Redeem Me

DISCLAIMER: Warning! I make no claim to any property of J.K. Rowling's, and am in no way profiting by this. I do offer her my sincerest thanks for allowing us this garden of the mind in which we play. Further Warning! This story...and likely any I ever write…are dominated by gay themes and characters. That's how it is, if this in any way makes you uncomfortable...do not read further.

Redeem Me…by Samayel

Chapter 48: Pride And Prejudice


Draco didn’t wake until it was nearly time for supper, and it was only Molly’s tapping at the doorframe that woke him at all. He woke sluggishly and sat up, wincing at his own rumpled state, then grabbed his wand and stood up, muttering a spell. His clothes sorted themselves out handsomely in a heartbeat, and a small smile played across his lips. He hadn’t used that spell since he’d been in school. How perfect was it to be able to do such things again…and with a wand that made hard spells easy and easy spells incredible? Draco made his way to the dinner table with just a few more hasty spells to groom himself, his melancholy mood tempered by the constant reassurance that he could change his own environment with magic once again. It was just intoxicating!

For Harry’s part, he’d been ensconced in his room, hunched over his desk, making short notes from his Legilimency texts for hours. The procedure was a little more complex than he’d imagined. To be honest, it was actually a LOT more complex than he’d imagined, but it still wasn’t beyond his level of skill…it was just more time consuming than he’d expected.

He’d be building something like shields around Draco’s memories. Not opaque, absolute walls, but rather more like translucent, shimmering veils that would shelter Draco’s conscious mind from direct contact with things that still tormented him. If Draco wanted to, he could still concentrate and bring forth any memory he chose, but they would seem hazy and indistinct, as if decades had passed instead of weeks or months. The end effect would be that Draco could function as if he’d had years to recover, and the shields would erode very slowly over the years, allowing a very long and gradual process of recovery that would seem entirely natural. There would be no flashbacks or nightmares for many years to come, and when they did come again, there would be nothing as unmanageable as what Draco had already experienced.

There were risks…not so much for Draco, but for whomsoever was building the shields. Legilimency and Occlumency were not arts for the weak of mind, but some people could not handle the things seen in the minds of others. It was possible to become lost in the mind of the subject if one was not both careful and determined. The text actually specified that someone who had a significant emotional attachment to the subject should not attempt this without supervision, but Harry didn’t see much in the way of a choice. There were dozens of wizards and witches skilled in elementary Legilimency or Occlumency, but you could count the number of people in England that were as skilled as Harry on one hand. The worst that could happen to Draco was that the shields in his mind might fail, and it would be traumatic to have all those memories tumbling back into the forefront of his mind at once. Traumatic, but not fatal. Harry’s role would entail much more risk, but it was a risk he was utterly willing to take. He wouldn’t be able to finish his preparations until at least the next night, but he had every intention of talking to Draco before they slept.

Truth be told, Harry held out the hope that, if he showed contrition for breaking his promise, and if he held out as his peace offering the means to give Draco peace of mind and freedom from nightmares, then perhaps Draco wouldn’t refuse to touch him.

It was almost humiliating, and just admitting so much to himself made his cheeks burn, but the idea of Draco not wanting to hold him in the night was sickening. It was sobering to realize just how good such a small thing had made him feel, but it had been a symbol of a lot more. It had been heady, intoxicating, and weirdly nourishing in the extreme. It was everything he’d ever dreamed idly of for years on end. He’d only spent a handful of nights with Draco curled around him, but they’d each been a tiny paradise in the middle of hell, and Harry most definitely did not like the idea of his own cold and empty bed anymore. He’d risk a lot more than this to show Draco how much he cared, and hopefully he could win back a little of the trust and closeness that he‘d just lost.

Molly was talking to Draco in the other room, then came to Harry’s doorway and smiled when she saw him bleary-eyed over a pile of books for Draco’s sake. Supper was ready, and Arthur was home, so Harry marked his page and made his way downstairs. Draco was already at the table with Arthur, and Harry didn’t really want to discuss his hopeful treatment for Draco at the table…it seemed like something he should talk about with Draco alone. It might have been possible to restrain himself from talking about it during their meal, but it wasn’t possible to keep the smile off of his face when he thought about it. Arthur commented on Harry’s chipper mood and Harry just shrugged, letting Draco give him a puzzled look. Ron was already noticing the strange dynamic between them, and he and Molly were the only ones who knew that Harry had a plan for Draco.

Arthur was completely oblivious and drifted off into a story about a streetlamp that had been charmed to dance, disrupting Liverpool traffic in broad daylight. The entire office and several supporting groups of Ministry personnel had been needed to restore order and Obliviate witnesses. His day had been exhausting enough and the few wits he had left were keeping him upright until supper was over. He had no interest in bringing up the vast number of people who had questioned him about Harry and the latest article in The Prophet. That was a subject for private conversation…and certainly not for discussion over one of Molly’s better roasts!

The chatter at the table was muted and vague, distracted by the events of the past day, and Draco was painfully aware of the attempt to make the scene ’normal’. It was sweet, and at least they weren’t cooing over him like before, but it was still a bitter reminder that yesterday’s events had repercussions, and he was at the heart of it all. He found his appetite dwindling, and even though the roast was good, Draco couldn’t keep thoughts of last night from flitting through his head. They all knew. Everyone at the table knew what had happened to him, and they knew what Ron and Harry had done because of it. Draco’s naiveté and Harry’s temper had cost a life. Not the life of a Death Eater…the life of a Quidditch celebrity. This was something that wouldn’t go away. The public at large might not know the truth, but the people that Draco thought of as friends did…and his stomach churned when he thought of what they must think of him.

Draco excused himself early with an apology, and left the table early, heading back upstairs quietly and hoping that they’d understand his desire for a little privacy. He picked a book from the desk in his room and idly flipped pages while he tried to concentrate on more important things. He still had to work tomorrow, though the twins would understand if he didn’t show. He needed to contact Dula, and he was due to visit Hogwarts and Dumbledore again in just another day after that. There were plans to make, and all he could do was mope about and hover on the brink of open self-loathing. It was pathetic.

He was too wrapped in his thoughts to even hear Harry’s footsteps, and he was surprised when Harry’s shadow fell across him from the hall. Draco relaxed a little when he looked and saw Harry smiling, and Harry walked in and sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping a respectful distance between them. Draco fumbled for something to say. Something normal…anything to take the edge off the tension that hung between them now.

“I…I’m sorry I left early. Don’t worry or anything. I just…I wanted some time to think. I’m okay…really. It was just a little too much…being around everyone. You know?”

Harry breathed a sigh that hinted at tension that matched Draco’s own.

“I understand. It’s alright, Draco. I’m sure they understand too. I…uh…I had something I needed to tell you. It’s important, but before I get to it, there are some things I wanted to say first. Okay?”

Draco’s brow creased with concern. Harry sounded earnest and reasonable, and that boded well, but his tone was serious, and Draco couldn’t help feeling like a bomb was about to drop and break the silence as soon as he nodded his assent. He picked idly at some lint on the quilt, trying to maintain a calm appearance, and Harry just took a deep breath and launched into a speech that felt prepared, but truthfully well-intentioned.

“There are things I have to say about…about last night. I wasn’t thinking very clearly, but I see things a little better now. Draco…I can’t tell you with words how sorry I am for breaking my word. Maybe we don’t agree about what I should or shouldn’t have done, but I made a promise, and I didn’t keep it. The only thing that matters to me is that I let you down, and Molly too. I’m not sorry Fenton’s dead, and I’d be lying if I pretended anything else. He hurt you, and I only regret that I couldn’t find a quiet way to make him suffer more for that. I never should have let myself get wrapped up talking to Oliver. It was like a reunion, and he’s a good friend, but I wasn’t paying attention to you the way I should have been. None of that would have happened if I’d been thinking of you first. Apologies aren’t even enough. You deserve more than that.

I’m…Draco…I’m in love with you. I knew it before last night, even before last week. I’m not used to saying it because…because I’ve never been in love before. Do you understand? I’ve never…been…close…to anyone until you. There is so much about you that’s worth loving, and I want to be the person who proves that to you every day. I couldn’t handle someone hurting you, and I can’t remember when the idea of losing someone has ever scared me so much. I’ve hated not being able to help you recover as much as I’ve wanted to, but I finally found a way. I found a way to help heal you…inside.”

Draco had long since looked up from the quilt, and his eyes were wide and shining when Harry paused. His heart had started pounding like a bass drum, and he had to remind himself to breathe. Harry loved him, in spite of all their faults and flaws, Harry loved him…and he’d found something that could help.

’Oh, Merlin! He did it! He said it! He said he loves me. He found something that will make me better. I knew he could do it! Fuck everything else! I don’t care…about the rest of the world. He loves me…and he did it!’

Draco waited eagerly, tensed from head to toe, biting back the urge to cry with relief. Weeks of spells and potions for calm and sleep. Weeks of nightmares and memories and daydreams so repugnant that they made him cringe. Weeks of flinching from the mere threat of being touched, even when he wanted to be touched or held so badly that he thought he’d scream for lack of contact. Even if it wasn’t a cure-all, even if it wasn’t perfect, it would be something better than this.

“Draco. There’s a way to build shields around some of your memories…the ones that make things difficult for you. You’d still have your memories, but it would be like you were remembering the distant past. No more nightmares, no flashbacks, no bad reactions. It would take years to wear off, and it could be done again if necessary. You wouldn’t feel anything worse than a headache, and…and…the only risk is that it might not work if I don’t get it right. You’d be safe no matter what. I can do this for you. I let you down before, and I won’t promise what I can’t deliver, but at least I can give you this.”

Draco didn’t trust himself to get words out properly. He could feel himself trembling uncontrollably, and if he let go of his tenuous grip on himself, he’d fall apart from unrestrained relief and joy. He honestly didn’t want to fall apart until he could realize his dreams entirely, and actually be held by someone…specifically Harry. At that moment, it was hard to imagine doing anything after tomorrow but holding onto Harry for the rest of his life. When he could finally get a few words out, the strain was evident in his voice, but at least Harry could tell he was happy. The earnest smile on Harry’s face said it all. Draco managed to grab hold of Harry’s hand, and if he’d been stronger, his grip would have been crushing from desperation. Harry just smiled all the wider.

“H-Harry! Thank you! Thank Merlin! How? What do we do? What spell is it? Where did you find it…oh, who bloody cares! I love you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Easy, love. I can do this by tomorrow night, as soon as I make sure I have the technique right. It isn’t a spell really…it’s a discipline from advanced Legilimency, mixed with Occlumency. I’ll be occluding parts of your memory for you, in a way that will allow you to remember things only when you want to, not just whenever they spring to mind. You won’t need wards against nightmares or Calming Draughts after this. It might take a few hours tomorrow night, but believe me…I’d do that and more if I had to. I just want to give you this…this…”

Harry paused and faltered, watching the look on Draco’s face. Draco’s eyes were much wider than before, and a look of sick and creeping horror was on his face. Harry felt a thread of panic run through him, mirroring the panic he could see quickly spreading through Draco.

‘He’s a little scared. That’s all. It’s okay…you can calm him down, and once he’s thought about it he’ll be fine…he has to be fine.’

“Draco…it’s…”

“No.”

The word came out strangled and wispy, more a breath than a word. Harry looked utterly crestfallen. The confusion was written all over his face, and just beneath, a hint of poorly hidden hurt.

“But…but it could…”

“No.”

It was the hardest thing to say that Draco had ever tried to voice aloud. Harder than telling Harry how he’d felt, and far harder than speaking of Muggle London or of LeStrange’s tortures.

’It’s…it’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why? Why did it have to be that? I want to sleep…I want to touch…I want my fucking life back! If…if he saw what was in my head, he’d never forgive me, and even if he did, he’d never be able to look at me the same way. Never. If it were anyone else, it wouldn’t matter, but not Harry. Not him. He can’t…I don’t want him to see what I‘ve done. He did it. He really did it. He found a way…but I can’t take it…unless I didn’t mind losing him in the process.’

Harry was looking ruined. Draco had to say something. He had to bite back his tears and say something to make sense of this for Harry. If it meant opening his heart up and saying things that made him sick just to think, it would be better than leaving Harry like this…wondering why Draco would say no.

“I don’t understand…I thought…”

“I…I know. Harry, you are the best and most decent person I’ve ever known, but…but I can’t do this. I…I don’t want you in my head. I know you say you can handle it, and maybe you could, but I just don’t know. I think…I think if you looked at the things I’ve done…you might…you might look at me differently. You’ll say you wouldn’t, but you might. If it was anyone but you…I’d say yes…but I don’t ever want you to…to look at me and see those things. I’m afraid, Harry. I’ve never felt like this before…about anyone…ever. If you…if you looked at me, and only saw those fucking horrible things…I couldn’t stay sane! I’d rather…I’d rather stay like this, than know that when you look at me, all you can see is what I’ve been…what I’ve done. Maybe I’ll be a mess forever, but I’d still have the way you look at me now. Do you understand? I couldn‘t take it…if you looked at me and thought of those things…and I saw it written on your face…I don‘t think I‘m…I‘m not strong enough to take it. Please don‘t ask me to do this…and don’t be hurt because I can’t. Please?”

Harry looked like the world had been torn out from under him and he was just free-falling through some endless void. His shoulders had slumped helplessly, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words that were right.

“’Kay. I…I think I understand. You were…you were right about what I’d say. I couldn’t change how I feel about you, just because of some memories. I’d…I’d swear it, but I broke one oath already. I don’t even know how much my word would mean to you now. If…if you don’t want me…in your mind…I understand. I just…I really wanted to…to be the one that helped you. I…”

Draco bit his lip while listening to Harry ramble. He couldn’t even look up at Draco, and the strain of keeping tears in was making Draco bite harder…until he could taste blood. Pain made it easier to keep control…it distracted him from what was exploding in his heart and mind. Harry got up to shuffle out of the room, and was slinking away like a kicked puppy.

“Maybe…maybe there’s some other way. I’ll…I’ll go and read…I…I’m sorry, Draco. I should go.”

Harry’s thoughts were racing violently, a chaotic whirlwind he couldn’t rein in.

‘He…he doesn’t believe in me. He doesn’t trust me. I broke my word, and I can’t make this better. Maybe he meant it…when he said he loves me…maybe. But he doesn’t trust me…and why should he? I let him go off with that perverted bastard, I almost killed him myself once, I bloody well threatened his life and even his mind, and then I want him to believe that I can help him? I don’t know what the hell I was thinking…he’ll never let me…’

Something clicked in Harry’s mind as he stepped out the door to the room, and he turned slowly, eyes wide with sudden and horrible realization. ‘If it were anyone but you…’ There were no other masters of Legilimency left in England that Harry knew personally. One was dead…and the other…the other he had exiled. Harry knew what he had to do. There was no choice so ugly that, if it benefited Draco, he wouldn’t make it, and this was such a choice. They needed Severus Snape.

“Draco. Did you mean it? When you said…’If it were anyone but me’? If there were someone else…would you let them do this?”

Harry’s tone was level, but his voice was trembling a little, as if he was barely able to believe what he was saying. Draco looked up, helpless, hanging on the edge of complete emotional collapse, and nodded yes.

“There is another. I can find him…write to him. I just have to convince him that I mean it. He could probably do this as well, or maybe even better, than I could. The only problem is…I…we…we don’t get along. It might be hard to get him to come here, but I’ll try.”

Draco sat bolt upright, wiping his nose and eyes. He knew instantly what Harry must be speaking of…and he hadn’t imagined it as possible.

‘Merlin’s Name! Snape! He has to mean Snape! He hates Snape…but…but he’d bring him back…for me!’

“Harry…you mean you’d…you’d forgive…”

“No! I’ll never forgive him…but I’ll let him come back…offer him whatever he wants, put up with him as long as it takes, and make whatever kind of peace we have to…if he can help you.”

“You hate him that much…and you’d still…”

Draco left the question hanging. Harry smiled wanly, thoroughly wrung out by the turmoil still roiling inside of him.

“Don’t you get it, Draco? I’d do anything for you, anything to protect you, anything to make you well. Anything. Whatever it takes. I told you I’d find a way to help you. Now we have one, and I’m not throwing it away because I won’t get the starring role. If it can help you…I’ll make it happen. You’re the only thing that matters here. My pride isn’t worth anything…if you can’t sleep a decent night through beside me. That’s what I meant when I said ’I love you’.”

Draco finally lost it. It was actually fairly gross. Tears he couldn’t stop poured from him, and he was almost laughing through them. Bubbles of snot appeared from his nose, and Harry had come back to the bed, handing over small cloths from the table and letting Draco wipe away the mess every so often. The humiliation was worth it. A small price to pay to know how much Harry really loved him. He’d try to forge a peace of sorts, with a man he’d watched kill his beloved friend and mentor, for Draco. It took awhile for Draco to regain his composure, and when he did, Harry, who had been whispering encouragements and comfort to him, stood quietly to leave.

“If you’re alright, I have to go to my room for awhile. I have…well…I have to write a couple of letters…and these might take awhile to get right. I’d like to owl them out tomorrow while you’re at work, and get this started as soon as possible. I’ll be back by bedtime, alright?”

Draco nodded pitifully, practically glowing with the happiness that suffused his being. Harry smiled shyly and headed for his room, and all that was heard from the hall was the scratching of quill on parchment, and the occasional crumpling of paper as drafts were thrown away. Draco listened carefully, lying still upon the bed in his room, a few last tears trickling down reddened cheeks. He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, still and silent, smiling like some village idiot, and Molly paused to ask after him before going to bed herself. He made a few quick assurances to her that everything was alright…in fact, better than alright, and Molly took his giddy smile as proof that this was true.

Draco peeled away his clothes a bit later, and switched into his pajamas, slipping under the sheets to wait for Harry. He couldn’t quite bring himself to sleep, despite feeling exhausted and wrung out, and Harry was terribly late coming to bed. Draco was dozing fitfully, barely conscious and scarcely alert when Harry finally joined him. The shift of weight upon the mattress only lightly roused Draco from his half-slumber, and he fumbled impatiently, curling toward Harry’s warmth. Harry’s body stiffened with surprise at the suddenness of it, but a second later, Draco was firmly wrapped around his left arm, using Harry’s shoulder as a pillow. Draco’s words were terribly slurred, and Harry was fairly sure that Draco was asleep when he mumbled them, but he was glad to hear them just the same.

“…love you…Harry.”

Harry sighed deeply as he relaxed. It had been a very hard day, and the letter he’d written had left a bitter taste in his mouth. In his opinion, swallowing pride should come with a warning to quickly induce vomiting and call a medi-witch, but he’d done what needed doing, and Draco was by his side. It was worth it a hundred times over…to feel like this. Harry listened to Draco’s soft and even breath, and took a crazy risk. He’d held too much inside today, and just this once, he dared to reach for something more.

Harry leaned his head forward with care, and placed his lips on Draco’s sleeping brow. Draco didn’t budge, and Harry leaned back with a final benediction before letting sleep claim him as well.

“Sleep easy, Draco. I love you too.”

In the pitch black of their room, Harry drifted to sleep without ever having seen the smile that slid across Draco’s dreaming face.


TBC!!!