The Phantom of Idiocy

Chapter Four

Hermione enters her double potions class in a huff. Harry and Ron follow close behind, mimicking her anger.

\"I can’t believe it Hermione, cleaning cauldrons the muggle way!\" Harry exclaims, aghast.

\"Yeah!\" Ron shouts.

\"It was pretty brutal…\" says Hermione. If only they knew the whole story…

\"39.5 points from Gryffindor…each…for chatting in my class!\" Snape snarls, as Draco smirks from across the room. Harry makes to leap up and attack him, but Hermione and Ron hold him back.

\"As I was saying, for today’s class, you shall brew a love potion. I will be walking around the classroom and checking your progress as you go. Begin!\"

Hermione is concerned. A love potion? Isn’t that dangerous to put in the hand of hormonal teenagers? She puts this out of her mind, however, as she begins to brew.

\"Ah, Miss Granger….how are we feeling today? As love sick as last night, you little slut?\" Even Snape cringes at his own harsh words. How could you say that to the woman you love! It is I, I am the love sick slut!!!!

Hermione stares at him, bewildered. \"Um, no sir!\" she stutters.

Snape stands over her cauldron and takes a strong whiff of the potion.

\"Sir, I’ve already added my own hairs to the concoction! If you continue to sniff the vapors in such a manner, the potion could go into effect…\"

But professor Snape is not listening. He continues to inhale deeply, as he picks the cauldron up, and pours it over his head. His skin immediately turns bright red, as the boiling liquid consumes him.

\"Professor!\" Hermione yelps, utterly bewildered.

\"Sorry, I was feeling a bit warm…\" Snape explains.

\"So you decided to cool off with boiling love potion?\"

An awkward silence falls, as Hermione’s love potion begins to take effect. Snape’s pupils dilate, and he hisses \"Class dismissed…Miss Granger, you stay behind.\"

The class, slightly confused, is completely comforted by Hermione’s following remark.

\"Er, sorry everyone, feeling a bit off today. I’ll be fine…grrr…greasy git.\"

Harry smiles. \"I understand, Hermione. Perfectly logical explanation. So logical, in fact, that this incredibly abnormal event will not be gossiped about in any way!\"

After Harry shuts the dungeon door behind him, Snape rounds on Hermione.

\"Look at me! Your intoxicating love potion has burned me beyond deformity!!!\"

Hermione squints her eyes, attempting to find his wounds. She hardly sees his point, as he has already performed a healing charm on himself.

\"No! The left cheek! Look! A scar is left there that not even magic will heal! It is the mark of a burning love potion!!!!!\"

Squinting even further, Hermione sees an incredibly small heart shaped scar. \"Oh, well, I think it’s actually kind of-\"

\"Cute! You think it’s cute, do you! Well I think you’re cute!\" He cries, grabbing Hermione and forcing her into a kiss with a burning passion. His tongue plunges into her mouth and ravages it until Hermione thinks her gums will bleed. She tentatively begins to kiss back, wondering if this is really what he wants.

Don’t be silly, Hermione, it’s just your perfect love potion talking! His throbbing manhood has nothing to do with how he actually feels! Although I may as well use this turn of events to my advantage…

Snape breaks the kiss, pulls out his trusty pad of paper and cries \"I don’t know if this is the potion talking, but I love you Hermione! I want to ‘court’, ‘date’, ‘play footsie’, ‘massage’, ‘hand-hold’, ‘cheek peck’, ‘kiss’, ‘make out’, ‘hook up’, ‘stroke’, ‘heavy pet’, ‘conjugate’, ‘engage in intimate relations’, ‘foreplay’, ‘penetrate’, ‘fuck’, ‘sex’, ‘intercourse’, and involve myself emotionally with you!!!\" He shuts the notebook impressively and looks up at Hermione expectantly.

\"Errr…I have to go…\" She mumbles, and picks up her bag and heads to the Great Hall.