Mystery Hogwarts Theater

MHT 1.5


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Chapter Five
The dangers of no smut
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“A less than smutty ficlet. It’s supposed to be a break, not that any of you deserve it.” Wormtail was glaring at Ron as he said this but the redhead just smirked.

“You still jealous Voldemort likes me more Rat-face?

“Oh, I should-”

“Send the story!” Voldemort roared. Then: “And get my yarn balls, I have some knitting I need to do.” The screen went blank.

Everyone just blinked, in awe of the fact this was the person they feared and ran in terror of. It was bordering on embarrassing to be honest. Then the yellow light they had all come to hate started flashing.
With groans they all trooped down to the theater.

Once again they all stop to let Seamus grab some stuff while Snape ckedcked the alcohol cabinet he’d discovered at some point. He took a few bottles, and a few glasses, and then everyone headed down into the theater.

[This time the order is Ron, Harry, Seamus, Dean, Snape, and Draco. ]


***Snape and Draco

Ron: Are the biggest Slytherin gits ever?
Seamus: Extremely annoying.
Harry: Know lots of illegal hexs and could kill us all?
Draco: Yes, yes we could.
Snape: *Mildly* Weasley and Finnigan, I expect when this is all over I’ll be seeing a lot of you in detention. Mr. Potter, five points for being intelligent.
Harry: …*blinks* …I’m afraid.

***Snape and Draco sat in Snape\'s office a few minutes right before dinner.

Snape: As opposed to directly before dinner, or promptly or immediately…
Harry: You going somewhere with this?
Snape: If it’s a few minutes before dinner why is the right needed? It’s excessive.

***They had a little secret of their own.

Dean: Instead of one that they shared with everyone around them.
Harry: If it’s a secret does that mean everyone in Hogwarts knows about it?
Ron: Probably.

***They were

Draco: Plotting the Weasel’s demise!
Ron: *Dryly* Fucking.
[Moment of startled silence. Then Ron snorts.]

***in love.

Ron: Ha! I told you.
Draco: o-O

***(Yes, Snape and Draco are in love.)

Snape: We heard it the first time and it makes even less sense the second. It’s…
[Snape looks at Draco who looks at Snape. Again, silence. Then very quickly Snape gets up, walks down a few seats, pushes Ron out and takes the seat. Ron pops a few moments later next to Draco.]
Draco: I feel sick.

***Snape has had feelings for Draco ever since Draco first came to Hogwarts. And Draco has had feelings for Snape ever since his fourth year. (Now he is in his seventh year.)

Snape: So I’m a pedophile? Fantastic. *Takes a long drink from one of his bottles* *to self* His first year…my god.
Draco: *Shudders* Jailbait. I’m fucking jailbait…to Snape. *shakes head*

***Draco was massaging Snape\'s neck as he sat down in his chair grading Gryffindors\' papers.

Draco: Oh my god, I’m touching…eww eww eww!
Snape: Maybe reading the papers of idiots has finally driven me mad.
Seamus: Wait…Draco was massaging you neck as you sat down? Can Draco reach that high…I mean…tall guy he is not.

***He soon came across Harry Potter\'s paper and started to get red in the face.

Ron: So you’ve got a thing for Harry too? You sick sick man you.
SnaDon’Don’t force me to kill you Weasely. You’ll find it long, painful, and thoroughly unpleasant. I promise.
Ron: …sorry.

***Draco saw this and asked, \"What\'s wrong, slick?\"

Snape: *outraged* SLICK?!
Draco: *confused* Slick?
Everyone else: *amused* Slick.
Seamus: Is that a crack about his hair?

***\"That Harry Potter. I hate him so much.

Harry: You know this version of you sounds like a two-year-old. At least you have more to say that ‘I hate him so much’
Snape: Indeed. I loath you Potter, detest you with the passion of a million suns, and wish to see your head cracked open like a watermelon, but never shall I say ‘I hate you so much’ It’s so…five-year-old.
Harry: …you’re drunk aren’t you?
Snape: God willing.

***He took away my glory when I captured Sirus Black.

Snape: Who?
Ron: Must be Sirius’ twin brother or something.
Harry: I suppose. You’d think Sirius would tell me he had a brother.

***I know he had something to do with his escape. If he wasn\'t one of Dumbledore\'s favorite groups of kids, I would of killed him.\"

Harry: Wait…I’m a group of kids?
Ron: That’s how it sounded to me.
Snape: I feel I should say I know Potter let Black get away, but I acknowledge it had to be done. *growl* and if I were going to kill you I’d be descriptive about it.
Harry: Sadist.
Snape: Yes.
us: us: I don’t get it…He would *of* killed him? Does the author mean have?
Dean: Most likely.

***\"Hey, not without me.\" Draco said sounding offended.

Draco: Uh, I don’t like you, but I don’t want to kill you.
Harry: I appreciate that.

***\"I\'m sorry, I meant we could ofled led him together.\" Snape said as he took Draco by the hand, pulled him down, and kissed his lips.

[Everyone screams while Draco faints. Severus sighs and takes a very long, deep drink from his bottle. Then another, and another. Finally he sighs again and things continue)

***(I know, most people would be like \"eeewww\" I would just like to say, I know exa how how you feel. I can\'t believe I wrote this.)

Dean: Then why did you!? And why must you share this sick story with the world!? Why can we not be spared you’re insanity!? WHY!!!?
Seamus: Just be glad you aren’t kissing Snape.
Dean: …You have a point.

***When Snape and Draco stopped kissing they looked at each other slyly and smiled.

Harry: Fore they knew they had successfully driven half of thudenudent body to suicide with that display, Harry Potter included.
Seamus: The other half went to wank off.
Ron: It’s scary but true.

***Snape and Draco went into Snape\'s bedroom and started to strip for each other.

Snape: There is simply not enough alcohol in the world for this story. *Continues to drink anyway*
Harry: So why’re you still drinking?
Snape: I’m hoping for alcohol poisoning.

***When they had finished stripping they started to do it. Snape pinned Draco to the bed and started to give him an orgasm.

Snape: *twitches* Whose sick and twisted idea was this anyway? It’s horrible writing and its sickening.
Harry: Voldemort was right, we’re all going to go mad.
Snape: *Blinks* I refuse to let that knitting idiot drive me insane. Refuse.

***Draco moaned loudly and made faces as they kept on going.

Snape: …Maybe exceptions can be made.
Ron: No shit he made faces, he’s…with Snape.

***Anyway.

Dean: Can you just…bust out an ‘anyway’ in the middle of a story? Seriously?
Seamus: Probably not…

***Outside the door of Snape\'s room. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Harry were walking past the room on their way to dinner, when they heard the moaning.

Snape: Since when are the dungeons on the way to the Great Hall?
Harry: I don’t know…but I know if I heard moaning I’d run. Fast.

***\"Umm. O.k.. That just doesn\'t sound right.\" Hermione said as they stopped right in front of Snape\'s door.

Ron: Don’t stop! Teacher, sex, eww! Run!
Dean: Thank god we aren’t in this one.
Seamus: Yay, back to being unscathed.

***\"What are they doing?\" Ron asked.

Seamus: Are you really that naïve Ron?
Ron: *Sneer* No, I think anyone could figure out what’s going on. No one would want to figure it out, but they could.
Harry: This story is traumatizing to small children.

***Harry, Ginny, and Hermione looked at Ron and with a \"hello-It\'s-kind-obvious-you-dumb-idiot\" look on their faces.

Snape: You Gryffindor’s are really very good at saying things with your faces.
Harry: It’s a very special skill. Once I had an entire conversation with McGonagall by just raising my eyebrows.

***\"Oh. Duh.\" Ron said as he hit himself on the head, \"Gross. But, who\'s in there?\"

Dean: Hurting yourself Ron? You should see someone about that.
Harry: Bugger that, he should see someone about all of this American Slang he’s suddenly so fluent in.
Ron: I have to agree with Harry on this one. My self-harm tendencies will have to wait for another day.
Seamus: Do you really want to know whose in there? In, yn, you know on of then is Snape…why

***\"Yeah, well.\" Harry said, \"Let\'s go to diner and leave whatever is going on in there out of our minds.\"
\"They should have a sound-proof room for that. Whoever\'s in there.\"

Harry: Finally, I’m showing some form of intelligence! A me that’s…at least close to me.
Snape: Two sentences that would make more sense if they were one.
Dean: What are the odds that a bunch of wizards know about sound-proofing? Silencing charms sure, but an actual sound-proof room?

***Ginny said as they started to walk to the Great Hall. After dinner they walked back the way they came

Snape: Knowing full well what was going on?
Harry: I take it back, this me has no intelligence. And why are we going by the dungeons anyway? Have we suddenly transferred to Slytherin?
Seamus: I suppose that would explain it.

*** and Ginny felt very hyper and she decided to sneak into Snape\'s room and see what was going on.

Ron: Not again! Why is my sister such a sex-obsessed idiot!? WHY?!?
Harry: Not to mention hyper and bi-polar and a man.
Ron: Hum? Oh yeah, all of that too. I think I need to be alone.

***\"Ginny what are you doing?\" Harry asked as he saw Ginny walk over to Snape\'s door

Ron: And why the hell aren’t we stopping her?
Harry: Temporary insanity. I’d at least offer my invisibility cloak.
Ron: *Shudders* Is it wrong to wish I could gouge out my eyes.
Seamus: No.

***\"I\'m going to see.\" Ginny said as she slowly opened the door. The moaning seemed louder, now that the door was open and Ginny struggled really hard not to laugh.

Dean: At what, her own perverted insanity? Or the fact she was apparently a pepping tom? Because this isn’t’ really…funny…at all.

***\"Ginny get back here.\" Ron and Hermione hissed.
Ginny ignored them and followed the moaning.

Snape: And no one tried to stop her?
Harry: I told you, temporary insanity. If Ginny wants to watch our potions professor go at it, we just nod and accept it.

***She peeked behind a corner and saw Snape on Draco as they were tongue-kissing.

Snape: *tosses an empty bottle aside and begins on a new one*

***Ginny\'s jaw dropped and she stared at the two of them.

Seamus: Finding the entire scene disgusting. She then turned and ran for all she was worth, hoping desperately to purge this image from her mind.
Snape: Very nice ending Mr. Finnigan. Wishful thinking at it’s best.
Ron: *to himself* Please don’t let her get involved, please don’t let her get involved, dear god, please don’t let her get involved.
Dean: …I think *that’s* wishful thinking at its best.
Snape: Indeed it is.

***She was just out of her mind so she just started to strip and jumped onto the bed with Draco and Snape.

Ron: *Starts sobbing*
Harry: Oh…shit. Ron, calm down, it’s okay. Its just a story, Ginny would never-
Ron: Why do they all think my baby sister is some kind of whore!?! It doesn’t make sense!

***\"Ginny what are you doing here?\" Draco asked.

Seamus: {As Ginny} I…don’t know. What the hell is going on? HELP!
Dean: {As Ginny} Trying to give my brother a heart attack. You didn’t think I’d really want to sleep with you did you?
Harry: …nice try, he’s still crying.
Dean: Oh…we tried.

***\"Shut up and give me all you\'ve got!\" Ginny said as she kissed Draco. The three of them just started to do a three-way.

Snape: Is he going to be alright?
Ron: *Rocking back and forth, babbling incoherently*
Harry: Erhm…I don’t know. Ron, please

***Outside.. Harry, Ron, Hermione were just staring at the door and listening to the noise coming from the room.

Harry: Contemplating what horrible friends we are? Bloody brilliant isn’t it?

***\"I\'m going to bed now.\" Said Hermione.
\"I\'m going to sleep, too.\" Ron said.
\"Me, too. Hopefully, when I wake up, I would of forgotten all about this.\" Harry said as they walked away.

Seamus: Please tell me it’s almost over. I can’t take much more of this. Its ceased to be even mildly amusing.
Dean: Yep. Hey, has Harry developed the ability to look in the future and knows he won’t forget this?
Seamus: Nah, just really bad grammar.
Dean: Ahh.

***As they walked away, they did not notice Colin and Denis Creevy sneak into Snape\'s room and take pictures. Ginny, Draco, and Snape were too busy, doing their thing to realize that they were being photographed.

Dean: What the hell was that?! How random…oh my gods. *Shakes head*

The End (review please.)

Seamus: That was so fucking horrible, please kill yourself and donate all of your organs, save your brain, which you must give to science so they can observe it.
Harry: Do these people even know anything about us besides our names? I mean…are they even trying? Look what they’ve done to Ron. [Still crying softly] And Malfoy [Yep, still passed out.] And Professor Snape [Very calmly drinking himself into a stupor]
Dean: Please, Miss Author, read the damn books.
[Somewhere, again, the fourth wall cracks]


I know, not funny, but it was too fucking…traumatizing. I though, because it was smut free, it’d be easier to digest. I was wrong, so very wrong. *Weeps*