Close Enough

Ch 47 Lets talk
I slowly sit up after Draco asked me about ordering tea. ‘I have been gone for days, of course he needs to feed.’ I can’t help but think to myself, as I nod slowly. “Tea sounds nice.” I say to him quietly as he smiles at my acceptance of his offer, but I have a condition, “If we can talk while I take my tea.” I watch Draco’s face brighten slightly, as though he was about to suggest the same thing, but I beat him to it. Leaning back against the headboard, watching Draco exit the room to call the Dobby about the tea.

While Draco is gone I ponder over the dream that caused my little episode; not a friendly thing to think about. Resting my head back against the wall, I stare up at the canopy of my bed, trying not to ask myself if what they had said was true. It bothered me to think that the Weasley’s, my parents, Remus, and Sirius blamed me for their deaths; thinking I could have stopped the war and didn’t. Not that I didn’t have that feeling sometimes, I mean once I knew that I was the key to killing him, one would think that I would have gone after him. But I was only a child, Merlin I still am a child. How was I supposed to know how to do it, I mean who was going to tell me what I needed to know; I had to learn it on my own; I had to use my bloody bond with the Snake-Faced-Git to do it too.

Who could have told me what I had to do to kill him? Dumbledore couldn’t. Severus couldn’t. My godfather and Remus couldn’t. So I had to ask myself, who could? Who would know how to kill, bind, and rid the world of old Voldie? It took nearly a year for me to figure it out: VOLDEMORT himself of course! Every person knows their own strengths and weaknesses, thus I began to manipulate the bond in my favor without telling anyone about it. I guess that was my downfall with everyone; I didn’t keep them abridged of my activities to ending the war. Thus they all believed that I was merely sitting on my hands and waiting for the war to end itself.
Not the case, but that doesn’t matter now. No one was there when I killed him; no one knows what I had to achieve to do it. No one saw the hours spent alone training, while the rest of the world slept. You ask me, it was them who sat on their hands; I was only fifteen, and I had to kill a man. Even knowing what kind of man he was, what he did, even seeing it through his eyes, I hate myself for taking a life.

I’d like to think that it was for the good of everyone around me, for the good of the wizarding and muggle worlds alike, that it needed to be done. Sadly I have yet been able to convince myself of such a thing; I only did it to save my own skin. I believed it was him or me, and I decided that it was going to be him. Severus and I had already been working closely together, so me asking him a few ‘probing’ questions about the dark arts didn’t seem out of the ordinary; he was versed in them, and he knew I was going to battle them first hand.

To think that after all of the work that I put into finding out how to kill him, all the time I spent loosing sleep over it, and worrying if I was strong enough. To think that all that time was spent only to have all of those I loved and couldn’t save think it was my fault, made my insides freeze. I hate thinking that they would blame me for their deaths; granted I still do on occasion. Had I been able to stop the war sooner, had I been able to kill him on one of the first occasions in which we met; then my family would be with me, instead of in the Elysian Fields.

I can hear Draco saying thank you to Dobby as he came back down the hall toward our room. In my dream his parents said that Draco blames me for their deaths, because if I had gotten to Voldie quicker then they would not have been found out and, as a result, killed by Voldemort. It was a dream, I know, I’m not crazy; I just wonder if he does blame me for it, if he thinks it’s my fault that he’s alone. That would explain his reaction to my effort to comfort him about them not being here with him.
Draco smiles at me as he prepares my tea for me. It’s a sweet smile; small and soft, almost nonexistent if you didn’t know what to look for. He passes me my tea, “Thank you.”
“Anytime Harry, anytime.” He says, picking up a mug of hot chocolate for himself, before sitting on his bed. We just sat, the sounds of slow sipping occasionally filling the room; otherwise it was very quiet. Draco was the first to crack, “So…. about the other day… I’m sorry….” I looked at him, watched him pick fictional lint off of his duvet, “About what I said… I mean…” he finished, still not looking up at me.
“Don’t worry about it.” I tell him, looking down into the cup in my hands, slowly swirling the liquid it contains.
“It’s not a matter of worrying about it, Harry. It’s a matter of my being an arrogant arse…” he said, probably a little louder than he intended, because he continued more quietly, “I had no right to say what I did… and I know that you are painfully aware of how I feel… missing my family for the holidays… I mean I do now… I just didn’t think about it before I said it.. I was too wrapped up in my own pain for them not being here… not being around for my first Christmas with you.” I heard Draco sigh heavily and looked up at him; finding him mimicking my previous action of swirling his drink slowly, “I just wish they were alive to see us together.” He finished sadly. I knew I had to ask.

“Do you blame me, Draco?” I asked him, as I watched him carefully.
“Blame you? Blame you for what?” Draco asked, looking up at me in deep confusion.
“For them being gone.” I stated flatly.
“WHAT! No! Of course not!” Draco said, his voice radiating his confusion and a sense of anger, “How could you think that? Why would I? That would be stupid of me. It is because of you that we are alive... why would I blame you for them being gone? You didn’t kill them.. Voldemort did.” His voice sounded ragged, and raw, like he was going to cry.

“I don’t know…” I shrugged, looking back into my cup. “It seems everyone else does… because I didn’t stop it sooner.”
“Harry. You did what you could when you could, I could never blame you for something that you didn’t have a hand in!” Draco said, as he climbed onto my bed to sit next to me. “It makes me sad that they are not here, I will not deny that. I was a wreck of myself for a year because they were gone. But I could never blame you for them being gone.” Draco said, gently resting a hand on my knee. “They knew the risks of what they were doing, and were proud to do it. Malfoys are not cowards, or followers. Malfoys are leaders, strong and powerful, and most of all proud. They were both very proud of their work with the Light.” After a moment, Draco leaned closer toward me, “I do not blame you and neither would they. There is no reason for you to blame yourself.” After this statement Draco leaned back, tilted his head slightly to the side, “Why did you ask me that?”
“Curious... I guess.” I said.

“What would make you curious about if……” Draco’s eyes widened slightly, “Is this what you dreamed about Harry? Is this what caused….” His voice faded out in the middle of the question. My face must have given away the answer to the unasked question because his hand was suddenly under my chin forcing me to look at him, “Harry, I don’t care what anyone says about it… nothing in the war was your fault. You ended it, which is all that matters.”
“I didn’t do it for them Draco. And so many people died... I couldn’t save them… my parents... the Weasleys... Remus… Sirius… your parents… and countless others… all counting on me.. I failed them.” Tears streamed down my face, “Look what it did to Ron. His whole family gone, because I couldn’t save them. And now he sits in prison because it pushed him over the edge!”

“Harry… your parents tried to save you, something any parent should do for their child if there is danger; you were not responsible for that. The Weasleys fought as my parents did, because it was the right thing to do, they knew the risks; it was their choice. Sirius and Remus both died valiantly in battle. From what I have heard about both of them, they would not have accepted any less, especially if you were there; yet again, their choice to make. The war was not only yours to fight Harry. No matter what the stupid prats out there say, nothing to do with the war was your fault! You did them a service, a great service. All of us.” Draco pulled himself up next to me, wrapping his strong arms around me, “Someday our children will be able to live in a world that is safe, as will everyone else’s, because of you. Now that is something wonderful, and you can take credit for that. Stop blaming yourself. So we are the last in our line. That is temporary, Harry. I plan on making an honest man out of you, and starting a family someday. We both have family… alive and well…. Right here.” Draco finished his speech giving me a tight hug, before gently wiping the tears from my cheeks.

I wrap my arms tightly around Draco, burying my face in his neck; allowing his scent to comfort me as well as his tight embrace. I can feel him smile against my hair, pulling me gently into his lap, cradling me there; holding me tight to his chest. Whispering in my ear, “I’m right here, my Harry. I love you.” I tense, he notices. “Yes I mean it. You don’t have to say it back, but I wanted you to know how I feel. When I found that you were gone… I was afraid you wouldn’t come back… and Malfoys don’t get afraid.. It’s not something we do… so I thought about why… and it was because if you were gone then I wouldn’t be able to tell you.” I tighten my arms around him, releasing a soft sob.
“I love you too.” I whisper into his neck. His only response is to hold me tighter and kiss my temple, holding me while I cry softly into his shoulder; tears of loss, pain, happiness, and joy all at once.