Back To Me

Finding a Groove

Hermione straightened her robes again as she stood before the front door to the home she and Ron had shared for the last twelve years. She felt the hot flush of guilt in her cheeks as she raised a shaky hand to open the door. She was not feeling the guilt of betrayal, no, the guilt she felt was at the memory of the hurt look in Severus’ eyes when she told him she had to go. After all, she couldn’t stay in his arms forever. She did have a husband and daughter at home who would be worrying about her should she have stayed much longer.


She fought back tears at the thought of his face. His face had begged her to stay, though his mouth stayed closed. His life over the last seventeen years had been exciting in her estimation. Not everyone had the pleasure of being able to say they traveled the world adventuring and be honest about it. Still, Hermione noticed that his voice sounded hollow when he told her of his travels. It sounded as though for all the precious flowers and gems in the world, he had been lacking something.


What that something was she could not say exactly, but her heart desperately hoped it had been her. She shook away these thoughts as Ron greeted her from their modest kitchen.


“Hello, dear, how was your day?” he asked her, dropping a light kiss on her cheek.


His lips felt foreign and out of place upon the soft flesh of her cheek. She forced a smile.


“It was fine, Darling, and yours?”


“It was bloody murder,” Ron said, and proceeded to launch into a longwinded explanation of the pitfalls of being an auror in an understaffed department.


Hermione chopped vegetables the muggle way for the pork roast, and nodded along with Ron, pretending to listen. Her mind was back in Severus’ office, wrapped around his lean body. She tried to shove the thoughts aside.


“Where’s Rose?” she asked him, trying to focus on something besides the velvety purr of Severus’ voice.


“Oh, didn’t she tell you?” Ron asked, looking truly surprised.


“No,” Hermione said, giving a perplexed look.


“She’s out on a date, and you won’t believe who with,” Ron said, his ears going pink.


“Who?” Hermione said, dreading the answer.


“Scorpius Malfoy,” Ron said, rolling his eyes. “I told her the bloody Malfoys are nothing but trouble, but she said she was going out with him and that was that. Dad’s going to have a stroke when he finds out.”


“Well then perhaps we ought to keep it to ourselves for the time being,” Hermione said, returning to the vegetables.


“Still, I can’t believe she would go for a Slytherin. I can’t believe any Weasley would ever go for a Slytherin,” Ron said, taking a bite of a buttered roll.


Hermione’s face reddened. She turned and dumped the vegetables into the pot with the pork so that Ron would not see her discomfort.


“Perhaps not all Slytherins are loathsome,” Hermione said, putting the pot into the oven.


“Yeah, I’d like to see you name one,” Ron snorted.


Hermione flushed.


Ron’s face went red with realization.


“Contrary to what you thought, he was the most loathsome of them all, including You-Know-Who himself,” Ron said, setting the roll on the counter.


Suddenly he didn’t feel much like eating.


“I uh,” he began clearing his throat. “I told some of the guys from work I would have a Firewhisky with them tonight. Just put the leftovers in the cooler,” he said, looking for the world as if he had just been slapped.


Hermione stared at his retreating form. She hadn’t meant to bring up Severus, even if so subtly. She knew it always had been and always would be a very delicate subject where Ron was concerned.


Hermione finished cooking dinner in a trance like state. She couldn’t believe how she had mucked things up already. If she had known he was just going to storm out so soon after she came home, she mightn’t have bothered returning at all.


Don’t think like that, she warned herself. He is still your husband, and you still have a child together.


Only, Rose wasn’t really a child anymore, was she? She was already taking apparation lessons, and would be of age quite soon. Still, Hermione could not help but feel a sense of obligation to the man with whom she had shared nearly two decades of her life.


Hermione wrapped up the entire dinner and placed it gently in the cooler. She didn’t really feel like eating either. She felt like taking a hot bath.


As she sat on the cool rim of the tub, waiting for it to fill, her thoughts wandered back to Severus. How could it be that after all these years, they still had such a fire between them? How could it be that after all this time, when he touched her, the memories just flooded back as if they had occurred mere moments before, rather than long, lonely years? Was it possible to think that he could still love her, too? That his passion was ignited by something deeper, something much more intense than a physical attraction?


She tried to force away the thoughts, chalking it up to silly fantasy. After all, what good did it do to hope for that which you know you may never have? She had made her bed, and while she could see many sticky fumblings, and clandestine trysts in their future, she couldn’t allow herself to long for what she truly wanted: all of him. She wanted to wake up next to him, and feel his scratchy stubble on her cheek in the morning. She wanted to fight over the prophet with him and take hot bubble baths with him.


She knew she did not deserve a second chance with him, and besides, what of her family? They needed her to stay here. But did they really need her? What good was it doing anyone to live a lie? She immersed herself into the hot steamy water, trying to drown out silly thoughts of the happily ever after she knew she could never have.


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Hermione rolled over lazily and watched as Severus slept. If for only a few moments, she allowed herself to pretend that this was how it always was. That she practically lived in his arms. This fantasy made her reality seem less desolate, and it got her through the lonelier nights, when she lay next to Ron, rather than here, with Severus.

The last few weeks had been the first time in nearly twenty years she had been truly happy. They had built up a routine of sorts. She came here three times a week, more if she could manage it, and she always had to make sure she was home by six-thirty, to freshen up and have dinner ready before Ron came home at seven.


She had told Rose that she’d formed a book club with some of the ladies in the neighborhood, which was her excuse for being home so late. Rose didn’t complain, because while her mother was at her “meetings,” she was having little meetings of her own with a certain Slytherin named Scorpius.


Hermione had become rather thankful really, that her daughter was a teenager with raging hormones. It gave her opportunity to come and go without having too many questions asked, as she allowed the same of her daughter.


She checked her watch. It was almost six o’ clock. It was time to wake up from the dream and get back to her family. She crept out of bed and began to dress slowly. She certainly didn’t want her time with Severus to end, but she knew she couldn’t stay here forever.


“You can, you know,” Severus’ voice interrupted her.


“I can what?” Hermione asked him, puzzled.


“You can stay here forever, if you want to,” he said, eyes burning into hers.


“You know I can’t,” Hermione said quietly.


“I want you to,” Severus told her sincerely, his voice catching in his throat.


The last time he had left himself this exposed to her, she had broken his heart.


Hermione’s eyes swept over his lean, tanned frame, considering his words. Excitement filled her belly at the thought that he really did want her, the thought that he loved her, too.


“How could you love me after what I did to you,” she asked him, tears beginning to form.


“Just like this,” he said, taking her hand in his.


“I can’t,” Hermione said, feeling a warm tear escape down her cheek.


“Then I will settle for this, for now,” Severus said, masking the pain behind his black eyes.


He was not foolish enough to let her go again, and if that meant he could only have her this way then so be it.


She kissed him deeply before leaving the room, and quickly, for they both knew if she hesitated, she might just stay.


Severus watched after her, forlorn. He mightn’t let her go, but he would be damned if he was just going to sit back and do nothing.


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