Up the Duff

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Harry Potter-Malfoy was very brave, of course he was. He had faced down a dark lord practically single handedly and won, after all. However, there was still something about finding himself on the wrong end of a stinky, sticky, pregnant Malfoy‘s wand that made his knees knock together.

“But.. But.. Blood muffin…” Harry whined as he backed up with his hands raised defensively.

“If you think that I am going to waddle around for nine months looking like a bloated penguin you are out of your undead mind Potter!” Draco hissed.

“You don’t have a choice.” Severus muffled statement reached the blonds ears. His greasy head was still buried in his hands but Draco heard him clearly enough. “You know a magical pregnancy cant be terminated without killing the host.”

“Draco… baby doll….” Harry tried again.

“That’s Malfoy to you!” Storm gray eyes narrowed dangerously. His wand twitched.

“Draco….” Snape said tiredly from behind his desk. “You know you cant kill the prat with magic. Drop your wand and lets try to decide on an intelligent course of action.”

A slow, evil smile drifted across Draco’s face. “Ahhhhh but Severus.” He purred silkily. “I don’t have to kill him……..” Lightning seemed to flash through those stormy eyes. “To make him WISH he was dead.”

Harry gulped loudly. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t fight Draco! Not only was he madly in love with him, but now his spouse might very well be carrying his child! Harry was left with no way to defend himself.

“Besides.” Draco sneered. Poking Harry in the chest with his wand tip meaningfully. “Who said anything about using magic?” He poked harder. “I hear a stake to the heart can still work wonders.”

Harry, to put it quite simply…. Panicked. His attention was so focused on Draco that he slipped and forgot all about the duff in its bubble. His spell ended abruptly with a loud POP, followed quickly by a loud *PLOP/SPLASH* as the gelatinous creature dropped to the floor.

Nearly hysterical, Harry’s first thought was that it looked like a giant troll had hocked up a loogie dead in the middle of Snape’s classroom.

Mrs. Norris let out a yowl that could very easily have awakened the dead and immediately clawed her way up Filch’s naked chest, finally coming to rest atop the very crown of his head with every one of her claws embedding themselves deep in the mans skull.

Filch screamed and began shaking his head violently as skinny arms flailed wildly.

Mrs. Norris clung on tenaciously, with the desperation universally exhibited by those having recently been enveloped in a big, reeking ball of phlegm.

Hagrid, having had his face pressed to the outside of the ball of energy, stumbled foreword when it disappeared. He immediately went skating into slime and landed hard, slamming his head into the stone floor and effectively knocking himself out cold.

The creature seemed to pull itself together, gathering mass.

Upon seeing the beast set free, Draco Malfoy-Potter had much the same reaction as Mrs. Norris. Flinging himself into Harry’s arms with a earsplitting wail and seemingly trying to scale him.

Severus Snape came to his feet in one smooth motion, thrusting his wand out before him. “Incarc…” Snape started.

Seeing a new wand pointing at it the creature reacted quickly. With a loud farting noise it launched itself up and over Snape as the potions master yelped and ducked. Small snot balls rained down on the professors head as the goo flew over him.

With a splat it landed behind Snape. It came to rest directly in front of where Harry was currently being climbed like a monkey by his suddenly forgiving husband.

Harry tried to fumble for his wand but Draco clambering over him was making it impossible to get to. Clutching Draco tightly to him Harry stood his ground and prepared to fight as the beast turned and squelched toward them. He could feel Draco shudder behind him as the thing got closer.

Harry gritted his teeth and dearly wished he could hold his nose. The stench from the monster really could have knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon.

Luckily, the beast only paused a moment in front of them and only then to send Draco what sounded like a big wet smooch through the air, then it melted like wax into a large glowing pool on the floor and slithered under the door and out of the room before anyone could react.

Harry wondered for a moment if it was insane to be jealous of a big ball of snot throwing a kiss at his spouse.

Snape stepped up beside them just as a screaming Filch made his third pass around the room with a stinking feline still painfully glued to the top of his head. "Mer-fuckin-lin!" shrieked Filch.

“Your usual sterling performance Potter.-Malfoy.” Snape said mockingly.

Harry turned to give Snape a blistering retort, but as soon as he looked the potions master in the face all he could do was giggle. Severus’s clothing was splattered with snot and Snape had a sizeable neon green booger dripping right off the end of his big nose and he obviously didn’t realize it.

Harry snickered as he pointed to Severus’s dripping appendage. All Snape could see was a finger rapidly approaching his nose, because his eyes crossed as he tried to follow Potter’s sudden movement.

Once again, Harry found himself with a wand nearly thrust up his snout.

“If you lay so much as one finger on me Potter-Malfoy, I swear to Merlin there will be SEVERE pain on your part. Quite probably involving boils and/or exploding sexual organs.” Snape vowed coldly.

“Fine.” Harry huffed as his hand dropped. “I was just trying to help.”

“You’ve done quite enough damage for one day, you horny imbecile! Thank you very much!” Snape sneered sarcastically as he glanced around the room at his still cowering Godson, an unconscious half-giant lying dead to the world in a glowing pool of slime, and Filch constantly streaking by, still sporting his putrid pussy bonnet and yodeling obscenities.

“Quite enough damage indeed.”

TBC...