Scars III

Chapter 5: Books Keep The Soul At Bay

Hermione gathered her bag and the book she was reading from the table in front of her. She headed towards the door, her eyes on the floor. As she moved through the halls she felt a tingle at the back of her neck but ignored it.

She was about to open the door to her Transfiguration class when a hand fell over her shoulder.

“Hey beaver,” Harry whispered in her ear.

Hermione heard him. She heard the sound, the voice, the words. As though the call for Armageddon had come she felt herself shuddered and melted into his arms as he hugged her from the back. She felt a sensation as though everything was washing away and all she was left with was…

“It’s time to come back to us,” Harry said, “it’s not your fault, never was. So enough of this. Come back to me, my Hermione, come back to us, we miss you.”

Hermione closed her eyes. Resettling her weight upon steady legs she turned. Without opening her eyes she fell forward. Harry caught her and Hermione sighed. It was finally over.

~~~~~

Draco scowled down at the blank piece of parchment. There was supposed to be an essay on it. Yet…there was no essay.

“Fucking herbology,” he muttered.

He turned away from the parchment, quills, and school books. He quietly made his way through the students gathered in the common room and entered his room. With a groan he fell on his bed. Reaching with two fingers he dragged a notebook from under his mattress.

He rolled onto his stomach and opened the book to a page in the middle. At the top of the page, in a flowing script, was his name. A sudden rush of memories and emotions filled him as he stared at the page. Harry’s comments, his curved Y’s and blocky D’s filled Draco’s vision.

He had meant to do as he always did before he fell into sleep. But this was his page. This was what Harry had written about him; inadvertently to him. The truth through guesses that weren’t guesses and it had all been true…was true.

It was his page. It was what Harry, no Dev, had seen. It was what had first brought them into a friendship beyond the mask Harry had worn for others. And Draco was lost within the thin penned lines.

The first drop fell upon the D of his name. It made the page beneath the D billow like a balloon. Turning his head away to late one more tear splattered the page, this time falling upon that half formed word form so long ago…‘frie’.

~~~~~~

Harry smiled down at Hermione and gently shook her into consciousness.

“Wha…?”

“You fell asleep,” Harry told her. Hermione blushed.

“Oh.”

“You have class in a few minutes,” Harry commented.

“Yeah…um…” Hermione glanced at him through her mass of hair.

“It’s alright. Although there’s nothing to forgive I still forgive you,” Harry said.

Hermione smiled at him, shook her head and said, “thank you…but…I…”

Harry cocked his head to the side. “What?”

Hermione felt her cheeks heat more and wished they would stop. She knew Harry could see her blush. “It’s just that…” biting her lip in an attempt to keep tears at bay she stood, turning away from Harry.

“Wait!” Harry called. Hermione paused.

She could feel hope rising and wished it would die. She didn’t deserve…

“Come here!” Harry called, his voice loud in the dark room.

For a moment Hermione wondered where they were. She wondered why she was there. “Why…” she couldn’t speak. It was to hard. What did she deserve from this boy? She deserved nothing. She should leave now. She should leave and return to her own ways…but…

‘But…’ the word resounded in her head and she hated herself for thinking it.

“I never wanted this,” Harry said, his voice now bellow it’s earlier yell. Hermione shook her head and felt shame as tears fell from her face. “Hermione.”

“I don’t…”

Hermione felt something break within her. It was enough. It was time that he understood what she was. It was time that she explained…so she would finally be left in peace.

She turned, her blotching face forgotten, the tears forgotten. “I don’t deserve this!” she screamed. “I don’t deserve you’re forgiveness, Harry! I…I watched them break. I destroyed who you were!” she felt her body shake with a sob but it didn’t matter. She had to make him see.

“I am nothing,” she cried, her voice breaking. “I am nothing. I shouldn’t even…I don’t deserve…not any of you…” her words were broken by sobs and the weakness made her want to die. Everything made her want to die. She hadn’t cared enough. She hadn’t done enough. She was useless. Worse than useless, she was destruction.

‘I failed,’ she thought as Harry’s strong yet small harms wrapped around her. ‘I…I…’ she couldn’t think as she fell to the ground, Harry still clutching her.

“You are worth everything,” Harry’s horse voice told her. “Worth worth more than I ever have been…Hermione,” his voice sounded pleading. “Hermione, I love you. I love you more than you can even understand. You’re my sister, my mother, you’re more important to me than I am to myself.”

The words shattered her resolve. She knew she wasn’t that. She knew she was worthless, less than the matter she was made up of. But for this instant, for this moment, it was so nice to think that he spoke truth. It was so nice to believe what he said, just for a moment.

Her arms raised, her fingers digging into Harry’s shoulder. She clutched at him as salty water poured from her eyes and mucus formed in her nose. She wept for longer than she had ever wept before. And when the tears ran out he still held her. He held her as she trembled and moaned. He ripped a strip of cloth from his clothing for her to wipe her nose on and then held her some more.

Hermione fell asleep upon Harry shoulder. She fell asleep to his murmurs of, “I love you.” She fell asleep to her own thoughts of, ‘this isn’t real.’

But even as she fell into dreams the sound of her own thoughts was harder to believe, harder to hear, as Harry whispered the truth in her ear.

~~~~

Carrying Hermione from the classroom Harry carefully made his way to the all to familiar Slytherin dorms. He whispered to the snake, requesting entrance. When entrance was granted he stepped through the arch and into the common room. Classes were in full swing and no one occupied the room. Hermione might well skin him for allowing her to miss class but…well, he figured she needed rest more than he needed his skin.

Harry moved towards the room he needed. Pushing the door open with his foot he entered the fourth year dorms. Finding the bed that was Blaise’s he carefully settled Hermione between the sheets and pulled the hanging closed around her. He locked them with a mild locking charm, one that Hermione or Blaise could overcome with ease.

Harry exited the Slytherin dorms, hoping that Blaise would be able to handle Hermione from here. He still had one more person to visit. The thought filled him with a dread that could only be matched by the emotion he had felt at receiving permission to come back to Hogwarts.

Even though Blaise had said he thought Snape would be the easiest Harry couldn’t really believe that. He knew that Snape was, would be, the hardest of them all. And it was because Snape was the link between Harry Potter and Devastation’s fathers.

~~~~~

Harry stared down at his hands. He could feel fear turning his body into a breeding ground for bugs. They squirmed in his gut, crawled across his skin. They ate holes in his thoughts and turned him to trembling.

“Dev.”

Harry looked up, into pools of black, a void of…nothing.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered, his throat tight over the words.

“Why did you leave?” Snape asked him. His voice was cool water over scorched skin.

“To,” shaking his head Harry said, “…I lost it.” And still his own voice was a rasp of fear and despair.

“Yes,” Severus sighed. He moved around the desk, the action making Harry jump. “But why did you come back?”

“I…I don’t know…” Harry said weakly.

Severus grumbled something under his breath but Harry didn’t even attempt to hear it.

“And your fathers don’t know.”

Harry nodded, though it hadn’t been a question.

“Will you contact them or will you leave that to me?” Severus asked.

Harry shook his head. He didn’t know. Wasn’t it enough that he was speaking? Wasn’t it enough that he was here? How much more did he have to do? How much more would make things right?

“Has Draco spoken with you yet?”

And by “speaking” Severus obviously meant something beyond the screaming that had occurred on the first day of Harry’s return. Harry shook his head.

“I see,” Severus sighed. “Well, it seems that I have letters to write and you have a Malfoy to speak to.”

Harry just stared at him. What that all he would say?

“Harry,” Severus said and his voice was softer that Harry had thought possible. “You understand what you did to him, don’t you?”

Harry nodded. He knew. He knew entirely to well what he had done to the boy that was his mate…to the boy that had been his first real friend, the boy who had excepted him…

“I know…”

“Good, now fix it,” Severus commanded, his voice it’s usual harsh tone. Harry smiled up at him before vacating the room.