Not Going To Let You Go

Title: Let Go
Author: Lilvior
Rating: R (possibly lower)
Summary: Lupin can’t handle the loss, depression goes a lot deeper than anyone realises.
Warning: Spoilers galore for OotP, but not for HBP. Character death. Naughty language. I sort of hint at some m/m, but don’t worry; nothing actually happens.
Archive: I would be honoured.
Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters, if I did, Sirius would still be alive.
Rant: God DAMN JKR that stupid woman. Okay, she evoked a reaction, which is exactly what she was trying to do; so maybe killing the best character in the series wasn’t a totally retarded move. But Sirius is – was – a hero! Couldn’t he have died a hero’s death? Jumping between Harry and Voldemort or something?
Anyway

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“Oh my baby!” Molly was crying, George most definitely wasn’t dead but he was in a lot of pain, Fred wasn’t much help, the shock had prompted him to throw up all over the table, Tonks was trying to clean him up while Arthur gaped wordlessly. Kingsley was trying to contact Dumbledore – without success.
The black in Lupin’s eyes faded and he started convulsing,
“I thought he was supposed to be cured?” Mad-Eye muttered, attempting to tilt Remus’ head so that he didn’t choke.
Snape didn’t reply, either something had been wrong with the potion – the potion he had made – or Remus hadn’t been taking it. Snape had never brewed a dud potion in his life, but if he had this time then this was all his fault.
“Get out of the way.” He snarled, he pointed his wand at Lupin and said loudly, “Be still!”
Remus’ convulsions ceased instantly, and his wand fell from one suddenly lifeless hand.
Without another word, Snape carried his patient upstairs. The whole situation was starting to make him feel a bit sick, he almost wanted to cry – something he hadn’t done in a long time. As he lay Lupin down on the bed he tried to work out what had happened.
“Remus?” Severus asked quietly, his tenderness no longer shocked him, he was getting used to being sensitive. “Wake up.” He gently patted Lupin’s shoulder with one hand, and stroked his hair with the other.
“Mrm.” Remus murmured, for a moment he looked utterly peaceful, his dark lips curled a tiny bit in a contented smile, and he snuggled against Severus’ shoulder. Then he opened his eyes and it all came back; what he’d done. Sirius’ voice was in his head, telling him what he’d done.
Snape saw the change from warmly comfortable to distressed clearly, he was quick to try to set him at ease again.
“It’s okay, calm down.” He wished he could take the pain Lupin was feeling, the sight of this grown man crying was hurting him on the inside, making his heart feel tight. “It’s going to be alright, George is going to be fine.”
This didn’t help. Remus sort of gagged and then sobbed louder, his face was screwed into a mask of pain, he had lost the capacity for rational thought and his brain felt like it was going to explode. He was shaking so much that Severus thought he was having another fit; it was clear now what had happened, but Lupin managed to choke it out anyway.
“I didn’t take the potion.” He said, wincing as if expecting to be hit, to be told how stupid he was. “I took the first one, but not the other two.”
“Please, please stop crying.” Severus couldn’t believe how close he was to crying himself. He hugged Remus tightly, subconsciously expecting him to regain more sanity the tighter he was hugged.
“He told me not to take it!” Remus cried out, “He said he would go away if I took the last dose, and then he’d really be dead!”
Pieces slid into place in Snape’s mind. Someone told him not to take it? Three guesses who.
“Severus.” The instantly recognisable wheezy, old man’s voice spoke softly yet felt sandpaper to Snape’s ears. “Come with me.”
He sat back and looked at Lupin.
“Please don’t go.” He whimpered, but for some reason Severus felt he had to speak with the headmaster, he had to find out if there was another way to cure his patient. He got off the bed and backed towards the door, not breaking eye contact.
“I’ll be back soon.”

The instant the door was closed Sirius appeared. He looked the way he had in his wanted posters; menacing and dishevelled.
“Why aren’t you happy?” He demanded, “Why didn’t you come upstairs when I told you to?”
Remus cowered in the bed, wincing when he saw Sirius move towards him.
“No!” Remus looked up, that hadn’t been him.
Across the room stood another Sirius.
“Why are you remembering me like this?” This Sirius had those mischievous eyes but a soft expression, he looked more like the real Sirius. “There is no ‘real’ me.” Sirius said, reading Remus’ mind. “I’m dead, Moony.”
The other Sirius – the ‘evil’ one – seemed to have diminished a little as Remus concentrated on the new one. “Tell me.” He said, but it wasn’t as demanding a tone as Sirius had used the day before.
“I don’t know.” Remus whispered, he was really confused now.
“I think I do. You were confusing me with someone else you knew who died. You tried to make a memory of me, but because you’re a little screwed up right now it got confused.” Sirius put on an apologetic face and added quietly, “I know you want me to come back, but I can’t, I’m only now for a short time ‘cause we’re worried about you.” He stared for a moment, then added, “’Cause I’m dead. We’re all dead, Rem; Me, James, Lily, the real Peter the way he was at Hogwarts, officially he might be alive now, but his soul is with us.”
It all made so much sense.
“What do I do now?” Remus asked, his voice sounded exactly the way it did all those years ago when they were children and Remus had been selected to carry out the next part of one of their fiendish schemes. What do I do now? Pour it in his pumpkin juice. What do I do now? Climb in through the window and steal the essay answers. What do I do now? Sign here. What do I do now? Throw it through the hoop. What do I do now?
“I can’t tell you this time, but I think you know.”

Downstairs the commotion had died down. Dumbledore had been filled in on the whole situation, he seemed to have come to a decision about what they were to do about it as well.
“Poor Remus suffered an incredible emotional trauma, we did all we could to attempt to ease his way through this time. But it seems we have failed. Severus?” He turned and sat down.
Snape stood up, his expression was unreadable – as usual – but there was a slight pinkish hue about his eyes, if one didn’t know what a cold-hearted, emotionless bastard Snape was, they might have thought he’d been crying.
“The potion I made should have worked. However, after the first dose the patient will occasionally experience some side effects. Lupin experienced hallucinations; he believes Sirius Black has been visiting him. Lupin is a reasonable person, he would normally question the integrity of such visions, but in this case I believe he was so desperate for it to be real, he made this vision tell him not to take anymore of the potion; thus leaving him in a hallucinatory state. Were this the only side-effect he may have been able to get by. But the hallucination had no new material to be backed up by, so his mind latched onto any other memories, less happy ones. Also having created this link, he was allowing another voice into his psyche, resulting in a sort of split personality. He will not be able to control this second voice, he will probably develop several more voices all taking over his mind and body at random intervals.” Struggling to keep his voice steady, Severus coughed, and then continued. “There is no way of reversing this, he is going to need round the clock medical treatment to keep these episodes as painless as possible. Dumbledore has consented for Lupin to be removed from the Order and placed under permanent mental care at St Mungo’s.” Dumbledore nodded in that irritatingly serene way that gave the impression he was very sorry but, hey, these things happen. “I’m going to speak with him now.”
The people at the table were in shock, Arthur mumbled quietly that someone would have to speak to the children about this; they’d all grown rather attached to their ex-teacher, and he was the last of Harry’s father’s school-friends. Molly cried quietly into a handkerchief while George comforted her, one of his arms strapped to his chest so that he couldn’t move the damaged shoulder. Tonks looked as though she really wanted to cry, but couldn’t quite get the tears out, she leant sideways against Kingsley’s side and let him wrap an arm around her.
Severus left the room and slammed the door shut behind him. He could feel his lower lip quivering already, but he knew he couldn’t break here; anyone could come out and see him. He quickly ascended the stairs, tears already tickling the corners of his eyes. He discovered the bathroom next to the room where Remus was, then slumped back against the closed door and let himself go.
He remembered perfectly the last time he’d cried; he was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, he’d just been told that his mother was dead, and James Potter had tripped him up as he was running to his dormitory. After that he promised himself he’d never cry again.
And here he was; breaking that promise.
He allowed himself exactly five minutes then crossed towards the sink. After splashing his face with cold water shaking his head for a while he felt a bit better. He left the bathroom and walked into the next bedroom, stopping in his tracks when he saw what was happening.

When Sirius’ ghost or memory or whatever that thing was, finished talking, Remus climbed out of bed, he knew what he had to do, it had been staring him in the face all along. Snape had taken his wand again, but that didn’t matter, now he knew where Sirius had kept an old spare. The voices in his head where asking him what he was doing, the one that pretended to be Sirius tried to take control of his body again, but Remus fought it. He emptied the top drawer of Sirius’ cupboard, then removed the false base and retrieved the spare wand. When he turned around he saw the hallucination again.
“What are you doing?” It asked, angry and terrifying.
“I think that’s obvious.”
Faintly he could see the real ghost, smiling a sad smile, one ghostly tear trickling down his cheek.
“No! You can’t!” The fake shrieked.
This was when Severus opened the door, he saw Remus standing there, holding the wand to his chest, talking to a blank space. In the opposite corner however, he did see the faded ghost of Sirius Black.
“This is the way it has to be.” Remus said, “I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard, staring at Severus for a moment, then closing his eyes he took a deep breath and spoke two words, quiet and clear; “Avadi kadavri*.”
Snape imagined he might have leapt forward and tried to stop him, but in reality he couldn’t even move. He stood in the doorway as, in slow motion, a wave of bright light erupted from the end of the wand in Lupin’s hand. It seemed to be that intense for a long minute although the whole thing was over in a split second. The light left no shadows, it burnt through the pale ghost in the corner, and somehow made the walls, floor and ceiling of the room vanish. For that long moment it was only Remus and Severus, alone in an empty world of light where everything was innocent and alive, for that moment there was no pain in the world, no suffering, no death only a pleasant warmth. Lupin’s eyes shone gold the way he was always meant to look, the way he would have looked had life not been so unreasonably cruel to him. Then his whole face was vibrant and beautiful, life gushed from every pore, and Snape could have almost cried at the sheer beauty of the end of this man’s life. Slowly the light left, dissipating into the air, he could almost taste it as he breathed, feel it brushing his skin. Lupin’s eyes closed and he slumped to the floor. Severus could feel this sad life leaving him and an emptiness take its place, at that point the residual effect of the spell hit him and knocked him out.

Five days later Severus was lying in his bed at Hogwarts trying desperately to sleep. He’d recovered quickly but felt as though he’d been stained; whenever he closed his eyes to sleep he saw that vision of Lupin, so stunning and yet so tragic. Sometimes when it was dark and he’d given up on sleep he thought he could hear the sound of children’s laughter, and in that place between waking and sleep he saw the Marauders as children. Once he clearly saw the face of his long-time enemy, grudge dropped in death, smiling at him. In a voice so faint that it could even have been his imagination he thought he heard Black thanking him.
Thank you for helping him, the face turned away, then back again, it’s not your fault, you know.
It was hard not to smile.
If death was this beautiful he had nothing to fear.
If death was this beautiful then how amazing is life?

End

*I figured most of the spells etc. were in Latin, so I changed the word endings to make them refer to first person.

I hope that wasn’t too depressing, I have difficulty writing anything where no one dies. I hope my last line inspires some warmth (even if it was amongst the corniest things you’ve ever read). Thank you to my loyal reviewers! I love you all.