harry shut the fuck up and just stick that dick in my arse now.” Harry had never seen Severus so desperate before but clouded in his own desire was powerless to deny the man what he wanted. Taking hold of Severus’ sharp hipbones Harry settled himself and with a deep breath pushed himself quickly into Severus’ lubricated opening. Harry practically suffered heart failure at how easily he slid into Severus’ arse, the man’s muscles sucking him in and holding him firm. Buried to his balls Harry fell shaking against Severus’ back his hands clutching uselessly at the man’s hips as Severus’ inner passage massaged around him in the most unbelievably erotic way. “Merlin Harry, you don’t fucking hang around do you.” Severus was panting erratically below the boy, his arms barely holding his own weight and Harry’s up.

“Sor……” Harry went to apologise but Severus pushed back abruptly cutting Harry off with a sharp gasp.

“Don’t speak, just move.” It was a demand Harry’s body was not willing to disobey and without thought Harry began trusting back and forth into Snape’s passage. It took a moment before Snape had joined in with the rhythm and before long Harry was pounding mercilessly into Snape’s body, his hands pushing Snape’s upper body flat to the floor to gain more leverage. Snape obediently followed Harry’s guidance and for the brief moment that they were in complete sync Harry could think and feel nothing but Severus. As Harry’s orgasm built and his hands tightened on Severus’ back and sides his groans and whispers of encouragement fell into guttural groans and needy gasps. Severus was in no better position, and with every stroke of Harry’s cock inside him Severus wailed in complete supplication. It took a further few thrusts before Harry exploded into Snape, the boys entire body stiffening as his orgasm swept over him like a tidal wave. Nothing mattered accept the pounding of blood in his head, the bursts of light beneath his eye lids and the feel of Severus’ liquid heat gripping him like a vice within the tight passage. Harry screamed Severus name like he was god and in that instant it was all it took for Severus to plunge over the precipice of his own climax.

In the silence that followed Harry fell bonelessly off Snape onto the rug as Snape collapsed in a heap, his arms finally giving out. Harry was panting continually the tingle of his climax finally cooling on his skin in the cold air of the room. Harry lay staring at the ceiling, Severus’ warm presence lying next to him. It was a long moment before Harry felt Severus turn over next to him before a warm gentle hand came across to lay on his chest.

“Harry?” Severus voice was quiet and strained the man still not having quite recovered his breathing. Harry reached up silently and placed his own sweaty palm over Severus on his chest, squeezing softly in reply. Harry felt Severus shift across the rug and spoon himself up easily against the side of Harry. Automatically Severus let his head fall easily onto Harry’s chest, his fingers entwining with Harry’s tightly. “I’m sorry I hit you this morning, I was angry and I shouldn’t have done it.” Harry was a little surprised by the comment but nodded in silence and leant down to press a chaste kiss to Severus’ warm lips, in forgiveness. There was another long silence, as the pair lay intertwined together before Harry sighed heavily and looked seriously down into the obsidian gaze of his lover.

“I want you to take me away for a while. I don’t want to work for the Auror’s or the Ministry and I don’t want to teach or be in the spotlight I want peace and I want to be with you.” Harry waited patiently for Severus to comprehend what he’d said before continuing. “I thought I might start growing my own potion ingredients and selling it? What do you think?” Harry whispered softly his free hand now brushing lightly back and forth over Severus’ silky soft hair.

“I think that’s a very good idea Harry.” Harry smiled knowing that for Snape that was the only sign he was likely to get that he approved of Harry’s decision.

“I’m glad you approve.” Harry whispered in reply listening as Snape laughed quietly his warm breath whispering across Harry’s chilled chest. “I love you.” Harry whispered again feeling the ache in his heart lesson as Severus looked up at him with moist eyes.

“I love you too.” Severus whispered lovingly back. The words were barely audible but Harry heard them as if Severus had shouted them from the highest mountaintop. It was the first and probably the only time Severus would say those three little words and Harry knew he was so privileged to be allowed to be apart of the man’s heart.

With the world in chaos around them, for the briefest of moments that they spent in the circle of one another’s arms nothing else seemed to matter accept them. There was a light in their lives that had long been dim and if they never spoke of it, both knew that light would never go out, not now they had one another. Closing his eyes Harry held Severus against him finally feeling truly at home for the first time in his life. In the quiet of the room they fell asleep together their lives intertwined forever…

THE END


A/N Alrighty then, it\'s finished, done, wrapped up and concluded......

Tell me what you think, if you liked it, loved it, hated it or loathed it I want to know....this story has in all honesty been an absolute shit to write, and deal with. Had I known what I was getting myself in for I might not have started. Stick with what you know and I should have stuck with LOTR....but alas we live and learn through our mistakes.

In saying that I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read this little story and I hope against hope it came up to your expectations. As I said before I hate happy, mushy endings and I believe this leaves you with enough tension but sweetness as to be satisfying. It explains a hell of a lot and ties in what last little lingering ends I had hanging. Thanks to everyone who stroked my muse and fed it, I now have to put my muse into a \'overweight muse camp\' over summer to shed a few pounds before i begin my next project. I haven\'t decided as yet to write again in this fandom, and I\'ll need some convicing before attacking another Harry Potter fic.

If you\'ve interested in archiving this work, email me I\'m always happy to reply.

Once more thank-you soooo much to everyone who\'s stuck by this fic over the past few months and with a final bow I take my leave of his fandom to try and regrow my hair having torn it out with fruistration....

Happy reading and thanks for having me over to play....

yours in fiction

RIFFRAFF