Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die

**Please do not comment on how I write. It's simple. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. If there are mistakes however, you are more than welcome to point those out. This is Harry/Snape and will get dirty at some point, so please be patient.**


Italics = Harry's writing


CHAPTER FIVE: SOMETHING SACRED


Start a new day

But not alone

I’m gonna break

Away from this broken heart


Broken Heart ~ The Rasmus

Harry sat across from his friends, smiling at them eerily. Ron was standing at him in shock, while Hermione seemed lost in her thoughts, as if she was calculating if his story was possible. Once Remus had explained everything on Harry’s behalf, both him and Sirius then left the room, leaving the Golden Tri alone. For the longest time, they sat there, staring at each other. Finally, when it seemed Ron was going to say something, Fred and George Apparated into the room.


“Mum said,” Fred started.


“Dinner’s ready.”


“So you lot.”


“Better get."


"Downstairs," they finished in unison.


Harry was up in an instant and hugged them both. The twins held up their arms, uncomfortable with the sudden touching, before starting to pry him off. Once Harry let go, they quickly Apparated away with a loud crack. The three friends left the room, and came to the dinner table and Harry saw Ginny. Moving to give her a hug, he pulled away after a minute, patting her head in a brotherly way, to try and discourage any thoughts she might have of him.


Although Harry should have been surprised that Snape stayed for dinner, he wasn’t. He wouldn’t put it past Hermione to tell the teacher about his alcohol problem. The older man could have let the others take care of it tonight, but the professor didn’t trust Sirius, and Remus let the Black get away with just about anything. Dinner was the most wonderful thing he’d eaten in two years, and Harry showed his appreciation to Mrs. Weasley by hugging her. Leaving when Sirius motioned to him, Harry followed the animagus into the room with the family tree plastered on the wall. Sirius stood there for a long time, silent, and Harry couldn’t speak anyway so he merely watched his godfather.


“How did the locket get into Grimmauld? You know, don’t you?” Sirius asked, looking at Harry.


Without letting his emotions betray him, Harry pointed to the non-moving Regulus portrait.


“Did You-Know-Who give it to him to keep safe?” Sirius asked.


Harry heaved a soundless sigh, pulling out the parchment and enchanted quill he had found in the bag Hermione had packed.


“No, Regulus betrayed Voldemort in the end, taking the locket from Voldemort's hiding place. In the end it’s what killed him, not even Voldemort would drink what he put in the bowl to protect it. He even got someone to drink it the first time around to put the locket in it, otherwise it would have hurt him.”


Sirius looked back up at the family tree. After, a long moment he raised a borrowed wand, Remus’ probably, and blasted Regulus’ picture off of the tree, making him match all the others who hadn’t followed down the dark path.


“So who did Voldemort get to drink it the first time around?” Sirius asked.


Harry didn’t answer except a wave of his had in Kreacher’s direction. Sirius groaned and ran fingers through his long black hair.


“I’ve been horrible to him all this time. How am I supposed to make it up to him?” Sirius moaned.


“Give him something of Regulus’, except clothing of course, and his room, then tell him that you didn’t know of Regulus’ sacrifice. It worked for me.”


Sirius looked at him sharply. “If Kreacher did something like that, then it must mean that I died, doesn’t it?”


Harry averted his eyes away from the pale blue glow of Sirius’ magic aura and shuffled nervously.


“Pup, I’m sorry, I don’t want to leave you, so let’s try our hardest to avoid that situation,” Sirius pulled him into a hug. “At least you still had Moony.”


Harry turned his head this time, staring at a suddenly interesting hole in the floorboard, trying not to cry.


“Damn, I’m really sorry, pup. I swear we’ll change it. That’s why you’re here isn’t it?” Sirius said, kicking himself mentally.


Nodding his head, Harry showed that all was okay. He needed to be reminded why he had come back here in the first place. Snape appeared in the doorway, arms crossed, a scowl on his face.


“Madam Pomfrey is here to examine you. We have to make sure you are healthy after traveling through the rip in time,” Snape informed before stalking off.


Harry followed after him into the living room, sitting down on the couch. Madam Pomfrey seemed surprised at the condition of his appearance and gently inspected him.


“Where are your glasses, Mr. Potter?” Madam Pomfrey asked.


“I had my eyes fixed. The right one is like a normal eye, but the left only sees blurry shapes and colors. Yours is light yellow.”


“Well, it seems to have magic sight. You know that your eye can never be the same, even if you succeed in your mission?” Madam Pomfrey asked quietly.


He nodded. It was okay that the left eye couldn’t be fixed. In fact, he kind of liked it that way; it helped him know who was trustworthy and who wasn’t.


“Now about your throat, I’ll have to do a magic scan,” With a nod of Harry’s consent, she began.
When it was finished, she opened her eyes.


“I think it can be fixed, not completely, but enough so you could speak a little, although it may take years and several treatments. Do you want to?”


“Can I...can I think about it?”


“Of course, just don’t wait too long. It could become permanent. Other than the usual things I treat him for every year, and the obvious he’s perfectly fine,” Madam Pomfrey smiled at him, followed by a pat on the head.


She leaned down and wrote on a piece of paper and Harry looked at her questioningly.


“It’s a form, allowing you to use a certain spell, this way you won’t have to parchment and quill on hand. It let’s you write the words in the air with your wand. I could show you if you’d like,” Madam Pomfrey explained.


Harry shook his head before writing an explanation. “I already know how to do that. Your future self showed me after I was cursed. It will be easier when I can do that again, thank you.”


She looked at him kindly, and gave him a proud smile. “Well then, I’ll finish filling this out and hand it into the Ministry,” with that she left.


Harry suddenly remembered something that was missing from this time. Scribbling what he was thinking, he handed the parchment to Sirius when finished. “Is all of my stuff still at the Dursley’s? Hedwig’s there! We should get her at least. They don’t like her!”


“All right, we’ll send someone to get her. Calm down, Harry,” Sirius said when his godson started to panic.


Harry refused to sleep until Hedwig was back with him, and so midnight found him sitting in the living room, staring into the fire, longing for a bottle of Firewhiskey. Snape sat across the room, the faint sound of scratching told him that the teacher was writing.


“You do know that I only accept the best O.W.L.s for my class if you wish to continue next year,” Snape’s voice broke the silence.


“It won’t matter, you won’t be teaching Potions next year. Slughorn will. You’ll be teaching Defense. Although this year that class will be horrible.”


“Why do you say that, Albus hasn’t even picked out a teacher yet,” Snape said.


“The Ministry will send one. They’re being sneaky in their attempts of watching Dumbledore.”


“Hmm…I see,” Snape was still for a long moment, “Ms. Granger said that your mind was touched by the Dark Lord’s, what did she mean?”


Mismatched eyes found dark ones. “When he tried to kill me as a baby, something happened. He put a bit of his soul in me, giving me some of his traits. One we know is the ability to speak Parsletongue, and another is when I sleep, I often see what he sees. In my 5th year, when he discovered that we were connected that way, he used it against me. Voldemort sent me a false image, and I believed it, and me and five other students went to get the Prophecy, that led to an all-out battle. Good vs. evil. He also tried to use me to kill Dumbledore, but he fled when my mind proved stronger than his, filled with something he never had, and could never understand. Love and friendship,” Harry’s words filled out the rest of the parchment he’d been writing on all day.


“There is a way to stop him. Albus could teach you to block your mind from him. I can do it, so it should be easy for someone like you, Potter,” He sneered.


“You tried to teach me shortly before Christmas, when I saw Mr. Weasley attacked in my sleep and Dumbledore continuously ignored me. It was not successful; there was just too much hatred between the two of us. I know that I look a lot like my father, but I’m not him. I will never get to know him; I also know that James and Sirius picked on you relentlessly, while Remus and Pettigrew did nothing to stop it. But you must realize that I am not like him, I never will be, so stop comparing me to him. I only try to defend myself from bullies like Malfoy and Dudley. You’re an adult wizard, curse Sirius if there’s reason to, or even be the bigger person and just walk away from him,” Before Snape could lift his eyes to stare at him, Harry left the room, in favor of the kitchen, where Mr. Weasley was talking quietly to his wife.


When they saw him, the fell quiet, and Harry knew that they had been discussing him. The boy sat down at the table, slumping his head onto his folded arms, resting on the wood.


“Can I get you something, Harry dear?” Mrs. Weasley asked.


Bitter laughter floated through his head. ‘Yeah, a stiff drink or two,’ He thought wryly. Without lifting his head, Harry shook it, indicating that there wasn’t anything he could get from them. It was only because of his left eye, that saw magic auras even when they were closed, that he noticed them leaving. Abandoning him to his sinister thoughts.


It was nearly three in the morning when the group sent out, to fetch his stuff, returned with Hedwig and his trunk. Tonks was there, handing him the empty cage.


“Apparently, according to Mrs. Figg, dementors attacked Little Whinging. That’s when you disappeared, while your soul was being sucked out of your body. The boy you were with is fine,” Tonks said as she watched the emotions cross his face.


‘Well, at least I won’t have to go to trial this time around,’ Even to him, Harry’s thoughts sounded sarcastic. Leaving the room with Hedwig, who had flown in a window, now perched on his shoulder, he made his was up to the attic where Buckbeak was tethered. Harry finished the night there, knowing that he would not sleep well anyway.


______________________________


September 1st

Harry sat, getting to the train early for once, staring out the window of the compartment the trio had managed to get. This time around, Ginny had gone to find some of her 4th year friends, and Neville had yet to show up. Ron and Hermione had to leave for the Prefect meeting, leaving him alone in the car. When Luna entered, Harry gave her a smile, which she returned, obviously taking it as an invitation to sit with him. With her Quibbler magazine in hand, she sat down across from him, checking to look around the small space for something invisible. ‘Probably nargles,’ Harry thought, his thoughts amused. Satisfied, she disappeared behind the paper. Shortly after she flipped the paper upside down, Ron and Hermione came back, arguing like usual. Instead of trying to break them up, Harry leaned back and watched the scene he hadn’t the pleasure of witnessing for two years. The war had left them all changed, and they were no exception.


It was at that point when Malfoy and his goons appeared in the doorway, come to start the first fight of the year. Harry did not speak as Draco stared at him before speaking.


“What happened to your face, Potter? Thought the death of Diggory wasn’t enough to boost your fame this year, so you had to mutilate your face?” Malfoy mocked.


“Shut up, Malfoy,” Hermione said, sharply.


“I seemed to have touched a nerve,” said Malfoy, smirking. “Well, do try not to cut yourself, Potter. We wouldn’t your lying blood all over the school.”


Unfortunately for him, Snape loomed behind them, taking the train with them this year, to watch over Harry.


“Mr. Malfoy, I suggest you leave Mr. Potter and his friends alone and find your seats before I start handing out detentions and deducting points. Yes, from my own house. I will not tolerate petty fights this year,” and with that Malfoy and his gang was gone. “Mr. Potter, if you expect to pass my class this year, you will need extra tutoring. My classroom, Wednesday and Friday, 7 o’clock. Don’t be late. I have better things to do than wait for a student who doesn’t plan on showing up.” A swish of a black cloak and he was gone, down the hallway, yelling at other students.

___________________


Preview of Chapter Six: Poisoned Your Mind

When the boy swayed with the spinning of the room, Snape lifted him into his arms, leaving the kitchen. Harry put his cheek against the radiating heat of the professor’s chest, snaking his arms around Snape’s neck, one hand curling in the hair at the back of ‘his’, supposedly greasy, potions master’s head.


Relishing the steady heartbeat under his ear, Harry closed his eyes, not even realizing when he slipped into the realm of sleepy oblivion.