100 Ways to Kill a Weasley

Severus stopped dead in his tracks when he stepped past the hearth. Something...



It was too quiet. Normally, Hermione was being noisy somewhere, even if it was downstairs in the muffled lab clinking beakers together. He walked down the plush hallway. Ah, the door was closed. It wouldn\'t be beneath him to sneak in on his passionate wife and... well, barrel roll her through the hay.



Pressing open the door, he walked in to see Hermione wrapped in sunlight, her brown ringlets falling wildly over her shoulders. She had been taking a nap naked. And... was sweating?



Vases, mirrors, glasses, and the windows were shattered by the pressure emitted from Severus Snape. The wooden window frames clanked against the awnings. Hermione\'s eyes were downcast, but as she raised them, a small smirk played on her crimson lips.



He jumped onto the bed, striding unceremoniously toward the window he was sure the \'visitor\' had left through. Sure enough, on the horizon there was a flaming red dot.



"Who was your paramour, Mrs. Snape?"



His deadly whisper did not serve to jostle her like it would a prepubescent child in his classroom. "You can\'t bully me, Mr. Snape."



With no shame, her half-closed lids gave her an aura of sexuality that even he found hard to resist. Jumping back down to the floor, Snape whipped around and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "What have you done, Hermione?"



"How far back do you want me to go?"



Severus\'s hand itched to slap her for her cheeky response. ITCHED. But his adage had always held true. A woman worth hitting was a woman worth dumping. If she ever got that bad, he\'d just kill her and be free of the trouble. Instead, he went to the closet, rustling behind seventeen black robes before pulling out a broom.



"Remember your beau, Mrs. Snape."



As Severus flew out the window, Hermione saluted.



* * *



Four hours later, Snape came back through the closed window, breaking out the glass anew with a kick. He didn\'t seem overly shocked to see her still there, sprawled across his covers, stretching like a very voluptuous kitten. He didn\'t stop for long, heading straight toward the sink.



Only a few red stains were on his white sleeves when he returned, furious, murderous eyes boring toward his wife. She watched him unperturbed as he meticulously buttoned his sleeves back down. "Your little evening friend is dead. I hope you\'re happy to have sunk your claws in and shorten his life."



She purred with a smile. Severus sneered, what in the living Hell had gotten into her? He had choked a man to death because of her, and all she was doing was mewling. "Has someone given you a lust potion? Are you under a spell? What is wrong with you?"



Hissing, Hermione had risen off the bed and threw one of the repaired crystals at Severus.



"Enough is enough," he walked over to her, throwing her down to the bed. "Answer me, lust potion or hex?"



"I\'m just crazy for you, Mr. Snape."



He was done. "Fine, you want some of this, Mrs. Snape?"



Her eyes lit up, and all Severus wanted to do was make her realize what horrors she had done. Taking his belt, he turned her onto her stomach. "I don\'t think your father did enough of this."



Hermione groaned. "You know, I love when you punish me."



Severus blinked.



* * *

A/N: Okay, I\'ll try to be quiet now and read from the sidelines like I\'m good at. But some of these things were just hitting me out of nowhere!