Some things are worth waiting for

Chapter 5: Memories and hard decisions – part 1

John sat on the bed in his room, a small wooden box lying on the comforter in front of him. He stared at it, trying to gather up the courage to finally open it. In the box were the things he had had with him when he'd been brought to the hospital on that day. It wasn’t much, only a small pocket watch, two empty vials which were – given the state his clothes had been in – surprisingly enough still intact and…his wand.

Emily insisted it was a wand and he had to call it by the right name. He had refused at first, thinking she was completely crazy to believe in something like magic and wizards, but Emily had just given him a small smile and asked him if she had ever lied to him. John had to admit that she had not; from the moment John had been able to talk to her and Greg, she had always answered his questions truthfully. And there had been a lot of questions in the beginning. The most urgent had been, “Why are you doing this for me?”

Emily had answered, even though the answer had brought back painful memories – John could see it in her eyes. She had talked about her only son, Oliver, who had been at the intensive care unit as well, when John was brought into the room next to him. She talked about how Oliver had fought for his life – and eventually lost. She told him how she spoke with a young nurse she had befriended and found out that John was fighting for his life as well, but no-one was there to be with him. Emily talked about how she and Greg began to visit with John as well as Oliver, hoping that, should he be able to recognize anything at all in his comatose state, John would not feel alone. She and Greg had continued visiting him, even after Oliver had died.

When it was clear that John would survive, but would get only the most basic medical treatment, Emily and Greg decided that they would speak up and ensure that John got everything he needed. They were wealthy and Oliver had been their only child, so if their money could help someone in need, they decided that it was worth it, and that Oliver would have agreed.

John was quick to realise that Emily’s big heart and generous nature was the reason why he was in the condition he was in now. She and Greg treated him like their own son and he had had the best treatment he could have wished for.

So, who was he to question Emily if she insisted magic was real? Who was he to doubt she really was something she had called a “Squib” – a non magical person born to wizarding parents? Who was he to question her indeed…

Scolding himself for stalling, John gathered all his courage, opened the wooden box and took the wand in his hand.

For a second, nothing at all happened, but when he curled his fingers around the smooth wood more tightly, the wand in his hand began to vibrate just the tiniest bit. Startled, John dropped it on the bed.

This couldn’t be happening, that was just…impossible, wasn’t it?

Carefully, John picked the wand up again and this time he didn’t let go even when the wood began to slightly vibrate and warm in his hand. It was like the wand needed to get familiar with him again. Just when John thought that this felt somehow familiar a searing pain shot through his head again. Pieces of a conversation floated through his mind. ’Foolish wand-waving…bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death…’ Flashes of images were dancing in front of his eyes. There were stone walls and…cauldrons?

Just before John thought he’d pass out because of the pain, it stopped. Once again he felt dizzy and disoriented, but in a strange way also calm and collected. He knew now that he would get his memories back for sure, and with Emily's help it might be sooner than he ever imagined.

ooOoo

Harry watched Nathaniel’s peaceful sleep for a few moments longer, before putting up the monitoring charms again and heading for the kitchen.

It was two days until his son’s birthday and everything was planned out already. Hermione would come over in the morning, and later John, Nathaniel and he would go to the zoo. There would be cake and candles, ice-cream and balloons. Everything Harry hadn’t had when he was young. It was going to be so much fun…

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. Cursing under his breath Harry hoped whoever was at the door had not woken Nate with the noise. He opened the front door and was surprised to see John standing in the doorway. They hadn’t planned on meeting today and John had never before shown up without calling first.

Curious what might have brought John to his home, he greeted his friend and opened the door wider to let him in.

John passed him, stepping into the hall while reaching for the bag he carried. “I’ve brought you the photos we took last week.” He said, looking up just in time to see Jim throw a worried glance at Nathaniel’s mostly closed bedroom door. If the alarm went of now, Jim had no way of explaining this. He needed an excuse to go to Nathaniel’s room and take down the monitoring charm, before his son really woke.

“What’s the matter?” John asked, looking at Jim expectantly.

“I think I heard something from Nate’s room. The baby speaker is broken and you might have woken him with the door bell. I’d better check on him real quick, alright?” Jim asked nervously. Of course he already knew Nate was still asleep, the charm made sure of that, but it was a good excuse to enter the room and take down the charm.

“Oh, Jim I’m sorry. I didn’t pay attention to the time. I didn’t even think about the possibility that I could wake him,” John said, looking guilty.

Before Jim could react, John had crossed the floor in two long strides and had silently pushed the nursery door open. Careful not to make any sound, John approached the cot Nate was lying in, Jim right on his heels. Damn, he had hoped John would let him go in alone. Now he’d have to take the charm down wordlessly and his wordless magic was even more rusty than his wandless magic.

Jim watched as John stepped even closer to the bed, watching Nate carefully. For a second, Jim wished this was Severus looking down at their child lovingly. If he tried hard enough, he could make himself believe this was Severus.

Then John turned around and mouthed ‘still asleep’, bursting the fantasy about Severus. Suppressing a disappointed sigh, Jim concentrated on the monitoring charm, pushing his magic out to it wordlessly to take it down. Somewhat out of practise, the burst of magic that Jim sent out to take down the charm was strong, in fact a lot stronger than he had intended. When it passed John, something strange happened. For a moment there was an intense flash of magical energy coming from John, magic that reacted with Jim’s magic. But in the next instant, it was gone.

Jim blanched. This couldn’t be happening. That was completely impossible. Muggles didn’t react that way to magic, that was just not possible. And that magic… Jim felt the room around him beginning to spin. That magical energy, short lived as it had been, was as clear as a neon sign to him. There was no doubt about the fact hat he had just felt Severus’ magic.

ooOoo

Hermione Weasley looked up surprised when her fireplace flared and a moment later a letter appeared in the green flames. She got up to retrieve it, wondering why Harry might have chosen this form of communication – it was fast, but not overly secure, so they barely used it at all.

When she opened the letter and read the short note, a sense of dread washed over her. There were only a few words on this parchment, but even in them she could sense the panic. The note said, Need your help. Please come as soon as possible. I’m awaiting you

It wasn’t signed, but that wasn’t necessary, Hermione knew who it was from and what to do. Not knowing what was wrong she grabbed a bag with the most common pain and healing potions and activated her portkey. Moments later she found herself in Harry’s living room. Her best friend was sitting on the couch, his face buried in his hands, but he looked up when he realized she was there.

Hermione made her way over to the couch and sat down beside Harry. Without a word she set down her bag and put an arm around his shoulders, offering comfort.

“What happened, Harry?” Hermione finally asked, worried about the state Harry was in.

“I’m not sure, Hermione.” Harry answered, finally looking her into the eyes. “John came over, earlier. He brought photos of Nate and I was just glad he didn’t wake him with the doorbell. I didn’t have the baby-speaker with me and, of course, couldn’t explain the monitoring charm, so I needed an excuse to go into Nate’s room and take it down. I didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks of the charm going off later on. But John went into the room first and he just stood there and looked down at Nate. At that moment I wished it would be Severus standing there, watching our child sleep.

“Anyway, I had to use my wordless magic in order to take down the charm and then it happened. When my magic hit John, he reacted to it. There was actual magic colliding with mine. But it wasn’t just some random magic, it was Severus’ magic and it was coming from John. I don’t know how that is possible, Hermione. One moment he is standing there and I try to make myself believe he is Severus and then…then he began to feel like Severus. What’s happening to me, Hermione? Am I going insane?”

A worried look crossed Hermione’s face. “Harry, your wards are set to protect you and Nate from any magical being that wants to harm you, right? What about Muggles? Or people whose magic has been bound? Could they pass your wards?” Hermione’s mind was racing, Harry could see it.

“No, Muggles or people who had their magic bound will not be affected by the wards, why? Surely you don’t think John would do something bad to me or Nathaniel? He’s a nice guy.” Harry answered defensively.

“Harry, think about it,” Hermione said impatiently. “Out of the blue you meet this man, he’s had surgery on his face, a false name and claims to have no memories of his past. How do you know he’s no Death Eater in disguise or someone else who wants to get near you without being found out? Did you think about that? Did you even think about the possibility that you might have felt magic from John because it really was there? Maybe the binding charm on his magic is failing, maybe it’s something else – you never know.” She looked at him sternly and her jaw dropped when he began to laugh at her.

“Hermione I have to say you are even more paranoid than I am. Did you really think I would invite a complete stranger into my home without checking his story first? I’m Harry Potter, do you really think I’ve learned nothing at all over the years? We’ve been at war, Hermione and Sev would have had my head for being careless with the safety of my child. Of course I made sure John really is who he said he was.” Harry grinned.

Hermione’s eyes narrowed and she asked suspiciously, “Harry James Potter, what the hell did you do?”

“Oh, Hermione, nothing, nothing at all, besides checking some background information about my new friend John Doe. Like when he first was found and where, for example. But papers can be manipulated and information can be bought so I used a source that is a bit more…let’s call it direct”

A disbelieving look crossed Hermione’s face. “You didn’t,” she whispered.

“Of course I did. I put a drop of Veritaserum into his orange juice on our second picnic. I had to make sure he is really who he claims to be. No-one can lie under Veritaserum, you know that, Hermione. It was the only way to assure the safety of my son.” Harry’s tone was serious, the look in his eyes hard and unforgiving.

“You used Veritaserum on a Muggle? Are you insane? That's dangerous, Harry!” she chided.

“Hermione, calm down. You know as well as I do that I'm more than capable when it comes to the use of Veritaserum. Nothing bad at all happened to John. He answered all my questions and he told the truth. He really can’t remember his past. He really spent all this time in hospital and he really has no magic at all. That’s the truth. This brings me back to my first question, Hermione. Am I somehow responsible for this magic? Am I imagining this or am I going insane?”

Rubbing her hands over her face slowly, Hermione thought for a few minutes. Then she looked her best friend straight in the eyes and said, “I think this was a case of wish magic.”

“Wish magic?” Harry echoed, looking surprised. “But I’ve not used wish magic in…ages. You know that I can’t let my magic slip like that, not with the amount of power I have at my hands. It’s dangerous. What am I going to do now, Hermione?”

Hermione sighed. Harry wouldn’t like to hear what she had to say, but it was the only reasonable way. “Harry, you need to let go of Severus. You need to say goodbye to him and accept that he is not coming back to you. As long as you compare John to Severus, as long as you wish it were Severus instead of John, this will happen again. You will create your own reality, will feel as if Severus is here, but he won’t be. Please don’t do this to yourself and please don’t do this to John. It’s not fair to him either. He’s a person all his own, he’s not a second Severus. If you can’t keep those two apart, you’re just setting yourself up for heartache.”

Harry swallowed hard. He knew Hermione was right, he was sure he’d done this himself. He was feeling like he was going insane already, and it was bound to get worse the longer he wished he was with Severus instead of John. She was right, still, it hurt.

“You should do it soon, Harry.” Hermione said silently. “If you don’t do it, you’ll hurt him and you might possibly lose him over this. Please don’t give up this chance for happiness, Harry. If someone deserves to be happy, it’s you.” With that she kissed his cheek, took her bag and stood.

“I’ll go now, Harry. Call me if you need me, you know I’ll be there for you whenever you need me.”

Then she was gone.

ooOoo

“You want me to what? You must be joking. I am not going to step into a burning fireplace, even if the flames are green.” John looked at the patiently smiling Emily like she had lost her mind.

“John, trust me, alright? Healer Simmons is awaiting us at the hospital, you have nothing to fear. How about Greg steps through first and I’ll go after you? This way you will see that no harm has come to Greg and he will be able to catch you, should your first travel by floo be a bit …bumpy. You might feel a bit shaken and disoriented first, but you will be perfectly fine otherwise. Trust me with this, John, I’ve done it dozens of times and I’m still alive and healthy, am I not?” A mischievous twinkle entered her eyes and John couldn’t help but smile a bit. Emily really was impossible.

“Alright then, show me how it’s done,” John finally gave in, feeling as if he had just signed his own death sentence.

Greg came forward, clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Just do as I do and you’ll be perfectly fine. I’ll be waiting for your arrival on the other side and help you out. Trust us, you’ve nothing to fear.” With that he grabbed a hand full of the substance Emily had called ‘floo powder’ and threw it into the fireplace.

Instantly the flames turned green and Greg stepped into them without hesitation. John watched wide eyed as Greg clearly said “Healer Simmons’ office, St. Mungos” and vanished.

“And now you, John,” Emily encouraged. “Go on through, I’ll be right behind you.” She smiled at him patiently.

Gathering his courage, John repeated Greg’s actions of throwing floo powder into the fireplace. Then he took a last, calming breath and stepped into the green flames.

A/N: When my muses came back (and I was finally out of hospital) I found myself with this little 5500+ words monster. So I decided to split the chapter up. Chapter 6 will be up soon.