Snapey Went A Courting

Snapey Went A Courting

It all belongs to Rowling, except what you don’t recognize.

Chapter Five – Hormones!


Hermione had been dozing on and off. Waldo had just fallen asleep while nursing, his little eyes closed and his mum’s nipple slid from his little mouth. He ate quite often now, but mostly slept in between feedings and changing. The nurses that came and went told her she was a fab mum and there were just the right amount of dirty nappies to indicate that Waldo was getting sufficient feeds. Hermione sighed and closed her eyes, she thought for just a second, but when she opened them again, he was there.

“I have a bone to pick with you, Harry.”

Harry’s green eyes flashed as he gave a rueful smile. “I think Waldo’s out like a light, maybe you should put away the feeding station,” he whispered.

Hermione blushed and tucked her breast back into her maternity gown. “I’d think you’d be used to me being naked after the birthing pool.”

“I’m still a man.”

“You’ve changed the subject. Prof. Snape was in here last night. It’s your fault entirely. You told him.”

“Actually, Remus told him.”

“And how could you tell Remus?”

“Hermione, I was going to kill Snape because he raped you and Remus talked me out of it. He said you needed me and he was right.”

“I never said that Snape raped me!” Her voice went loud and Harry frantically shushed her while pointing at Waldo. Harry helped her put him into the bassinette while she hissed just above a whisper. “I never said anything of the kind!”

“Well, I understand that now. But at the time I was a bit affected by the stress of you going into labor and all. You can hardly blame me. Ironic, isn’t it? Both Remus and I spent months trying to change your mind about contacting the father. Once I heard it was Snape... I just had to kill him. Damn, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even Snape has the right to know about having a child.”

“Harry—Listen to yourself. You thought he raped me and that he STILL has a right to his child?“

“Actually,” Harry blushed, “That’s not what I said. Look, start over. I grew up without a father. So, I know a little bit about this! Waldo has rights, even though the only thing he wants right now is dry nappies, a kip and some milk. He’ll be wanting his father one day.”

“Harry. Please stop and listen. It’s not your business, but I’ll make it clear. It was an accident. And it’s not that I don’t want a father for Waldo. I thought about it and I’ve given you the wrong impression. I don’t want a Wizard for his father. But I won’t marry just any Muggle that comes along. A loveless marriage is just as bad as no marriage for a child. So, maybe one day, when the right man comes along…” Hermione bite her lip to keep the tears from flowing. Bloody Hell, she thought, I am so hormonal.

“Oh. Well, I guess that’s different.” Harry sat back, looking uncomfortable. He waited a few seconds and then asked, “Why? Why don’t you want a Wizard?”

“The Wizarding world is too dangerous. Too backwards. I’m sick of the nasty press I keep getting. Can you imagine what they would do with this one? Let’s see. ‘Love Child of former Death Eater and his ex-Hogwarts student,’ is that lurid enough? Maybe I should come up with a better one? What about, ‘The Mudblood seduced me, claims injured Pureblood.’ That should really sell papers.”

“Hermione.”

“I’m sick of the prejudice. At least in the Muggle world I can raise my son in peace and be left alone. No one gives a damn who the child’s father is or even if he has one-- because here, we’ve moved past it. Waldo will just be my son and hopefully will never hear the word ‘Mudblood’ until it’s time to attend Hogwarts.”

“You’d do that to Snape? Well, at least you’re sending him to Hogwarts and not Beaubatons or Salem Academy.”

“Don’t bet on it, Harry. I’m perfectly capable of packing my bags and taking my child to anyplace that I consider safer than here. Because that is my first priority, Harry, my son’s wellbeing.”

Harry rubbed his scar as if it were paining him again. He sighed. “Well, I wouldn’t mind leaving the Wizarding World myself, you know. Marry me and we’ll drop out of sight together.”

Hermione stared at Harry, her mouth hanging open, ready to catch flies.

“Are you sure that you want to stop wearing women’s clothes?” Hermione asked grimly.

“What would that have to do bei being a good father?” Harry asked with some trepidation.

&&&

Snape awoke that morning and trudged over to the sideboard, which served as his makeshift kitchen, to make some tea. It would have be another House Elf Holiday. And they ‘d had yesterday morning off. The little buggers! He groaned. He’d had dreams last night. He sat down hey aty at the table and waited for the water to boil.

He’d been back in his uncle’s home. Uncle Quirinius was screaming abuse at Aunt Gladys. She’d snuck Severus a treat and somehow he’d found out. Snapemblembled at the memory. He had not thought about either one of them in so long a time. Aunt Gladys doted on him, but there was always trouble. Anything good that happened to Snape as a young boy was quickly followed up by violence and his own guilt that he’d created the situation. But there was more to the dream. A baby crying. He went hunting for the child, calling out “Saccius.” The child’s cries were becoming more distant and he broke into a run. He was sweating an a n a panic, and then he woke up.

Snape fixed the tea. Last night hadn’t gone well at all and now he’d have to get some professional help. He didn’t like solicitors but Hermione was endangering their child. The child’s welfare had to come first and that would mean putting his foot down and forcing the issue since she was being a silly girl. He’d tried to reason with her. How could she take care of Saccius when she’s been filleted like some herring? And damn that Weasley boy. He didn’t like the looks of him at all. The Weasley’s were a bad lot and no doubt once Molly found there was a baby to be had she’d scoop him up like Baba Yaga or some other vulgar witch.

Snape dressed slowly, making very careful attendance to his appearance. He didn’t have much to work with, but he needed to create a good impress on Madams Strop and Tick.

&&&


“So the newspaper accounts are true?” Hermione forced a calm smile that she didn’t feel.

“I never actually said that I thought wearing women’s silk knickers is a treat. The problem is that, well, I do feel that way.” Harry brushed back an escaped strand of his long hair behind his ears. Even at shoulder length and tied back, his hair was unruly.

“So are you gay? Or are you one of those women trapped in a man’s body or what?”

“The ‘or what’. They just make me feel good. I still fancy women, Hermione. And I have no intention of giving up my family jewels. I like myself just fine as I am.”

“In knickers.”

“And cashmere. I am especially fond of fluffy cashmere sweaters with a floral pattern done in beads. There’s this boutique in--”

“Harry. I’m sorry that I never brought this up, but I thought it was none of my business. It’s not like you flaunt it.”

“No. And those pictures, I don’t know how they got taken. I guess I’m lucky that the Ministry put a black out on the topic.”

“Well, that’s censorship.” Hermione stated indignantly.

“You could have used a bit—they way they went after you.” He got up and looked at the sleeping infant. “Does he sleep like that all the time? So peaceful.”

“Yes, he eats, he sleeps, he fills his nappies and he cries. He’s incredibly talented.” Hermione knew she shouldn’t snap, but, but... “So, it’s not like you have a whole closet filled with dresses or anything?”

Harry blushed. “Please.”

“You asked me to marry you. I’m taking your proposal seriously, but I need to know. What do you have? Make-up? High heels? Jewelry?”

“Low blow, Hermione. Yes, to all the above and I also have fishnets and a bustier. And I’m not ashamed of it. And I think you are being really prejudiced.”

“No, I just needed to understand. You are straight and you like to dress up. In women’s clothing… And you aren’t planning to change sexes.”

Harry crossed his legs. “We covered that. I love you, Hermione. I think I can make you happy.”

“Let me sleep on it.” She took a sip of grape juice from the small bottle on the nightstand and wished they had pumpkin juice. “I suppose it’s not all that big a shock.”

Harry smiled and leaned over to give her a gentle kiss on the lips. “If it will help you understand, it’s like this. Dumbledore knew all about the way the Dursleys were treating me, and Snape and even that horrid Umbridge woman. He finally apologized to me a few months after the fall of Voldemort. He was sorry, but they needed a weapon and they couldn’t afford for me to be soft. By that time, well you know. I had no choice but to kill Voldemort. I didn’t want to but I had to. It wasn’t just him or me; he had taken you and Ron captive. But what do you do with yourself after you’ve learned to kill? After you’ve been trained up to be somebody’s tool. I joined the Aurors out of instinct. But Hermione, I like having soft things-- I want to be soft. I just want it so badly.

“Listen, I’m rich. Neither one of us needs to ever work again. We can head off to somewhere nice, an island in Greece or the Caribbean and just live the good life and raise Waldo. We could run away and not a soul from the Wizarding World would find us.”

Hermione wiped the tears that had suddenly appeared on her face. She took Harry’s hand and kissed it. “You know, that would make part of me very happy. I love you, but the problem is I don’t think I’m in love with you.”

Harry kissed her again, a little harder with more passion this time. “I think if we gave it time, you might realize you were.”


&&&

The law firm of Strop and Tick was located on a dingy upper floor of one the buildings located on the corner where Knockturn Alley met Diagon. The wood on the staircase was dark and looked to have not been polished in several centuries while the steps looked ready to cave in at any point. The banister, however, gleamed with the oils of many a nervous palm.

He knocked on the door and it swung open. There were two desks, both covered with piles and piles of parchments and other paper work. There were several rickety chairs and filing drawer upon filing drawer going all the way up to the ceiling. One complete wall was taken over by law books and various other tomes. There was a sour smell that Snape feared was coming from the Hag sitting behind the desk.

“Ooow, and you must be the 9:30 appointment,” said the Hag, giving a bleary eyed wink. She then belched and Snape was confirmed in the hypothesis that the Hag was indeed the originator of the stench.

“Yes, Professor Severus Snape.”

“Good-O, that will be 100 Galleons.”

“For what!” Snape was outraged.

“For us listening to you. We’s don’t know if your case is interesting enough for us to take, but you don’t thinks you walked into some charity house now? Got to pay bills, don’t you know?” She cast her long shanks of oily grey hair behind her shoulder, revealing grey sweat stained robes. She tented her fingers, “Well, have a seat. And produce your gold. Gringott’s just down the street if you’re strapped.” She nodded her head towards the door.

Snape had an intuition that he’d be better off leaving the foul Hag to her own devices rather than sit down and get his robes ruined on one of the splintery looking chairs. He was just about to leave when the image of Saccius held hostage in the hospital came to him. No, had to do it for Saccius.

Snape produced a check and filled it out for 100 Galleons.

The Hag took it in filthy, ink-covered fingers and thrust it down the front of her robes. A cold chill went down Snape’s spine.

“Mind you that’s not a retainer. We have to hear your case first. Just sign the parchment right here”

Snape looked for a quill. The only ones available looked broken. He decided it could wait.

“And when will the solicitor be in?”

The Hag cackled. “Good one. I’m the solicitor, Ernestine Strop. My associate is just finishing up a case and will be here shortly.” The Hag belched again and took a swig of potion that Snape was surprised to realize he didn’t recognize. “Me stomach remedy. Old family recipe.”

Snape shifted uncomfortably on the chair, which let out an ominous creak.

There was the sound of brisk footsteps and the shutters on the soot-covered windows of the room closed just before the door burst open. Framed in the door was a gaunt woman with lily-white skin and heavy-duty black protective eye gear. When she removed the gear, she revealed red-rimmed eyes. She was covered from head to foot in a black, shroud like garment and she wore thick black, dragonhide gloves.

“Ah, Madam Strop, I see I am not very late after all.” She smiled and a pair of very sharp incisors showed.

Snape very keenly regretted he hadn’t left when he had the chance. He stood up and took the vampire’s hand in his. “Madam Tick, I assume.”

“Yes, I am the barrister here.”

“And Ravenclaw ‘85, if I’m not mistaken. Formerly Miss Ivy Donleavy.” Snape realized that he was sweating. His anti-perspirant had totally failed him.

She gracefully removed her hand. “That was prior to my marriage to Jebbadiah Tick and my demise.”

“If you don’t mind my asking? How do you do it?”

“Ah, that I’m out of my coffin in broad daylight?” she said cheerfully.

“Quite.”

“SPF 2000.” She sat down at her desk and began rearranging documents.

&
&

Remus sat in the chair next to her bed and blinked his large, grey eyes at her. “So, all’s well that ends well?”

“What?” asked Hermione.

“You will be getting together with Snape.”

Hermione smiled, “You haven’t talked with Harry recently, have you?”

“No, why?”

“He propose marriage to me again, for about the tenth time.”

“Yes, ahem, Hermione, he feels quite strongly about this. Little Waldo needs a father.”

“So you had to tell Snape about it?” Suddenly Hermione’s wand was out and pointed at him. The werewolf blanched.

“Now, Hermione, dear, dear Hermione. Of course, I did. It’s for the best. I’m sure that you and Severus will work out your little differences.”

“I don’t want a father… Oh fuck-it-all. I don’t want my son raised in the Wizarding community. Is it so difficult for you to understand?”

“Oh, I see it now. Right, you’re just trying to let me down easy.” His gentle steady voice was suddenly full of hurt. “I’ve had to deal with prejudice all my life, you know, but to have it from you, Hermione. It’s because of my Lycanthropy, isn’t it? That’s why you wouldn’t want to marry me.”

“Remus?”

He ignored her and continued on his diatribe of injured feelings. “Yes, I don’t have a lot of money, but surely I’d be a better father to your son than Harry or Severus.”

“You must be joking?”

Tears sprung to his eyes, “You see, it’s my being a werewolf. Well, it’s not all that contagious. You can’t get it through sex or sharing a cup of tea. Oh, I’m so fed up with this damned world and it’s fear of me. I thought you’d be different.” He took out a handkerchief and began to sob.

Hermione shook her head in dismay. So that was four Wizards proposing marriage in less than 24 hours? What was the attraction in fatherhood for pity’s sake? None of them wanted her. She put down her wand. Really, she was too fond of Remus to hex him anyway. But damn, she was feeling very emotional. And, to her dismay, randy. Remus was quite sexy with his longish, brown locks and big eyes. His mouth was quite sensuous. She wondered, was he a beast in bed? Hermione quickly colored at the thought of pseudo-bestiality with her old professor.

Hormones! Santeanted to take him into her arms and comfort him. Of all the Wizards she knew, he was the sexiest. Both Ron and Harry were like her brothers, although they both seemed terribly unaware of that fact. And Snape, Hermione shuddered, remembering what that was like. She didn’t have the words to explain all this to Remus though. Shite, the one Wizard who was actually sexually attractive to her and she had to tell him ‘no’. She thought longingly about it. What it would be like to have his arms around her, his tongue in her softly stroking her…

Damned Hormones! Hermione brought herself back to the situation at hand. He’d never survive outside the Wizarding World, he only scraped by as it was.

“It was very nice of you to come visit. And even kinder of you to offer.”

He blew his nose and wiped his eyes. “Well, I know this is old terrain, Hermione. But you want to think what is best for Waldo.”

“I am thinking on what is best for him.” Hermione said with a fierce look.

“Then you will realize—“

Hermione’s wand was pointed at him again and shooting little pink and purple sparks, “Out!”

“Hermione?”

“Now! I need some rest. You are all getting me upset.” Her eyes filled with tears.

“Oh, now, Hermione, are we having some baby blues?”

“We buggerall are-- so get the frigging hell out of here, now!”

He gave her a swift kiss on the forehead and quietly left. “Oh, damn.” She said as she realized that her nursing top was completely drenched with milk. “He must of noticed, oh, how embarrassing. I’m totally sticky.” Hermione started to sob. This just wasn’t her day!

&&&

Snape didn’t like the way Madam Strop kept smacking her lips ever since the subject of his infant son had come up. Well, yes, Hags did have a reputation for eating very young children but he’d always believed it was merely prejudice. A small tendril of saliva extended from the corner of her mouth, which she unconsciously patted away with a small handkerchief.

“Professor Snape that’s all well and fine, but the law’s against you,” declared Strop.

“She’s putting our child’s life at risk. There must be some law that will allow me to force her to take him to a proper doctor. They both need urgent medical care.”

“See now,” continued Strop, “how can you be sure the Muggleborn brat’s even yours? She could have been loose with any number of Muggles and Wizards.”

Snape hand slowly tightened into a fist. “I used a blood spell.”

“That would be dark magic, Professor Snape,” said Madam Tick in crystalline tones. “You don’t want that information getting out. The Ministry has relaxed a bit, but not that much.” She returned to her paperwork.

“So what you are telling me—“

“Is that you are out of luck, Deary,” the Hag cackled. “You are trying to undo about 500—“

“Closer to a thousand actually,” chimed in Tick still going through paperwork. “Say Ernestine, have you seen my notes on Lylander? I’ve got them this afternoon.”

“Top drawer, right hand side.”

“Ta!”

Snape’s stomach tightened along with his fist. “Nothing to be done then. I’ll be on my way.”

“Wait.” Tick abruptly stood up and walked to Snape’s side.

Her cold blue eyes seemed fixed on his face and/or neck and Snape had a sudden certainty that she was going to sink her teeth into him. It was odd how such a mediocre and unappealing little girl could have changed into a very charismatic bloodsucker. Her tongue traced her lips and it was shockingly pink against the paper whiteness of her skin. He looked into her eyes and felt entranced by her power.

“How much do you want your rights to him?” Her voice caressed him tenderly and he realized that she probably would have been amazingly effective in any court of law.

“I’d give anything,” but, oh please, don’t let it be my blood and my life. Snape suppressed his fear and continued to make eye contact.

Tick smiled and abruptly turned to Strop. “Let’s make up a contract then. I think we can do this.” She gracefully moved to behind her desk and Snape quietly sighed.

“It’s going to cost millions and take years.” She pounded her fist on the desk. “But we can change the laws! First we buy ourselves a few politicians--”

“Years?” Snape shook his head. “Thank you, but no.”

“That is your final answer?” said Tick with a glare.

“And I don’t have the money.”

The vampire sighed. Strop gave a little chortle and said, “So it’s true. There is nothing left of the Snape fortune? The Widow gave it all way.”

Snape overturned his chair by accident in his agitation. “I have no idea. And it’s most unprofessional of you to ask.”

“Don’t be too hasty, Professor,” said Tick. “This could set the Wizarding world on its head.” Her eyes were alit by a fanatical flame of excitement.

Snape practically ran from the office without a word.

“Oh dear,” said Strop.

“What is it?” Tick returned to her desk.

“Snape left without signing hisfidefidentiality Agreement.”

Tick headed to the office door and called, “Professor Snape?herehere was a sound of the front door to the building banging shut. “Hmm. He didn’t seem to want to sign it.”

“Aww, isn’t that a pity?” She began rummaging her desk.

“Ernestine?”

“Yes, Ivy?”

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

“That very nice man from the Daily Prophet? Oi, the card has to be here somewhere.”

“What was his name?”

“I think it was a fake one,” she took another swig of the stomach potion and burped loudly.

“Well, as long as his money’s not fake,” said Tick.

They both had a very good laugh.

A/N: Hugs and many thanks to my reviewers: Deb, Nazzy, Andriana, LovethePotionBoy, Innerfeline, Rilla, Mele, Spaz141, Karen, OzRatbag2, Littlebird, Lizski, Anon and Influenza1918.