Dearest Harry - Eileen's Story

A/N I am posting and running! My lap top battery is about to die but I'll be back later with the epilogue! *hugs Claudia for being so wonderful* ~ Lucie

BTW there just might be a tiny bit of romantic fluff in this chapter *winks at Stella Dubh*

Fifty Two

In the days that followed his return to consciousness, Severus was surprised to find that he now felt totally at ease with Harry. He realised that he not only cared deeply for the boy but also trusted him implicitly and knew he always would. He rejoiced in his company and found himself looking forward to Harry’s visits. All of these feelings were completely new to Severus and the depth of his emotions surprised him. He had never thought he would have children, had never wanted them, but as far as he was concerned Harry was like a son and he had just never thought he would ever feel this way about someone

But even now, several days after the last battle, he did not know how he felt about Lupin. He had ensured that Poppy had all the salve that she needed to help cure the scars on Lupin’s face and it did indeed seem to be working fairly well, at least as far as he could see from a distance, because he refused to get too close to the werewolf.

When Pettigrew had attacked Lupin, Severus had tried desperately to get to the other man, had wanted to help him. But then Black had come back and Lupin had gone to him, even though he, Severus was damaged, in a lot of pain, dying and Severus couldn’t help contrasting Harry’s behaviour with Lupin’s.

He avoided Black whenever possible and when they did happen to be in the same room they were both scrupulously polite to each other, but otherwise they carefully stayed as far apart as they could. It wasn’t too difficult because people were coming and going all the time, the school was chaotic and there were always ways to avoid those that one didn’t wish to see. Not that Lupin ever sought him out anyway, he always seemed to be with Black. To Severus it was all too reminiscent of their school days with the two remaining Marauders always sticking together, forever in each other’s company.

But now he had to face them. Because finally after months of research and experimentation Severus had found the formula that he had been looking for, at last he could cure Lycanthropy.

Harry’s miracle cure had been just that really, a fluke, a one off, it was certainly not something that would ever be repeated. Harry loved Draco so much and he had wished so hard for a cure that he had simply willed it to be so. But Harry was unique, that combination of power, love and desire could not be replicated. Undoubtedly the essence that the boy had surrendered to Draco did have an effect. Severus only needed a tiny quantity of it but there had still been one ingredient that he could not discover, one factor that was missing. He had tried endless different potions ingredients but none of them were right, there was still that one factor that was missing and that was what had had Severus stuck. Until now.

After the final battle Fawkes had moved in to the dungeon. It appeared that the bird had simply decided that he was staying with Severus and so he did. He made himself at home, settling himself onto the battered but familiar perch that Severus had retrieved from Albus’ office last night. Today Severus had once again brewed the almost perfect potion, his head spinning as he tried to think what the missing ingredient might be and then the bird had flown over to the cauldron and started to cry. Severus had finally found his missing ingredient.

Phoenix tears.

So now the potion was done and Severus had owled Lupin to let him know. In four days it would be the full moon and Severus thought that Lupin would probably prefer not to transform if he could possibly avoid it.

He had no doubts whatsoever that the potion would work, he knew it would. Potions were as natural to Severus as breathing, they just made sense. Lupin would have to take the potion for three days, and then that would be it, he would no-longer transform, ever again

So now Severus was slowly working his way up to Lupin’s rooms. The werewolf had offered to come to him, but Severus did not want the other man in his quarters. They were all still at Hogwarts, the outside world seemed to have descended into madness, there were wild parties, endless celebrations, page after page of speculation in the media about Harry, the final battle, Harry, the future and still more about Harry, but here at the school they were safe for now. He and Eileen and Harry and the various others who had lived here for weeks had decided to stay put until things had calmed down a bit. Unfortunately for Severus, that meant that Lupin was still here, and so was Black.

Severus felt like he was fourteen again and about to face the Marauders at their most nasty, their very worst. His heart seemed to be pounding in his chest and his hands were slick with sweat, slowly, very slowly he made his way upstairs, clutching the potion tightly. When he finally reached Lupin’s office, he felt like his heart must have sunk to his boots by now.

He lifted his hand to knock at the door, half hoping that the werewolf had gone out, but he should have known better, after all when had Severus ever had good luck when it came to the Marauders?

Lupin and Black were sitting by the fire. It was really cold now in the evenings but Severus’ shiver had nothing to do with the temperature and everything to do with his memories. He had been half tempted to take Harry with him, but he was glad now that he had not given into temptation. First of all there was something rather pathetic about a grown man running to a teenager for help, even if Harry was very mature and very probably the most powerful wizard in the world. But more importantly if Harry had been here right now then Severus thought that he might not have made it through the door before turning tail and running.

He cared about Harry, possibly more than he had ever cared about anyone ever before, even Lily or Eileen. But Harry still looked remarkably like his father, most of the time Severus barely even noticed the resemblance anymore, but here, in this setting, it would have been too noticeable, too striking and Severus thought that he would not have coped well with that. But the last two Marauders were looking at him expectantly, so instead Severus did what he had done for years. He schooled his features so that absolutely no expression showed, squared his shoulders and walked into the room.


“Severus!” Lupin stood and walked forward. Severus was surprised at the interest and eagerness the other man was showing but thought that the werewolf was probably desperate to see the potion. Lupin came all the way over to where Severus stood before he spoke.

“Is that it?” Remus asked, a touch of awe in his voice as he looked down at Severus’ hands.

In his hands, hands that were shaking just a little, Severus carried the potion. It was in a large glass vial, pear shaped with a flat bottom and covered by a cloth. Severus didn’t speak, he couldn’t have spoken if his life had depended on it, instead he swallowed and nodded.

Lupin grasped him around the wrist and gently pulled him closer to the fireplace, then once Severus was where he wanted him to be, he let go of Severus’ wrist and reverently took the potion to the table, setting it down gently.

“Will it really work?” Black questioned staring at the bottle in disbelief. Severus thought that that was the first question that the other man had asked him without prompting all week.

Annoyed at the suggestion that he would create a potion that wouldn’t work, that he would be cruel enough to get Remus’ hopes up with promises of a false cure, Severus twisted his mouth into a familiar sneer. “Of course it doesn’t work, Black, I just thought I would like to experiment with your favourite werewolf!”

“We don’t doubt you, Severus.” It was Lupin that spoke, “it is just so hard to believe that there is a cure after so long. I don’t know what to say Severus, how to thank you.”


Severus’ mouth twisted even more, he had to get out of this overly warm little room, with its blazing fire and hated inhabitants. He didn’t want Remus’ gratitude and he refused to admit, even to himself, that he wanted the man’s affection. “Well you could hurry up and take the potion and let me get back to what I need to do.” Severus had to stay until Lupin took the potion, just in case there were any unexpected side effects or problems. While he knew that the potion would work and that it shouldn’t have any nasty side effects, there was always a chance that a particular individual would react badly to a potion.

“Er, I had better go, Moony.” Black set aside the glass that he had been nursing; from its size and the colour of the liquid that was still left in the bottom Severus thought that it was probably whisky.

Lupin looked at his friend, and something passed between them in that glance, something intimate, filled with understanding. So that was how it was? Severus thought angrily, he should have known. They were fucking! It was a crude word, one that Severus rarely used even in his own mind, but it fitted his feelings of bitterness. He was so wrapped up in those feelings that he didn’t realise that Black was now standing right in front of him.

“Severus?” It was Black that was speaking, Severus barely recognised his voice for a moment, since when did his worst enemy use such a soft tones with him? And since when did the other man call him Severus?

Black cleared his throat. He held his hand out in front of him, as if he were asking Severus to shake it. Severus looked at it stupidly


“It seems that I owe you a lot. Severus Snape,” Black said, “More than I could ever repay, you’ve kept Harry safe all these years and you have cared for him, the way that I should have done, if I had not been such a hot-headed prick. Harry cares about you, it is obvious in the way he looks at you and talks about you. I don’t know everything that happened between you this summer, or very much at all about what you have been through. But I do know that you kept him alive, you kept him sane, and looked after him. You cared for him when he was sick and protected him in a way that we all should have done.”

Severus had looked up when Black started to speak inadvertently locking his gaze with his long time enemy and now he couldn’t break away. He couldn’t believe what the other man was saying. Black hated him, had always hated him and nothing and nobody would ever change that. But there was something gleaming in the other man’s eyes that Severus hardly recognised and had certainly never in a million years expected to ever see in Sirius Black’s eyes and directed at him. It was admiration, regard.

Severus’ breath caught in his chest. He couldn’t speak, he could barely even breathe.


“We should have listened to Lily, she was always right. She said that you were a good man; an honourable man and we scoffed at her. We were total gits to you, for years, for no real reason. You didn’t deserve what we did to you Snape, you never did, but we were idiots then. Harry has told me often enough what a prick I was, and he is right. I am not just saying this to get on Harry’s right side, although I wouldn’t like to risk a straight competition between us. I’m pretty sure I would lose because he really does love you. I owe you this apology, Snape, and since James isn’t here to say it any more, I am saying it for us both, for all of us, I am really, really sorry.”

Something embarrassingly like a sob broke free from Severus’ lips. He felt like his knees were about to give out, that he was about to collapse. Back when they had been schoolboys, Severus would have given anything to hear such words from any of the Marauders, he had hated them and admired them in equal measure. It had really hurt that they had taken a cowardly little rat like Pettigrew under their wing and always been so hateful to him.


When he was in first and second year, he used to lay in bed at night, and make up scenarios in which he would save one of the boys, usually Lupin, and the others would see him in a new light. They would appreciate him then, and turn to him, including him in all their escapades.

He had tried so hard to make them like him and then when he had realised that was never going to happen he had worked hard on making them hate him instead. In that he had succeeded easily as it seemed that they had been half way to hating him anyway. It had been okay when he had had Lily as a friend, but later when she had fallen in love with James, and things with Lupin had gone sour, he had been so lost, so lonely. That was one of the reasons that he had turned to Voldemort.

His heart was pounding now, he heard a roaring in his ears and he still couldn’t quite find his breath.

“Severus? Severus?” It was Lupin’s voice, but it sounded so far away, “are you alright? Do you need to sit down?” They had their hands on him, and he would have resisted them, but they didn’t seem to want to hurt him, they were guiding him to one of the chairs, helping him to sit.

“What did you do Padfoot?” Lupin was saying crossly, “did you hex him or something? Because if you did…”

“I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything either! I was trying to say thank you!” Black sounded petulant. “Are you alright Snape? I didn’t mean to upset you. Snape? Severus?”

Severus was still having trouble breathing. Black was really apologising?

“I…I…” he couldn’t speak properly, he could barely even think.

“Fuck it all, Snape, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Black’s tone had turned plaintive. Lupin thrust a glass into Severus’ hands and commanded him to drink. So Severus tried to do as he was told.

His hands were shaking so much though, that he couldn’t quite bring the glass to his lips, Lupin reached out and twined his fingers around Severus’ own, helping him to steady the shaking.

“Why now?” His words sounded broken, “I would have brought the potion anyway and I didn’t look after Harry for you, or for James Potter, I did it because I care about him too.” He couldn’t believe that they still thought so little of him, that they could think he had looked after Harry just to gain their approval and that they believed he would be so spiteful as to withhold the potion if they didn’t stay in his favour. His rising anger made his voice steadier, “Are you trying to take the piss out of me? Is that your game?”

He looked up and met Black’s eyes again, only to see honest concern.

“I wouldn’t dare,” Black said quietly, “I think that if I upset you Harry would seriously kick my arse.” He smiled wryly, “I can see why you might think that I was trying to though, hell, we’ve not exactly treated you well have we over the years have we? Er you aren’t going to tell Harry about this are you?” His expression had turned wary, “cause I didn’t mean to upset you remember, I was trying to apologise!”

Severus fought down an insane urge to laugh. “I rather doubt that Harry would believe me.” he said dryly, “After all that we have said and done to each other since we were children, the fact that I nearly collapsed because you apologised would seem very far fetched indeed.”

Black grinned.

“If I had known it would have this effect I might have tried it years ago!”

Severus bristled and the other man held his hands out in supplication.

“Look, I didn’t mean that in a nasty way, I was just joking. I am really am trying to apologise, Snape. I truly am sorry. For the last sixteen years my life,” he laughed bitterly, “- and my death - have been total and utter shite. Twelve years in Azkaban, two in hiding and two behind the veil. I am nearly forty years old and I have never really had a life. I don’t want to hate you anymore Snape, you are obviously a good man. I doubt we will ever be friends, but you are important to the only two people that I really love, and I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want them to choose you instead of me.

“Please can we put the past behind us? Move on?” Black was sitting on a footstool so that he was on the same level as Severus and once again he held out his hand again, more tentatively this time. Severus stared at it. He didn’t know what to do, hating Black was so much a part of his life, so much a part of him, that he didn’t know if he could let it go. He still felt the injustice of it all, it still rankled.

But then he thought of his nephew, of all those years ahead of him, years which he would no longer be spending alone with only his mother the only person to care about him. Harry loved him and his godfather knew it, Harry had even told Severus so himself, albeit when he was nearly hysterical. Severus wasn’t naïve enough to think that Harry would say it very often, or ever again if it came to that. But he had obviously made it very clear to his godfather that he, Severus, was important to him and that if it came to a choice between them, Black might not win.

Then he thought of all the years that Harry had been alone, struggling against huge odds, hated for something he could not help, by the Muggles with whom he had spent his miserable childhood, and then as soon as he had come to school he was hated again by Severus, and once again it was for something he couldn’t help. It had not been Harry’s fault that James Potter was his father or that he had been revered since toddler-hood for something else that was beyond his control. He thought of how Harry had forgiven him and how happy it would make his nephew if the two men he cared most about most were no-longer enemies. Harry had defended him, he did care about him but Severus knew that Harry also loved Black, very much indeed.

He realised that if he truly wanted Harry to be happy that he didn’t really have a choice. Besides he didn’t want to feel bitter anymore, Voldemort was dead and he could have a real life, start anew. So finally making his mind up he reached out and grasped the other man’s hand. Black’s jaw dropped, and then his face broke into an amazing smile, one that lit up his entire face, one that Severus never thought to see directed at him.

“That’s great!” Black said, “That’s fucking fantastic! Do you see that Moony? We shook hands!” The man was babbling Severus thought with amusement.

“Yes, well,” Severus, said, “I think that Lupin really should take his potion now, and then I shall depart.” Severus had regained a lot of his equilibrium, but he really did not want to be here much longer, and Black could forget about friendship, they were no-longer enemies and that would have to be enough, even for Harry.


Lupin and Black, shared another glance, and then as Black literally bounced to his feet, Severus looked at him somewhat scornfully, “You are as exuberant as ever I see?” he said disdainfully, deciding that even if they were no longer enemies it didn’t mean he had to indulge Black’s tendency to act like a two year old. He was somewhat chagrined when Black just laughed. “Don’t change too much, Snape,” he said, “I would miss you if you were any other way!” He was still grinning when he left, banging the door behind him.

“Are you okay Severus?” Lupin said, taking Black’s place on the footstool and gently brushing his fingers against Severus’ hand. “I think that you had quite a shock there didn’t you?”

“I am fine Lupin, I just never expected….” Severus tried to speak evenly, he had already said too much to this man. Both Lupin and Black had seen too much of how Severus truly felt tonight

“I think you should have a drink. Whisky? Laphroaig?”

Severus still felt reluctant to spend any time here, so he shook his head, but he didn’t want to stand up yet, his legs still felt rather shaky

“Why did he do that? Harry was used to the way we fought, he didn’t really care. As long as we avoided eachother most of the time, it wasn’t even that noticeable, he didn’t have to do that, he didn’t have to apologise.” Severus said, he felt completely confused.

“Sirius, wants to get on with his life, I think he has finally grown up and didn’t you hear him? The two people that he loves most both care about you very much.”

Lupin’s voice was soft, his words even softer, “One of those people he mentioned is Harry, do you know who the other one is?”

This time the eyes that studied him were not grey as Black’s were, they were amber and full of an emotion that Severus couldn’t quite believe.

Severus shook his head, that tightness in his chest was back again.

“Severus, you have been avoiding me for months, avoiding this conversation. It’s me, that cares about you, you know I do, I have for years.”

Severus’ face tightened; “If this is because of the potion…” he began.

“Oh fuck the bloody potion!” Remus shouted! “I have been a bloody werewolf since I was six-years-old, if you think this is about your bloody cure then I will pour it down the fucking sink! It isn’t about that it’s about you and me!”

Severus flinched. Lupin never spoke like that. He was always so even-tempered, calm. But right now Severus could easily sense the feral wolf that dwelt close below the surface.

Lupin had leapt up as he spoke, but now he sat again and gently took Severus’ hands in his own, Severus could not help noticing that his own hands were still trembling.

“I am sorry Severus for shouting at you, but please listen to me? I love you, I have loved you since we were fifteen, there has never been any one that I cared about in the way that I care for you.”

“But what about Tonks?” Severus asked, he didn’t like the way that his voice shook when he said her name.

“Tonks was a mistake. I cared about her deeply, but I never loved her, not like I love you. I have been very weak Severus, such a coward. I should have told you what I was, what I am, when we were first together, but I never told anyone, I was too ashamed. When Tonks took an interest in me, it was easier to go along with what she wanted; I was so fed up with being alone. But once we were engaged and you came back, I realised that I had made a terrible mistake.” Remus’ voice cracked this time, but his eyes still bore into Severus’ own and he still held Severus’ hands tight.

“If Dora hadn’t died, I would have told her the truth. She was so good, so sweet, but a real firecracker when she wanted to be. She would probably have killed me, but it wouldn’t have been right to marry her, not feeling the way I did. Do.”

“And Black? What about Black? When it comes down to a choice between the two of us you always choose the mutt,” Severus couldn’t help the bitterness that had crept into his tone.

Remus sighed, “you’re upset about my staying with Sirius in the Ministry, when you were injured too, aren’t you?”

Severus looked away and Remus gently squeezed his hand.

“I told you before, Severus, I am not a brave man. I didn’t want to see how badly injured you were. It was easier to stay back and keep telling myself that Harry would heal you. As for Sirius? I don’t feel that way about Sirius, I never have, Sirius is my best friend and I care about him, but I have never loved him like I love you. Besides, Sirius loved someone else, someone he could never have. We’ve had the occasional pity fuck, but never more than that.”

“Who does Black love?” Severus asked, but he didn’t really need to be told, he realised that he had known the answer all along.

Lupin told him anyway.

“He loved James of course, he adored him. He would have done anything for James, he has never gotten over his death, I don’t think he ever will.”

“Did Potter feel that way about him too?”

Remus shook his head. “No,” he said, “James only ever loved Lily, she was the only one for him, he never even thought of Sirius like that, it nearly tore Sirius apart.”

“But then why did Black hate me? Why did he try so hard to drive Lily and I apart?” Severus felt shakier than ever. He didn’t understand.

“Because James loved Lily, and Sirius loved him so much that James’ happiness was all that mattered to him, for Sirius the fact that James had someone that loved him as he should be loved, that was more than enough.”

“Oh Merlin,” Severus said, “what a mess!”

“Yeah,” Lupin said, “it really, really was. Poor Harry, it is even more amazing that he is not a raving nutcase when you realise what total prats we have all been.”

Severus couldn’t look at Lupin anymore, he still felt deeply hurt, but then he was used to that when it came to the Marauders. He wanted to touch that face, the one that had always meant so much to him, but Lupin had chosen Black not Severus, and Severus would not play second best to anyone, ever again.

There was little sign on Lupin’s face now of the horrendous burns that Pettigrew had inflicted, the ‘Harry Salve’ was doing its job well. Severus suspected that after Lupin had taken the lycanthropy cure there would be no trace at all.

But some of what Severus was feeling must have shown in his expression because Lupin was staring ahead, as if looking back to that day.

“When you collapsed in the chamber,” Lupin said, “I thought that I might die too. How could I live without you? When Harry started screaming, I thought that my heart would break.”

“Sirius had come back; he was alive, for a brief moment. I….I could hardly contain my happiness and then I looked for you, but you were falling.” He closed his eyes.

“I thought that I had lost you Severus. It was like the end of the world!”

His thumb was stroking Severus’ own and Severus couldn’t help the tiny little shiver that ran up his spine. He groaned, not loudly, but it was enough for Lupin, he grinned; the look on his face was triumphant, possessive.

“Can I kiss you Severus?” he asked, his eyes full of sincerity now, warm and tender.

Severus thought that his own heart might actually have stopped. Lupin wanted to kiss him? He cared about him? He found that once again he was lost for words, he merely nodded instead.

Then Lupin’s lips were on his own, hot, insistent, demanding. Severus welcomed the kiss; he opened his lips and let the other man take possession of them. Lupin’s tongue forced its way into his mouth, his breath was sweet, musky, he tasted of whisky, of passion.

Severus broke away, “Lupin I…”

The other man took hold of Severus arms and gently pulled him to his feet. “My name is Remus,” he said, and he kissed Severus again, just as demandingly.

Severus moaned, “Oh fuck! Remus!” he said, Remus chuckled, a delicious sound deep in his throat. “I plan to.” he growled tenderly, against Severus’ cheek, “But not just yet.”

Severus felt his knees go weak again, but he didn’t sit down, not this time. He felt he had to say something, anything to stop this seduction, because that was what it was. But he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t say the words that would stop it, because deep down, he knew he didn’t want it to stop.

“We’ll do it right this time,” Remus said, “I don’t want to lose you again, I couldn’t bear that. We’ll go at your pace, as slowly, or as quickly as you want. Can we give it a go Severus?”

He reached up and tenderly brushed a strand of hair away from Severus’ face.

“Please?”

Severus’ eyes grew damp. He still couldn’t speak, so he swallowed hard and then nodded again.

Remus laughed, a triumphant laugh, a delighted sound.

“YES!” he said. He punched the air and grabbed Severus again, kissing him even more possessively. Then Severus couldn’t help smiling too, he ducked his head and blushed. All at once he felt ridiculously happy.

But Remus had moved across the room. “I think that this calls for something special don’t you? He brought out that tattered old gramophone of his, and started to wind it up.

“Remember this?” he said, as the first note of a familiar melody filled the air

Oh, my love, my darling I've hungered for your touch.

Severus’ breath hitched, and the tears that had just started to recede began instead to overflow. All at once Severus was not a lonely and bitter man any more, he was a fifteen-year-old boy, with a future full of hope, spending some stolen moments with the boy that he loved.

a long lonely time, and time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much,

Remus walked back over to where Severus was standing. He stood beside him and opened his arms wide, he cocked his head on one side obviously asking a question.

are you still mine?


“Well?” he said, his eyes locked with Severus’


“I don’t know,” Severus said, all of a sudden feeling awkward again, doubting that this could really be happening. He could feel his self protective instincts coming to the fore, trying to protect his heart from potential hurt, “I …I erm, I’m not sure.

Remus came and stood beside him, he took one of Severus’ hands in his and gently laid his arm around behind Severus’ back.

I need your love

“I don’t know if I want to do this,” Severus said, “I don’t know if we should….”

“Severus.” Remus said as he wrapped the arm around his waist instead and grabbed his hand, pulling him close as the music swelled.

I need your love

“Severus,” he said again, in a voice that was low and deep and full of promise.

“Shut up and dance.”

So Severus did, he was fed up with fighting, with struggling against others and himself. He wanted someone to take care of him for a change. So he let himself be pulled close to Remus, let his head rest on the other man’s shoulder whilst he breathed in the woody, earthy scent that seemed to be Remus’ own. He forgot about everything but listening to the music and allowed himself to be led around the room by the man that he had loved beyond all reason since he was a teenager and as he danced he let himself believe that maybe everything was going to be alright after all, that he did have a future and it was indeed full of promise.

Godspeed your love to me

If you want to hear the song that Severus and Remus are dancing to whilst you read the last few paragraphs then go here winks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-idDbIfGvw