Once in a Blue Moon (COMPLETE)

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Every Hour So Long and Empty
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The moon had already risen when Sirius arrived at Remus’s house, and he cursed his lousy sense of direction that had caused his delay. He could hear Moony howling in the basement as he let himself into the building and felt a shiver run down his spine. Would Moony react with violence to his presence like he had with Charlene’s last month? It was hard to say. Sirius made his way slowly down the stone steps towards the cage, knowing that if Moony attacked the barrier he would have no choice except to leave.

“I wasn’t sure you’d be here tonight.”

Sirius spun round, startled as he looked at Romulus. “Do you have to do that?” he complained, rather more harshly than necessary.

“Sorry,” Romulus apologised with a shrug. “Ghost… footsteps… I tend to forget.”

Sirius waved away the apology. It wasn’t Romulus’s fault he’d been having a bad month. “Why did you think I wouldn’t be here?” he asked as he approached the cage. Moony looked at him silently and Sirius stared right back.

“He’s not attacking the barrier,” Romulus commented, ignoring Sirius’s question. “I thought he might get agitated.”

“So did I,” Sirius admitted as he sat back on the stairs to watch over his friend once more.

Romulus continued to hover and Sirius could tell that the spirit had something he wanted to say. “Why did you think I wouldn’t be here?” he asked again.

“Because of what happened last month,” Romulus replied simply, as though he was speaking to an ignorant child. “Because you’ve been missing from school for three days.”

“You know about what happened last month?” Sirius felt his face flushing with heat. “Remus told you?”

“Yes and no,” Romulus replied. “Rem didn’t exactly tell me, not at first anyway, he didn’t have to. This place isn’t what you’d call large, or even moderate in size.”

“You heard us?” Sirius croaked.

“Bit difficult not to.”

“Oh, Merlin,” Sirius sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed.”

“Easy for you to say.”

Romulus chuckled. “I meant that I only heard the two of you yelling, I promise.”

Sirius felt the heat leaving his face a little, and he rummaged around in his robes for his cigarettes.

“They’ll kill you, you know?” Romulus commented as Sirius pulled out his wand to light it. Sirius ignored him and took a long drag. “So, when did you start smoking?”

“Fifth year,” Sirius replied as he looked back towards Moony who was now pacing in the cage. He pulled one knee up and rested his arm on it as he watched the werewolf move restlessly. It was going to be a long night.

“I don’t remember seeing you light up before.”

“I knew you’d have something to say about it.”

“Like it’s a horrible habit that turns your teeth yellow and makes your breath smell, perhaps?”

“Yeah, like that. They help me relax, and Merlin knows I need one tonight.”

They sat quietly for a few more minutes before Romulus spoke again. “Do you really love him?” he asked quietly.

Sirius turned away from Moony to look at the inquisitive ghost. He didn’t reply; he didn’t need to.

Romulus nodded slowly in understanding. “I thought so,” he said. “He’s not going to make this easy on you, you know?”

“I already figured that out for myself,” Sirius snapped.

“I’m only trying to help.”

“Sorry,” Sirius muttered, feeling rather contrite. None of this was Romulus’s fault. Sirius only had himself to blame for his current predicament.

“Do you want to know why Rem’s making this so hard?” Romulus asked, as casually as if he was asking about the weather. Sirius looked back at him and nodded once. Romulus had never been particularly forthcoming with information about himself and his brother, at least not about the important stuff, and Sirius was more than a little curious as to what he had to say.

“Remus wants to be normal,” Romulus said with a small snort of humourless laughter.

“He’s a werewolf,” Sirius replied. “Not much chance of that.”

“No kidding! But he doesn’t see it in quite the same way. He can’t do anything about the wolf, about Moony, but he can try his best to be normal in every other respect. It’s all he ever wanted. And it’s the only thing I’ve never been able to give him.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say to that, so he merely sat quietly and waited for Romulus to continue.

“He wants his parents,” Romulus finally said. “They’re alive, you know?” Sirius nodded. “You may even have seen them, if you knew where to look. They were sitting in the public gallery of the Wizengamot during my trial, in the same section as you in fact. You probably saw them, though you wouldn’t have known who they were. They were sitting in the row in front of you, almost directly in front of you actually.”

Realisation suddenly dawned and Sirius wondered how he hadn’t known before, how he hadn’t recognised the man as being the father of the two Lupin brothers. “Your father doesn’t have a nasally voice and your mother wasn’t wearing a huge revolting looking hat?”

“That’s them,” Romulus replied with a grin at Sirius’s description. “My dad looks a bit like me, though his hair isn’t as long as mine is.”

Sirius frowned slightly as he took in Romulus’s hair, tied back today, and reaching down his back. He wasn’t really sure what he was expected to say. He remembered hearing snatches of the Lupins’ conversation and he wondered how they could have been so cold when it was their own sons the case was revolving around. “For a while I thought they were dead, what with them not looking after Remus themselves.”

“They might as well be,” Romulus replied. “And don’t make the mistake of thinking that they’d gone to the Wizengamot to show their support or anything.”

“Why were they there?” Sirius asked, though he suspected he already knew the answer to that question.

“If I’d denied the charges, they were there to give evidence against me,” Romulus explained, unknowingly confirming Sirius’s suspicions.

“But you’re their son!”

“As is Remus. They wanted to turn him over to the Ministry after he was bitten. The Ministry authorised the death sentence without question.”

“Murderous gits!” Sirius muttered.

“Yeah,” Romulus agreed quietly. “I came home from school after doing my O.W.L.s. They didn’t tell me what had happened until after I got home. It was just after the second full moon following the attack. I’m just relieved that the Ministry hadn’t arrived before I did. I grabbed Remus and ran, and we came here. I figured a life on the run was better than death at the hands of the Ministry.”

“He told me once that he remembers your father silencing him after the first full moon.”

“That’s our father. Keep things quiet and don’t make a fuss. Sweep it under the carpet, and no one will be any the wiser about the family’s shame. At first, Rem thought the Ministry was just doing its job, getting rid of all the werewolves. He didn’t know the reason they came for him in the first place was our parents.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Sirius asked quietly as he looked down at Moony.

“Because to understand Remus, you have to understand that all he ever wanted was to be normal. I did my best, but I’m not his nice, normal parents.”

“From the sound of it, your parents aren’t normal anyway.”

“Actually, they are,” Romulus stated. “Normal parents don’t have werewolves for children. They call the Ministry and get rid of the problem, nice and quiet like. No scandal, no fuss, just sign a few papers, get the Ministry to do their job, and forget it ever happened. That was the idea anyway. They just didn’t count on me stepping in and putting a wand in the works.”

“Remus is lucky to have a brother like you.”

“But he doesn’t want a brother like me, not raising him anyway. He wants to be normal.”

“Define normal,” Sirius muttered.

“It’s not my definition of normal that matters; it’s Remus’s that’s important here. He’ll never be normal because of the wolf, but he’ll try and get as close to it as he can. I sometimes think that he’d rather be normal than truly happy.”

“I’d rather be happy than normal,” Sirius replied without hesitation.

“So would I,” Romulus admitted with a sad smile. “Though in my position I’m about as likely to be normal as Remus is.”

“Yeah, well, being a ghost is a bit of an abnormal thing to be.”

“Anyway, Remus doesn’t see two men in a relationship together as normal…”

“So I noticed. It’s probably my own fault. I told him it wasn’t ‘normal’ for us to share a bed, didn’t I? If only I’d kept my mouth shut.”

“You mean if only I hadn’t told you to kick Rem out of your bed?” Romulus corrected. “I’d not have suggested it if I’d known how things were going to turn out now.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Sirius replied. “You were right; Remus was depending on me too much. Just like I was depending too much on him.”

“Still, what’s done is done. Remus got it into his head that being with another bloke wasn’t normal, and he’ll apportion those feelings to Moony. Moony isn’t normal anyway; he’s the werewolf part of him. What does it matter if the wolf’s gay? He’d rather push you away and try for normality with a girl, any girl, than be any less normal – by his definition – than he already is.”

“But the wolf is a part of him,” Sirius pointed out.

“I know, and despite the nonsense he’s been coming out with this last month, deep down so does Remus.”

“He uses the wolf when it suits him,” Sirius commented, recalling even before he’d discovered Remus’s secret that the boy had once used the wolf to scare James into leaving him alone.

“He used to,” Romulus corrected. “When he was younger. But, once he’d had a taste of a nice normal life at Hogwarts…”

“Do you think I can talk him round?” Sirius asked as he stubbed out his cigarette on the step. Romulus frowned at him in disapproval and Sirius pulled out his wand to summon a saucer to use as an ashtray from upstairs.

Romulus turned back to him. “Honestly?” he asked and Sirius nodded for him to continue. “I don’t know.”

“Damn.”

“It wasn’t the wolf you were with,” Romulus offered, as though it were some form of consolation. “It was Remus.”

“I know that,” Sirius muttered.

“So does Remus. Deep down, he knows that, too.”

“He’ll never admit it though, will he?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m so screwed.”

“What are you going to do in the morning?” Romulus asked curiously.

“What I usually do, I guess,” Sirius replied with a shrug. “Clean him up and all that. If he lets me.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And what about after?” Romulus gave him a look, and Sirius felt his face flushing again.

“He doesn’t want me,” Sirius pointed out. “He made that pretty clear.”

“No, he said that Remus didn’t want you, but that Moony did.”

“You really did hear everything didn’t you?”

“Every word, at least those that the two of you were yelling at each other like you were on opposite ends of the Quidditch pitch, and incidentally you should watch your language.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Cheeky. But you’re missing my point.”

“Which is?”

“You know, I’m not sure I want my baby brother hooking up with someone this dense,” Romulus teased. “It’s the full moon tonight. Moony is down here, and by Remus’s own admission Moony wants you. He says the wolf is nearer the surface at the time of the full moon, and tonight is the full moon. You getting there, yet?”

“Oh damn!”

“I’m not saying that he definitely will, but there’s a strong possibility that he might. You need to think about what you’re going to do if he does.”

“Oh damn!” Sirius briefly wondered whether the whole mess had caused him to lose the ability to say anything else. Then something else came into his mind, a memory from the morning after the last full moon. “Um… can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Erm… I was wondering you had any advice about… er… well… you know…” He felt his face flushing as he struggled to find the words.

“Not really,” Romulus replied.

Sirius sighed. “You know… it… only last time it was kind of awkward.”

“I meant, not really, I don’t have any advice, you’re barking up the wrong ghost here.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to suggest you were gay,” Sirius assured him. “Just some general advice.”

“It was your first time, wasn’t it?” Sirius nodded. “You’ll learn as you go along. Though I’m guessing you don’t have any lube on you?”

“It’s back at the castle, in my trunk,” Sirius replied with a grimace. “I’m pretty sure I hurt him a couple of times, and neither of us really knew what we were doing. There’s only so much you can learn from books and magazines.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure things out.”

“But, you must have some advice for us.”

“I told you, you’re asking the wrong spook.”

“But…”

“Sweet Merlin, do I have to spell it out for you?” Romulus rolled his eyes and sighed.

“What?”

Romulus swore under his breath and put his face in his hands momentarily. “There was this girl back in Hogwarts, she was in Ravenclaw and was the smartest witch in our year.”

Sirius grinned. “What was her name?”

“Jessica. I had the biggest crush on her, but it took me most of fifth year to get up the courage to ask her out.”

“How come?” Sirius interrupted. “You’re not bad looking.”

“Gee, thanks,” Romulus replied sarcastically. “Anyway, being in Hufflepuff, the house that’s known as the one the dumb kids are in, I thought she’d never agree to go on a date with me.”

“Hufflepuff is the house of the most loyal,” Sirius commented with a smile. “I think it placed you right.”

“The Sorting Hat usually does, but back then I didn’t think about that. Anyway, I finally plucked up the courage to invite her to Hogsmeade for the last visit of the year. It was fun and we had a lot in common.”

“So, she was your first girlfriend?” Sirius smiled. “What happened to her?”

“She got married about four years ago, according to the Daily Prophet Society Section.” Romulus shrugged. “She wasn’t my first girlfriend though, not really. I didn’t even manage to find the courage to kiss her after our one and only date. I chickened out and told myself they’d be another chance the following year. She was planning on doing most of the same N.E.W.T.s as I was… I figured there’d be time later.”

“But Remus was bitten?” Sirius guessed.

“Exactly. I took him and ran. My only thought was to do whatever it took to keep him safe, and that meant letting no one close. I made sure that neither Remus nor me were in the village on Hogsmeade weekends; it was safer that way. I never saw her again.”

“Oh.” Sirius didn’t know what to say.

“I always told myself there’d be time later,” Romulus continued.

“So, you’re a…” Sirius hesitated and couldn’t bring himself to look the ghost in the eye.

“A virgin,” Romulus stated miserably. “A twenty seven year old bloke who’s never so much as kissed a girl… Merlin, that’s depressing.”

“Twenty seven?” Sirius questioned with a frown.

“That’s how old I’d be now,” Romulus explained. “If I weren’t…”

“There hasn’t been anyone at all?” Sirius asked quietly. “No one you’ve trusted enough to…”

“No one worth risking my brother’s life for,” Romulus replied. “Like I said, you’re asking the totally wrong ghost for advice on your sex life. I should be the one asking you, except that’ll only depress me even more because of the whole lack of a body problem.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Romulus stretched and yawned. “If given a choice, I’d do it all exactly the same anyway. Now, what are you going to do about Remus?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius admitted.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you to think it over,” Romulus said before he vanished, leaving Sirius alone on the stairs.

Sirius dug out his cigarettes and lit another one. And he’d foolishly thought that his life couldn’t get any more complicated than it already was.

-o-xXx-o-

Remus was still in obvious pain, but at least he seemed to be in a better state than he’d been the previous month, when the moon set.

The magical barrier disappeared with the rising of the sun and Sirius walked across the floor to Remus, a clean set of robes in his hand.

“S-Sirius… you’re here?” Remus whimpered as Sirius put the robes around his shoulders and guided him out of the cage.

“Where else would I be?” Sirius replied. “It’s not like I ever listen in History of Magic anyway.”

Remus winced in pain as he laughed at Sirius’s weak joke.

“I thought you’d… that you w-wouldn’t… I-I mean…”

“You thought I’d desert you when you need my help?” Sirius asked as he assisted Remus up the stairs. “Didn’t Dumbledore tell you I’d be here?”

Remus nodded. “But last month…?”

“Was last month,” Sirius interrupted. “I still mean what I said, but I promised I’d be here every month to help you. I keep my promises.”

“Thank you,” Remus whispered.

“You sound surprised?”

“We’ve hardly spoken in the last month. Then you disappeared and haven’t been seen by anyone since you left Hogsmeade. I didn’t think you’d be here. Where have you been?”

“I gave my word,” Sirius replied, ignoring the question. There would be an opportunity to talk about his time with the centaurs later, when it wasn’t so humiliating to think of how he had ended up there.

“Your word means that much to you?” Remus asked.

“Yes. I never say anything I don’t mean… except…”

“Except?”

“Sometimes when I lose my temper, I say things I shouldn’t.”

“Things you don’t mean?”

“No, things I mean, but shouldn’t say,” Sirius clarified. “Sit down while I get the potions.”

Remus collapsed onto the bed with another wince and groan of pain. Sirius forcibly pushed from his mind the memories of the last time he’d been in this particular room and just what had happened on the bed that Remus was now sitting on.

Sirius pulled the potions from the cupboard. He guessed that Remus had put them away as he vaguely recalled he’d left them on the kitchen table after the last full moon. He hoped he looked professional and clinical when he walked back into the room, but he suspected he appeared anything but.

“Roll up your sleeve,” he ordered, pointing to Remus’s right arm. Remus complied and Sirius sat down beside him.

“The green one,” Remus said as he pointed to the appropriate jar.

Sirius nodded obediently, even though he knew as well as Remus, probably better in fact, which jar was the one he needed. He silently opened the jar and began tending the re-opened wound on Remus’s arm from the previous month. He mumbled apologies each time Remus hissed with the stinging pain the lotion caused.

“Now the other one,” Sirius ordered, standing up and moving to Remus’s other side. Remus let the sleeve of his robe fall and then pulled up the other one. There was a new cut on the other arm, and while this one also started at the elbow, it then stretched higher to the shoulder and, Sirius guessed, around Remus’s back.

“It’d probably be easier if I took the robe off,” Remus pointed out as Sirius worked his way up his arm.

“Leave it on,” Sirius replied shortly.

“Does it need sealing?” Remus asked as he tried to spin round to see the damage he’d caused.

“Not this time,” Sirius assured him as he continued to patch up his friend. One by one he worked his way through the cuts and gashes, relieved that none of them would require Remus to disrobe. “There! All done!” he announced brightly before standing up to leave. “You should get some sleep.”

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice was hesitant and barely more than a whisper, but it still had the power to stop him in his tracks.

Don’t do this Remus, Sirius pleaded silently. He realised, of course, that it might have had more of an effect if he’d spoken the words out loud.

“Sirius?” Remus called again. “Don’t leave me.”

“You should get some sleep if you’re going to come back for this afternoon’s lessons,” Sirius advised.

“Stay with me?”

“Who’s asking?” Sirius whispered.

“Moony,” Remus replied after an inordinately lengthy pause.

Sirius stood at the door, a dozen thoughts flying through his mind.

Some muggle scientists believe that there are an infinite number of universes, each one playing out every possible outcome of each and every decision ever made by each and every person.

Sirius Black was a wizard however, and he hadn’t heard of the multiple universe theories. Even if he had, he wouldn’t have taken a great deal of notice of them. After all, what difference did it make if somewhere out there was another Sirius living out his life who hadn’t, at the age of five, put mice in the pocket of his cousin Bellatrix’s bridesmaid’s dress, and forever earned her undying wrath?

Did it matter if another Sirius was living his life in Slytherin house, embracing the dark arts and his family’s pureblood fanaticism?

Who cared if another Remus had never been bitten by a werewolf and was loved by his parents, with a living brother and three extra years worth of memories of Hogwarts?

Even if Sirius had heard of other universes he’d have brushed the thought of them aside, because this was the universe he had to live in, and as such it was the only one that mattered.

If Sirius had been aware of the theory of other universes he may however have imagined himself looking briefly into one of those as he stood, still as a statue, at the door.

Sirius saw himself apologising to Remus before leaving the room without looking back. He saw himself making the decision that it wasn’t enough to have Remus only at the time of the full moon. It wasn’t enough for him, and for whatever reason he walked away.

Maybe that other Sirius was confident enough to believe that Remus would come around?

Maybe he believed he deserved better?

Perhaps he didn’t really love Remus at all?

Or perhaps he’d been in the vicinity of a loud misfired spell that had rendered his hearing damaged, and he hadn’t been able to hear the gentle pleading in Remus’s almost tearful voice?

Whatever the reason was, Sirius watched himself walk away and never look back. He wondered if that other Sirius would be happier in the long run. Whether he would be able to live with the decision he had made, or whether he’d change his mind further down the line.

Sirius didn’t care.

All he cared about was this universe, this reality, the here and now.

And right here and right now Remus was placing one of his hands on the small of his back, whilst the other was pulling his hand away from the door handle.

Here and now, Sirius wanted Remus, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the compromise.

“Stay.” Remus whispered again as he gently pulled Sirius around to face him.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Sirius replied as he leaned down to kiss him.

Who cared whether he’d have been happier in the long run if he had made the decision to leave?

Sirius guided Remus back to the bed and they sat down together.

“Sirius?” Remus asked cautiously. “Um…”

“What?”

“Do you have anything with you… er… you know, to help make it easier?” Sirius had to lean in close to Remus to catch all his words because he was speaking in a voice that was only marginally above that of a whisper.

“You mean lube?” Remus nodded.

“Not on me,” Sirius admitted. “I’ve not been back to the castle since Hogsmeade.”

“Oh.” Remus ducked his head and shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said, reaching out to take one of Remus’s hands in his own. “We don’t have to do that again. We can go as slow as you want; we’ll only do what you’re comfortable with. Okay?”

Remus gave a small smile and a nod.

Sirius smiled back, but made no further move. He wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move this time. He was going to let Remus be the one to make the choices, and hope that Remus would finally admit his feelings were his own.

Remus, who had seemed to guess what it was that Sirius was waiting for, reached out to nervously undo his robes.

Sirius gave Remus all the time he needed, and tried not to blush under Remus’s curious gaze as he looked his nude body up and down. There were still traces of bruises on his stomach and abdomen, and Remus ran his hand over them slowly. He didn’t ask where they had come from; he simply made sure that Sirius knew he had seen them.

It was on the tip of Sirius’s tongue to tell Remus what had happened, but he was terrified that one wrong word would have Remus bolting once more.

Instead, he watched as Remus stared at his erection with something akin to awe.

“You can touch it, if you want,” Sirius whispered. He half expected Remus to shake his head, but apparently their explorations of the previous month had only served to whet his appetite for more.

Sirius held his breath as he felt Remus’s cool hand reaching across, a single finger stroking down his length from base to tip.

He was vaguely aware of Remus whispering something under his breath, but he couldn’t catch the words. He tried to remain as still as he could, letting Remus explore at his own pace, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.

Then, without warning Remus was suddenly gripping him in his hand. It was too much and Sirius arched up off of the bed, moaning as Remus leaned over to kiss him, swallowing his moan of pleasure in the process.

“Too tight,” Sirius managed to gasp in between kisses.

“Sorry,” Remus replied, his hand loosening in response to his breathless plea.

After that initial blunder, Remus’s touch became gentle, almost feather light, as he stroked Sirius, his tongue thrusting into Sirius’s mouth in a rhythm to match that of his hand. Sirius groaned when Remus pulled his mouth away, but he hadn’t managed to form the words to summon him back when he felt warm breath leaving a trail of hot, damp kisses down his chest, over his stomach and abdomen and lower, finally reaching his burning erection. He sank back onto the mattress; his gaze was focused entirely on the head of brown hair nestled between his legs.

“Remus… p-please…” Sirius cried out, though whether he was crying for him to carry on or stop he didn’t know.

Remus, however, seemed to know exactly what he wanted, and increased his rhythm to match Sirius’s increasingly frantic thrusts. His fingers caressed his balls as his tongue did delightful things to his cock. He had known before that Remus was a fast learner; that he’d passed all his O.W.L.s was evidence of that, but this took fast learner to a whole new level. Mirroring Remus the previous month, Sirius found his release with Remus’s hot mouth still encircling him.

His next coherent thought was that he could taste himself in Remus’s mouth as they kissed again. He could feel Remus’s erection pressed against his stomach, and he reached down between their bodies to grip him without breaking their kiss. He held Remus to him with one hand whilst the other squeezed him and stroked him, searching for the exact right touch that would bring the other young man the most pleasure. He swallowed each and every moan and whimper that Remus made, treasuring the sounds of pleasure so that he could replay them in his mind later on. But none of them were treasured more than the sound Remus made as he pulled out of the kiss and cried out as his orgasm crashed over him.

This was better than nothing, Sirius reasoned silently as they continued to explore each other’s bodies. Having Remus only at the time of the full moon was better than never having him at all.

Wasn’t it?

Right here, right now, in this reality, Sirius didn’t stop and think about it long enough to care.


-o-xXx-o-

“Sirius?” The hesitant voice whispering to him in the darkness of the dormitory was almost drowned out by the sounds of James and Peter snoring.

“What is it?” Sirius asked as he looked at Remus who had pulled the curtain of his bed aside and was hovering in the moonlight.

“Can I join you?” Remus asked quietly.

“The full moon was last night,” Sirius whispered back, trying to ignore the way his heart rate was increasing.

“Moony’s still nearby,” Remus replied. “For the couple of days around the full moon he’s nearer the surface and…”

Sirius felt his hopes being extinguished with Remus’s words, but it didn’t stop him turning back the covers and beckoning the other boy to join him. Remus crawled into the bed and pulled the curtain closed once more.

“I’ll be back in my own bed before James and Peter wake up,” Remus promised as he curled up close to Sirius.

“They won’t mind,” Sirius said as he snuggled nearer to Remus, pulling him into a close embrace. “Or do you mind them knowing?”

Remus didn’t reply; he didn’t have to. Sirius knew that he didn’t want the other boys to know about their relationship, such as it was. He wanted to be normal… whatever the hell that was! After his own recent experience, he couldn’t exactly blame him for his reluctance. He had told Remus what had happened before they had left Hogsmeade. Remus had said very little in response. Instead, he had kissed each and every one of the bruises, and caressed each and every newly mended finger. He had even kissed Sirius lightly on the nose when he had heard that that too had been broken.

“I don’t like the idea of sneaking around like this,” Sirius whispered. “I thought this morning that maybe you’d broken up with Charlie again, but you haven’t, have you?”

“Charlie and me are still seeing each other,” Remus confirmed. “We’ve sorted things out.”

“You know this isn’t fair on her?”

Remus sighed. “I know.”

“She has a right to know what’s going on between us?”

“She’ll dump me if I tell her.”

“Would that be so bad?” Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged, inching closer to Sirius in the process. “If you don’t want to do this, just say so,” he whispered. “If you don’t want to share me, then I can go back to my own bed right now.”

Sirius groaned as Remus brushed up against him, and he knew he would not be sending him back to his own bed that night. “I can share you,” he whispered, kissing Remus softly on the lips. “But you know that Charlie wouldn’t want to share you with me if she knew about us.”

“Don’t ask me to choose between you,” Remus begged.

“I won’t,” Sirius replied, knowing that the only reason he would never ask that of Remus was because he knew that Charlene would be the one he chose.

The feelings of guilt were pressing down on him, but they were easy to push aside when he was holding Remus in his arms. He sighed and hugged Remus close. “Sometimes I wish I lived in a different sort of world to this one. One where I could just tell everyone about us, and no one would bat an eye. I want to stand on the steps of Gringotts and declare to the whole bloody world that you’re mine, that I love you.”

“I’m not yours though,” Remus replied. “It’s just Moony and I’m… I’m weak. I want to give in to the wolf because it makes it easier.”

“Makes what easier?”

“Everything.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s complicated,” Remus whispered, and he averted his gaze from Sirius’s intent stare. “Moony has needs just like I do, and he seems to need you. I can’t give in to the rest of his desires. I can’t let him hunt or run free. But I can do this… this I can allow him.”

“You make it sound like you’re repulsed by me.”

It wasn’t really a question, but Remus looked back at Sirius when he answered. “You’re my best friend. You don’t repulse me, but I’m not… I can’t…”

“Can’t or won’t?”

Remus didn’t reply.

“Won’t,” Sirius concluded himself when it was clear that Remus wasn’t going to answer his question.

“Maybe a bit of both,” Remus finally admitted in barely more than a whisper.

“Will you ever… do you think you could ever…?”

“I don’t know,” Remus replied, and Sirius caught the sadness in his voice and took a small measure of hope from it.

He pulled Remus even closer, but felt a stab of disappointment when the other boy pulled back slightly. “Not here, not when they might hear us,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” Sirius replied. “Just let me hold you.”

After a moment’s thought Remus nodded and shifted as close to Sirius as he could get without actually being on top of him. They kissed briefly, but took things no further. Remus slept soundly, but Sirius found that his mind was working too furiously for slumber to claim him. One question resounded through his mind over and over again, the question of whether he’d ever have Remus in every sense of the word.

He thought back to the third year he had spent at Hogwarts, the year when Remus had hid within the school and shared his bed on a nightly basis. He wished that he’d never told him not to, and even more that he had not told him it wasn’t normal.

Normal – just one little word, the perfect one to stop Remus climbing into his bed… and it had worked only too well. Sirius had never regretted his words more than he did now. He couldn’t help but think that if only he hadn’t stopped Remus joining him at night, then perhaps things would be different between them now. Maybe Remus would be less worried about being normal and more open to the idea of a relationship with him… a proper relationship.

But again, it was useless to wonder about what might have happened if he had had the courage to admit to Romulus that he wanted Remus in his bed and hadn’t spoken those fateful words. This was the world he lived in, the world where a few careless words may well have cost him the chance of a lifetime of love with Remus Lupin.

That night was the start of a pattern for the two boys. From that night on, on the night before and night after the full moon Remus crept quietly into Sirius’s bed after James and Peter had gone to sleep. After the first time, Sirius never asked him whether it was Remus or Moony who was joining him, he knew what Remus’s reply would be. He consoled himself with the knowledge that he knew it was Remus, even if the other boy wouldn’t admit it to himself. He wasn’t even too disappointed that Remus was always safely back in his own bed before the other boys in the dormitory woke up.

Sirius began to look forward to those two nights almost as much as he dreaded the night in between as he watched over Moony, caged and angry, trapped in the basement of Remus’s Hogsmeade home.

He continued his nightly vigils, keeping a close eye on his friend and lover, waiting for the dawn to arrive so that his Remus would be returned to him, and he could show him how much he loved him.

He lost himself in the routine and treasured the memories he was gathering of how it felt to hold Remus in his arms, how it felt to kiss him, to show him how much he loved him, and to hear the sounds of pleasure Remus made.

The routine and the memories helped to push aside the increasingly frequent and disturbing thoughts that he wanted far more than Remus was prepared to offer.

He didn’t want Remus for only three nights of the month; he wanted him forever. The compromise was enough for now, but would it be enough forever?