Truth Imprisoned

Author's note: Sorry for the delay in updating. Exams, holidays and work have meant that I've focussed my writing time on my novel, which is now finished! I need to go over it before I send it to any publishers or anything like that, but I've finished the hard part. That means I should have more time for fanfics from now on.

***

The house seemed exceedingly empty now that Ron had left. Although most of the guests had left the day after the party, some had stayed longer. Remus had gone back home the day before, and now Ron was gone, the last to leave.

Harry wandered the garden, staying close to the house in case the clouds released the rain they'd been threatening all day. He was thinking about Sirius. Again. Having company had helped, but not completely. Harry still found himself looking at Sirius, admiring the trim body and firm muscles. He still found himself having the dreams, though a silencing charm meant that he didn't wake anyone else any more.

Possibilities had been chasing themselves round Harry's mind for at least an hour and the walk was doing nothing to clear his head. The only thing he was certain of was that he liked Sirius. A lot. He wanted Sirius and he knew that Sirius wanted him. Put together, it should be fairly simple. Yes, there was the possibility that acting on their desires would damage their relationship, but so could doing nothing and letting this tension fester. Harry had to try something.

He walked back to the house purposely. He wasn't sure this would help, but he had to try something. His stomach was performing contortionist tricks and his heart was doing the tap dance in his chest. Nervous didn't cover how he was feeling, but he hoped he kept most of his feelings off his face.

He found Sirius in the lounge, sitting at one end of the large sofa. The wireless was playing some documentary on muggle views of magic that had Sirius laughing. Harry paused in the doorway to admire Sirius' face and the way his smile made his eyes light up. As though sensing his presence, Sirius looked up, his smile broadening as he saw Harry.

"What's up?" Nothing was up at the moment, but if Harry kept staring there was a certain part of his anatomy that would be.

"Oh, I've just been thinking." Harry crossed the room to sit next to Sirius. With the sofa the size it was, there was no need for him to be as close as he was.

"Don't strain yourself," Sirius teased. His tone was light, but Harry had noticed that Sirius had pulled away slightly so they weren't so close.

"I've been thinking about what you said about Remus, the first day we moved here." Harry shifted sideways to look at Sirius, causing his legs to swing round, completely accidentally of course, so that his knees were brushing against Sirius'.

"What about it?" Sirius' voice was a croak and a bulge told Harry that this closeness was having the desired effect.

"Friendship with a lot of great sex." Harry smiled, looking up at Sirius from under his eyelashes. Sirius gulped several times, pressed into the arm of the sofa in a need to get further away from Harry. His mouth opened and shut, but only a strangled groan emerged from it.

"I know you want me, Sirius," Harry whispered, leaning in. He wasn't exactly experienced at this, but Sirius' groin was responding even if the rest of him wasn't.

Sirius was still a frozen statue as Harry brought his face towards him. Their lips met and, for a moment, us rus responded eagerly to the kiss. This kiss contained so much more passion than the one he had shared with Cho. This one was filled with promises of more interesting things to come.

Then Sirius pulled away suddenly. He was off the sofa in a flash, staggering back from Harry with a hand over his mouth and a horrified expression on his face. He was shaking his head numbly as he stared at Harry, who was still sitting and now feeling distinctly bewildered.

"We can't," Sirius said, "I can't."

Maybe Harry should have tried just talking first. He took a deep breath and stood, doing what he probably should have done to begin with.

"Sirius," he said, "I care about you a great deal. I don't want to change things between us, but I like you. And I know you like me. Let's just . . . give it a try."

"I can't," Sirius whispered, but Harry wasn't entirely sure which of the two he was trying to convince, "I'd be taking advantage."

"No, you wouldn't," Harry answered, "I'm not sure I want to play bondage games or anything like that, but I want this." He was right in front of Sirius now and leaned in for another kiss. This time, though, hdn'tdn't manage it.

Sirius pulled away from Harry and fled the room.

Harry muttered a few choice curses under his breath as he sank down onto the sofa again and buried his head in his hands. Not exactly the way he'd hoped things would go. He didn't understand what had gone wrong. He knew that Sirius wanted him, fantasised about him. Why would he refuse?

Because he thought he was taking advantage? That Harry was doing this because he felt he had to? Harry wished things could be, for once, less complicated.

***

Sirius was pacing his room in frustration, trying to banish from his mind that kiss, more wonderful than anything he could have imagined. He wanted to taste Harry again, to explore that deep mouth until he knew every crevasse. He wanted to take Harry in his arms and devour him.

But it wasn't enough.

He couldn't just fool around with Harry, a little fun before he found a serious relationship. What happened when Harry decided he wanted to settle down with someone his own age? Sirius knew that loosing Harry after being allowed this would destroy him. Better not to know.

It had been fun with Remus, harmless games. It could never be the same way with Harry. Remus was a friend, probably the closest Sirius had ever known apart from James, but Sirius had never felt for him what he felt now for Harry. This desperate need to take Harry and claim him forever as his own was too strong. If Sirius allowed himself to get close to what he wanted so much, he would lose what little control remained to him.

He would destroy Harry and shatter completely the trust that was between them.

Sirius sat down on his bed and buried his head in his hands, only just becoming aware of the tears flowing down his cheeks. He would push Harry away. It would hurt him, but it was better than the other option. Sirius knew that if he ever had Harry in that playroom, kneeling submissively before him, it would no longer be a game.

***

Harry lay on his bed, angrily flicking through the pages of the book Hermione had given him. He wasn't actually taking in any of the words, but it gave his hands something to do while his mind raged.

He just didn't get it. Sirius wanted him, but refused, even when Harry had told him that he wanted it too. Why the hell couldn't Sirius just put them both out of their misery? What was he afraid of?

Harry's eyes scanned down a page, barely registering the large warnings that accompanied the potion's recipe. Sirius was aroused whenever Harry was near him and Harry knew that. Sirius knew that he knew so why would he bother trying to hide it? Why couldn't he just let Harry in? If they tried it they might both find that they enjoyed it. It wouldn't change the way they felt about each other.

Just what did Sirius want?

As Harry glared down at the book in his hands, his brain finally realised what it was he had read. He turned back a couple of pages to the potion where the warnings took up more space than the recipe, which was quite a feat given how complex the potion was.

The warnings went on not just about what could happen if it wasn't brewed properly, but also about what could go wrong if the potion did what it was intended for. Disastrous consequences were a possibility if he made this. But disastrous consequences were a possibility if he didn't.

He could start making it and then, if things worked out between himself and Sirius anyway, he would never need to use it. It would take long enough to make it so that he could consider all the possibilities and make absolutely certain before he risked using it.

But he couldn't make it here.

He collected together his cauldron and Ron's present, carrying them out of the house. He wasn't quite sure where he could go, until he came across the little clump of trees and the tree house above them. He could change the password, ensure that only he would be able to access it. A quick levitation charm sent his things up and he climbed the ladder after them.

He sent a silent thank you to Ron and Hermione for their present, and then began to gather together the ingredients he needed. Hopefully, in a week, he would know what was going on in Sirius' head. He would know what he needed to do to make things right between them.

He just hoped Sirius would be able to forgive him.