Tearmann

So, that was where he was. Sitting alone in front of his fireplace, an empty bottle of firewhiskey on the floor next to his chair and a near empty glass in his hand. It had been years since Severus had cried and yet tonight, he couldn\'t seem to stop. All his thoughts were utterly consumed with Harry Potter, from his startlingly green eyes and unruly black hair to his simple carefree smile.

The more he thought about the young wizard, the more ashamed he was of himself. He was old enough to be Harry\'s father. Hell, he\'d been to school with Harry\'s father! True, age was very rarely a factor in Wizardingplesples due to the long lives of witches and wizards, but it was still wrong for a teacher to seduce a student. Every time his mind started to wander over to thoughts of what it might be like to kiss those young lips, caress his soft skin, feel his warm hands on his own cool body, he snapped back to thinking he was just a dirty old man, that the \'boy\' would never have anything to do with him, and if anyone ever found out that he was lusting after The Boy Who Lived, he\'d either be tossed in Azkaban or St. Mungo\'s.

Severus pounded back what was left in his glass, then threw it into the fireplace, the last drops of firewhiskey sparking as the glass shattered. He stalked over to his cupboards and surveyed the contents. He was getting very drunk and with it very desperate. He wanted to escape these horrid feelings. Severus had never really felt despair before and didn\'t know how to handle it. He could deal with anger, frustration, even fear. Those were emotions he was familiar with and knew how to suppress them into the darkest regions of his mind. Depression was foreign to him.

On one side of the cabinet was another bottle of firewhiskey, some very ScotScotch he was saving for something special and a fresh bottle of Dreamless Sleep Draught. On the other side were various potions and even a few poisons. Without really thinking about it, he pulled a small grey vial from the shelf and examined its contents critically. While it was unlabeled, it was obvious to the Potion Master that it contained Deathweed, a slow painless poison that eased the drinker into a deep sleep before lowering the body into death. It would be simple to take it and just let himself drift off. Severus looked back into the cupboard and took down the antidote, which was in a similar grey vial but had a red stopper in it.

Sitting back in his chair before the fire, Severus contemplated the two vials in his hands. Setting the one with the red stopper gently down beside the empty whiskey bottle, he held the other in front of the fire to watch the flames flicker through the grey glass. His mind had suddenly gone blank, all tht ret retreating, leaving him cold and empty. Without a single thought for what he was doing, Severus pulled the cork from the vial and poured the viscous liquid down his throat. It burned a little but not as much as he thought it should. He glanced at the clock on his mantle, noting it was just past midnight. He calculated that he had about 2 hours until the antidote would no longer be effective and about an hour after that, he\'d be gone. There was no emotion to the thought, just cool disinterest.

Severus was just starting to think that perhaps it would be nice if he left Dumbledore a small note, when the door of his chambers was being knocked upon. He tossed the empty vial into the fire and called softly, \"Come in.\"

He was expecting it would be the headmaster coming to check on his former spy, so when a tentative \"Um, Professor?\" was called, he jumped out of his chair and wheeled around so fast, he made himself dizzy. He swayed unsteadily for a moment trying to focus on the handsome vision standing just a few feet away. He blinked furiously, hardly believing that Harry Potter was actually there. \'I must be drunker than I thought,\' he mused.

\"I\'m sorry to disturb you so late,\" Harry said with a yawn, \"but I couldn\'t sleep and I saw the light under your door. Do you happen to have some Dreamless Sleep Draught in here? Madam Pomfrey doesn\'t have any left.\"

Severus continued to stare blankly for a moment before he understood what Harry wanted. \"Yes, there\'s a bottle in the cupboard over there.\" He pointed to the cabinet he had left open only moments ago. He continued to sway as he watched Harry walk to the cupboard and remove the bottle of Draught. Harry turned to look at his professor and saw his bleary red eyes and extremely pale face.

\"Sir, are you alright?\" he asked softly, watching Severus as though he were about to fall over at any moment.

\"No,\" Snape answered honestly, though he made no move as to elaborate farther.

\"What\'s wrong, Professor?\" Harry was becoming alarmed. He\'d never seen Severus looking so pale and lifeless.

\"Nothing that won\'t be fixed in a few hours.\"

\"What do you mean?\" Harry started scanning the room not really knowing what he was looking for but knowing there was something terribly wrong.

\"It doesn\'t matter, Harry... err Potter. It\'ll be over soon and you can go about your life safe and happy. I\'m sure you and Miss Weasley will have a long happy life full of laughter and children. You\'re parents would be very proud of you, I\'m sure. You\'ll be a fine Auror someday, too, no doubt.\" Snape sounded sarcastic but was getting teary eyed again. He ignored his tears as he watcharryarry watching him. Harry had noticed the empty bottle of firewhiskey beside Severus\' cozy chair. Looking closer he saw the red-topped vial resting beside the bottle. He reached down and picked it up.

\"What\'s this?\" he asked suspiciously looking at Severus.

\"It\'s an antidote,\" Severus answered very casually.

Harry\'s eyes bulged out with dread. \"Antidote for what?\" His heart was now racing faster than it ever had during Quidditch and he was fairly certain he\'d never been so scared for someone in his life as he was at that moment watching Severus Snape.

\"It\'s the antidote to Deathweed, of course.\" Severus looked at Harry as though he thought the question was perfectly ridiculous. He had begun to wave as though standing on a boat, looking decidedly paler than when Harry had first walked in the door.

\"Why do you have this out next to your chair? Where\'s the Deathweed poison?\" Harry was nearly panicking now. He had stepped closer to Snape, expecting to catch him falling any minute now.

\"Mr. Potter,\" Severus was sounding exasperated now, as if he was explaining the importance of scales to a first year student, \"one should always have the antidote available when taking a poison.\"

\"YOU DRANK DEATHWEED??\"

\"Well, I certainly didn\'t put it on like cologne.\" Severus suddenly lurched forward into Harry\'s arms. \"I\'m really rather tired now, Harry,\" he said vaguely. \"Would you kindly help me to bed?\"

Harry was trembling now, holding the weakening man in his arms. Harry grasped the small vial tighter in his hand and pulled Severus up into his arms. He looked around the dim room and saw the door that led into what must be the bedchamber. He carried Severus quickly into the smaller room and set him gently on the bed. He pulled his wand from his robe and flicked it at the fireplace, starting a small fire. He looked back at Snape who was already drifting off. Harry yelled at him to stay awake.

\"Why? It\'s so much easier to just sleep,\" Severus\' deep voice was so low Harry almost didn\'t hear what was said. Harry sat on the edge of the bed, pulled the stopper off the grey vial and slipped his free hand under Severus\' head to raise him up. He then pressed the small vial to Severus\' lips and urged him to drink. He wasn\'t thinking about anything anymore and silently did as Harry asked. Harry was so relieved he started to cry. Severus slowly raised a hand to Harry\'s cheek and wiped away a tear.

\"Please don\'t cry Harry. Everything will be ok in a few hours,\" he whispered softly.

\"Why? Why did you do that?\" Harry was crying harder now. The look of peace on Severus\' face as he talked about dying scared Harry more than anything.

\"Because I love you,\" Severus said with a pained smile. His eyes fluttered cd sod so he never saw the look of wonderment and surprised joy that sprang up on Harry\'s face. He shifted over as Harry laid next to him to watch him through the night, smiled serenely as Harry\'s arms wrapped around him and for the first time in as long as he could remember, Severus Snape was actually looking forward to morning. For the first time ouldould remember, life didn\'t seem so bad.