Duck Duck Goose

Duck . . . Duck . . . Goose!



By MysticSlave







Disclaimer: We own nothing but the story concepts. All HP characters and similarities to the books are JK’s.











Author’s Note:







Keep an eye on the chapter names; they may be revealing – and you may find luscious little Rickmanisms if you keep your eyes peeled!







Love, MysticSlave







Chapter Five: Jealousy Rears Its Snarky Head











Severus stumbled back to the Gryffindor Common Room. He had no idea how he made it back. He was horrified and cowed for one of the few times in his life. After climbing through the portrait hole, he settled onto a chair, staring vacantly into space. Ron turned to look at him. “Mione, what’s wrong?”







“So wrinkly . . . so gray and wrinkly . . .”







“Erm. . . what was that?” Ron looked confused.







Suddenly seeming to snap out of his daze, Severus looked up at Ron. “Nothing Ron; just tired from my lessons. Going to bed now!” He swooped out before Ron could say anything.











Once back in his room, Severus hurriedly stripped and jumped into the shower. He scrubbed his body clean, not at all shy, not now, not after his evening studies; struggling to remove eau de Minerva. When finished, he blindly searched for Hermione’s toothbrush, using a huge dollop of toothpaste to rid his mouth of the taste of hers. He scrubbed his teeth, his tongue; even the roof of his mouth. He looked at the tube. He’d have to get a bigger size to keep up if he had any more delightful evenings.











The next morning found Minerva sitting at the High Table, a cat-ate-the-canary grin on her face. ‘I love when Hermione plays hard-to-get,’ she mused to herself, reminiscing over the previous evening’s activities. She had never seen the young woman put so much effort into her role playing. She was startled out of her reverie when a large form sat down next to her. She turned. It was just Severus. She went back to her thoughts.







Hermione was going nuts. Minerva smelled heavenly this morning. She took a long, careful sniff of the older woman, thanking Merlin for the divine sense of smell the Potions Master was blessed with. She could smell Minerva’s sex. ‘Damn!’ she thought with frustration, ‘Now I’m horny with no way to relieve it and . . .’ Oh. Dear. She had forgotten that her new body would react visibly to such thoughts. ‘Shit!’







She shifted uncomfortably and caught Minerva staring at her with an odd expression.







Minerva couldn’t make head-nor-tails of Severus’s morning reaction. ‘Had she caught him sniffing her?’ And now Severus was actually blushing. What a strange morning this was becoming. Minerva turned away from Severus, as if looking over her other shoulder, and discretely sniffed herself. ‘Whoops,’ she thought, catching a whiff of herself and the faint aroma of her student, ‘I suppose I should bathe before class.’











Severus did not make an appearance for breakfast.



















Ron and Harry were trying to get into the Head Girls’ room. The wards kept rejecting them which meant their friend was really upset by something. “I dunno, Harry, she seemed kind of flaky last night, but I figured it was just a girl thing.”







“Didn’t you say she was all worried about something and muttering about being all gray and wrinkly? Maybe her animagus form is an elephant and she didn’t want to tell us. Not very useful for spy work, but she could sure squash the hell out of the Death Eaters!” sniggered Harry.











Finally the door opened to reveal Hermione. Her face was blotchy from crying and she was still in her pyjamas.







“Mione!” exclaimed both boys. “Are you okay? What happened?”







Severus just shook his head. ‘Damn girl hormones, made me cry!’ although he did have to admit it had been a rather traumatic experience, but still, he had a reputation to maintain; and so, he felt, did Hermione.







“I – I don’t feel well,” he stuttered. “Make my excuses to Professor Snape, please, Harry.”







Ron was gobsmacked. “You’re skiving off the greasy git’s class! Wow, you must really be sick!”







Harry elbowed Ron. He was never much for tact or subtly. “Do you want me to bring you anything back, Hermione?”











Severus glared at Ron. He knew now that he was safe to defend himself as Hermione apparently did. “He is not greasy, Ron, and he’s a professor, even if you’re not in his class anymore. You should treat him respectfully!”







“How would you know if he’s greasy or not, Hermione,” said Ron, “been sleeping with him? Maybe that’s how you get your grades! Snogging your professor?”







Severus blanched. It would not do for that rumor to get started. Unfortunately, out of the corner of his eye he glimpsed Miss Brown and Mr. Creevy walk by. ‘Shite!’ Given, Ron was sort of on the right path, even if he had the wrong professor in mind, but instead of one of his more sarcastic comments that Ron was never able to refute came to mind, he found himself retorting with, “Oh, is that why you’re the Quidditch Captain, Ron? Been shagging Madam Hooch?”







Ron looked quite green.







Harry forced himself between his two friends. ‘About time to buy Hermione chocolates again,’ he thought tiredly. “C’mon Ron, you know better than to scrap with Hermione when she’s tired . . . or, really, well, anytime. You never win. Let’s get to class.” He turned to Hermione. “I’ll tell Professor Snape you’re not feeling well, though with the way he looked at breakfast, I don’t think it will go over too well.”







Severus paled.











Hermione had waited until the entire hall had cleared out from breakfast which was no easy feat. She wasn’t sure how well the robes would cover her latest development and was sure that Severus wouldn’t be caught dead sporting a . . . problem like that for the whole school to see. Luckily he didn’t have a class first thing.



She was a smart, no, brilliant witch, and she knew how guys would deal with this sort of thing, but she couldn’t bring herself to touch it. The scent of Minerva still in her nose made things even . . . harder. Back in the safety of her rooms, she browsed through Severus’s library until she found what seemed like a reasonable spell for her affliction. It had been marked, leaving her to conclude it had been used before. ‘Could the poor man not bear to touch his own body?’ She pointed the wand and with the movements described in the book, muttered erectus redeo! The absence of tension indicated it had worked. A furtive patting through the robes told her everything was still there. She breathed a great sigh of relief. She would simply have to be more careful with her thoughts in the future.











Hermione strode into Advanced Potions, surreptitiously eyeing the room. Severus was nowhere to be seen. Harry, however, perhaps for the first time ever, had his hand up. Something was afoot.







“Yes, Mr. Potter? What is it?”







“Hermione said to tell you that she wouldn’t be in class today as she wasn’t feeling well. I stopped by to see her and she really does look quite dreadful, sir.”















Hermione scowled. He hadn’t been at breakfast either. She wondered what had happened that would make the man miss his own class. Had last night really been so awful for him?







“Tell Miss Granger that unless she can produce a valid note from Madam Pomfrey, and you better believe I can detect forgeries, than she will be serving detention with Filch for several nights.”







Potter nodded. “Yes, sir, I’ll let her know right after class.”







Hermione had planned to let them continue working on their failed attempts from last week, but now Harry was short a partner. His Potions skills had improved tenfold, but she was hesitant to let him create Polyjuice totally unaided, and while in Severus’s body she couldn’t very well help the “bane of his existence”.







She pondered this. She certainly hadn’t accounted for the professor’s absence. ‘Complicated potions that they cannot screw up,’ she mused. She waved her wand at the board. “You will be creating adamo simils,” she instructed the students. “Get your ingredients and get to work,” she growled. “You have 40 minutes. At the end of class you will be testing your concoctions on each other.”







“What does it do, Professor?” drawled Draco Malfoy.







Hermione raised an eyebrow at Malfoy and swirled to face the other students.







“Class?”







To Hermione’s amazement, Longbottom’s hand was in the air. “Longbottom?”







“It-it creates a feeling si-similar to t-th-that of being in l-love,” said the nervous boy.







Hermione smiled. It looked scary on Severus’s face, and poor Neville grew even paler. “Well, it seems there is something inside that head of yours, Longbottom. I was beginning to wonder.” Hermione hated being nasty to the shaky Gryffindor, but what else could she do without giving their situation away? “Five points to Gryffindor, Longbottom. Let’s see if your potion merits that or if we’ll have to take them away for another useless potion.”







Longbottom’s potion appeared passable at the end of class. Severus may not have been pleased with it, but Hermione let it go. It wouldn’t kill anyone, after all and from the colour and consistency, would have no ill-effects.











“If your potion has the consistency of applesauce and is light pink in colour, you have correctly brewed the adamo simils,” said Hermione. “Bottle up your potion, label it, and leave your sample on my desk. Before you clean up your workstation, however, I want you to take a small dose – approximately a quarter-vial – and pick a partner to test it with. If you do not have a partner, come and see me.”







Unsurprisingly, Draco was left unpartnered. He smirked as he brought his potion up to his professor.







“Your magical signature should be imbued in the potion you have created. Your partner will drink your potion. When you look at them, they should temporarily feel as if they are in love with you. It will wear off before this class is over.”







Knowing that someone would be unpartnered with Severus’s absence, Hermione had brewed just enough for the extra person to take. She handed her vial to Draco, and took his. Since Draco never felt anything for anyone, she doubted that he would notice that he wasn’t getting that warm fuzzy feeling from the potion if it didn’t work correctly. Not that her potion was anything but perfect, but the magical signature in hers was hers, not Severus’s.







Everyone took a sip, maintaining eye contact with their partner. Hermione felt as if she were wrapped in a warm cocoon. She stared dreamily at the platinum-haired boy in front of her. Only the firm resolve that this body seemed to have, regardless of who was currently residing in it, kept her from doing in the professor’s reputation. Draco, on the other hand, was rubbing her arm, staring lustfully at his professor. ‘Well, at least I know that the person with whom you have eye contact with while imbibing it definitely plays a big role in how this potion works,’ she thought, trying unsuccessfully to remove Malfoy’s arm from her person.







Finally, though not soon enough for Hermione, the potion began to wear off, and partners who had been smiling dopily at each other, some had gotten as far as hugging and cuddling – the potion wasn’t truly strong enough for anything else in the dosage she had had them create – jumped back from each other as if they’d been suddenly hexed. Draco’s eyes became hooded once more, but not before Hermione saw something flicker thoughtfully in them. ‘Shite,’ thought Hermione, ‘I hope nothing bad comes of this little experiment.’







Most of the students were looking bemusedly at each other as they exited the classroom. Malfoy, however, looked cool and calculating. Trouble was definitely brewing.















Back at the Head Girl’s room, Harry related the message about detention to Hermione. Severus paled at the thought of detention with Filch. He knew all about the nasty things he made students do. Some topped his own detentions in levels of nastiness, and that no easy feat. He was not pleased to hear he’d given Longbottom points, but he was no less pleased to hear Draco had been so stupid that he hadn’t heard of such a simple, if complicated to brew, potion as the adamo simils. “Thank you, Harry,” he said. “I’ll go get a note from Madam Pomfrey right now.”







“I’ll go with you,” Harry offered.







He didn’t want any company, not really, but he couldn’t bear it if he ran into Minerva on his own, so he agreed. Harry, much to Severus’s chagrin, took Hermione’s arm and lead her towards the infirmary. ‘Harry doesn’t know what Hermione is really seeing Minerva for . . . I wonder if Harry’s sweet on her. Urrgh, that’s just what I need! Affections from the Boy Who Lived, the bane of my existence.’ Severus sighed. Harry rubbed her back.







“It will be alright, Hermione,” and if you need to talk about anything, you know where to find me, he told his friend fondly.







Hermione nodded. When they were nearly at the infirmary, they intersected Ron coming the other way.







“Ron?” questioned Harry, “what’s up, mate?”







“Oh, I just had a bit of a mishap in Herbology. Nothing serious. What are you doing here?”







“Hermione needs a note from Pomfrey or she’ll be serving detention with Filch.”







Ron nodded stiffly.







“I’m sorry for earlier,” Severus said, knowing an apology was in order. “I had a really bad night last night and I couldn’t deal with your teasing.”







Harry gave Ron a look.







Ron sighed. “I shouldn’t have said what I did, Mione, I’m sorry.”







He held out his hand and Severus shook it, thankful he didn’t have to hug the boy.







To Severus’s surprise, Ron stepped back and placed a gentle hand on Harry’s back before leaning into whisper something in his friend’s ear that made Harry blush. Ron smirked. Severus was confused.







“Come by later if you need to talk, Mione,” said Harry, his face still red. “I need to go with Ron right now.”







“Sure, sure Harry, no problem,” said Severus, completely befuddled at this turn of events. He slipped into the infirmary. Had he turned back to see Hermione’s friends departing, he would have seen Harry slip an arm around Ron, in the starkly affectionate gesture of a lover that couldn’t be mistaken for anything else.











Madam Pomfrey eyed her patient. She was one of the few that knew the truth of this situation. She suppressed a laugh when Severus told her she needed a note to escape detention with Filch. She couldn’t imagine what had lead the stiff man to skip his own class when he had made it through Hermione’s classes the other day without a problem, and Severus wasn’t telling. Deciding she couldn’t really force an adult to tell her his secrets, she let it go and handed Severus the requested note.















Severus was in his room sulking. Minerva had petitioned for his presence again this evening. A gleam in her eye had warned the dour, and frankly, scared . . . or was it scarred . . . perhaps a bit of both . . . man that something was in the works. He was certain it couldn’t be anything good.







Harry came by his room to fetch him for dinner. He shrugged and went with him. He needed to eat if he was going to survive tonight.











In the Great Hall, Severus sat in his now usual spot with Harry and Ron. He grudgingly admitted to himself that they weren’t such bad company. ‘It could be worse; I could have ended up in a Hufflepuff’s body.’ Severus tried to keep his eyes on his plate, but his House-mates made this impossible.







“What on earth is up with Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape?” he heard Seamus ask Ginny Weasley.







The red-head shrugged. “Professor McGonagall seemed really . . . gleeful, and, I hesitate to say it, but devious comes to mind,” she said. “I didn’t have Snape today, though,” she continued. “Harry?”







Harry looked up from his whispered conversation with Ron. “Yeah?”







‘Ever eloquent, Harry,’ Snape mused.







“Was Snape acting weird today?”







“Why do you ask?”







“Take a look at the High Table!” exclaimed Seamus.







With trepidation, Severus turned his face to the High Table to observe Minerva and Hermione.







Minerva’s expression would almost pass as normal, but for the fact that her cheeks were stained with blush and she kept darting a questioning eye towards the person she assumed was Severus Snape.















Hermione looked as if she had been hit with a large dose of some illegal love potion. Severus was horrified. His normally sallow face was nearly as red as Minerva. ‘What the hell was that girl thinking?’ He took her uncomfortable position and nearness to Minerva into consideration. ‘I probably don’t want to know,’ he mused, ‘but she simply cannot act like some foolish love-sick puppy in my body!’







Hermione was shifting back and forth in her chair. She desperately needed to recast erectus redeo, but didn’t dare do so in the middle of the Great Hall. Minerva had that lovely gleam in her eyes that told Hermione that she was wearing her favourite outfit under those green robes that had made Hermione call her “Biker Chick McGonagall”. Idly, she wondered if Severus had heard her when she mentioned that Minerva liked leather, or if he’d been to drunk from taking two shots of Firewhiskey in a body that wasn’t used to it. ‘I may be horny and jealous of him right now, but revenge is truly getting sweeter and sweeter. Severus is in for a round of surprises tonight!’ Hermione was practically drooling. It made the figure known to the great hall as ‘the greasy git’ look decidedly odd.







Minerva couldn’t take much more of this. She finally turned and put a hand on Severus’s. He twitched oddly. “Severus, are you alright? Was there a potions accident? You’re acting like someone slipped you a lust potion or some such foolishness.”







Hermione looked deep into Minerva’s eyes and dropped her gaze to her parted lips. ‘Oh, how she wanted to kiss them!’ The sudden intake of breath by Minerva brought her to her senses and she realized where she was. The Great Hall was nearly silent, watching this truly bizarre interaction. Hermione schooled her face into an expressionless mask. “I believe that one of the potions tested today had an adverse reaction, Minerva,” she said, her voice like steel, “I may have to deduct some House Points . . . from Slytherin.” ‘Damn that Draco,’ she thought, ‘raging jealousy or not, I thought that potion tasted stronger than it should have. He put something else in it that had a delayed effect.’ She noticed that Draco wasn’t watching the professors at the moment, but his face had a decidedly red tinge to it; suppressed fury no doubt. ‘Now what was that little snake up to?’







Severus, relieved that Hermione had given up her lustful intentions in public, followed her gaze. ‘So, ickle Malfoy had something to do with this. He’d just have to go to the next potions class . . . or maybe get down to talk to Hermione after the Minerva-experience tonight and find out what was going on. She should still have a sample of Malfoy’s potion left that they could test.’











As the Great Hall cleared out, Severus said goodnight to Harry and Ron, explaining that Professor McGonagall wanted to see her again tonight to discuss a solution to something they had been working on; he figured they wouldn’t really be interested enough to ask what it was, and that afterwards she had to go talk to Professor Snape to ensure she didn’t get detention with Filch.







Harry and Ron nodded, still giggling over the image of Snape about to kiss their Head of House.







Severus sighed. This day couldn’t get much worse. Unfortunately, he was mistaken.











At Minerva’s door, he knocked, and entered at her forthcoming “Come in!”







Severus stared, mouth agape. He nearly forgot to shut the door. Minerva was clad in a full body, tight black leather ensemble, complete with a whip. ‘She wouldn’t dare!’







But it seems that she would.







Severus left for the dungeons several hours later. Minerva had whipped him, leaving red trails down his back and legs which were still rather wobbly. Minerva was an insatiable sex monster. There was no doubt about it; Severus had been thoroughly fucked. ‘Damn this body for liking it when I don’t!’ Severus was thoroughly pissed. But he couldn’t help but wonder what Minerva would say if she learned the truth. That thought would sustain him for the rest of his evenings with the harridan, relishing the thought of making her blush, faint, or die, or better yet, all of the above, when he had his own body back.











Latin Translations:







Erectus Redeo – to reduce or lesson something that is erect

(We know that isn\'t really correct for Latin, but it was the best we could do and it DOES get the point across!)





Adamo simils – to create a feeling to that of having fallen in love.