On the Side of the Angels

Chapter Four: Mistaken Intentions

“Remus! Wait, come on. Please, wait!” Sirius sprinted up behind him, dropping a hand on his shoulder. “Remy, we need to talk.” Remus turned to him, amber eyes tired and face in an annoyed scowl. He hadn’t gotten that much sleep, things had been too … heav his his mind. He’d lain awake all night, staring at the roof of the tent and imagining Severus’ scowl followed by Ss’ hs’ hurt look over and over again. He’d kept Peter up with his unusual stillness and his podgy friend had tried to murmur apologies in his ear for about an hour before Remus told him it was all right.

For all of tntelntelligence that Peter seemed to store up for special occasions, he was very easily led and would do absolutely anything for James.

He’d gotten up bleary eyed that morning and had went silently for breakfast, barely scraping together a tiny grin for Stacey the Hufflepuff as she served him. He had really wanted to go charging to Sirius and wrap his arms around him but something inside of him said that if he did that Sirius would learn nothing and incidents like the previous nights would happen again.

He didn’t want that.

“Please, Remy,” Sirius had tears in his eyes. For everything Sirius Black was (a charmer, a Quidditch stud, a bubbly, excitable person) he was still very vulnerable at times. Remus knew that Sirius loved him, however, for now that wasn’t enough. He had to at least admit that what he’s done had been wrong.

“Not now, Sirius. I can’t talk right now, I need to think,” Remus started to walk away but Sirius’ hand was on his arm. Remus had made up his mind. He was going to go foraging on his own. They’d talk when he’d come back, when he’d prepared what he’d wanted to say and thought it through properly, “Sirius, let me go. Please?”

When he turned fully Sirius let of his hand and dropped it to his side. The boys head was hanging miserably and a tear had slipped from his eye, to touch his cheek and no more. How beautiful he was, Remus thought but, just as quickly, he sobered. Sirius had to remember th-that he dn’tdn’t stand for this, “I’ll talk to you later,” then he walked off.

He was breaking inside. Miserable himself and there seemed to be no light at the end of his tunnel … Sirius had given him so much, he had turned, almost overnight, into his entire world. The impulsive, determined individual was Remus’ everything. He truly couldn’t think of a time when Sirius wouldn’t be his first focus in life. Not long ago they’d talked about what they were plans were for after they graduated. A small house, a little garden and eventually, marriage and kids. All that normal stuff that seems so undeniably important.

But ignoring Sirius this way? It was killing him. The memory of his arms haunted Remus, the thought of their lips pressing together danced around the edges of his perception and, as he strode into the woods, he felt his heart tug at him, pulling the other way. Pulling towards Sirius. He knew, however, that he had to stand his ground. He had to teach Sirius that he wasn’t going to be taken for granted.

He also had to teach his friends that he would talk to anyone he wanted to. He was not going to be stopped from making friends outside the four Marauders just because the rest of them didn’t like the person he chose. Fair enough, Severuspe wpe was snaky, disagreeable and downright rude sometimes but he didn’t have many friends and Remus felt sorry for him.

He wasn’t befriending him ‘out of some misplaced sense of guilt’ or anything like that. Remus had made up his mind long ago not to pity people, his lycanthropy wasn’t something he wanted people to pity. He hated being pitied for being ‘the poor family.’ No. That wasn’t why he was making friends, or attempting to, with Severus. It was because he wanted to, because the sable haired youth intrigued him. Mystified him.

There was a hidden strength within Severus Snape that Remus longed for. That independence, Severus wasn’t plagued with a longing for company as far as Remus could see and so he did exactly as he pleased. That bull headed streak that separated him from everyonse wse was something Remus had wanted to … investigate, fully.

He wasn’t sure that he had that chance anymore. Just as he’d begun getting through to Severus everything had blown apart. Or rather it had been blown apart by James, Sirius and their plotting. Still, Remus toughened his resolve, he would speak with Severus tonight. He would find him and try to make amends for whatever damage his friends had caused.

Then he would go back to Sirius and make love to him properly for the first time, he would show him that he was still in love with him.

* * *

Severus had been collecting his bags and labels for the plant leaves that he was to collect when Black had come charging past him. Severus had noted with satisfaction that tears were streaming his cheeks, angry curse words were swimming from his mouth and his friends couldn’t get near him as he tore through the bush in the general direction of the forest. Served him right, arrogant, cocky bastard that he was, he deserved pain.

What he didn’t know was that Severus had several of the narcotic ‘joints’ left and the few that Black had taken were nothing to the handful Lucius had given him. Idiot. Black’s thinking was on the small scale. If he’d been thinking at all, in fact, he would have waited until Severus was out of his tent or asleep and gone through his things and his clothes. He would have hexed Severus while he was asleep. Idiot. Now Severus had his tent spell locked at night and a Thief’s Curse on any and all of his things laying within.

It had gotten dark in the past few hours, the sky dropping to aeateeatening blackness, grey clouds threatening to rain tears on them in the darkness. Severus had decided that he would smoke another two tonight, which left him the exactly one a night until the end of the trip. As he walked out onto the grass and stood up, his head spun and a wave of dizziness crept over him. It had been threatening to do that all day. Damn Black, curse him to hell!

How had Black and Potter managed to get their wands out with them? Severus had thought that he was the only one who had managed to sneak his past the inspection. He had a feeling that Lupin and Pettigrew probably had theirs too but he wasn’t sure. It was a complicated spell, hiding a wand, never mind four and it bothered Severus that they’d managed something he had been researching for months. Mind you, Lupin was probably the reason. Thanks to the curses the day before, he was worried that Professor Goodkind would have sensed the magic’s but no, she seemed oblivious. That was a good thing. At least he still had some measure of protection.

Striding out into the woods he found his ledge. Black and Potter wouldn’t bother him this time, they were too worried that Lupin wouldn’t speak to them again. Severus had witnessed the cold display that morning, Lupin had blanked Potter completely. Pettigrew seemed to be the only one he would talk to. Severus felt a vague sense of satisfaction flooding him. At least Lupin had finally found these tse to stop following his friends about like a wolf cub after it’s mother.

He was just about to take out one of the narcotics when there was a rustle behind him. Spinning quickly and realising that he’s left his wand inside his tent Severus came face to face with Remus Lupin. What the hell did he want?

“Look,” Lupin held his hands out in front of him, “I only want to apologise. You’ve worked out by now that I knew what they were planning. You know I tried to warn you. I’m sorry that I came so late,” the boy looked dejected, defeated. Downtrodden. Good.

“I don’t want your apologies, piss off,” Severus turned away from him, sticking his hands in his pockets for warmth. It was a cold night, he could almost see his breath in the air. His Muggle jacket wasn’t enough to keep some of the chill from seeping into his bones.

“Please, Severus. I don’t want to argue,” Lupin crumpled to a heap on the ground, head in his hands, “I only ever wanted to be your friend.” Severus had a feeling that, though his suspicion wanted to lean to the contrary, what Lupin was saying was the truth. He hadn’t meant to hurt Severus. He’d only really wanted to annoy him to death. A wave of pity struck him unexpectedly despite his best efforts to ignore it and in the end, instead of delivering a biting retort, he shrugged.

“Fine,” was the only thing he said. At this Lupin raised his head, a grateful yet tiny smile on his face.

“Thanks, Severus. I really could use someone to talk to, right about now,” Severus grunted.

“It’s your own fault. If your going to befriend a Quidditch jock and his loyal Beater, Black, then you ask for whatever you get,” the scathing remark slid from Severus’ tongue before he’d had a chance to tell it to get back. Never mind, he hadn’t asked for Remus Lupin’s friendship so it wouldn’t matter much if he lost it again.

“I guess your right,” the boy laughed, tossing his tawny shoulder length hair out of his eyes, “I did kind of ask for it.” That took Severus by surprise. The boy was so damned agreeable. It was sickening.

“At least you admit it,” he snipped then, sitting down beside Lupin he leant back against a tree, “Although I am loathe to confess it, I do understand the attraction. Pettigrew, however? I’m afraid I am at a loss to explain why you would ever befriend such an irritating, thick, little weasel.”

Lupin’s brow furrowed, “He’s not thick, he’s just a little slow. Peter’s been put through a lot with bulling. You know, about his weight and stuff? Petey, he means well. He worships Sirius and James, so he’d follow them to the end of the earth whether he was right to do so or not.”

Severus’ face twisted into a disgusted sneer, his top lip curling, “There is nothing Godlike about Potter and Black. Pettigrew is an idiot. He’d be better off idolising you, at least you have some sense in that head,” Lupin smiled brightly and leaned in against Severus, putting his head on Severus’ cold shoulder.

“Thanks, Sev’,” Sev’? Since when did he say that Lupin could call him Sev’? Hmm. His brow burrowed but he said nothing, vaguely acknowledging in some deep, dark place inside of himself, that he liked Lupin’s causal companionship a little more than he was letting on.

“So you came out here to apologise?” Severus asked, the scornful note almost gone from his voice, “That was it? When you could be making up with Black,” that last bit did sound a bit annoyed though, vaguely sickened.

“Yes. I thought your feeling’s were a little more important than making up with Sirius right now,” a thought seemed to strike him, “How’s the head?” he turned and instantly pushed Severus’ hair from his face. Severus froze, unused to feeling someone else so close to him. Lupin’s fingers were very gentle, almost like feather touches to him. It felt good but still he couldn’t, wouldn’t, move.

“It’s still in a lump. Maybe you should go see Profe --” Lupin shrieked and jumped away from Severus as something hard and reeking of rotting flesh hit the ground between them. Severus inched back a bit. It was a squirrel, chewed up and broken. Bloody. Disgusting …

“Bloody stupid thing!” Severus looked up to see Lupin shaking his fist in the air towards the trees and for a second he thought that the boy had gone mad, “What the hell do you want?” he continued, “Go the fuck away!” Severus had never heard profanity like that from Lupin and was shocked somewhere in the recess’ of his mind. Then he looked up.

A grinning Clabbert swung not far above their heads. It honestly looked as though it was laughing, “What ..?” Severus didn’t have time to saying anything more as the Clabbertan pan pelting a barrage of half eaten animals at him. The thing obviously felt like this was the best of fun.

Lupin clung to his arm and pulled him back, away from the thing. Then something clicked in Severus mind, a switch flicked on a light, “Lupin! Look out for the - -” but it was too late and the boy had fallen backwards, arms flailing and hand out for Severus’. He grabbed for his fellow student but in the end, the gravel and loose grass at his feet gave way and he tumbled down after Lupin’s fast descending form.

They rolled and rolled, Severus hit a branch on the way down the slope, winding him and leaving him gasping for breath as he bumped and banged down the hill. Finally, he rolled to a stop, body faintly beginning to ache in placed that it shouldn’t. His head throbbed again and he could feel a rushing sensation through his temple. He mentally began calculating the severity or his wounds and cataloguing them for future reference. His legs seemed to work and his brain was functioning. That was something, at least. It was then that he heard the tiny sob coming from somewhere on his left.

Lupin.

Severus rolled onto his side and his face instantly pulled into a grimace. Lupin’s hand and wrist were snapped back, the bones very obviously broken and the boy was cradling the wound to him, silent tears escaping him as he keened over it. Severus’ respect for the boy suddenly shot up. If that had have been anyone else then they would have been crying out in agony. Lupin, while still white and shaking with shock and pain, was almost calm while he inspected the injury.

Severus crawled over to him and sat down gently, his fingers brushing over the wounds. Lupin had come out the worst for the fall, his face and neck were riddled with scratched while his t-shirt was ripped and bruises were showing through.

“We’re not going to be able to climb up,” Lupin suddenly said, “It’s too steep,” the pain in his eyes made Severus want to whimper in sympathy. He was rocking gently now, soft gasps and little, high pitched yet very quiet cries sounded from his mouth. Severus took his Muggle jacket off and, after a few minutes, had wrapped the shattered wrist into a makeshift sling.

Lupin was crying openly now, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to pull you down with me. Gods, now look at the mess we’re in,” Severus swallowed his pride and slipped an arm around Lupin’s shoulders, shivers wracking his own frame. He turned and leaned his back to Severus’ chest, his warmth spreading through the boy’s sallow skin and into his muscles.

“Oh, do be quiet Lupin,” Severus admonished, it sounded pitifully gentle, “They’re bound to come looking for us eventually. There’s no need to worry,” he plastered a sneer to his face, “You shouldn’t be stuck with me too long.”

“I’d rather be stuck with you than … well, anyone else,” Lupin sighed heavily, the sound choked with tears of pain, “Your not panicking are you?” Severus grunted. He knew it was pointless to look for a way out of here but he got up anyway and started prowling along the edge of the slope, “Don’t even think about climbing up there, you’ll get yourself killed,” Lupin was staring at him, wiping his face with his good hand.

“Not that you’d care,” Severus snapped, going around to the other side of the gully they’d ed ied in and pulling on various pieces of foliage to see if they’d hold.

“Of course I’d care!” Lupin’s voice cracked back at him, then a little gentler “Why wouldn’t I care?”

“You have Black and Potter, my death would possibly prey on your tender conscience but it wouldn’t mean all that much to you in the scheme of things,” the branch in his hand came loose and he swore sharply, rubbing his now filthy hands on his black Muggle jeans.

“Sounds like I came along at around the right time. If you think that the death of one of my friends wouldn’t mean anything to me then your sadly mistaken and if it’s a case of not being used to the fact that a friend would be upset over your death then you need to revise the company you keep,” Severus had to admit, he was impressed. Lupin had strung that sentence together while he was in excruciating pain and not only had it made sense but it had been delivered with his usual calm yet faintly admonishing tone.

He walked back over to Lupin, tugging his black jumper tighter around himself, it was an old one, hor, ar, and it provided little warmth. That was what he got for being sentimental. “Perhaps I do,” he sat close to Lupin, the boy looked like he was about to tip over and that wasn’t a good sign.

“Lucius Malfoy isn’t the best person to be friends with, Sev’,” Lupin inched closer to that he was, once again, pressed close to Severus. What was it with him? He had his jacket, did he want to steal his body heat too?

“Lucius Malfoy is not a friend. He is an acquaintance, nothing more,” Severus mentally corrected himself, he was also his dealer. That earned a snort all of it’s own.

Lupin shook his head, “You need friends Severus. You’ve made yourself so unreachable. Why do you bother to keep pushing people away?” Severus gave Lupin an angry shove away from him so that their bodies were no longer touching and Lupin issued a squeak of pain.

“And you need to stop telling me what to do with my life. Stick to ruining your own and leave me to mine,” that earned him a horrible silence. Lupin lowered his head and looked away. It took Severus a few seconds to put his defences back together and draw himself up, “I apologise. That was uncalled for.”

Lupin looked up from behind lowered lashes and Severus realised for the first time how those amber eyes had an almost feral cast to them, “Thank you,” he said, “But your right, I’m good at ruining my owne,” e,” melancholy from Remus Lupin?

“Rubbish. There is nothing wrong with your life,” Severus crossed his arms and leant against the trunk of a tree, prodding a bruise in the process and grimacing.

“Wanna bet?” Lupiinneinned weakly, “You’ve got it all, you know? Money, beautiful home, a family, talent and intelligence. Your attractive, your in a position to have anyone you want. Severus, I’d swap you in an instant.”

Severus’ face took on a dark cast, the hard black eyes leaving no question as to what he was thinking, “Money and family are nothing, I’d be just as happy without them. I’m certainly not a Sirius Black when it comes to aesthetic criteria and …” something hit him and he frowned in a puzzled manner, “How do you know I have a beautiful home?”

Lupin smiled a little shyly, “I passed it once on a trip with my mum and dad. The house keeper let us stay in her cottage because we got caught in a thunderstorm. The manor house is beautiful, Sev’. The grounds are gorgeous too, what I wouldn’t give to explore that forest,” Lupin seemed to be lost in thought for a moment, “Which end is your room in?”

Severus smiled a little, ironically, “The entire left wing is my private quarters. There’s a study, my bedroom obviously, a library, a sitting room and various other places including a workroom for my … hobbies.”

Lupin was gob smacked, “The entire left wing? Gods, that’s like our house,” he immediately flushed and Severus felt a pang of guilt for having made him feel uncomfortable, “For your hobbies? Potions?” he was pleased that Lupin was changing the subject.

“Yes, I can brew whatever I like and keep everything away from prying eyes and sticky fingers,” Lupin’s face lit up.

“Brothers and sisters?”

“No, cousins. My aunt stays with us, she was widowed about three years ago,” Lupin was about to offer his condolences when Severus waved them away, “He was an alcoholic and deserved everything he got. So now I have his brats under my feet,” he scowled, “You’d think after being hit with four or five Thief Spell’s that they’d learn to leave things alone.”

Lupin grinned but he looked decidedly woozy, “How many?

“Three, twin boys of six and an eight year old little witch of a ringleader who goads them into things,” if it was possible his expression darkened further, “Can we change the subject?”

“Painful subject, huh?” Lupin smiled at him but it was obvious that he was still in excruciating pain. Something twigged to Severus and he went rifling through the makeshift sling and into one of his jacket pockets. Matches … narcotics. He used one of the Muggle matches to light the ‘joint’ and handed it over to Lupin. The boy shook his head.

“No thanks, I don’t smoke,” Severus’ expression hardened.

“It will help with the pain. Since your obviously in agony. Bloody take it and stop playing the martyr,” Lupin looked hurt but tentatively took the lit ‘joint’ from Severus. With further prompting he took a deep draw and choked, coughing sharply.

“That’s disgusting!” he yelled, whilst hacking his lungs up, “How can you smoke that?”

“It gets easier, take another draw and try to just breathe in normally,” Severus couldn’t help but chuckling slightly which just seemed to make Lupin worse as he joined in and laughed at himself. Eventually Severus had to rub Lupin’s back until he calmed down a little. Even still, they were both still laughing heartily.

Lupin smiled at him, almost fondly, “You need to laugh more, Sev’,” before Severus could say anything remotely irritable a tremor went through both of them as a heavy gust of wind shot past. He desperately wanted to be able to yell to someone for help but he knew no one would hear him. They were alone and no one would come looking for them until daybreak. So they were going to have to freeze.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Lupin wrapped his good arm around Severus’ waist, pulled himself closer and pressed his chilled skin against his fellow students. “I’m sorry,” he apologised, “But I’m bloody freezing. I wish I’d have brought a jacket.”

Severus scowled into Lupin’s head, which had now been slotted underneath his chin, “I did.”

“Sorry about that too …Gods, recently ahh …” Severus pulled back to see blood streaming from Lupin’s nose. He rooted through his pockets and came out with a cloth handkerchief which was rather old but still basically in tact, “Sorry, sorry …” Lupin took the handkerchief gratefully and held it to his nose, which was now gushing. Severus didn’t know that much about biology but from what he gathered - that was not good.

“We have to get out of here,” Severus said, rubbing Lupin’s arms which were riddled with goose-bumps and inspecting his skin, which had turned a sickly white colour, “Otherwise we’re in big trouble” this was the truth. Severus’ head was spinning in the worst possible way. Lupin looked at him then, face betraying his fear. The blood wasn’t stopping.

“Tilt your head forward and pinch the bridge of your nose,” Severus instructed and then got up, going to the edge of the gully. When one was scared or angry enough it was possible to perform a few simple spells without one’s wand. Severus had practised for such an occasion but he wasn’t looking forward to doing it. The experience was …unpleasant.

The procedure was simple enough. Focus on the subject of one’s fear or anger and say the words of the spell over and over in a chant until the spell was performed. In theory it was simple enough. In practice it was anything but. The magic, without a wand to channel the energy through, would swell inside of the body and the feeling was one of being inside a pressure cooker and having one’s insides squeezed out through the top of one’s head. It was difficult enough to make it work without the fear of what would happen if it did. The worry of the pain was enough to infuse doubt and that, in itself, could stop the entire spell from working.

Severus took a few deep breaths and then braced his hands at his side. He forced all manner of images into his head. Lupin bleeding to death in his arms, himself laying on the ground after the dizziness had claimed him - not able to get up again … the pressure began to build and he whispered the words of the spell over and over again. Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, a huge white beam shot into the air and carved an ‘x’ above their heads, illuminating the area for miles around.

The pressure left him feeling dizzy and drained. He turned, trying to see Lupin but realising that the only thing he could see was a blur of colours and wet tears. The last thing thought that flooded his mind was that he didn’t even get to say goodbye to Lupin, that he didn’t even know if Lupin was going to be all right …