Dearest Harry - Eileen's Story

Thanks Claudia for betaing and giving me so much support. There are two more chapters to go, they just need betaing and editing so they will hopefully be up tomorrow or the next day. ~ Lucie


Fifty One.


In the morning Harry felt stiff and sore again.

Draco had gone to help Eileen and Hermione brew potions and Severus had not awoken yet. Madam Pomfrey was not worried, she insisted that she had given Severus a sleeping draught and a blood replenishing potion and the two would keep him asleep until early afternoon at least.

Molly had been in to see him, she had insisted that he wear a new jumper that she had knitted. It was a blue one, plain this time. She had seemed hugely releaved when he had put it on. He thought that she was still trying to say that she was sorry, but when she had hugged him, her eyes full of tears and thanked him for the lives of her children, Harry had not known what to say. In the end, he had told her that blue was his favourite colour and eventually she had gone away, apparently happily enough.

Eileen had been in to see him as well, she had told him that the sheer number of injured people meant that she had to help brew potions but had offered to stay with Harry if he wanted her to. Swallowing the lump that had risen in his throat at his Gran making the offer, Harry had nonetheless told her that he would be fine and of course she had to make potions for the injured. She given him a loving smile at that and told him that she had organised a rota of people to sit with Severus and that Harry should take it easy and just rest.

But Harry could not just lie on his bed and do nothing when everyone else was busy, so he went to see how his uncle was doing, and whether he had woken up yet.

Luna and Winky were currently sitting on the only chairs in Severus’ room. Apparently it was Luna’s turn to sit with Severus, and she was teaching Winky to knit.

So Harry felt at a loose end, he wanted to be in there with Severus too. Actually he wanted to send Luna away, but she seemed so content. Nobody it seemed, needed his help right now. Ron and Hermione and some of the others had gone to help clean up the Ministry. Twenty-nine people had died the day before, seventeen of them Death Eaters. There had indeed been a battle before Voldemort’s forces had reached the chamber which had contained the veil. The worst of the deaths was a seven year old girl, who had come to visit her father. Harry had felt awful when Kingsley told him, but the big Auror had insisted that it was not Harry’s fault, that thanks to him the war was over, all the other Death Eaters had been captured, and there was no-longer any need to fight. That thanks to Harry no more children were going to die in a pointless war, no more families would be destroyed.

Harry didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t want to rest, he almost welcomed the lingering soreness in fact, because it made yesterday seem more real, the odd twinge or sharp pain told Harry better than anything that the battle, the veil and the destruction of Voldemort, were not a dream. But everyone else was busy or being useful and Harry didn’t have a use anymore, not now that Voldemort was dead. So he stood by the door of his uncle’s room and watched the other man sleep, watched Luna show Winky how to cast on knitting stitches.

“You really care about him, don’t you Harry?” Harry had been so engrossed in his thoughts and watching Severus sleep that he hadn’t heard Sirius come up behind him and he jumped when the other man spoke.

“He has been good to you hasn’t he?” Harry turned to look at his godfather. He nodded tightly, Severus had been more than good to him, he had been like a father in recent weeks or, at least the closest thing to a father that Harry had ever known.

“I am sorry, Harry.” Sirius said, “it should have been me who supported you, guided you to the final battle.”

“No!” Harry said, “it wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I believed Voldemort, I should have realised it was trick, it was my fault that you were there, my fault that you died!”

Sirius reached over and gently touched Harry’s cheek.

“Will you come and talk to me, Harry?” Sirius asked.

Harry stiffened, he really didn’t want to do this, he didn’t know what they could say to each other, how Sirius would ever forgive him…

“It was not your fault, Harry,” Sirius said again. He took Harry’s hand and led him along the corridor and back to Harry’s room. The bed had been shrunk back to its normal size and since Harry could not imagine Madam Pomfrey ever being as relaxed as she had been the night before, he was sure that tonight he would have to sleep alone. She was determined that Harry should stay at least one more night, ‘for observation,’ she’d said and Harry couldn’t deny that he did still feel very sore.

He sat on the bed and Sirius sat on the low armless chair that was the only other available place to sit in the room.

Harry put his hands in his lap and looked at them, so that he didn’t need to look at his godfather.

“I am not going to make trouble for Snape, Harry,” Sirius said.

Harry let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding.

“I can see that you care for him. Remus and I talked for a long time last night. I…I couldn’t sleep and Remus was in too much pain, but he refused to be drugged, he wanted to talk. Pomfrey got to him this morning, said he needed to rest. Slathered him in a gold coloured salve and forced him to drink a dreamless sleep potion. That woman is a terror when she wants to be.”

Harry felt awash with guilt again and jumped to his feet. “Oh God, and I haven’t been to see him yet, poor Remus!”

“Sit down, Harry, he is asleep now, remember? According to Poppy he will be out at least until dinner time.”

He looked directly at Harry again, his eyes searching for something, Harry wasn’t sure what.

“She says that you are the best healer that she has ever seen. Lily would have been so proud. James too. Do you realise how well you’ve done, Harry ? What a fine man you’ve grown into?”

Harry’s eyes felt prickly with tears, but he wasn’t going to cry, he told himself firmly, he’d cried too much lately.

“Remus told me a lot of what these past few months, no years, have been like for you, about your time with those awful relatives.” Sirius’ eyes flashed with anger. “I should have there for you Pup, I shouldn’t have been so fucking hot-headed and got myself landed in Azkaban.”

“Sorry,” Harry said again.

“Harry, kid,” Sirius’ voice was softer, more gentle than Harry had ever heard it. “Watch my lips. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.”

“But..”

Sirius moved from the chair, he came and sat beside Harry and put a finger to Harry’s lips. Harry stiffened, but Sirius said just a single word.

“No.”

For a moment Harry couldn’t speak, he didn’t know what to say. Sirius really meant it, didn’t he? Maybe, now that Sirius was back, Harry could let go of the guilt a little bit? But he was still worried; there were still questions he had to ask.

“Will you..erm, now that you’re back will you have to return to prison?” he asked.

“Nah Pettigrew’s dead. Kingsley says that that his body is enough to clear me.”

Harry stiffened again, this time in shock.

“Didn’t anyone tell you?” and when Harry shook his head, “your boyfriend’s father killed him, he was the one who hurt Remus.”

“Lucius?” Harry wondered how the still injured man had accomplished that feat and then felt another wave of guilt over what had happened to both Lucius and Remus.

“And stop looking so guilty. What happened to Remus was not your fault, nor was what happened to me, or any of the others who died, or your Mum and Dad for that matter and you had better believe that I will keep saying this, until I have worn you down so much that one day you’ll believe me. I can be very persistent you know,” Sirius grinned but there was a determination in his eyes that told Harry his godfather meant what he said.

Harry smiled, he did feel a little bit lighter, a little less responsible somehow. It really was good to have Sirius here; he was so full of understanding, so caring somehow. Harry had forgotten his humour, the way that Sirius made him smile.

“You are amazing, kid!” Sirius continued, “you have stood between this world and evil for far too long, and for much of the time you were alone.”

“I wasn’t!” Harry said, “there was Dumbledore and Ron and Hermione and…..”

“A manipulative old man and two children, Harry? When you should have had, at the very least, the support of a loving family?

“Remus has told me the difference that Snape has made to you, and with him, Eileen Prince and Draco Malfoy in your life, he says you’ve been like a different boy in the last few weeks. He says that you have become a man with their help.

“Snape is your uncle, a blood relative you can apparently depend on, something that you should have had all along. I can hardly believe it myself, the greasy git is Lily’s brother!”

Harry scowled and to his surprise Sirius flushed.

He was quiet for a moment, but when Harry didn’t speak, he continued.

“I have missed a lot haven’t I? I don’t think that I really understand it all. Some of what has happened to you I saw from beyond the veil, I saw you hug Snape, I saw you heal his mother, I didn’t quite know what was happening, because it was like fragments of a dream. But now that I am here I can see that you care for him. I watched you standing there in his doorway and the look on your face, it was so tender, Harry! Merlin, if you ever looked at me like that! Everything has changed so much.”

Sirius trailed off then, stopped speaking; it was his turn to look at his hands.

Harry cleared his throat.

“I was dying,” he said, “the day that Severus came to the Dursley’s. They always hated me, never tried to help me. I was very ill, I know that now, I didn’t know what to do anymore, how to fight it all.”

Harry saw the flash of anger in his godfather’s eyes again and he blushed.

“When I was a little boy, I couldn’t understand why they didn’t love me.” Harry wrapped his arms around himself, he couldn’t look at Sirius but ,from the corner of his eye he saw his godfather stiffen in his turn. But Harry had to tell him this, he had to explain to him how he felt about Severus and Eileen, how things had changed, so he carried on.

“I tried so hard to get them to at least like me, but they never would. Then Hagrid came, and I found out about this world, about magic, and things changed. I finally found friends and people who seemed to like me, and even though there was an evil bastard out to kill me, and even though some people seemed to hate me, it was better somehow.”

“But the people that hated you included Snape and Malfoy!” Sirius said, he sounded indignant on Harry’s behalf, it almost made Harry smile.

“Yeah, but they don’t anymore. They both did something that the Dursley’s never did. They got over their hatred and things are different now. They’ve changed, I’ve changed too.

“I love Draco.” His eyes met Sirius’ for a moment; he wanted to show his godfather how serious he was. “I will always love Draco. But Severus? For ages I still didn’t like him, or trust him. Somewhere in the past few months, though, I have come….I have come to care for him very much indeed.

“He saved my life again, but he has been doing that for years. But that time at the Dursley’s ...when I was ill he carried me to bed, and he brushed my hair out of my eyes and he talked to me. He listened too. He stopped seeing my dad in me I think and he saw me instead. My dad was such a prat to him, you all were and it just wasn’t right!”

Harry felt a flash of anger; he looked at Sirius again and was surprised to see that his godfather seemed genuinely contrite.

“We were shitty to him, Harry.” Sirius admitted, “We all were. And he was shitty back. But we grew out of it you know!”

Harry felt a bit sceptical at Sirius’ words, his godfather might have thought that he had stopped picking on Severus but Harry could still remember the pointed barbs that had seemed to strike home so often at Grimmauld Place. But maybe Sirius didn’t count those, as Severus had appeared to give as good as he got, and there had only ever been the two of them who had indulged in their heated spats.

Perhaps he was talking about the bullying, because that was indeed what had happened to Severus, he had been bullied and Harry knew what that felt like better than anyone..

“Four against one, Sirius.” Harry said, “How was that ever fair? How could you think it was?”

Sirius smiled.

“Merlin, Harry,” he said. “Sometimes when I look at you, even now, you still look so much like your dad, that it takes my breath away. But I wonder if I ever really knew you before? Because in other ways, you are so like Lily! That was just the sort of thing she would have said, did say in fact, lots and lots of times. She always defended him, she never stopped, even when he wouldn’t speak to her anymore.

“We were prats you know, me and James. But we did grow up and change,” his smile turned bitter for a moment, “well at least James did. He was a very good man, your father. Do you really think that someone like your mum could have loved him the way she did - and she really did love him, Harry - if he hadn’t changed? He was brave and fair and fiercely loyal. He was never prejudiced and he always tried to fight for the underdog.”

“He wasn’t like that with Severus!” Harry said, stubbornly. He had never forgotten that scene in the pensieve, the petty cruelty of it. And it still hit far too close to home, reminding him of the times he had fallen victim to Dudley and his gang.

“He was never like that with anyone else.” Sirius whispered that last sentence. “Don’t you know what it was, Harry, that made him hate Snape like he did, well apart from the dark arts knowledge that he flaunted so much?”

“ No?”

“James was jealous.”

Harry felt his jaw drop.

But Sirius continued quickly, “Oh not of material stuff, or anything like that. Snape had Lily. She loved him you know? They made friends when they were eleven years old and nothing would shake Lily’s loyalty. James liked Lily, she fascinated him, even when they were little kids, she had an energy about her, a fierce love of life. You have it too, but Lily didn't want to know him, she thought he was a prat, told him so often enough and then went back to her friend Snape. James hated him for that, hated the fact that for years she seemed to think that James was a shallow, egotistical prat and yet she loved Snape unconditionally. After the whole thing with Remus, Lily saw a different side to James, a caring side. But when she fell for James, Snape never forgave her, not until it was too late anyway.

“The irony of it all was that Lily loved Snape like a brother, and all the time he actually was her fucking brother!” Sirius gave a bitter laugh. “For fuck’s sake! If only we had fucking known!”

“Would it really have changed things that much?” Harry asked curiously.

Sirius’ eyes when he met Harry’s were rimmed with red, he swallowed hard.

“I really don’t know kid, I just don’t know. I think that James might have been a bit more, I don’t know. A bit kinder, less antagonistic. If he had known he might have made more of an effort to be nicer to Snape at least when he first fell for Lily, though I doubt they would ever have been friends.”

“His name is Severus,” Harry said, “and he is a very good man.”

Sirius looked at Harry for a very long time, Harry could see all kinds of emotions flitting across his godfather’s face, he couldn’t identify them all but he saw that at least one was sorrow, and another was regret.

“I know he is, and I can see that you care for him. I am sorry, Harry.” Sirius said simply, “I am not going to try and make problems, Pup. I want to be a part of your life but if there isn’t a role for me right now, that’s okay. I just want you to be happy.

“After all, Harry, what you have given me is something that no man would ever expect. A second chance at life. I’m not going to waste it, not this time.”

“Oh Sirius!” Harry didn’t quite know what to say and then settled for the truth. “I am so glad that you are back, I missed you so much!” This time the tears did fall, and before he could say anything else he was in his godfather’s arms and being held tight and he was sobbing, and all the while Sirius just held him whilst Harry cried with all his heart, for all that might have been.




When Severus woke up, Harry was sitting in the chair by his bed.

His mouth was dry and he couldn’t speak. But Harry seemed to know exactly what to do. He brought a glass of cool water to Severus lips and placed a straw in his mouth. Severus thought wryly that undoubtedly Harry knew just what one needed most after being unconscious; he had had plenty of practice after all.

“Are you all right, Harry?” he asked, the boy’s eyes were red and his face was blotchy, he looked as if he had been crying.

Harry nodded.

“Are you?” he asked, his eyes were shadowed with worry. “I thought that I had lost you, Severus,” he said, his voice quiet and gentle.

Then Severus remembered. Harry’s panic, his tears when he thought that Severus was dying. Remembering, he felt warmed all over again by Harry’s concern, his obvious regard for him, Severus Snape. When Sirius Black had come through the veil, Severus had thought that Harry would rush to his godfather, that Severus’ own part in his life would be over, or at least much curtailed. But Harry’s reaction when Severus had collapsed, he hadn’t expected that at all.

Harry’s words came back to him, words about Severus. “I need him, I love him It was never meant to be an exchange.”

Severus’ chest felt tight.

“I feel somewhat sore today,” he replied dryly, “but then I am sure you feel a little tender yourself?”

Harry smiled a little grimly and then ducked his head, “Yeah, I do a bit.”

Severus cleared his throat.

“Er, how is your godfather?” Severus did not want to see Harry turn away, did not want the boy to snap at him, but he also had to know how Harry felt, whether now that Severus was awake again Harry would want to return to Sirius Black, he steeled himself to not to say a word if that is what Harry wanted to do.

But Harry looked at him steadily, green eyes unwavering. He seemed to know what Severus was really asking.

“He is fine,” Harry gave a short laugh, “better than me in fact. He … he said that he would not interfere, Severus. He said he appreciates all that you have done. And erm, so do I.”

Harry ran his hand through his hair, so that it stood up at odd angles all over his head. “I’m glad you are okay.” The boy hesitated, clearly wanting to say his next words but embarrassed to as well. “I don’t know what I’d have done if you had been killed. You mean an awful lot to me you know?”

He reached over and patted, his uncle’s arm. “I told Sirius that I won’t allow him to upset you.”

If Severus had not been in bed right then, he probably would have collapsed at Harry’s words. Even now, even with the return of his godfather, Harry’s only link to his father, someone he cared about deeply, he didn’t seem to be about to turn away from Severus. It seemed he really was not going to lose Harry’s regard or his support.

When Lily had fallen in love with James, Severus had not been able to forgive her, he’d lost her to the boy he hated the most, whatever she had said to the contrary. But with Harry it was different wasn’t it? Harry wasn’t in love with Black and it appeared that he had told the other man that Severus was important to him.

A part of Severus’ heart that had never really recovered from what he still viewed, even after all these years, as Lily’s betrayal suddenly felt less sore.

“I..er….Um thank you, Harry,” he said. Severus felt battered and bruised, but he had been in worse pain. He wanted to get out of bed, to hold his nephew, prove to himself that Harry was indeed real, that this brave, fiercely loyal boy was still defending him, that he probably always would.

Then the door opened and Eileen came in, full of delight to see Severus awake and Harry bolted. He was bright red when he left the room and Eileen stared after him in astonishment. “Is he okay, Sev?” she asked. Severus just nodded. He felt lighter than he had in a long, long time. He doubted that Harry would ever be as candid as he had been in those few moments when he had thought Severus was dying, but Severus didn’t care. Harry cared about him, it was evident in his actions and his eyes. He wasn’t going to lose Harry to Black. “I think he’ll be fine, Mum.” He answered, his voice was somewhat scratchy and he felt like he had been trampled by one of Hagrid’s insane beasts. But he also thought that things between him and Harry at least were going to be fine.


Harry ran, he ran out of the castle and down to the lake, away from Severus and Eileen, away from Sirius, away from Remus and Pomfrey and the Weasleys. He threw himself on the ground under the big, old oak tree that stood close to the water’s edge. For a moment back at the castle, just after he had left Severus’ room, he had felt a wave of bitterness so strong, so overwhelming that he thought he might drown

He had a family now, fuck there were hundreds of people all caring about him, worried about him, wanting to help.

But he was seventeen now, an adult in the wizarding world, he didn’t need them anymore did he? Ron and Hermione had been there since he was little boy, and Draco too in his own perverse way. He had been his enemy since they were eleven years old, he had never let up on the taunts and the hatred, and hatred was close to love wasn’t it? Well sometimes anyway. Harry was under no illusions that Snape had loved him ever! Well before this year anyway. He started at that thought, Severus loved him now though didn’t he, he really, really did and so did Eileen.

But why now? Where the fuck were they all when he was four years old and stuck in his cupboard so hungry that he couldn’t even think? Or when he was eight and Aunt Marge’s dog had bitten him? Or ten and he had spent three weeks locked away in the middle of the summer for accidentally setting a snake on his cousin. Why weren’t they there when he had felt freakish and lonely and uncared for, why now when it was too late?

But what Harry had told Sirius was true, he would not have survived the Dursley’s this summer, at least not with his magic intact if it had not been for Severus. Severus hadn’t been too late. And the way that his grandmother looked at him, Harry felt warm inside just thinking about his grandmother. As far as he was concerned she was perfect. For a second he wished that she could have told Severus years ago, that Lily could have known about their relationship too. That maybe James and Severus could have overcome their hatred of one another. For a second Harry thought about how his life could have been different if he had been loved, had had a loving family.

But that was not what had happened and Harry was not someone to give into regret. He had survived, he had people who cared for him now, even if he didn’t quite know how to deal with it all, or how he might truly reconcile them all to each other. But then he had a thought. It struck him with all the force of a bludger. He didn’t have to do it alone! They would work things out, he didn’t have to struggle on alone any more, he had someone he could turn to if he needed too. Lots of someones.

“You alright mate?” Harry blinked and looked up; it was Ron who had spoken. His friend’s face was full of concern and Harry realised that his face was streaked with tears yet again. Ron and Hermione stood close together, they were holding hands.

Harry nodded and they both moved over to sit beside him. Hermione, reached out and took Harry’s hand too.

“You must be exhausted, Harry,” she said.

“Want a chocolate frog?” Ron asked, emptying a bag of them onto the grass in front of them all.

Harry laughed, some things never changed, like Ron’s addiction to sweets or the fact that they were still here, still with him and supporting him after all this time.

Then all at once Harry knew it really and truly was going to be all right, Voldemort was dead and Harry could really have a life. He had a family, he had friends, he had,

“Draco.”

The blond boy stood a little to one side, a short distance away. He had a closed look on his face, as if unsure about his welcome.

“Hi,” Harry said warmly and Draco smiled, a tiny little smile

“Um, I wonder if I might join you, I have finished brewing for today,” he said somewhat formally.

“Course mate!” Ron replied, “We are trying to cheer up grumpy guts here. You’d think that after defeating a dark lord, he would at least crack a smile once in a while, wouldn’t you? Fancy a chocolate frog?”

So Draco came and sat beside them, and Harry told his friends and his lover a bit about his day, about Severus’ recovery, his conversation with Sirius and they told him what they had been doing. The autumn afternoon stayed warmish, with the red-gold sunlight reflecting off the orange leaves of the tree and nobody talked about a certain evil wizard who was finally gone for good and who really didn’t matter to them any more anyway.