Book of Shadows

5

It isn\'t until early Monday morning that Harry and Crookshanks finally emerge from the Forbidden Forest. The moon is high in the sky and the stars are winking merrily but at the Eastern corner, the sky is turning a light shade of purple and Harry can make out the barest sign of the rising sun. Crookshanks is trotting beside him; his belly flopping back and forth as he chases crickets and Harry realizes just how much of a cat he really was.

Harry stops a few feet from the edge and stares near the vicinity of Dumbledore\'s office. He is still angry that such beauty should be kept from the rest of the school yet he feels honored that he was allowed access to it. His mind shifts to his encounter with Snape and he clutches his book tightly. He puts on his Invisibility cloak and whistles to Crookshanks who turns and cocks his head. Harry forgets that Crookshanks can see him through the cloak. They start again towards the school and on the steps Harry lifts the cat into his arms. He doesn\'t want to risk anyone seeing either of them. Stealth fully, he slips inside, idly pets Crookshanks to keep him quiet. He holds his breath as they thr through empty corridors. Everyone is asleep so all he worries about is running into a teacher but mostly Snape. He is known for combing the hallways just as closely as Mr. Filch, neither of whom Harry wishes to meet tonight.

Crookshanks is patient in his arms and doesn\'t move a whisker. He understands what\'s going on and can feel the anxiety coming off the human boy in waves. He has always been fascinated by humans, especially the ones that can become als.als. They smell interesting. He is amused that the human boy feels the need to protect him when he is quite capable of taking care of himself. No one looks twice at a cat wandering the hallways at night; Crookshanks should know, he does it all the time. But he stays still anyway and plays along to placate the human boy. Besides, the fish yesterday really was divine.

Harry doesn\'t let go of Crookshanks until they\'re safely inside the Tower. He pulls off the cloak and takes several deep breathes to calm his heart before climbing the stairs to the dormitory. He needs to hide his book before anyone wakes up. Crookshanks follows him up the stairs and jumps onto his bed. Harry puts an Obscuring charm on his book and hides it in the very bottom of his trunk along with his bag of charcoal. With his mind at ease, he takes a shower to rid his body of the rogue coal smudges. He feels refreshed and alive, but nothing like how it was in the forest. Later, he\'ll draw it a thousand times and he can\'t wait until he has paint so he can bring the scenery to life in color.

He dresses and climbs onto his bed to wait for his roommates to wake up and leave for breakfast. He already ate the last bit of food he had while he was still in the forest and he knows that food just won\'t taste the same now that he\'s back in the castle. He takes his knife out as he hears sheets rustling and quickly closes his curtain to obscure himself from view. Humming ever so softly, he cuts pretty designs into his arm. A fat rose blooms on the canvas of his skin and he can\'t help but smile. There is minimal bloodshed but just the feel of the cold metal against his skin is enough. He doesn\'t find it ironic at all that he didn\'t feel the need to cut while he was away in the forest.

He is oblivious as Ron, Neville, Seamus, and Dean leave for breakfast. He will wait patiently for them to return to get their bags and then he will emerge for class. He\'s almost sure that every teacher has been told to watch for him, send him to Dumbledore\'s office as soon as he shows up again. Maybe he should\'ve stayed in the forest forever but that morning the air had been thinner than usual, a silent push that it was time for him to go; he was no longer welcome. Sighing, Harry lies down and pets Crookshanks until he purrs loudly and crushes his flat nose against Harry\'s chin. \"I\'m going to miss you when the year ends. You\'ll go home with Hermione and I\'ll probably never see you again.\" He\'s not that surprised that the cat has wormed his way into Harry\'s heart and he thinks that perhaps he\'ll buy his own cat just to have a feline companion again.

The clock in the common room strikes 8:30 and the boys come back to collect their things. They\'re laughing and joking together and Harry doesn\'t feel remorse anymore. They are still children who will be thrust into the great womb of the world. Harry is prepared, he is no longer a child and for that he is almost grateful. After the boys leave, Harry re-packs his bag and follows them at a safe distance to his first class.

\"Harry! Mr. Potter!\"

He stops and turns, looks down into the bright eyes of Professor Flitwick. \"Hello Professor.\"

\"Hello! You missed class on Friday. Were you sick? Never mind, it doesn\'t matter. I enjoyed your paper on Invisibility Charms. The next one is due on Friday on a topic we\'ve covered this year of your choosing. I look forward to reading it. Oh and before I forget, Dumbledore asked me to send you to him if I saw you. Well, he told everyone on the staff. You\'re a hot commodity today, my boy. See you in class.\" Flitwick scurries away with his arms full of parchment before Harry gets the chance to say anything. But it\'s always hard to get a word in edgewise when speaking with Professor Flitwick.

Harry chuckles and turns to go to Dumbledore\'s office. He knows what the meeting is about. He\'s never known anyone who deliberately skipped a day of classes so he\'s not sure what the punishment will be. Whatever it is, he is sure he can handle it. Humming cheerfully, he guesses the password for a few minutes before the Gargoyle hops aside and Harry is admitted. He bops back and forth as the staircase propels him upwards. He progresses to whistling as he opens the door to Dumbledore\'s office and steps in. As he expected, the room is empty. \"Hello Fawkes,\" he greets and sits comfortably in the chair set in front of the Headmaster\'s desk. Fawkes squawks back at him and flutters to the arm of his chair. Harry pets his head absentmindedly before Dumbledore descends from the stairs and sits behind his desk. Harry watches his face intently, notices that the old man\'s eyes aren\'t twinkling and he looks grave. As though someone has died, he thinks.

\"You skipped classes on Friday without due cause.\" Harry doesn\'t move, he only blinks and stares. He knows his idiot act won\'t go over as well with the Headmaster as it does with Snape but he can try anyway. Besides, nothing he can say will save him now so he just smiles sweetly. \"On top of that you completely disappeared until this morning.\" Harry realizes that Dumbledore\'s knowledge does not extend past the borders of Hogwarts. He lost track of Harry when he disappeared into the Forbidden Forest. Dumore ore was worried about him. Harry continues to stroke Fawkes as Dumbledore stares back at him.

Who is this boy who only a year ago would\'ve done anything I asked him to? Where is the boy who used to play Quidditch and laugh with his friends? Where is the boy I knew so well? But you didn\'t know him, Albus, not really. To you he was a weapon of mass destruction that if molded correctly, could do whatever you wanted him to do. And you\'ve destroyed everything this boy ever wanted. You took away everything. You\'re a fool, Albus.

Harry watches as Dumbledore\'s eyes begin to shimmer but not in a way he ever remembers seeing. Dumbledore clears his throat and looks away from him. \"Harry, the N.E.W.T.s are next week. You can\'t afford to miss any more classes. If you miss anymore, you will be exempt. Is that understood?\"

He almost laughs. \"That\'s it? I get a tap on the knuckles?\" Harry shakes his head and gets up.

\"Sit. There is one more matter to discuss. On Friday I saw a mark on your arm.\"

Harry manages to look embarrassed. \"Run in with a knife in Potion\'s last Wednesday.\" He\'s lucky that Dumbledore isn\'t as good at detecting lies as Snape is. Or maybe Harry is still a little naive enough to believe that he can still one-up the Headmaster. Either way he shrugs and smiles and hopes Dumbledore doesn\'t ask to see because more marks have been added since then, just this morning even and such careful diligence is never an accident.

\"Very well. Go to your classes. And if you are given detention, show up this time.\"

Harry does laugh this time and leaves. He doesn\'t stop until he\'s safely away from Dumbledore\'s office and he lets out a hysterical chuckle as he grasps his arm and traces the scars and fresh cuts with his thumb. He would cast a concealment charm on it if he weren\'t so proud of it. Maybe he leaves the charm off because he wants someone to see. He thinks it\'s bizarre and makes his way to History of Magic.

He slips in unnoticed. The teachers have been informed that he might be late for class. So he sits in the empty desk in the very back and doodles on his parchment because he already knows the textbook by heart. He knows all of his textbooks by heart. He hums softly to himself while Professor Binns drones on about Grindelwald and Harry recites the text inside his head word for word. He wonders if he could skip the next week of classes and still pass his N.E.W.T.s. But he\'s done with taking risks so he just waits for class to end.

He has a study hall next so he takes his time leaving the classroom and finds himself in the library. He sits at a small table by the window and makes a start of his Charms paper but instead he begins to draw the battle between Dumbledore and Grindelwald. It\'s still fresh in his mind from History of Magic. He\'s never drawn with his quill before so some of the lines are thicker than others and a little scratchier than he would\'ve liked but he perceivers.

As he draws, he feels someone hovering over him. He stops in mid-line and looks up into Dumbledore\'s eyes. \"Nice work, Harry.\" Harry just stares at him and waits for him to leave. It only takes Dumbledore a few seconds to get the hint before he moves on to whatever he was doing in the first place. Harry feels the hair on his neck go back down before he goes back to his drawing but the magic of it seems to be gone now so he tears it to pieces and throws it away on his way out.

Harry wanders the hall through the rest of his free period and thinks of how Snape will berate him today. Snape was never one to wait until after class to give Harry a piece of his mind. At least he won\'t have Potions until the end of the day. He knows he should go eat lunch with the rest of the school but he retraces his steps once he\'s sure the library is empty and finds a quiet corner away from the knowing eyes of Madam Pince. He takes out another piece of parchment and taps his quill against it as bits of ink splatter across the clean page. He feels his stomach twist and jump. \"Hello Professor,\" he says softly and turns to face Snape.

He glares. \"Why aren\'t you at lunch?\"

\"Why do you keep seeking me out?\" Harry tries to keep from smiling as Snape steps back, alarmed. \"It\'s not like I mind, though.\" He looks up at Snape through heavy lashes.

Snape straightens, tries to look as imposing as possible. \"Why aren\'t you at lunch, Potter?\"

Harry sighs. \"I thought we established that already, Professor. I\'m better than everyone, remember?\" He blinks slowly, deliberately. \"So why aren\'t you at lunch?\"

He stiffens. \"That is none of your concern.\"

\"Why do you keep seeking me out, then?\"

Snape glares menacingly. \"I\'m not seeking you out. It is my job as your teacher to make sure you\'re not starving yourself.\"

Harry turns back to his parchment. The conversation isn\'t going in the direction he wants. \"I\'m not starving myself.\"

\"Oh? Then why do I never see you in the Great Hall for meals anymore? Am I to believe that you don\'t need to eat?\"

He laughs softly. \"Don\'t be stupid. I eat. When I\'m hungry I go to the kitchens.\"

\"And how often are you \'hungry\'?\"

Harry looks at him and feels his lip twitch. \"I never thought I would live to see the day when you actually cared about what happened to me.\" He shakes his head in apparent amazement. \"I get hungry when I get hungry.\" Hels als a spell being cast upon him. \"What the hell are you doing?\"

Snape looks thoughtful and relieved at the same time. \"Just make sure you haven\'t put a Concealment charm on yourself. It\'s happened before with...other students.\"

\"Well I\'m not \'other students\', am I? I eat, all right? Don\'t worry your pretty little head about it. You can report back to Dumbledore now.\" Snape stares at Harry until he sighs. \"For Merlin - do you want me to take off my shirt so you can be sure my ribs aren\'t sticking out?\"

He thinks about it and finally nods. He thinks he\'s calling Harry\'s bluff. \"Yes, I think that would be acceptable.\"

Harry rolls his eyes and takes off his school robe. \"Can you hold this?\" Snape takes the robe as Harry pulls off his school vest and begins to unbutton his shirt. He holds it open. \"See? No ribs.\"

Snape tries desperately not to look at more than just the vicinity of Harry\'s ribs. He clenches his hand around the robe to keep from reaching out and touching the smooth expanse of skin. He tosses the robe at Harry\'s feet. \"Get dressed, Potter,\" he snarls.

But Harry saw the look in Snape\'s eyes and he can\'t help but feel elated. He buttons his shirt slowly and when he bends down to retrieve his robe, he turns away from Snape. He hopes that the intact of breath he hears is because of him and not a random dust bunny. He stands slowly and puts on the rest of his clothes. He turns back to his teacher and looks him in the eye. \"I\'m not starving myself as you can see.\"

Snape\'s mouth is dry as he swallows thickly. \"I\'ll see you in class, Potter. Try not to skip it today. I\'m not as lenient as Flitwick.\" He leaves with a swish of his robes and Harry feels strangely let down. He puts away his ink-spattered parchment and his quill. He leaves the library to be on time for Transfiguration.