Every Second of My Life

A/N: Yes, we all know what's coming next. *sigh*

This has gone completely crazy. It started out as a "Lupin loved Lily, and now he struggles with loving Tonks" story, and now it's some kind of narrative of his life starting with the fifth book.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews, and thanks for sticking with it, even if it's spinning out of control here.

~~~


Oh, that we had waited for Dumbledore, that we had somehow convinced Sirius to stay behind.

But I knew, later, that Sirius would never have consented to stay. Had he known for certain how the night would end, he would have still gone, still protected Harry until his dying breath.

We burst into the Ministry, Sirius, Moody, Tonks, Kingsley, and myself, running through the eerily deserted foyer and down the elevators into the Department of Mysteries.

The Hall of Prophecy was in shambles, and it was empty, shattered glass crunching underfoot as we hurriedly searched. Suddenly, an incomprehensible scream and a flash of light flew through the doorway we’d left open to the circular room.

We arrived just in time to see another door slam, and the five of us converged upon it, pouring through the doorway into a massive room, centered on a large, veiled arch.

I saw Bellatrix curse Tonks, and tried to retaliate in kind, but my way was blocked by another Death Eater, and I was forced to watch Tonk’s suddenly frail body tumble down the steps.

As nonviolent as I am, when I am in my right human mind, somehow it felt good to fight these people, as I’d done a few times before Voldemort’s fall. I was terrified to admit that it felt almost…refreshing…to avenge myself against those who had themselves caused so much pain.

But it was to be short lived.

My wand and whatever skill I possessed were useless to stop Bellatrix Lestrange from sending that curse at Sirius.

I was useless to stop Sirius from falling back into that veil; fall and never emerge from the other side.

My only function, it seemed, was to grab Harry around his chest with both arms, as he struggled and screamed for his godfather. Truth be told, although I was the one holding him back, it was Harry that kept me from following Sirius.

I knew he was gone, and I told Harry so, almost cruelly, it seemed to me. It was as much to convince myself as the boy, and when he finally stopped struggling against me, with a strength I wouldn’t have expected from such a thinly built young man, I kept my hold on his arm. It was as much a comfort to me as it was a precautionary measure for his safety. James, Lily, and now Sirius, they were all gone now, and Harry was all that remained…

I knew Dumbledore showed up, but it barely registered. Harry suddenly pulled away from my grip; he was gone before I realized.

Whatever happened afterwards, I don’t remember. I stood there, watching the veil flutter. The fight seemed to be over, at least in that room. Finally, Kingsley rushed over to me, knocking me in the arm, trying to get me out of what probably looked like a Petrificus Totalus.

“Remus, come on!” he was yelling in my face, and I realized that he knew I hadn’t been hit, that he was trying to distract me, “We’ve got to go find the kids, there’s four others besides Harry and the Longbottom boy!”

I allowed myself to rip away from the veil, and follow Kingsley through the circular room again to find the other children.

Were they still children, having faced down the same enemies as their parents, and come out alive?

I was stuck by Neville, in particular, who helped me lift an unconscious Hermione. I’d fixed his broken nose, but his face was still covered with blood, and I could only see bare vestiges of that nervous little boy I’d taught to defeat boggarts at the age of thirteen.

We set the poor girl down gently in the main hall before the elevators, and I stood up shakily, “Thanks, Frank,” I said, my complete and barely controlled shock confusing him for a moment with his father. It took me a moment to realize what I’d said that caused the strange look of mixed pride and surprise cross Neville’s face, and by that time he’d already gone back to help Luna Lovegood carry a hobbling Ginny into the hall.

I could not, however, dwell on it. Kingsley had reappeared, pulling an extremely disoriented Ron along with him. I managed a hover spell for Hermione, and we made our way back to the foyer.

~~~

The sun that rose on that day was a mockery of all that had happened.

I had not slept. I followed Kingsley around, helping him in whatever he was doing.

We took the children back to the Hogwarts hospital wing.

We made sure Tonks was doing well in St. Mungo’s, and I came close to breaking down crying as I looked at her, unconscious. Her hair was mousey brown, though still short, and she looked horribly pale.

We went back to Hogwarts at Dumbledore’s call. He wanted a meeting. His office was a terrible mess, but he offered no explanation as the Order gathered.

He spoke of Harry’s connection to Voldemort, how the Ministry had been forced into awareness of his return. He went on to say that Grimmauld Place might have passed from Sirius to Bellatrix, his oldest and closest living relative, even though he’d left everything to Harry in his will.

Dumbledore explained why Harry must continue to live with his Muggle aunt and uncle until his seventeenth birthday.

He stopped speaking, and looked down at his folded hands.

“Things, I fear,” he said, in a low whisper, “will get far worse, before the end.”

And with that, we were dismissed.

I followed Kingsley again, and he took me to his flat in London. He made me a bed on his sofa, and told me that he had to get to the Ministry, but that I was to stay and sleep.

Initially, I expected to leave the moment after he did, but the call to sleep was far too strong, and I descended into a gray nothingness.

~~~~

I did not stay at Kingsley’s for long. I made contact again with the werewolf I’d been forced to obliviate, and managed to convince him to bring me to his pack.

Pack – I am more than sickened to use that word, even know. To think that these people would subscribe to the lie that we are nothing more than animals, to live as such, subsisting off of hunted meat and camping in deserted forests.

But I digress. And this digression has very little to do with my story.

Suffice to say that there were quite a few who were willing to listen as I told them that Dumbledore was different than the Ministry, which they had come to mistrust so greatly. There were more who were willing to listen when I told them that Voldemort would only use them as sub-human servants, they would never be real Death Eaters, never see any sort of power.

By the end of my stay with that particular group, I’d managed to convince them to stay neutral, should Voldemort come calling, at the very least. Having been near the bottom rung of Wizarding society almost their entire lives, they had come to loathe being used, and neutrality was, in my opinion, an excellent start.

I went back to London a week before Harry’s birthday, to meet with Order members and meet an ‘associate’ of the man who had helped me gain access to the first pack, in hopes of being accepted into another.

Throughout all of this, I’d managed to let Sirius’ death sink into my mind, so that the thought wasn’t as shocking, it was more like a dull ache, that I’d never see him again, never hear him bitch and moan about trivial things, never get roaring drunk with him.

What stuck with me, though, were his words that cold winter’s night, when he’d told me to be happy, to find someone. He made me promise, though I didn’t, and he hadn’t noticed, being wasted and all.

Oh, and Tonks. Hardly a moment went by when I didn’t think of Tonks.

We had met Harry coming off the train for his summer holiday, and she had looked like she wanted to approach me again, but decided against it.

She looked so…young…young and fresh, with her hair short and pink again, a rock band tee-shirt on, her denim pants and sandals. It was almost painful to look at her.

So she had filled my thoughts during my sojourn into the near-anarchy that was werewolf society.

And, of course, I was not a day back, when I literally ran into her while on my way out of Mad-Eye’s.

I put out my hand to help her up, and she stood, sweeping the dust and dirt off her robes.

“W-wotcher…Remus,” she said, softy, and hesitated, “Been back long?”

“No, actually…took a train in late this morning…” I plowed on, trying not to give her an opportunity, “I … erm… had to come see Mad-Eye about…”

“Remus, wait!” she interrupted, closing her eyes, “Look, if I don’t get this out now, I never will!”

Stunned by the force of her words, I abruptly stopped talking and fidgeted my hands in the pockets of my robes.

“Look…”she started, taking deep breaths, “I…I’m sorry I didn’t realize before…that you…and Sirius…”

She pushed on at the look of confusion on my face.
“I mean, I kept asking you, didn’t I? And it should have been obvious, you were living together and everything…and to think I asked Sirius…and I’m sorry…”

I didn’t know what to say. For the first time since Sirius’ death, I was shocked into silence.

She thinks…Sirius and I… were… together ?

I burst out laughing.

Her blue eyes went wide, as I tried to explain, “No…Tonks…we weren’t together… We are…were… both quite straight…”

Poor girl. She looked quite embarrassed.

“Well, there was that time, fifth year, when our dorm was empty and we weren’t terribly secure yet…”

I’d said it to make her feel better, but she only looked flustered as to whether or not it was true.

But her fluster changed rapidly, “I…see. I did ask…Sirius if you…might go out with me…and he said ‘if you can get his subborn ass to come around…” I simultaneously winced and laughed at Sirius’ vulgarity that had confused her. And again, she hesitated, “Then…then why…why did you continue to… refuse me?”

I swallowed hard, and looked around the street, hoping someone would jump out of the bushes and rescue me.

“Is it…” she whispered, “Is it because you’re a werewolf?”

“Yes!” I almost shouted, making Tonks jump, “It’s because I’m a werewolf! It’s because I’m poor as dirt! It’s because I’m thirteen years older than you!”

She blinked at me, “Is that all?”

I swallowed hard. She didn’t understand, and I told her so.

“The answer is no, Tonks!” I said, more forcefully than I had intended, and turned to walk away. I gripped my arms hard to keep the tears from coming. It seemed I had been doing a lot of that lately.