Cloudy Skies and Heartache

Chapter 5





It was an especially cold winter’s morning in England. It had started to snow last night, and the entire countryside was now covered with white, fluffy, fresh snow. It was a beautiful sight, and just in time for Christmas.





However, Remus could not muster up the energy in him to enjoy the sight or even be excited about Christmas.





Sighly quietly to himself, the young werewolf sat curled up in front of the fire rubbing his extended belly gently. He was seven months along now, but he felt like he was ready to pop anytime. Being a male, despite being able to conceive due to the magical properties of his lupine nature, his body was still not made for pregnancy.





His skin felt as though it was stretched taut, and being naturally thin, it felt as though everything he ate went straight to the child. While normal women gained weight all around during their pregnancy, he was constantly losing weight, till it left him with bony, skinny arms and legs and sunken cheeks, but a round belly.





Madam Pomfrey had been really worried about his weight recently, especially after she found out he hadn’t been eating well, as he did not have much money left and so could not afford much. He had survived for awhile on just bread and butter, with a bit of ham thrown in once in awhile. His lack of appetite and the dizziness and morning sickness early on in his pregnancy did not help either.





And so it continued in that manner, till Madam Pomfrey had angrily lectured him two weeks ago when she came with bagfuls of food and stuff, harshly telling him that he was being selfish and not thinking of his unborn child, before he finally snapped out of it and started forcing himself to eat. The very thought of causing harm to his child had his heart clenching tightly in his chest. He could not do that to his child, to Sirius’ child.





However, Remus still felt incredibly bad and self-conscious that he was relying on Madam Pomfrey so often. Not only was she giving him food and caring for him, she had brought over the daughter’s old cribs and unisex clothing for him. As she had seen the situation Remus was in, being unable to work because it had just become too hard to hide his pregnancy as well as hold down a job with his continuous illnesses, she was very sympathetic to the situation the young boy had landed in. Eighteen, pregnant, broke, sick and alone.





Madam Pomfrey always had a soft spot for Remus and would still always fuss over him now. For that, Remus was incredibly grateful to her. Other than his baby, she was all he had left.





After he had started showing, he had pulled away from the rest of his friends. Realising that there was no way he would be able to have the baby and continue seeing his friends without them finding out his secret, he had moved away to the countryside. To a small little town in Yorkshire, where the rent was cheaper and the people few.





Upon first finding out, in his blind panic he had almost ran to James and Lily instinctively. But upon second thought, he knew that should they find out, they would have demanded to know who the other father was, and he could never tell them he had raped Sirius. He could not bear to lose them forever. He had already lost Sirius forever, he could not lose James and Lily too.





A sudden kick in his belly effectively pulled him out of his thoughts wincing. His baby was a kicker, constantly moving and shifting inside of him, and never keeping still. He hadn’t had a good night sleep in months. This definitely was Sirius Black’s fidgety child.





Sirius. It still hurt to think of him, and yet his thoughts would drift to him constantly. Well it was hard not to, especially with his child growing inside of him.





Rubbing his belly soothingly, he spoke quietly to his baby.





‘Hello there little one. Its Christmas Eve already, the last one before you come to this world. I guess that means it will be my last Christmas alone... I miss your other father all the time, but it seems to have gotten worse around Christmas. Maybe because your father used to love Christmas in Hogwarts so much. He always loved Christmas; the snow, the food, the friends he had in Hogwarts and the warm fuzzy feeling it gave you. He only grew to love Christmas in Hogwarts, especially when all the Marauders would stay for Christmas. He would wake me up on Christmas morning jumping excitedly like a puppy on my bed. But that will never be again...’





His breath hitching slightly now, he took a deep breath and grabbed a few tissues to swipe at his tears before continuing quietly to talk to his baby inside of him.





‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I’ll be bringing you into this world without another parent. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell him I was pregnant, and so he doesn’t even know of your existence. I was afraid. So afraid. He had not told anyone of what had happened between the two of us and he still hates me for it. The look of disgust on his face. I can’t bear to see it again. And then to tell him I was carrying his child from that wretched act I committed, I don’t think he could ever forgive me. We’re just eighteen and still so young, and he is Sirius Black after all, why should he want to be tied down by a baby now.’





‘I know you were conceived because of my heinous act, but I love you already. I loved your father, so much, and I still do and will always do. In my heart, you were conceived out of love, my love for him. And I never want you to feel the pain and shame of Sirius’ hatred and disgust. I know it might be selfish of me, by not telling him about you and running away and hiding like this, but I don’t ever want you to be hurt my baby. I will protect you with all I have, love you with all my heart. Its better this way, he won’t be tied down by a werewolf and his child, and I can keep protecting you...’





Remus whispered the last part, half to his baby, and half to himself. He constantly thought of what the future might be with his child, what he would say to him or her one day should he or she wish to know about his other parent. He did not know. He really did not know.





But Remus knew for sure that he loved his baby. The thought of aborting his child never once crossed his mind. This was Sirius and his child, he could never kill their child. He would never have Sirius, would never see the boy he so dearly loved, and most definitely not have a Sirius that loved him. And the knowledge of that hurt, it hurt so badly sometimes that he wanted to die. But now that he had his baby, he could get through it, he had to.





He would be strong for his child. That was all he could do now. He had to look to the future, and get ready to welcome his child.





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Hello hello! Sorry I haven’t updated in ages! Just finished my exams recently, so only just found time today to add this new chapter. Promise I’ll make them longer and update more often now! Haha. I’m looking forward to expanding this story (: Really enjoy writing about Sirius and Remus. Please do review! Though I don’t reply all the time doesn’t mean I don’t read them. They make my day and make me want to write more :p hehee. So please do drop me a note. Thank you for reading! xxx