The Worst Kind of Nightmare

"Oh, and how am I supposed to keep this from them?"

James lowered his eyes and studied the floor for a moment.  "I guess I don't know.  What month is it?  January?  When is the baby due?"

"I hardly consider what's inside of me a baby, and the damn thing better fucking be out by next September."

James flinched.  "We can conceal your pregnancy while you're still at school, Siri.  Then, over the summer,-"

"I can do what?  Live on the streets?"

"Live with me," James said quietly.

"Your parents would never-"

"My parents know you, Siri.  And they like you.  They will be able to help you-I promise."

Sirius shook his head.  "It isn't fair to them, James, and it isn't fair to you.  You don't need me weighing you down.  Why do you insist on staying by my side?"

"Because I love you," James answered patiently.  

Sirius rolled his eyes.  "Whatever.  I'm tired.  I'm going to bed early."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No," Sirius replied too forcefully.  

James bit his lip and nodded his head.  "Will you tell me if you need anything?" he asked as he pressed a small kiss on Sirius' forehead.

"Sure," Sirius lied.  "I'll be sure to notify you right off."

James looked at his best friend sadly and then drew the curtains around Sirius' bed.  Sirius dozed off quickly, but awoke around midnight after everyone else was already sound asleep.

Sirius tossed back the blankets and quietly got out of bed.  He reached under the mattress and pulled out a letter to James that he had written earlier in the day.  Sirius placed the letter on James' chest of drawers and then sneaked out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.  

He made his way through the empty common room and out of Gryffindor Tower.  Sirius walked for about ten minutes until he came to a large staircase with at least thirty marble stairs.  Sirius stood at the top of the staircase and looked down silently.  

His mind made up, Sirius turned around and walked several paces down the hallway leading up to the large staircase.  Then, he started running and jumped when he came to the top of the stairs.  His body forcefully collided with the twenty-third stair, and he started tumbling painfully to the bottom.  

By the time Sirius' body reached the hard wooden floor, he was unconscious.

~*~

Sirius groaned out in pain and slowly opened his eyes.  The bright light of the sun shining into the room took him by surprise, and he shut his eyes again.

"Merlin, Siri, you're awake!"

Sirius moaned again and tried to open his eyes.  "It's too bright," he murmured.

"I'll close the blinds," James said as he hurriedly darkened the room.  "Thank Merlin you're awake."

Sirius just stared at James.  "Am I still pregnant?" he asked numbly.

"Yes," James replied, taking Sirius' hand in his own.

Sirius sighed and shut his eyes again.  "I should have just killed myself."

"Isn't that what you were trying to do?" James asked worriedly.  

"Not really," Sirius replied.  "I just wanted to get rid of the thing growing inside of me."  Sirius paused and opened his eyes again.  "Didn't you read the letter?"

"Letter?" James asked, thoroughly confused.  "What letter?"

"I put a letter on your dresser explaining what I--oh hell, I hope someone else didn't see it.  Are you sure it wasn't there?"

James pushed some strands of hair out of his boyfriend's eyes.  "It could still be there, Siri.  I woke up around 12:15 that night and noticed that your bed was empty.  I checked in the bathroom, and then the common room.  When I didn't see you in any of those places, I started running all over the castle.  When I found you, I brought you here, and I've been with you ever since."

"You found me?" Sirius asked weakly.

James nodded his head.  "Please don't ever do that again, Siri.  Please.  I know this is all so hard on you, and I really can't blame you for being upset.  I can't imagine what you must be going through.  But please don't try to hurt yourself again.  Please don't.  I'm nothing without you, Siri.  You mean everything to me.  I promise that I will never, ever leave you, Sirius.  I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  That is, if you can forgive me for treating you so horribly the other day."  James finally stopped speaking and wiped away the tears that had cascaded down his face.

Sirius just stared at his boyfriend, completely stunned by James' words.

"Mr. Potter?" Madam Pomfrey said as she entered the room.  "Do you mind leaving for a little while.  I want to talk to Mr. Bl-Sirius alone for a while."

James nodded, "I understand.  I love you," he whispered as he kissed Sirius' lips.  

The nurse watched James leave before taking a seat next to Sirius' bed.  "How do you feel?"

"Horrible."

"I can't blame you at all, Sirius.  Although, I do have to admit that I healed you rather nicely after your…fall."

Sirius sighed and stared up at the ceiling.  "The…baby wasn't hurt at all?"

"No.  Sirius, may I ask you something?"

"Go ahead.  Not like I can stop you, you know?"

"I suppose not," Madam Pomfrey said with a slight smile.  "Have you thought of this baby as not just being your father's?"

"It is his," Sirius replied bitterly.  "He raped me, remember?  How am I supposed to get over being raped when I have a fucking reminder like this?"

The nurse gently ran her fingers through Sirius' hair.  "It's going to take a long time for you to get over any of it, Sirius.  However, since you have no choice and have to have this child, perhaps you should start thinking of the baby as your own-not your father's.  After all, the child growing inside of you is your own, Sirius.  He or she is part of you."

"I don't want a child," Sirius replied quietly.

"I know, but there is nothing that we can do, other than try to help you through this.  If you continue to sulk and try to kill yourself or the baby, then-"

"Are you saying I have no right to be upset?"

"That's not what I'm saying at all, Sirius.  You have every right to be upset, and I certainly hope that your father will eventually be put behind bars."

Sirius snorted, "You and me both."

"What about James?" Madam Pomfrey asked slowly.

"What about him?"

"How do you feel about him, Sirius?"

"I love him.  That much should be obvious."

"Then why do you keep pushing him away and telling him he shouldn't be with you?"

"How do you know all of that?" Sirius questioned.

"I have my sources.  Why are you treating him that way?"

"Because he deserves so much better," Sirius replied.  "I'll only destroy his life."

Madam Pomfrey shook her head.  "You're wrong, Sirius.  He truly loves you.  Trust me-you mean everything to him.  He is doing everything he can think of to make you feel better and help you to get through this.  He's sincere, Sirius.  He loves you."

"How do you know?"

The nurse smiled warmly.  "It's obvious.  That and the Headmaster informing me that the best medicine for you is James."

"Dumbledore said that?"

"He also knows how much James loves you and you love James.  I know that you think he deserves better, but you have to understand that there is no one better.  He loves you dearly.  It is going to be a difficult pregnancy for you, but with James by your side, I honestly believe you will find it easier than you thought it would be.  You might even grow to love the child inside of you.  Maybe you should think of the baby as James' and not your father's."

Sirius opened his mouth to protest.

"I understand that will be hard, but it's just something to think about.  In the meantime, you need your rest.  I'll check on you again soon, Sirius."

The nurse stood up and smiled at her patient.  "Never forget that you have a lot of people who love you."

~*~