Jaded

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.


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Chapter Five: In the moonlight

(Title from the anime ‘Gravitation’)

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That Wednesday morning Harry woke up with a foreboding feeling. He knew it was full moon tonight, yet he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act. Throughout the day the Marauders had been uncharacteristically quiet and tense but Harry could feel there was an undercurrent of bubbling excitement, which made him uneasy. He knew that the rest of the Marauders were faithful to Remus and would never betray his secret but he still felt it was a little unfair that they were so thrilled about going down to the Forbidden Forest, break nearly every school rule there was, turn to their animal selves and have good time. It was as if Remus was only an afterthought in their plans of fun and it irked Harry. Ever since Remus confided with him about his darkest secret Harry felt closer to the werewolf than ever, since this time he got to know the truth because Remus wanted to tell him not because Hermione was shouting it in the Shrieking Shack when they all thought Sirius was a traitor who was after Harry’s life. This time it was on Remus’ terms and it warmed Harry’s heart that Remus trusted him.

After dinner the five of them headed to the infirmary, but left Remus to walk through the door alone to be escorted to the Shack by Madame Pomfrey. No one at school, staff and students alike knew that Remus’ friends were aware of his situation thus they could not accompany him and stay with him for the last couple of hours before his transformation. Harry had his suspicions that Dumbledore knew of the arrangement, just as he always knew when Harry was wandering about the castle after curfew and turned a blind eye. He knew full well that there was nothing that escaped the old man’s attention; nothing was hidden from him in his little domain.

The four remaining Marauders went back to the common room to await curfew. Harry was on pins and needles most of the day but now it was nearly intolerable. He couldn’t bring himself to concentrate on anything and found himself snapping at anyone who dared turning to him. Eventually he decided to retire for the night as he had little better to do. He climbed to the dorm room slowly, feeling anxiety and fright in each of his bones. The moon had risen nearly an hour ago and he couldn’t help but worry about Remus. Going through the motions of getting ready to bed Harry finally climbed into his four-poster and shut the curtains behind him, not wanting to witness the others come into the room and then leave.

He couldn’t sleep, so he lay there with his eyes open and his muscles pulled tight, straining to hear any odd sound that was coming from outside, even though he logically knew that he won’t be able to hear Remus, not when the Shack was on the other side and out of the grounds and soundproof, but he still imagined he could hear the screams of agony and pain and that broke his heart, knowing that his love was going through such immense pain and there was nothing Harry could do to help.

Soon the room was filled with the soft noises of his dorm mates coming in, it was near curfew and they had to at least appear as if they were going to sleep. Harry rolled over and pushed the pillow over his head, trying to block their inane chattering. Suddenly the curtains around his bed were yanked open and Sirius’ smiling face peered in,

“Hey, Jay, listen- we’re off. We’ll be back at dawn, you watch over the forte, yeah?” Harry nodded tightly, wishing with all his might that he could join the others but knew it was futile to even ask. This was not one of those situations where his invisibility cloak would come in handy- not that he had it with him, though he could borrow it from James, after all… This was way too dangerous and as much as Harry wanted to be there for Remus he knew that if he went out there unprotected and got himself hurt- which was likely to happen since Remus didn’t have the wolfsbane potion than Remus would be very upset and probably hate Harry and that would ruin everything the dark-haired boy had been working for.

When the room was quiet again Harry sighed and rolled to his back, looking at the canopy of his four-poster bed. The moonlight filtering through the window was thin and it caused strange shadows to pool in the folds of the fabric. After staring up for nearly ten minutes Harry couldn’t take it any longer, he jumped out of his bed and started pacing the room. His bare feet were echoing on the wooden floor and made him feel as if he wasn’t alone in the room which was rather creepy. For the first time in the seven years he’d spend in Hogwarts he was alone in his room at night time, completely alone and that frightened him. Harry grabbed his dressing gown and padded softly to the common room, hoping that someone was still there so that he was able to stifle that irrational feeling of dread. However the common room was completely empty and Harry sighed in registration, no luck tonight. He perched himself on the big sofa by the fire and summoned to him a book he saw on the table, not caring what it was about since he knew he couldn’t concentrate anyway, but at least it gave him something to do. He then pointed his wand at the fireplace and ignited the logs back to life in a merry crackle.

Harry leaned back with a sigh and opened the book, which turned out to be “The Hobbit”, and started to read. But he soon realized that Tolkien’s magic wasn’t working on his tonight as his thoughts kept drifting back to Remus and every now and then he discovered that he was simply staring at the page without seeing a thing.

“Having troubles sleeping?” Harry nearly fell to the floor with surprise and looked around widely,

“Lily,” He gasped as he retrieved the book which fell to the floor, “You frightened me.” The Head Girl smiled pleasantly at him and sat herself comfortably on the sofa next to him, pulling her forest green dressing gown around her.

“Sorry.” She said without meaning it, “You’re worried about him aren’t you?” Harry tried to shrug uncaringly; not at all sure he should talk to Lily about this. Mother or no mother, Remus' secret was not his to tell others.

"What do you mean?" Lily rolled her eyes, gods but Harry was the worst liar ever.

"I mean Remus," She said cheerfully, when Harry gave her an incredulous look she huffed, "Oh, come on, I know you fancy him and I know he's a werewolf." When Harry’s eyes opened wide Lily wondered briefly if they might fall out of his head, the thought was both amusing and disturbing to her, “Don’t worry, he told me himself. Without me having to squeeze him for information… much…” Harry tried to smile but felt like his throat was closing, this conversation wasn’t going to lead anywhere good, he could see it already, as clear as a train accident you can’t prevent.

“So, tell me,” Lily leaned back in her seat and folded her legs under her, getting comfortable and looked like she had every intention to stay right where she was, “What would you do if you had Remus right here, right now?” Harry opened and closed his mouth several times, feeling the heat rising to his face, his brain screaming protests.

“I… I’d hold him and protect him and try to keep him safe…” He mumbled, hoping beyond hope that his mother, his own mother would do him the biggest grace and drop the subject!

“Oh, please! No wonder you can’t get him, he’s not into girls silly, didn’t you get that already?”

“Hey!” Harry tried to protest weakly, knowing all too well that his mother has won.

“Let’s try this again,” Lily said, taking a deep breath and piercing the poor boy in front of her with her commanding green eyes. Harry rolled his eyes and looked at her, “What would you do if you had Remus here, remember, we’re talking about the guy you fancy, here and naked?” Harry closed his eyes in pain and decided to plunge in and get it over with, and hey who knows he might gross Lily out into silence- well, one could only hope…

“I’d kiss him and lick and bite my way down to his cock. Then toss him on the floor and ride him like there’s no tomorrow.” He surprised even himself when he even managed to toss in an angelic smile. Luckily this strategy paid off and Lily looked slightly green hearing all this coming out of his mouth,

“Alright, alright,” She cried and tossed her hands in the air, “I get it! No need to go into all this!” Harry, now fully back in his element, leaned back with a satisfied smirk,

“Hey, you asked I answered.” A silence stretched between the two, each absorbed in his or her thoughts for a long moment. Harry gave his mother a sideways glance and decided to ask the question that has been bugging him since he first discovered he was more attracted to boys than girls,

“Lily, can I ask you something?” Lily nodded and rested her cheek on her hand that was perched on the back of the sofa, Harry licked his suddenly dry lips and plunged in, “What would you do if your son came to you and told you that he was gay?”

“Gay and in love with a werewolf?” Harry frowned at her,

“Huh?” Lily picked up the slack quickly, before Harry had too much of a chance to ponder over her words,

“Is he happy, being gay, I mean.”

“I suppose…” Harry answered slowly; the direction the conversation was taking was getting him mainly baffled.

“Than I’m happy too.” Lily stated firmly with a warm smile. Harry felt a huge sigh of relief building inside him; this went rather well, “Ok, now it’s my turn!” Lily exclaimed excitedly, “What’s your name?”

“Jaime…” Harry looked at his mother as if she was something that just fell out of the sky, what sort of a question is that?

“No it isn’t. What’s your real name?” Harry opened his mouth, completely gob smacked, but of course the confudus charm that Dumbledore placed on him prevented him from answering even if he did want to,

“My name?” He stumbled rather pathetically,

“I’ve been able to throw off memory charms since I was fourteen! I know it was you that I saw that night! You and that cute blond you were with…” She added almost dreamily and Harry nearly gagged,

“He is not cute!”

“Yeah, he is,” Lily argued fiercely but at the sight of Harry’s face she decided to drop the subject for the moment, “Dumbledore put a confudus charm on you, hasn’t he?” Harry nodded, his eyes filling with fear. He knew that his mother was far too smart not to figure out things but he was worried what her reaction would be. Lily, on the other hand, looked thoroughly excited, her green eyes twinkling and sparkling and every inch of her stance posed and ready to pounce and attack. “Let’s do it this way- I’ll ask questions and you answer yes or no, you can nod or blink if you feel uncomfortable to speak, you know one blink for yes two for no.” She rubbed her hands gleefully together, “Ok, let’s start… You’re not really an exchange student from Durmstrang, are you?”

“No.” Despite himself Harry was getting caught up in Lily’s enthusiasm,

“When I first saw you, you had on Hogwarts uniform. Are you a student here?”

“Yes.”

“A Gryffindor?”

“Yes.” Lily rubbed her forehead in deep thought,

“Well, when I first saw you I thought you were James. Are you two related?” The closer Lily got to the mark the edgier it made Harry feel and he feared the moment when Lily discovered the truth but on the other hand he couldn’t tear himself away. Some morbid curiosity was keeping him firmly in his place and making him answer Lily’s questions obediently.

“Yes.”

“Ok, you’re related to James… A cousin?” Harry shook his head in amusement. “Not a cousin… This is really exciting!”

“No, it isn’t! Can we please stop?” He pleaded, but Lily wouldn’t budge,

“No! Hmm, let’s see… A Gryffindor, related to James, but not a cousin… Damn, Dumbledore must have changed you eye colour and hair… but I doubt he changed the shape of your eyes… look at me.” She commanded and Harry found himself being scrutinized by a pair of inquisitive green almond shape eyes, so similar to his own…

“Stop squinting!” Lily cried impatiently and Harry felt the need to squint and blink even more than before.

“I’m sorry, you unnerve me!” Harry cried out and felt like a complete idiot, no wonder James could ever utter a full sentence around this girl, she was downright scary!

“Your eyes look very familiar… Where did I see them before?” In the mirror… Harry thought in amusement mixed with dread, “What’s you original eye colour?” Harry clamed his mouth shut, shit! “Oh, sorry, forgot the confudus…” Harry gave a slight smile, glad that Lily came up with an explanation of her own, “Back to yes and no questions, are your eyes green?” Harry’s eyes flew wide open and he gulped, shit, shit and double shit! “Ah- Ha!” Lily cried in triumph and Harry cursed under his breath for being so transparent.

“You look like James and you have my eyes…” Lily mused loudly, finger tapping her chin and Harry wanted to keel over and die- this was so unfair…

“Lily please…” Lily fixed him with a stern gaze, making Harry back away from her on the sofa, almost subconsciously,

“You’re my son, aren’t you? Mine and James.” The panic that was steadily rising in Harry’s chest was finally making its way out, and he gasp in horror. He couldn’t deny it, he didn’t want to- some part of him wanted Lily to know that truth, wanted her to take him in her arms and comfort him, just like she should have done so many times before but never did.

For a long moment the two sat in silence, each absorbing the magnitude of the discovery, Harry was praying forcefully inside that Lily won’t freak out and do something crazy.

“Well,” Lily said with a sigh, “That’s quite unexpected… But… brilliant!” It took Harry a couple of seconds for the words to sink in,

“It is?” He asked tentatively, and Lily nodded vigorously,

“Yeah! At least it means that James will ask me out at some point!”

“Aren’t you completely weirded out?” Harry asked in shock, why wasn’t Lily freaking out? What was wrong with her?

“Oh, yeah, this is totally mind blowing! I’ve got a son who’s my age, gay and in love with a werewolf!”

“You said you were OK with that!” Harry cried out in shock, great, she didn’t care that he was her son but she was going to give him hard time for wanting Remus…

“Just summing things up.” Lily said with a reassuring voice, holding her hands up,

“Lily, you have to keep this a secret, no one, and I mean no one can know of this! Damn, I shouldn’t have told you any of this in the first place…” He lamented softly and Lily gave him a crooked smile,

“You didn’t tell me anything… and don’t worry, I don’t exactly fancy my reputation as the smartest witch in school ruined because people would think I’m a nutter. Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me… Son.” Harry groaned and hid his face in his hands,

“Oh, Merlin, please don’t call me that…” Lily let out a hearty laugh, collapsing against the sofa’s back, she was having the time of her life here, and she knew that the full meaning of the discovery won’t land on her until tomorrow morning… and when it landed it would land like a ton of bricks right on her head! But for the moment she decided to play along and take it all in stride.

“Well, in the spirit of new found family ties, I decided I’m going to help you get Remus.” She told the stunned Harry.

“Why would you do that?” Harry was rather suspicious, not that he had much experience with mothers but he was fairly sure that they were not supposed to help you get your gay crush…

“Because I think you could both benefit from each other and it’s going to be mightily entertaining for me.”

“Oh, brilliant…” Harry muttered.

Harry knew that Lily was bursting with questions about him and his life and her future and Harry was never more thankful to Dumbledore for insisting on putting a confudus charm on him. After a few futile attempts to dig information Lily gave up, knowing that she lost. In a way she was actually happy about it, because deep down she didn’t really want to know what her life was going to be like from now on- as one who never believed in god (regardless of the fact that her mother and father insisted on her going to church every Sunday she was home) and fate she liked to think that she still had some freewill and was still in control of her future, son or no son.

Soon the two of them drifted off to talk of other things, falling back to the easy pattern of friends rather than mother and son. Despite being unable to sleep before Harry felt his eyes slowly dropping close, and when Lily yawned wide he realized how tired he really was. The two scrambled and rearranged themselves more comfortably on the sofa, drifting to the arms of sleep.

And this is how the three Marauders found them several hours later. As soon as the moon sank and Remus returned to his human form his three mates left him sleeping in the Shrieking Shack, as they did every month and made their way back to the Gryffindor common room, exhausted and grinning.

An impatient cough made Harry stir and open his eyes slowly, blinking a little before fixing his glasses back on his nose. As the picture turned clear again he looked to see the Sirius, Peter and James all standing in a row in front of the sofa, looking down at him with arms crossed over their chests. A soft mutter came from his side and Harry looked down to see Lily coming to slowly, only then realizing that they fell asleep cuddled on the sofa. He carefully sat up, feeling the muscles in his neck creaking in protest.

“Hey guys, what’s up? Where’s Remus?” He asked groggily, rubbing sleep from his eyes,

“Sleeping.” Sirius answered curtly, “You two seem rather cosy, hot night, was it?” He added with a smirk,

“Very funny, Black! We were just talking.” Lily answered with a huff. Harry didn’t dare lifting his eyes to see James’ expression. He knew it wasn’t a favourable one.

“Hey, I’m just calling it as I see it.” Sirius shrugged and then gave out a yawn that nearly split his face in half, “Well, I’m off to bed then, coming Pete?” The short boy nodded and followed Sirius out of the common room, yawning just as wide. James stayed where he was, his eyes still fixed on the pair sitting on the sofa.

“Well, I see how this is going.” James said in an icy cold tone, “I shall retire as well if it’s all the same to you.” Lily sighed and rose from the sofa, standing challengingly in front of James. Harry watched with avid eyes as his parents seemed prepared for a heated argument,

“Oh, for pit’s sake James Potter! What the hell crawled up your stag arse and died?” Harry bit the inside of his cheek trying to keep his laughter at bay, as James looked raged at Lily,

“I beg your pardon? I’m sure it’s none of my business who you choose to frolic with.” He said haughtily,

“Frolic?” Lily shrieked with rage, “Frolic? Are you mental? Oh, for the love of Merlin!” She cried and advanced at James who took a step back from the raging redhead in front of him, “I’ve spent seven years watching you stumble and mumble, listening to your illegible gibbering whenever you tired to talk to me and the first time you manage to utter a complete sentence is to tell me that I frolic? With Jaime?” James opened his mouth but no answer came, “There’s a Hogsmede Weekend next week, do you think you can retain this ability to speak in whole sentences long enough to ask me out?” This seemed to cause James to snap out of his shock and he cried out in a rush,

“Lily, would you go out with me next week?”

“YES!” Lily nearly screamed before she turned on her heel and stormed to the girls’ dormitory. Harry watched after her in shock, that was rather unexpected… He slowly turned his gaze to James again, not in the least surprised to see the biggest, goofiest grin on his face,

“Did you see that Jay? I’ve scored a date with Lily…” Harry rose from his seat with a smile. He grabbed James’ arm and started heading towards the dorms,

“Come on lover boy, its way past your bedtime.”