Never A Memory

A/N: Originally, I had no intention of sticking song lyrics in here, but I was listening to the song as wrote it, and by the end, I was tearing up and all emotional. On a whim, I typed out the lyrics to see how they would look on paper and they were perfect! Such a sad, sweet song.

Before I added the lyrics, the chapter was titled "I Didn't Mean It". I think I like it this way better.

Enjoy!




~Losing My Religion~

//…I thought that I heard you laughing…
…I thought that I heard you sing…
…I thought...
...that I saw...
...you cry…//

***

Heroth, Nadger, Beron, and Firse were the four Aurors guarding the Minister’s Suite when Harry stalked up, his face a dark cloud of anger. Nadger stepped forward, bodily blocking Harry’s entrance to the foyer.

“Potter, I don’t think—“

“Get out of my way, Nadger,” Harry said in a deadly quiet voice. “Now.”

Nadger exchanged a look with Heroth, who considered Harry Potter thoughtfully. Finally, Heroth shrugged. “He’s still the Head Auror.”

Reluctantly, Nadger stepped aside, still looking dubious. Harry pointed to the door and waited for all four Aurors to step out into the hall.

“No matter what you hear,” Harry murmured as he shut the door, “do not interrupt us.”

Harry momentarily closed his eyes and shuddered, trying to get his infamous temper under some semblance of control. He took a deep breath. And then another.

It wasn’t working. His blood was still boiling.

Harry stepped into the Suite.

//…Consider...
...Death…
…Consider…
…The lengths that I would go through…//

And saw stars as pain blossomed on the side of his jaw, forcing out a ragged gasp. Harry’s hand shot up to his mouth as he stumbled back, catching the blood that was dribbling from the corner of his split lip. Draco swam in his gaze, a very strange look on his face.

“What the fuck, Draco?!” Harry exploded, shaking his head to dispel the dizziness that came with Draco’s incredible right hook.

A slightly apprehensive look at odds with his outwardly calm demeanor, Draco took a step back, wondering if the Aurors had remembered to confiscate Harry’s wand. It didn’t matter, really. Harry could channel his magic without a wand as well as he could.

“I knew you were going to come in here and start a brawl with me, you simple-minded brute,” Draco declared, despising himself for the small tremor in his voice. “I just wanted to get the first punch in.”

Harry stared at the blond Slytherin incredulously, the urge to laugh nearly overwhelming. But then he remembered why he was here and growled, stepping forward and shoving Draco’s back against the wall.

However, what Draco lacked in strength, he made up for in speed. The Malfoy heir pivoted, snatching Harry’s wrist as he did so, pulling the Auror’s arm behind his back and pushing roughly against the wall until Harry was flush up against it. Draco leaned in and bit down Harry’s earlobe; not enough to draw blood, but just enough to evoke pain and pleasure, and everything else Draco Malfoy was to the Gryffindor Golden Boy.

“I just saved your arse, Harry,” Draco whispered into his ear. “Why can’t you just be grateful?”

//…Instead it brought me to my knees…
…And I don’t know if I can do it…//

An angry shout erupted from the young Auror as his wandless magic sparked up and threw Draco off of him. Harry whirled around, his brilliant green-eyed glare making Draco pause as the Slytherin straightened.

“That’s cheating,” Draco said finally, jabbing a finger at him, a rueful grin trying to show itself on the Slytherin’s lips.

“You think this is funny?!” Harry exploded, launching himself at Draco and grabbing the collar of his robes, shaking the blond man violently.

“He speaks,” Draco muttered sarcastically as Harry tightened his grip on his clothes.

Harry wanted tot throttle him, wanted to crack his face open and make him bleed. He wanted to make him beg, to force whimpered apologies, to make him claim that he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. Harry glared down into those bright, harsh gray eyes, and wanted to kiss the life out of him. To make him confess his true feelings with his hands. To thrust into him until Draco knew he was wrong. Until he knew he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it.

But Harry didn’t come here to beat Malfoy up, he had to remind himself. Nor did he come here to make violent love to him. Harry took a deep breath and loosened his grip on Draco’s clothes.

He had been angry and hurt, and still was; but when Harry slowed his thoughts and looked past his rage, he couldn’t remember exactly why he had come here at all. Harry let go of Draco’s collar and stepped back.

//…Hell, no…
…I said too much…
…I said enough…//

Draco’s eyes blazed in smoky indignation. “No!” Draco shouted, shoving him. “Don’t you dare give up!” Draco shoved him again. “Come on, you coward! You can care so much about me that you hate me for it; that’s okay. I’m used to that. But you are not allowed to be passive!”

Harry let out a short bark of laughter and turned away.

“I demand that you turn and face me, Potter,” Draco shouted. “Don’t run off and nurse your wounded pride like you did when I killed Voldemort.”

Something stiffened in Harry’s spine before he whipped around, his hand flying out from no where and backhanding Draco across the face. Draco managed to smile, even though he had bitten his tongue and the acrid taste of blood filled his mouth. “That’s more like it.”

No one would miss you.

That’s more like it.

//…I thought that heard you laughing…
…I thought that I heard you sing…//

Harry took a step towards Draco, his wandless magic spiking up as Draco’s magic did the same. They stared at one another; grey eyes taunting, green eyes wrathful.

A strangled noise sounded near the foyer. They both tore their eyes away to see Nadger gaping dumbly at them.

“Get out!” they both shouted simultaneously, glaring murderously at the intruding Auror. Nadger gulped and backed away, shutting the door firmly behind him.

Harry’s magic diminished a fraction as he sighed. “Draco, why are you provoking me? Do you want me to hurt you?”

“Don’t you want to?” Draco replied softly, his fingers clenching and unclenching.

“Sometimes,” Harry admitted, allowing his magic to vanish completely. “I’d rather not, though. Did you mean it?”

Draco frowned, allowing his magic to disperse as well. “Of course I did. It’s true, after all.”

//…Life is bigger…
…And bigger…
…You won’t want me…//

Harry seemed twice as angry with his response, but made no indication of attacking Draco again.

“I thought you would be happy to know it was the Horcrux Scar all along,” Draco murmured even though he looked as if the words tasted strange in his mouth. “You and me…it’s absurd, and you know it. I…” Draco hesitated, and then sighed. “I don’t want you to die for me, Harry. We both know you can use the Sword of Godric Gryffindor to sever our connection and destroy the Horcrux Scar if it’s necessary. Should you fail—“

“Don’t.”

“Should you fail, I want you to swear to not go and try to be a hero. We all know you’re very brave—“

“Don’t.”

“But you don’t need to—“

“Malfoy, stop it!” Harry all but screamed, a white hot line, sparked from their connection through the Horcrux Scar, blazed between them, and they were both momentarily blinded. “Stop being a fucking martyr!” Harry surged forward, grabbed Draco by his upper arm, led him into the living room, and shoved him onto the couch. Harry stood over him, shaking with the might of his frustration. Draco looked away.

//…The lengths that I would go through…//

“If you claim that everything between us was nothing more than a side effect from that blasted Scar, and that you knew it all along, you are no better than Cruent Mantle,” Harry grated.

Draco looked up then, baring his gritted teeth as an inexplicable wrath burned in his chest at the mere mention of the Gatherer’s name.

“I can buy that the Scar connected us unnaturally,” Harry continued, his face dark, his eyes bright. “Merlin knows I’ve had enough experience with it when Voldemort was alive. But, fuck you very much, Malfoy; I never, ever shagged the Dark Lord.”

“I never said—“

Harry laughed harshly. “You may as well have.”

“That’s not true,” Draco retorted defensively. “I never insinuated—“

“You insinuated that I was unable to choose my own feelings because of, quote: ‘the driving force of the Horcrux Scar’!”

//…I said too much…
…I said enough…//

Draco looked away again, seething.

“You want to know what I think--?”

“No, actually; but I have a sneaking suspicion you’re going to tell me anyway.”

Harry clenched his fingers into fists, digging his fingernails into the flesh of his palms to keep his temper in check. “I think you brought up that ridiculous theory about the Horcrux Scar just to anger me. I think you’re trying to distance yourself because you’re afraid. I think you believe that we’ll make it out of this and then you won’t know what to do with yourself. You’ll have no more reason to be the depressed, persecuted Slytherin snob and you’ll have to make a conscious decision whether or not be happy. And I think it scares the shit out of you. I think you’d rather die than try to be happy because it’s so foreign a thing for you.”

//…I thought that I saw you cry…//

Draco took in a deep breath. “Even if people like me could be happy, do you think I deserve to be?”

//…It’s me…//

“People like you?” Harry echoed angrily. “Draco Malfoy, you insufferable ponce; there is no one like you.”

//… Me…//

Draco looked up at him then, knowing, instinctually, that even if was a backhanded compliment at best, Harry had meant it nevertheless. “Even so.”

//…Me in the cold…//

Harry shook his head and swiveled his eyes skyward in desperation. When he finally looked back at Draco, the young Auror looked resigned. “I can’t say whether or not you deserve to be happy, Malfoy. No one can, except you. That’s the point of happiness; you have to choose in. It doesn’t just happen to some hapless person at random like the common cold.” Harry paused a moment, feeling suddenly vulnerable.

Do you love him? Do you love him? Do you love him?

“And I don’t know if we could be happy together, the ‘absurdity’ of our affair aside,” Harry continued at length. “I’d like to try; but I’ll tell you right now: I won’t carry the both of us by myself. You have to attempt to be happy. The last thing I need is some Pureblood Wizarding Hero depressing the hell out of me every time I turn around.”

The ghost of a smile curved the corner of Draco’s mouth. Who knew Harry Potter had a sense of humor?

I will leave my handprint on your soul.

Laughter.

I’ll let you sleep. I’ll let you sleep forever.

//…Losing my religion…
…Trying to keep an eye on you…
…And I don’t know if I can do it…
…I said too much…
…I said enough…//

Suddenly, all traces of a smile vanished from Draco’s mouth and he scowled. “It’s all very valiant of you, Harry; but—“

“Good God, Draco!” Harry exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

Rage suddenly shot through every fiber of Draco’s being like electricity and he jumped to his feet. “No, dammit! You leave God out of this!”

“What?”

“You know nothing of God!” Draco shouted, trembling. “NOTHING!”

Harry looked confused. “I didn’t mean—“

“What the hell’s the matter with you?” Draco demanded, and Harry suddenly felt he didn’t recognize this man at all. The calm, steady, sarcastic Draco was gone, replaced by a very frightened, very angry and vulnerable man with wild grey eyes. “You do not understand what you ask of me! I cannot…I cannot… Why can’t you just believe it was the Horcrux Scar? Why can’t you just…just…”

//…I though that I heard you laughing…
…I thought that I heard you sing…//

Harry abruptly pulled Draco into his arms, wondering if mentioning the word ‘God’ had triggered Maul’s resentment, shocking Draco out of his reserved façade.

“It’s easier to believe it wasn’t real,” Draco whispered into Harry’s neck. “It’s easier to believe we didn’t have a choice.”

There will come a time when we will have to decide between what is right and what is easy, Dumbledore had once said.

“Why?” Harry whispered back, feeling some Draco’s trembling subside as he calmed. It scared Harry how hair-triggered Draco’s emotions were becoming. Maul was getting stronger.

//…Losing my religion…//

“Because hope can destroy a person,” Draco said, pulling away and going to stand in front of magicked window. “Eating away at everything from the inside out.” Draco shuddered and rubbed his left forearm—where the scars of his scratched out Dark Mark lay hidden beneath his sleeve. “I learned that lesson when I was sixteen.”

Harry stayed standing awkwardly where he was. “I think your confusing hope with despair.”

“Fear makes you weak, anger makes you strong,” Draco said in a dead voice, watching the simulation of birds flittering past the window and disappearing into the deep, deep valley. “There’s no room for hope. Nor is there room for happiness. Not for someone like me.” Draco took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Maul will leave his handprint on my soul, even if he does not claim my life.”

“Anger makes you just as weak as fear,” Harry murmured. “I learned that lesson when I was sixteen.”

Draco snorted despairingly.

“Necessity lends us strength,” Harry went on to say. “I’m not going to let you die.”

“I’m telling you, it will be better to blame it all on the Horcrux Scar.”

Harry shook his head, even though Draco couldn’t see the movement because his back was turned. “Not better, Draco. Easier, but not better.”

//…It’s me…//

Do you love him? Do you love him? Do you love him?

“You can’t save everyone, Harry Potter.”

“I can’t save anyone. In the end, we all have to save ourselves. Some things you have to do for yourself, Malfoy.”

“I don’t understand.” Three words; and they pulled at Harry’s heart like nothing else.

“I could help you understand, but you would have to let me.”

“Responsibility, duty, dignity.” Draco looked at his hands. “And purity. Pure contempt, pure malice, pure hate. These things we understand. Nothing diluted; nothing confused or sporadic. Everything else is weakness. Everything else is watered-down. Dirty, muddy. Purebloods hold themselves above the rest because nothing is tainted. We understand the compassion in cruelty; we comprehend the desire in pain. Today, I was Pureblood.” Draco glanced mournfully over his shoulder at Harry. “And you hated me for it. I saw it in your eyes. And you know what I thought?” Draco turned back to the window. “’Good.’ I thought, this is better. This is the way it should be. You were never supposed to not hate me, Potter. You were always supposed to despise me.”

//…It’s me…//

“Not better; easier,” Harry said firmly, his eyes turning a sad shade of jade-green; a color Draco had never seen in his gaze before—nor would he still, because Draco still would not look at him. “I refuse to blame the Horcrux Scar. It is irresponsible. And if it is the reason we came together, than I am grateful for it.”

“Why?”

Do you love him? Do you love him? Do you love him?

Harry swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “Because I love you; and love is not a science.” Harry watched Draco’s back go completely rigid and felt his heart clench painfully. “I can love you past your pain, I can help you understand; but you have to let me.”

//… Can’t you see?..//

Then, before Draco could turn around and reject him, spouting anymore Pureblood nonsense about duty and dignity and the abject cruelty of their compassion, Harry turned on his heel and left the Suite.

Draco stared wide-eyed at the simulated landscape, his very breath vanishing from his lungs, his heart pounding in his chest. “Don’t go,” Draco whispered after he heard the door slam shut, feeling Harry’s absence like a punch in the stomach. “Don’t go.”

Draco closed his eyes. “I didn’t mean it.”

~*~

Lyrics from song “Losing My Religion” covered by Tori Amos.


A/N: Thanx for your reviews guys!


paigeey07Thank you for saying so! I hope enjoyed this update as well; and thanx for your review!



Lilith: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah, I think that's what hurt Harry the most and Draco is now realizing the full extent of what he may have screwed up.

You know? I think it certainly pissed him off that no one let him in on the little secret, though, of course, they have their obvious reasons. I think Harry will get over it pretty swiftly, or at least, turn it into fuel to get this case over done with. Lol, yes, he's an angsty boy. I laughed about that one for a full five minutes. No one at my office could figure out what was so funny. He'll get over it. He usually does.

"I did like to see everyone rally together to fight for Harry. Shows exactly what kind of man he is to command such loyalty..." ---*grins* I think so too. Harry's never really been short on friends, even if he chooses to feel that way from time to time. Harry's a good guy, even if he is kinda angsty. He's a genuinely good person. And people migrate to him like moths to a flame; and they also respect him. I'm glad I drove this point home for you. :)

P.S.

ME TOO! Luna Lovegood rocks! I was so thrilled I was able to write a part for her to play. I have my fits of favoriting Neville Longbottom because he's so clumsily adorable, but usually Luna has my vote for all-time favorite character. She really does make alot of sense when you listen closely, even if she sound really loopy.



mariahs_fantasy: I liked the '...talk like adults and reconcile...' part of your review. They're still a bit childish in this chapter, but a chapter in the future will have a decent reconciliation, *wink*. I hope you enjoyed the update and thank you so much for your review!



thrnbrooke: Well, I think he did an OK job of holding in his temper...mostly. Sort of. Lol, thanks for your review and I hope you enjoyed the update!



Timothy the Paperclip(Reili and Akira): Thank you! Originally, I had imagined that their confrontation would be really violent, with screaming and all the rest, and then Harry would storm out in a right temper. But then, yesterday, I was driving...somewhere, and, I think, listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers, you know, the song from the Death Note Soundtrack? Anyway, I was driving around and the thought hit me that it might be really funny to have Draco throw the first punch because he already knows what's coming. I remember picturing it really vividly in my head and I couldn't stop laughing for about an hour. So when I settled down to write this this morning, I put it in, and the chapter evolved from there. I like it this way much, much better. Not only does it give the chapter a splash of humor, but it also serves yet another opportunity to write Draco in the most canon-like way. He can be an asshole; they both can be. That's why we love 'em. And, in the first part of the chapter, we can see that really clearly without having them work out their macho-ness by beating the crap out of one another unecessarily. What did you think about it?

Thanks again for your review and I hope you enjoyed the update!