Redeem Me

DISCLAIMER: Warning! I make no claim to any property of J.K. Rowling's, and am in no way profiting by this. I do offer her my sincerest thanks for allowing us this garden of the mind in which we play. Further Warning! This story...and likely any I ever write…are dominated by gay themes and characters. That's how it is, if this in any way makes you uncomfortable...do not read further.

Redeem Me…by Samayel

Chapter 47: Bittersweet Irony


Draco’s lack of sleep caught up with him later that afternoon. The giddy excitement of his new wand had passed (but it was still thrilling to look at and use), and the flat-out fear of seeing Ron arrested for Harry’s crime was gone as well. With those things went the energy that had kept him conscious all day. It wasn’t difficult to excuse himself and slip upstairs for a nap, and now that he had a wand he could even cast the nightmare warding spell by himself…though when he mentioned this, Harry looked slightly disappointed. Mostly, Draco wanted time to rest and think…alone.

There were so many things whirling through his mind that, even as exhausted as he was, sleep came with difficulty. Dula had spells for him, and he only had one more day of work this week before Saturday came, and he and Molly would make the trip to Hogwarts again. He rather urgently wanted to see Dumbledore, and not just because he needed a few questions answered. The old man in the portrait had a lot more confidence in Draco than Draco actually had, and it would be good to hear some of that right now.

Ron was a sudden possible ally, with information about the war and the destruction of Horcruxes that might prove vital…especially since he’d helped destroy at least three of them. He was also Harry’s closest friend, and if he and Draco could unite to help Harry, perhaps Harry wouldn’t see it as a betrayal by Draco alone, but rather a well-intentioned intervention. It really was just that…a well-intentioned intervention…but it didn’t feel like that when Draco was awake in the middle of the night, beside a gentle and handsome young man that clearly adored him and trusted him…while Draco plotted ways to check his power and watched for weaknesses. At moments like that, nausea crept up on Draco, and the urge to vomit was most overpowering when he imagined what Harry would say to him…how Harry would look at him when or if he found out. There could be nothing more horrible than the severing of the weird innocence that had grown between them these past weeks.

Draco pieced together more theories for Dumbledore to test, including a complete mental list of Harry’s symptoms. The weird heat of his anger, the amoral choices he made about his use of his powers, the nightmares, and his peaceful slumber after killing in cold blood, when only a night before he’d needed nightmare wards just like Draco, and often woke with headaches. It was connected, and Draco was certain that it was all tied to Voldemort’s influence over Harry. There were a lot of questions that waited for Dumbledore’s input, and it all hinged on what Draco might glean from Dula’s spells.

Last of all, and least desired, the memories of the previous night were still fresh in his mind. Alone in his room, Draco realized he was napping in his clothes, and it occurred to him that just didn’t want to ‘feel’ naked anymore. He didn’t want to feel vulnerable in any way, for anyone. Somewhere inside, the urge to hold onto Harry was alive, but he couldn’t bring himself to embrace it, knowing that Harry was out of control and completely capable of cold-blooded execution. How could he want to cling to someone who killed without even a hint of remorse?

Fenton had terrified Draco far worse than the bastard would ever know. Every ugly memory that Draco had struggled to disassociate himself from had sprung to life again, and they haunted him even while he spoke. Dozens of laps, each different yet all blurring into one, pressed close to his face while he fumbled with hands and mouth to satisfy a stranger who offered money…offered survival. MacNair had rarely bothered with anything but an immediate and brutal assault on Draco’s backside, and that had been dehumanizing enough. It was still freakish and bizarre to think of the act itself as anything desirable, but the way he felt about Harry had sent his mind stumbling into the notion again. It was only by the narrowest of margins that he’d avoided having Fenton do the same thing to him that MacNair so often had, and the very thought of it sent a shudder of revulsion through his entire body.

He’d given in so very quickly, taking the familiar path to safety that had served him for so many months, and then for weeks on the streets of London. He’d been helpless without magic at his command, and he’d grown used to helplessness. It had been a way of life, a constant fact that wasn’t disputed. Surrender had been his watchword, and it had been all that kept him alive. By giving in and accepting whatever happened, he’d made it possible to live through things that would have driven some people to St. Mungo’s…but what happened when he didn’t have to surrender anymore? Did he even know how to do anything else? Was it part of why he hungered to feel Harry inside of him? Would he feel safer if he let himself go and just let Harry take control, doing what was almost familiar by now, the only difference being the affection between them?

He’d hated himself so much last night, and much of that emotion was still in place. No matter how much they cheered him for getting Ron off the hook with the Ministry, Draco knew that he was still practically a complete victim at heart, and the awful thought that maybe he would never be anything else came to him more than once before sleep came to him.

Harry’s scent was on the pillows and sheets, and Draco breathed deeply while he tried to nap, filling his lungs to capacity with air that held Harry’s taste. His eyes were closed, and a tear rolled down his cheek and hit the pillow, tickling the skin beside his ear as it traveled.

‘I don’t know what to do. I need him…even with how he is…I need him. There has to be something to believe in. Something has to go right. Someday. I don’t want to be alone. I…I don’t want somebody else…I want Harry. Why? Why couldn’t he fight it a little harder? So much power…and he could do anything…but he still kills. What if he likes it? What if he never stops liking it? Will there ever be somebody I could want this way? Will I ever want to hold someone else? Dula said things change…and he had other lovers before Charlie. I just can’t see that far ahead. From here, everything just looks black. So...tired.’

Sleep closed its jaws on Draco, and devoured him whole in seconds, and only flickering images were left to him in his restless slumber.

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‘This is complete shite. What the hell was I thinking? Everything almost went straight to hell! Ron could have been sent to bloody Azkaban, and Draco never should have been left alone at the bloody party…not even if he wanted to be! Everything seemed so clear before. I knew what I was going to do, and I just did it. Now it’s all fucked and I haven’t a fucking clue what’s next. He wouldn’t even touch me last night…what does that mean? I know he’s disappointed about…about Fenton…and the promise, but what did he expect? Was I supposed to just say, ‘Oh…he raped you, huh? Was he any good?’ I’m just sorry I couldn’t think of something more painful than a lengthy Crucio. That fucker deserved to die, get dragged back to life, and then die even slower the second time.

Draco kissed me. I don’t give a fuck about the papers. I don’t care about what they or anyone else says…it was brilliant. I could…I could actually feel how much he wanted me. Ginny never felt like that. It always seemed like she playing a game and knew the ending already, but Draco…Draco felt sooo good next to me. It was hell not wrapping my arms around him, but I did it. I have to do something…anything. I can make this right somehow. I have to.’

Harry paced the edge of the property, locked in thought as he walked away his tension. Ron was a good-hearted fellow, and he’d never even thought to blame Harry for nearly getting him arrested. He didn’t even feel he was owed anything for what he’d done on Draco’s behalf. Right now he was in the kitchen chatting with Molly and talking over what to do with his life if he couldn’t find another team to play for. Ron’s skill was unquestionable as a Beater, but his reputation was terrible before this, and now it was completely ruined. He’d saved Draco before things had gone any further than Draco’s attempt to appease Fenton with a blow job, and Ron had done it at the cost of his career. If anything, Harry owed him for taking the suspicion off of Harry, as well as for rescuing Draco from a bad spot while Harry had been merrily chattering away with Oliver Wood.

Harry started walking back toward the house. His mind was made up. Apologizing was…unpleasant, even at the best of times, but it would take an apology and more if he wanted to show Draco that he was sorry. It still confused him sometimes…the way he felt about Draco. There was admiration, because Draco had principles he’d never had in school, and he was willing to stand up for them, and there was a restless hunger in Harry that he’d never felt for another person before. Desire…all consuming and constant. Draco made him feel glad to be alive, and even though he’d been content this last year, he couldn’t honestly say that he’d been happy. Draco had changed that almost immediately. Just a few short weeks, and his days had begun to revolve around seeing Draco healthy and happy. Now it hurt Harry to see Draco afraid or unhappy…and Draco was clearly unhappy.

The other thing that confused Harry was his own change of pace this day. He felt clear-headed and well rested, and it did occur to him that he hadn’t needed to ward against nightmares to sleep well. Why today of all days? Wouldn’t nightmares recede the longer he went without killing? Why would they go away when he did kill? It didn’t make sense. He’d been tired, irritable and muddled until this morning, and he’d coped well enough with it over the past week. He was reminded of something Draco had said. About killing being no good for him…about it making him want more of the same. He hadn’t forgotten Draco’s worry over him, or the promises he’d made. They were just hard to remember when some sleazy bastard had attacked and terrified his boyfriend.

‘Boyfriends. Are we boyfriends? Is this for real, or is it just some pipe dream that couldn’t possibly pan out? I can’t just be kidding myself over this…it has to be worth it. There has to be something I can do to show much I care. I’ve never been anybody’s boyfriend…or lover…or anything, damn it! I want this! I want it so bad I can almost taste it. The war’s over, no one will AK him or take him away. I can protect him well enough. I can love him and he won’t disappear or die. I deserve this…don’t I? I saved the fucking world…and it only cost me most of the people I loved. Life OWES me this. I can’t just let this fall apart. I shouldn’t even be out walking…I belong at the books…looking for a way to help him recover…help him forget…forget…FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck!

There’s a way! He was so terrified of being Legilimized that I never even thought about it! I know which book it’s in, too! I’ve been looking for spells that calm or heal or modify memories…but I never even thought about advanced Legilimency and Occlumency. There are only a handful of people in the world who would know to do this…and I’m one of them. I could build shields around the worst memories. They wouldn’t go away…but they wouldn’t be able to cause nightmares, and he wouldn’t have those flashbacks all the time. It could work! He’d forgive me for anything if I could do this for him! YES!’

Harry broke into a sprint, and headed for the house at a dead run. He skidded to a halt at the back door and strolled into the kitchen, grinning like a maniac. Molly and Ron looked at him quizzically, wondering what had Harry so cheerful all of a sudden. Harry kept his voice down, knowing full well that Draco was trying to sleep, but it was hard to fight his excitement.

“I got it! I figured it out! I’ve got a way to help Draco sleep better…cope better…he might even be able to take a pat on the shoulder without trying to run for the door. The only reason I didn’t think of it before now was because I only read of it once…in a text for Advanced Legilimency and Occlumency, and when I mentioned Legilimizing him last month, he panicked because I was angry at the time. I can do this…he’ll be better than ever. I just have to read up on it and make sure I have the technique down pat before I try it. He’s gonna be thrilled when he hears this.”

Molly looked worried for a moment, and frowned a little while Ron delivered a high five to Harry.

“Oh. Oh, dear. Harry…are you sure it’s safe? Tinkering about in someone’s noggin doesn’t sound easy to me. I’m not sure Draco would even want someone to see the things he’s seen. He’s very private about those things, and who can blame him? Now don’t be upset if he needs some time to think about it all before making any choices. Understand?”

Harry looked crestfallen. The idea of Draco not wanting to subject himself to Legilimency hadn’t occurred to him. This wasn’t a threat of any kind. Harry would see things in Draco’s mind, but he would never tell them to others. He was in love with Draco, and he hoped Draco was in love with him enough to endure just one session that could greatly improve his life.

“But…but…it would make him feel better. You don’t really think he’d say no…do you? This could change everything. For the better. He’ll understand…at least…I think he will.”

“Maybe he will, Harry. Maybe he will. I’m just saying that he might not be ready to have someone in his mind after the things he’s been through. Don’t be hurt if he’s not ready. You should do the research and make sure you can do this for him…but don’t expect him to do anything he’s not ready for.”

Harry shuffled his feet nervously, still too excited to be calmed by Molly’s disheartening thoughts.

“Okay. I’ll hit the books now. I’ll make sure I know this inside and out before I even think about trying it. I wouldn’t risk anything going wrong…not for Draco…not for anything. I’ll be in my room.”

Harry slipped up the stairs quickly and quietly, leaving Molly and Ron at the table in the kitchen, sipping their tea in silence. Molly allowed herself a moment of serious concern.

‘Of all the things that could help that poor boy, why did it have to be Legilimency. He can’t let Harry into his mind…he isn’t an Occlumens…and he can’t hide his thoughts. Harry would know what we’ve been trying to do. This could ruin everything. Oh, gods. I hope he understands when Draco says no. Harry is making enough poor judgments lately…we don’t need him all torn up inside as well. Poor Draco. We finally have a way to help him, and it can’t be used without risking Harry simply exploding. It isn’t fair, but it will just have to wait until we’ve helped Harry.’

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Harry paused at the door to Draco’s room and looked in. Draco was still in his clothes, curled on his side and wrapped around a pillow. Harry’s pillow. He looked so fretful…even in his sleep, that it almost made Harry sick.

‘I can fix this. I can make him well. It’s all possible…I could hold him in my arms and he wouldn’t be afraid. We could be lovers, like other people. He could sleep the night through and never cry out again. I can do this for him. If he loves me…if he really loves me, he won’t be afraid to let me in. I’ll tell him everything. How I feel. What I think. What I want. If he knows those things…how could he say no?'

Harry headed for his room with a purpose that guided him absolutely. He would get the book, find the chapter, and study until his eyes burned if he had to, but he would make this happen. Draco would know how important he really was to Harry, and he would say yes once he understood. Draco would never wake up with a scream on his lips again. Never.


TBC!!!