The Secret Diary of Severus Snape

A/N: Huge thanks to Roolark for her excellent beta and to Fara/Kyryn for giving this a once over. All the mistakes are mine.

Entries 37-45

1/1/1976

What is it that comes over us on New Year’s? What’s so different? It’s just a day, really. What will 1976 bring that will be so great? Why do we have to think about 1975 and miss it? What’s there to miss? Perhaps the time before I got in orbit around planet Lucius. Happy, uncomplicated times when a harsh word from him would not be a mortal wound.

He came to me and wished me a happy new year. Isn’t he aware of how much it depends on him? I wanted a kiss but we were in the Great Hall and even though I think too many people know about us already, snogging under their noses might be a bit much.


Will he come? He said he would.

2.1.1976

I was asleep when he came to my bed, yesterday. I couldn’t wake up completely, it was just too late for me.

He was drunk. I’ve no idea of where he found the firewhiskey. I can procure it at a reasonable price. In fact so low that I hardly make any money, most goes to Filch. Which is only fair, he does most of the work, anyway. Lucius has never come to me for drink, he seems to have an unending supply.

I don’t like him when he’s drunk. He’s vicious. Last night he wasn’t. He just climbed into bed with me and went on and on about burdens and about that sick French fuck who was laughing at him. He wouldn’t say about what. I suspect it was about me.

He smelt strange. Not just the drink, he smelt like he had been smoking and he doesn’t smoke. At least I don’t think so. And he sounded strange. Almost as though he was crying but I couldn’t be sure. He wouldn’t let me turn to face him.

3.1.1976

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to think. I keep telling myself it was a dream but I don’t stay convinced for long.

I wanted to write a letter to Evan but I don’t want him to worry about me. Should he be worried about me?

I need to start somewhere.

It happened yesterday. He came to me after dinner. I ate alone, he was with Stefan again. That sick French fuck he’s supposed to hate. He looked at me from time to time. A couple of times he smiled. Stefan caught one of my answering smiles and gave me a pitying look. His hand disappeared under the table. Lucius stopped it after a while. His expression had remained perfectly composed. Stefan shot me another look then, full of venom.

I found it much easier to clear my plate after that.

Lucius got up. I wondered whether he would acknowledge me as he passed me by. I never know what he’ll do. I felt his hand between my shoulder blades. He spoke without looking at me. I’m not sure what his exact words were. I knew the meaniI alI always do.


So less than an hour later, there I was on top of him. Firmly impaled on his prick, of course. I doubt he’ll ever let me top. I liked having him under me, even like that. All white, perfect skin, hair spread on his pillow, the silvery gold contrasting with the dark green silk of his sheets… Slytherin colours. Slytherins fucking in style.


He wouldn’t move, he didn’t even buck under me, letting me fuck myself on him. I couldn’t feel him as deeply as I wanted but there was some excitement at the control I had. He stared up at me, serene as I moved faster and faster, as I sweated and begged him to touch me. I had to do that as well, press into my fist, as I tried to keep my balance with my other hand.


Control was not worth the discomfort in my thighs but I couldn’t feel the burning just then. I’m not much of a sportsman, I’ll be the first to admit, and it seems that the bedroom is no exception.

He couldn’t remain impassive through it all, not after I came all over myself and him, clenching around him hard. I was loud, I just let myself go and nearly screamed and there was finally some reaction from him. His nails dug into my buttocks as he pressed me down on him. His face contorted and he cried out my name. Once. He did, I know he did. He turned and bit on his pillow as he released… whatever else he may have said was muffled.


My legs were cramping but he held on to me so tightly I couldn’te. Ie. I lay on top of him, bent double, my face pressed on his sweat-soaked hair, which had nearly covered the pillow.


“Lucius,” I whispered. “Please let go.”

He didn’t seem to hear me so I asked him again. He breathed in sharply, as though he had just woken up and practically pushed me off him. I stretched by his side on the tiny space he had left me on the bed, careful not to fall off.

He was breathing heavily, his eyes shut, his fists clenched by his sides. There was blood on them and I thought for a moment he was clenching so hard that the nails had bitten into his flesh but a pair of matching red stripes on my bum suggested that it was my blood under his nails.

I couldn’t just stay and look at him. He scared me. I tried to speak to him but my throat was dry. He didn’t react when I climbed off the bed.

I stayed under the shower for a while. I wanted my eyes to stop leaking before I would face Lucius again. The water was steaming hot but I was shivering.

I was about to finally get out when Lucius joined me. I hadn’t heard him and I yelped as he drew me to his chest. I nearly lost my balance but he kept us both on our feet.

He pushed me against the tiled wall. My teeth rattled at the impact. His whole body was pressing on me from behind. He was semi-hard already. I wasn\'t. I was sore, confused, wet and shivering. Aroused was definitely not on the list, yet I bent before him. Why should the simple fact that I felt as though he had turned me inside out matter in the least?

Pain. I didn\'t think he would do it. No preparation at all, he just shoved it inside. He started moving in me and the friction was anything but welcome. I couldn\'t keep back a cry as I felt the skin tear. He pulled on my hair hard and pressed again. My skin was wet, raw. I thought I might faint at any moment.

Rape is a harsh word. I will not use it. I didn’t ask him to stop. Perhaps because I was afraid he wouldn’t.


He reached over and took me in hand but I couldn’t oblige him. He kept trying… nothing. He buried his face on the nape of my neck. His breath hitched. I realised I was not the only one who was crying. However, I was much more quiet. I suppose I have father to thank about that.


He pulled back from me abruptly. I straightened with difficulty, holding onto the slippery wall. I couldn’t see too well in the steam. He was on his knees, still hard, his head bowed.


There was blood. On me. On him. Pink against the white tiles as water washed it away. I didn’t need to look to know it was running in a thin rivulet down my leg.


I faced the wall again. I couldn’t bear to look at him like that. My heartbeat quickened when I felt his hand on the back of my knees, moving up to my thighs, stroking the wet skin. It wasn’t over.


His mouth joined in the caress. We must have looked so stupid… There I was, leanin the the wall, shivering, bleeding and there he was behind me, stroking and kissing his way up with his hands, his mouth, the wet strands of his hair.

He went on, higher and higher… I thought he’d stop at my balls. I don’t know what former lover found pleasure in getting his balls sucked whole, it’s certainly not me. A small lick is not unwelcome but the other thing feels only a step removed from castration.


He remembered, it seems, and abandoned the Snape family jewels afterouplouple of licks. And then…


I didn’t know that was possible. I’d never even imagined it. I told him to stop, feeling my face flush in embarrassment. My body had a different idea, bending, pushing back eagerly into the wet, warm tongue. Soothing on the abused skin, a pleasant itch, a sweet pain… I can’t describe it.

He had sense enough to hold me up. My prick was rock hard, the head brushing against his arm that he’d slipped around my waist.


My legs felt as though they’d been deboned. He kept on, pushing his tongue inside, fucking me with it. I was open. I was his. Anything he wanted… I suspect I was actually telling him all that. I know for sure that I was blabbering like an idiot though I don’t remember what the hell I was saying.


He went on forever. Broad swipes of his tongue on the puckered skin followed by little thrusts inside. I hardly touched myself and I came, sagging against his arm.


He cleaned me up quickly and carried me to his bed. He was hard. I thought he\'d want me to reciprocate somehow but he took care of it himself. He kissed me as he came.


I woke up a while later. My arm had fallen asleep under his body. He was holding on to me tightly.


\"Don\'t go!\" he murmured.


I had a sudden urge to somersault around the room but settled for finally gettmy hmy hand from under him and rubbing it to start the blood flow again.


Every time I moved he would hold onto me tighter and as much as that pleased me, it also kept me from getting any sleep.


\"You\'re still here,\" I heard him say during one of my struggles for a comfortable position. I was about to say that he was holding on to me so tightly I couldn\'t really go anywhere when he let go, turned his back to me and told me to bugger off.

I shouldn\'t have let him get away with it but I was too tired and shocked to do anything about it, I suppose.


I wasn\'t very careful as I was getting back to my dorm. Jigger caught me. A very drunk Jigger if my nose was not deceiving me.


\"Making the rounds again, Snape?\"


I mumbled an apology. I was asleep on my feet. He reached and got a hold of my robes. He pulled me to him until our noses were almost touching.


\"I\'ll let you off this time but I would recommend caution. Your father asks about you, you know. I\'m sure that telling him his son is the belle of the Slytherin dormitories would not go too well.\"


My, what big teeth you have, Professor Jigger…


\"Tell him whatever you want,\" I answered, keeping my eyes locked with his.


I know what I saw in his expression. I know what was making his voice hoarse, and it wasn\'t anger. I took a step forward and felt him against my thigh, warm and hard. He pulled back from me, so forcefully he bumped his head on the wall behind him.


\"Get out of my sight,\" he whispered but it may well have been \"drop on your knees and suck me off,\" from his tone.


I left him. Poor Jigger. It seems that he\'s discovering the paedophile in him. Next time he brings up my father I\'ll know what to do.


If only all I had to worry about were Jigger… What am I going to do about Lucius?


5/1/1976

He always does that! He left all homework until the last day! School is opening again tomorrow. I asked him whether I could help him so we\'d find some time to be together but he said no. I wonder what brought on this sudden attack of scruples. I think he\'s lying about being busy. He just doesn\'t want to be with me.

I just wanted to see him. We wouldn’t be doing anything. I didn’t like the look Pomfrey gave me when I limped past her this morning and I’d rather not go to her in need of that sort of medical attention. What would I tell her, that I accidentally sat on Lucius’ prick?


6/1/1976

Evan asked me about Lucius. I told him we\'re simply fucking. Lestrange also expressed a certain interest. I suspect he is participating in the betting pool on how long it will be before Lucius moves on.


Avery asked me for credit. He couldn\'t pay for his potions essay. Why doesn\'t that surprise me? Since second year Lestrange has been cleaning him out on the train. Les is not even a particularly good card thief but for someone who can spot the Snitch a mile away, Avery still manages to miss what\'s happening under his very nose on the ground. Although his stupidity should not be tolerated I gave him credit. I\'m too kind for my own good sometimes.

12/1/1976

First week back from the holidays was relatively painless. Lucius is still avoiding me.

I’m such a fucking liar… It was hell. It is hell.


Evan pretends to be concerned for me but I know he hopes it’s over. There was no big tearful scene with Lucius, he didn’t tell me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, not in so many words.


It’s been only a week, his friends are back, my friends are back… perhaps I’m overreacting.


15/1/1976

Avery asked me whether it’s over between Lucius and me. I know Lestrange made him come and ask me so he’d see what his chances are with that bet.


Good to know my friends are so compassionate now in my time of need. I hexed Avery so he’s probably going to report that it is over. He’s probably right. I only wish someone had told me sooner.


16/1/1976

Quidditch practice had an interesting turn today. As Lucius attempted to steal the quaffle from Evan, Evan flung himself at him. They both fell off their brooms. Luckily Jigger managed to levitate them before they hit the ground. Evan was still punching Lucius even as they were slowly landing.


My Evan? Was that really my Evan? Jigger gave him a week’s worth of deton, on, staring pointedly at me. I suspect he knows exactly what my role is in all this.

Lucius refused to go to the Infirmary for his bloody lip and healed it himself with a flick of his wand. I tried to get to him to apologise for what Evan did but he looked past me and left with Stefan and his other friends.


17/1/1976

Evan came to find me at the student lab yesterday evening, exhausted from two hours of gutting newts. I was waiting for him. I was angry, I had every right to be angry but he looked so miserable I felt my rage evaporate the moment I laid eyes on him.

“You cry in your sleep, youw? Yw? You call out his name,” were his first words, in lieu of explanation or perhaps apology for what he had done.

I didn’t want to believe Evan but I had felt my pillow wet under my cheeks in the morning often enough this past week.

“He doesn’t love you, Sev. He doesn’t love anyone.”

Suddenly I was seeing two Evans, four… countless. I closed my eyes tig but but couldn’t stop the torrent that broke through. All of it… the pain, the humiliation… it was just too much for me.

I said everything to Evan. Everything that happened during the holidays. It felt as though I were coughing up my insides. He put his arms around me. I was doubled over in my chair and he pressed his head on my shoulder and stroked my hair until I had stopped snivelling. I doubt he made much sense of what I told him.

He was warm. I needed that warmth.pushpushed back my hair and kissed my neck gently. I struggled in his arms. I didn’t want it to be about that.

He shushed me and continued moving lower. Kissing, licking, softly biting… My neck is very sensitive. I thought I wouldn’t react but my body didn’t much care about the fact that Evan is my friend, first and foremost, and I don’t want to lead him on.

I stilled his hand as it reached my crotch. I was hard, he didn’t have to touch me to know that. And he really shouldn’t have read more into it.

“Relax. I learnt some things during the holidays. One of our servants was very accommodating.”

“Not a house elf, I hope.”

He chuckled. “You’re disgusting! No, it was our caretaker’s son.”

I do not know what expectations the caretaker’s son must have had in the cocksucking department but Evan’s technique left a lot to be desired. He was, however, quite enthusiastic.

I should have stopped him instead of shifting under him, guiding him gently and whispg myg my encouragement. However, I couldn’t resist the distraction he was offering. He alternated between soft, gentle licks and taking the head in his mouth and sucking on it. It took a while, his rhythm was erratic, nothing like Lucius\' steady build up.

Lucius… the thought of him was certainly not helping things at all…

It got too frustrating. I pushed his head back and stroked myself hard, sagging on my chair as I came. I looked around for something to clean me up. Evan was staring up at me, in silence. A tear trickled down his cheek to join a drop of my spunk. I felt about an inch tall. I cleaned myself up and then him. He didn’t get up. I tucked myself inside again. I didn’t know what to say. Evan was still crying silently.

I heard the door open. That gargoyle is not to be trusted! It had assured it it wouldn’t let anyone in. I should have asked it myself… Evan turned his eyes to the floor, prdingding to be looking for something.

It was Remus Lupin, along with another boy from his little gang, the fat one… I never remember his name, not that I’ve had much reason to use it, shithead works just fine for me.

“Looks like we’re interrupting something, Remus!” the shithead said with a snigger.

Lupin sniffed the air then gave a long hard look at me and Evan, who was slowly getting up.

I started to gather my things.

“You don’t have to leave, there’s room for everyone,” Lupin said politely.

That’s him. Always polite. Even to Slytherins. He manages to be polite even as he blasts me with his wand at Defence. It’s as though he’s living in a different world, half the time.

The shithead laughed again and said we should better leave unless we wanted an audience. Evan told him to shut the fuck up, raising his fists. Lupin ordered his pet shithead to be quiet.

I could feel Lupin’s eyes on me as I quickly cleaned up and left. Evan shook off my arm as I was leading him outside. The shithead sniggered again.

I ate alone. I should be used to it, by now. Avery was a bit unhappy still about that hex even though his scales are almost gone now, Lestrange was taking Avery’s side in this and, understandably, Evan was quite upset about what had happened in the Potions lab.

It seems that my life is one fuck up after the other.