What Is and What Should Never Be

What Is and What Should Never Be

Author: Prongs

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all things ‘Harry Potter.’ Led Zeppelin owns the song “What Is and What Should Never Be” (on Led Zeppelin II), and they also own the song, “Ten Years Gone” (on Physical Graffiti).


Chapter Four

Ten Years Gone

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“Sirius, you have to tell me now! What was it? Why were you so upset?” James asked.

Sirius sighed and walked over to his bed. He sat down and stared at the wall for several moments. James waited patiently by the door.

“Don’t stand there,” Sirius finally spoke. “I don’t want anyone else to know.”

James nodded his head and quietly closed the door behind him. He made his way over to Sirius’ bed and sat down next to his best friend.

Sirius silently reached across James and pulled a piece of parchment out of one of the drawers in his nightstand. He wordlessly handed it to James.

James took the parchment from Sirius and carefully opened it. Sirius stared blankly at the wall in front of him. James started to read the parchment, which was actually a letter from Sirius’ mother.


*


Sirius X,

I refuse to address you by Sirius Black since I no longer consider you a Black. You are truly a disgrace to this family. The mere thought of you makes me nauseous for days on end. I honestly have nothing to say to you except for this: you are a horrible, thoughtless excuse for a person. You are stupid and arrogant; ugly and pathetic; talentless and thoughtless; worthless and repulsive. Words cannot express how much I truly despise you. Nothing good will ever come of you. I have no idea how something as dreadful and appalling as you could have possibly come from me. You deserve to rot in hell, Sirius.

The main reason I am writing this letter is on behalf of your father. Unlike me, he apparently found one good reason for your existence. I had no idea he he had managed to humiliate and torment you since you were seven years old. I have to say that I’m extremely happy that you have already been suffering so much! When I also was informed that he often shared you with his friends and even at one point, your brother, I was overjoyed. It is indeed a splendid feeling to know that the person I hate the most in life was treated in such a delicious fashion! If only I could have personally witnessed all of this…that would have been marvelous indeed.

I am once again getting off topic. The major point of this letter is this: your father sorely misses his time with you, and he wants you to know that you are NOT safe. He WILL find you. SOON. Running away from this house will not prevent your father from getting his enjoyment.

I do hope he can manage to put you in your place once again.

Mrs. Black


*


James just stared at the letter in utter shock. He felt tears stinging in his eyes and bile rising in his throat. He had to speak—he had to say something to Ss, bs, but he couldn’t talk. All he could do was sit there feeling worse than he had ever felt in his entire life. All he wanted to do was find Sirius’ family and torture them endlessly. Hurt them. Humiliate them. Kill them. James gulped. At the same time, all he wanted to do was comfort Sirius.

Finally, James glanced at his best friend. Sirius was still staring straight ahead at the wall.

“Siri?”

“All right, now you know. You can leave now,” Sirius replied,rtinrting to get up.

“What?” James gasped. “I don’t want to leave, Sirius. Please let me talk to you.”

“Earlier you said you needed time away from me,” Sirius spat.

“That was then. That was before I-“

“Before you knew that my father has been raping me since I was seven? I don’t want you staying here out of pity, James. Please leave.”

James took a deep breath and spoke slowly, “Sirius, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I-I’m sorry.”

“About what in particular? About what you said or what happened?”

“Everything,” James whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?”

“Because you were hounding me, damn it!” Sirius exclaimed angrily. “And, to be quite honest, as soon as you said you loved me, I pushed this letter to the back of my mind. You were much more important.”

“I meant why didn’t you tell me about this years ago?” James asked softly. He was trying so hard to stay calm, but he felt awful inside.

“What difference would it have made?” Sirius asked harshly.

“Plenty of difference!” James finally caved in and yelled. “I could have stopped it from happening ever again!”

“Oh, you’re that powerful, are you?” Sirius snorted.

“I didn’t mean that I would do it single-handedly,” James replied. “Gods, Sirius, why didn’t you tell me? I’m your best fucking friend. I could have helped you! Do you know how much it hurts me to know you didn’t trust me enough to tell me?”

“It can’t possibly hurt as much as what I’ve been through!”

“I know that, Sirius! I want to help you. I want to…” James clenched his fists. “Gods, Sirius, I want to murder your family, I want to change the past, I want to hold you forever and make all of the pain go away!”

“DON’T PITY ME!” Sirius roared. “Just a little while ago, you needed time away from me, don’t you remember? The only reason you now want to hold me forever is because you feel sorry for me!”

“I am in love with you, Sirius! I don’t care about what was said or what happened earlier! All I care about right now is being with you. I am not trying to pity you—I am trying to be here for you, like I wish I could have been years ago. Gods, why didn’t you tell me before?” James groaned. “Maybe I could have done something.”

“You want every fucking detail of my pathetic life?” Sirius sneered as he reached inside his trunk. He pulled out a small, black book.

“Sirius, I-“

Sirius threw the book at James. “There you go—every fucking detail of my fucked up life! Why don’t you go to your room and read it?”

“Sirius, I do not want to leave you right now! I don’t ever want to leave you!”

“Well, earlier you certainly did, so LEAVE NOW!”

James studied Sirius’ angry eyes for a moment and then made his way to the door. He knew better then to argue with Sirius right now. He opened the door and slammed it behind him.

~*~

As soon as James returned to hism, hm, he flopped down on his bed and opened up the black book. He gulped when he realized that it was Sirius’ journal. James glanced at the date of the first entry and saw that it was written when Sirius was twelve. Sighing, he flipped to the back. The last entry was written a couple days ago.

James nervously returned to one of the first entries.


*


This time, my father had his friends with him. They all came into my bedroom around midnight. My father ripped all of my clothes off of me and then tore his own robes off. All of his friends started laughing e. e. I tried not to scream. I always try not to, but I can’t help it sometimes. It hurts so much when he-


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James flinched and turned to the middle of the book.


*


Maybe I should tell James. But what if he doesn’t like me anymore? What if he thinks I’m weak? What if he tells everyone else? I shouldn’t worry about that last one. I know I can trust him not to tell other people. What if he does think lof mof me, though? I can’t blame him if he does. If only he knew how much he has helped me through the past few years. His friendship has helped me so much more than he could possibly ever imagine. When he’s around, I almost forget about my father. Sometimes, I completely forget. I wish I could thank him for that, but then he would know about everything. I wonder what my friendship means to him? I wonder if he knows how much he means to me?


*


James bit his lip and slowly turned the page to the next entry. He felt tears streaming down his face, and he didn’t bother to try and wipe them away. They landed on Sirius’ journal, but James didn’t even notice.


*


I don’t want to go home for the summer. I hate going home. My home is Hogwarts. Gods, what am I going to do without James? He makes me forget…he makes me feel like someone important.

I’m scared to go home. How pathetic am I?


*


James turned the page again.


*


I can’t believe he came into my room the first night I was home. Usually, he lets me have one safe night. I guess he knew I was counting on that, so he came in just to mess with my mind. Gods, this was terrifying when I was younger, but now that I’m fifteen, it’s so embarrassing.

I’ve decided that I’m never going to know what it feels like to make love. Whenever I think about sex, I completely associate it with being raped. When people talk about sex at school, I freeze up inside. On the outside, I act calm and cool. It’s all a façade. They all think I’m so suave and collected. They’d all probably laugh if they knew how pathetic I really am. I wonder what James would say? I wonder what it would feel like to have sex with someone who loves you. I’ll probably never know. If anyone ever tries to make love to me, I’ll probably freak out.


*


James turned to the next page quickly. He was still ignoring the steady stream of tears falling from his eyes and landing on the pages of Sirius’ journal.


*


I think music may be the only reason I can make it until I see James again. If my parents knew I was listening to muggle music, they would probably kill me. Maybe I should blast it and then let them do away with me. But then, I would never see James again. I can’t bear the thought of that.

Whenever I hear the song “Night Flight,” I can’t help but think maybe I should take off. Leave here. Fly away somewhere. But where? James’ house is the only place I would feel safe at. I only feel safe when I’m with him. What would he think if he knew that? Gods, I miss him. Whenever I listen to “Ten Years Gone,” I think of him.


“Did you ever really need somebody and really need \'em bad?”


Those lyrics kill me inside. All I can think about is James. I need him so much it hurts. Merlin, that song gets to me. “Ten Years Gone.” Pretty soon, that will be true of my own life. Ten years completely gone. Almost ten years of hell. Ten years of being raped.

I’m a fucking mess.


*

TBC