Love, Lies & Loneliness

Chapter 54
(Dinner from Hell)

Harry lay on his back in bed, his feet up against the wall and a book propped up in his lap. He’d been reading the same passage over and over again for the past three hours, watching the shadows on the walls of his room lengthen as the sun disappeared. He’d not been concentrating and the same passage made no sense, and had become just a jumble of words repeated over and over again. Downstairs he could hear Sirius in the kitchen pots and pans clattering and banging about. Judging from the commercials he could hear, Lupin was watching television. It was a complete scene of domesticity that unnerved him.

It was as he was reading the passage again for what he estimated would be the trillionth time that he heard the familiar tingle of the apparition bell in the hall. Sitting up straight in his bed Harry put aside his book and listened carefully to Lupin’s steady walk down the hallway and the creak of the door opening. There were voices Sirius, and Lupin and someone’s much more familiar silky voice. Harry stiffened as he heard Snape’s familiar mellow voice and although he couldn’t make out what was being said he was sure it was the potions professor. Harry swallowed heavily and flopped back on the bed.

So Severus had turned up for dinner after all?

It was worrying but Harry should have expected it. Severus was a man of his scruples and having accepted Sirius’ offer for dinner and perhaps an apology certainly wasn’t going to miss the opportunity. Inevitably Harry heard the pounding of footsteps up the stairs shortly before a sharp knock echoed from his door. Harry sighed and schooling his features into something resembling calmness permitted the visitor entrance to his room.

“Harry?” Sirius stuck his head around the corner of the door and frowned a little when he realised Harry was still dressed in his jeans and jumper from the morning’s train ride. “Severus is here? Dinner won’t be long. Maybe you should wash up a little?” Sirius looked tentatively at his godson who sighed and nodded in understanding. Just because he and Severus had come to blows, didn’t mean that he’d ruin the only chance Severus and Sirius might have of becoming neutral friends.

“Yeah okay, I’ll be down in a bit.” Harry slowly made to get up off the bed, his legs a little stiff having had them up in the air for so long.

“Harry..” Sirius pause and Harry stopped mid stride towards his wardrobe to look back at his godfather, surprised that he was still standing in the doorway. “If you don’t want to do this I can just tell him……….” Harry shook his head determinedly as he pulled out his best black trousers and a neatly pressed purple shirt.

“No it’s fine you’ve made the effort I won’t let that go to waste.” Sirius looked as if he was going to argue the point but Harry ignored him, and having picked up a spare pair of underwear made his way into the bathroom. Harry took his time in the bathroom, showering, and dressing, even splashing a little of the cologne on his neck. There was very little he could do with his hair but with a bit of persuasion he managed to tame it into submission enough for it to look like he’d made the effort. With a last glance at his reflection in the mirror Harry took a deep calming breath and stepped out of his room and into the hallway. How he was ever going to face Severus knowing what he’d done he didn’t know, but he had to do it for Sirius. Again schooling his features into neutrality Harry made his way down the stairs and into the hall. Taking another large breath Harry stepped confidently into the formal lounge and sighed inwardly as he saw Severus sitting in the armchair by the fire, a glass of wine in his hand as he spoke quietly with Sirius and Lupin who were sat on the couch side by side.

“Ah, Harry. Just in time the roast is just settling now.” Harry smiled at Lupin who stood up quickly from the couch and headed for the kitchen. Harry didn’t miss the sympathetic smile that Lupin gave him on the way past or the way the man brushed his hand supportively on the boys shoulder.

“Harry, would you like a drink?” Sirius stood up from the couch as well and moved over to the dining table, set beautifully for four with candles napkins and the Black family silver.

“Um, no thank-you I’ll just have water.” Harry waved his hand in negative reply as Sirius reached for the bottle of red wine. The bottle was a little dusty and the label looked to be hand written and Harry wondered briefly if Snape had brought it with him as was the tradition.

“Alright then.” Sirius looked sideways at Harry in slight concern but didn’t say anything as he poured Harry a glass of water in the wine goblet. Sirius offered Harry the cup and the boy grateful accepted it, sipping from it in an effort to quell his churning stomach. “How do you like your room Harry? I was just telling Sna…” Sirius seemed to catch himself and Harry was surprised when his godfather consciously corrected himself. “… Severus here what I’ve been renovating.” Harry looked at Snape who sipped cautiously from his own glass of wine, his gaze settling on Harry who shifted awkwardly and stared at the floor.

“It’s lovely, better than the orange and yellow it was before, and I like having my own bathroom.” Harry whispered softly praising his godfather’s attempts at renovating the house. Sirius had changed so much since the incident in the garden, the man was now clean-shaven, his long hair tied back neatly in a leather band. Sirius had become the man Harry assumed his father had once known, far removed from the corpse that had been released from Azkaban.

“Your own bathroom? Just what every young man needs.” Severus interjected quietly still swilling the wine about in his glass. Before Harry could reply to Severus’ oddly strained comment Lupin re entered the room, levitating several large platters behind him. The smell was overwhelming and having thrown up most of breakfast and then having not eaten since yesterday night Harry was decidedly hungry.

“Come along, dinner is served.” Harry moved quietly to the table and allowed Sirius to guide him to his assigned chair beside Severus, opposite Sirius and Lupin. With the platters secured on the table, Harry paused and waited for the men to begin serving themselves before doing so himself.

As dinner was eaten, polite conversation passed between the four of them, Harry contributing little but the odd yes or no. Conversation about the weather, the ministry, the paper, the order, all-common subjects that didn’t require confrontation. Sirius and Severus were being completely civil, using each other’s first names as if they’d been doing it all their lives. Finally with the roast beef, and traditional roast vegetables eaten and the sticky date pudding with rich caramel sauce in progress the conversation finally turned directly to Harry, causing the boy to swallow awkwardly around his mouthful of pudding.

“So Harry, are you going to tell us how you did with your Newts?” Harry swallowed a swill of water as he turned to look at his godfather who was pouring both Snape and himself another glass of the red wine.

“Um, I haven’t looked yet.” Harry shrugged his shoulders carelessly and ate another spoonful of his pudding eyeing the two men now staring at him strangely. Lupin obviously was expecting that reply and merely continued to eat his pudding in silence.

“You haven’t looked yet? How come?” Sirius instantly inquired shocked that his godson hadn’t looked at his grades. Harry was sure the reason he hadn’t looked was that his mind was on other things, mainly the argument he’d had with the man sitting next to him. Not that he wanted to tell anyone that, so instead he just shrugged his shoulders idly, hoping that Sirius would drop the subject. Luckily his godfather read the signs perfectly and fell silent on the subject but Severus was not easily quelled.

“That’s ludicrous Harry, they are the results that will determine your employability status now that you’ve left school, and yet you’re telling us you haven’t even opened the envelope?” Severus shook his head in complete shock at the absurdity of the situation. Harry watched in shock as Severus held out his hand and with a whispered charm had Harry’s graduation envelope in his open palm. “Come on open it, I’m just as eager as your guardians to see how you’ve done.” Severus pushed the envelope pointedly into Harry’s chest, forcing the boy to take a hold of it. Harry stared silently at Severus. The man had hardly spoken two words to him all night and now he was acting as if nothing had ever happened between them.

“Oh come on Harry, you must have passed at least half of your subjects or they wouldn’t have let you graduate.” Lupin finally added his piece having seen the tension rise between Harry and Snape. If the man had been confident before that Harry’s mood was due to Snape, he was now certain having seen the fierce glare that had passed between the two of them. Sirius too seemed to have noticed the tension and fallen oddly silent. Harry finally relented and having wiped his fingers on the napkin proceeded to open the envelope and glance over the results. Harry was surprised himself to see his results and couldn’t stop the smile that twitched at the corner of his lips as he handed the paper over to Sirius who was practically bouncing off his chair in excitement.

“Oh wow Harry, that’s four N’s and two E’s you’ve done really well.” Sirius read the results out loud and Harry glanced across at Severus who was smugly swirling his glass of wine around as if he’d known all along what Harry was going to receive.

“You passed Potions Harry with an N!” Lupin was reading the parchment over Sirius shoulder, and looked up surprised at Harry and then to Severus who nodded in reply.

“Yes, he did very well I’m told. 96% on his practical and 88% on his written. I’m extremely pleased that my constant nagging paid off.” Severus looked across at Harry who was now staring at his half finished pudding, his appetite for the sweet cake disappearing as he felt the ache in his chest at having been so disappointing to Snape, that very morning.

“N for Defence.” Sirius continued down the list elaborating on Harry’s results for everyone to hear. “Not that that was surprising considering your defeat of Voldemort.” Lupin nodded in understanding as Sirius continued. “N for Care of Magical Creatures and an N for Transfiguration. E for Divination, not that that matters and an E for Charms, but you said in your last letter that that was difficult.” Sirius seemed extremely pleased with Harry’s results and promptly rose his glass to make a toast. “Well that deserves a toast, to Harry and his results.” Obediently the other two men raised their glasses of wine and clinked them together above the centre of the table, causing Harry to blush a little under the praise. There was silence as the three men took sips of their wine. When the silence continued Harry watched as Lupin elbowed Sirius discreetly to which end Sirius straightened his back and cleared his throat as if about to make a grand speech. Harry knew this was coming and while the evening had been strained he knew nothing was going to make it as uncomfortable as having to listen to Sirius apologise to Snape about his comments about his and Harry’s relationship when in truth Harry wasn’t sure there was a relationship after this morning. “I guess I should take this opportunity to say a few things, I want to get off my chest.”

Sirius seemed to struggle with the topic and Harry watched as Lupin reached across and placed a caring hand on the man’s resting on the tabletop. Sirius smiled at Lupin’s care and sighed heavily before continuing.

“Firstly, I want to apologise for my behaviour both recently and in the past. I never meant to hurt either of you, and I unfortunately let my emotions get the better of me and I regret the injuries I caused you both.” Sirius looked seriously from Harry to Severus who had put his glass of wine aside and was now sitting and staring blankly at Sirius. Sirius composed himself again and then with another of Lupin’s comforting squeezes of his hand continued. “Also I regret the way I handled hearing of your relationship. I was blinded by my prejudices, and I couldn’t see what you meant to one another and I apologise for not having handled the situation better. In saying that I had a lot of time to think while on vacation, and I believe now that if Harry is happy in his decisions then I am happy for him, and will welcome anyone into his life with as much respect as they deserve.” Sirius sighed heavily and Harry watched as Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulder holding him comfortingly. Through the speech Severus had hardly moved his emotionless mask unreadable. Harry attempted to try occlumency on the man but he came up against a solid brick wall, Snape hardly flinching when Harry pushed harder but again came up with nothing but more resistance. Snape was stubborn and Harry respected the man too much to push him beyond what he knew Snape was capable of, even if Harry knew he could easily break the man’s defences.

“There’s something else we need to speak of.” It was Lupin’s time to speak and Harry paused before glancing across at Remus whom was now cradling Sirius’ head against his shoulder. Harry had never seen his godfather look so vulnerable before and he became instantly concerned with what else was to come. “This hasn’t been spoken off for a long time and both Sirius and I feel it’s time to get it out in the open.” Harry was shaking scared by the prospect of what else could be said to ruin his life.

When Lupin spoke next nothing could have prepared Harry for what came out of his mouth. “James and Lily had another child. A daughter named Paris.” Harry was stunned into silence his body shaking so that the glass of water on the table toppled carelessly over spilling water over the clean cloth. Seeing his godson’s distress Sirius went to reach over to Harry but Snape was quicker and softly pulled Harry’s form against his own.

The pain of the morning’s disaster was nothing to the monumental lie that had now been broken, and everything that had been strained between himself and Severus seemed dissolved in one instance. “She died of Pneumonia the year before you were born Harry, there was nothing they could do.” Harry was still shaking and his hands clutched uselessly to Severus as the man soothed his hand back and forth over Harry’s back. “She wasn’t planned, and was born in secret the year before we graduated. James was so sure she wasn’t his, and being young and stupid when he confided in us we automatically assumed that the child was Severus’, you being the only other male figure Lily had taken any interest in.” Lupin looked seriously at Severus who stiffened in horror at the suggestion. “Naturally that was before we knew what had really been going on between you and Lily. James would have nothing to do with the child and insisted Lily give her away. She was sent to a muggle family in Yorkshire to live. We never saw her, but we understood Lily visited her occasionally up until her death. No one beyond the four of us knew about it, and Lily never confided in anyone about it. It was always a strained point in Lily and James’ marriage, and was never spoken about again after her death. Every family has their secrets and this secret we had hoped had died with Lily and James.” Lupin came to the end and took a deep steadying breath his hand shaking as he picked up his glass of wine and drained it in one single gulp.

“Then why are you telling us this now? Shouldn’t you have let that secret go when Lily and James were put to rest?” It was Severus who spoke next and Harry closed his eyes as he listened to the soft rumble of Severus mellow voice in his chest. Harry felt empty inside, he’d had a sister all this time and no one had ever told him. His parents were not the perfect figures he’d always been made to believe and just like everyone else they had dirty little secrets no one knew about.

“We thought you both deserved to know, both as explanation as to why we were so nasty to you Severus and consequently why I acted as I did when I found out about you and Harry’s relationship.” Sirius looked apologetically at Severus who shook his head in disbelief. “Only Lily knew the truth about ‘Paris’ and that truth went to grave with her. Naturally Remus and myself were still willing to believe our best friend and consequently even after we found out about yours and lily’s true platonic relationship were still inclined to believe you were Paris’ father.” Severus seemed as disturbed by the news as Harry was. Harry had shut himself off completely from the conversation his mind still reeling over the complexity of what having a sister would have meant. Severus closed his eyes and shook his head quietly.

“I never slept with Lily.” The statement was cold and Harry snuggled closer to Severus screwing his eyes up tightly as he willed everything to go away. There was a stagnate silence that hung in the air Sirius and Lupin hanging their head to their chests in thought while Severus sat quietly holding Harry. At last something resounding came to Harry’s attention having rolled over the ‘what ifs’ of his life had his sister lived.

“The prophecy. It might not have meant me, it might have been her. Perhaps I was just the wrong baby Voldemort tried to kill, maybe Paris was supposed to do what I did.” Harry stared at Sirius and Lupin who both sighed heavily.

“Yeah we thought that too but we didn’t have much choice. James swore us to secrecy and when news spread of you stopping Voldemort that first time we could do little but go with the pace. That’s the reason we’ve been such active members of the Order of the Phoenix. We thought that if we protected you, then we’d at least got you half way and given you a fighting chance.” Lupin looked apologetically at Harry who shook his head in disbelief. They’d gambled with his life, used him and then tossed him aside like trash.

“I don’t feel very well.” Overcome with dizziness Harry stood abruptly from the table, knocking his chair backwards as he fought to stay upright. “I’m…..” Harry didn’t know what else to say and so shaking his head Harry stumbled from the room and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. Harry barely made it to the bathroom before the contents of his stomach abruptly returned with force. Tears stung his eyes, as he was violently ill. His life had been a complete shambles and everyone he’d ever cared for had been living a lie. His parents had turned out to be nothing he’d been led to believe, just as Dumbledore had manipulated him and his godparents had kept secrets. Secrets, lies and manipulation it would read like a horrible novel if it were ever written down. If Harry had thought his life was hopeless before nothing compared to how depressed he was now….

TBC>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>