How They Fell

Chapter Forty Four


His Grandfather had been gay?

Had liked men?

The person he had based himself on. The strongest, most respectable person who he could think of had been gay!

It was unbelievable. It was…But he found himself speechless, sitting on his bed stock still, the papers still scattered around him.

Struggling, his mind tried to grapple with the idea, with the complete reversal of almost everything he had taught himself to believe in the last year. He had looked up to his grandfather as the paragon of the old blood. Strong, aloof, powerful and controlled. To find that in reality he could be week, warm and unable to deny his desires – it at once ripped the last semblances of flawlessness from the image he had been fed of the old blood and, at the same time filled him with a sense of abandon.

Cold truth washed through his being. His family wasn’t perfect. But you could still appear to be perfection if you hid your secrets well enough. His Grandfather had kept it unknown to anyone but a few for his entire life and for many years following. And despite liking men he had still been everything that Draco had, and still did, look up to and admire. Being gay for his grandfather had had no effect on his personality, on his behaviour, or on his social standing.

Suddenly, for the first time, he began to find fault with the image of the gay wizard that was so ostracised by society. His grandfather hadn’t been effeminate, he wasn’t week, he wasn’t girl-like. His sexual preferences had no effect on his magical potency, just on whether he passed on the magic to his children.

It was a social control mechanism, this hatred of homosexuality, nothing more. It did not impact on any other aspect of his life. He wouldn’t become that stereotype because it did not exist.

And all at once Draco thought of Harry, standing miserable and confused in that room overlooking the Hogwarts grounds.

Harry had been right.

It flashed across his brain like a bolt. Harry had been right.

He had to find him, to explain, to apologise, anything, he had to go…

He was out of his room and running across the castle before he could register his actions. There was no consideration in his head just a certainty that he had to find Harry. He ran through corridor after corridor only half recognising that that was the classroom they had once met in, that was a broom closet that Harry had shoved him into. It was only when he ripped open the curtains that concealed the hidden room and saw the figure standing in the middle of it that he stopped.

He stood for a few moments, the curtain half open and falling around him, catching his breath and watching the figure in front of him.

Harry stood straight, his eyes fixed unbendingly on the scene in front of him. His head was tilted at an angle, his hands in his pockets. With a sense of inevitability he pulled the curtains closed behind him and stepped into the room. As if sensing his presence Harry half turned towards him, jumping into the air and whirling round when he fully realised that there was another person present.

When his eyes recognised Draco he stopped moving. Their visions met and ill ease and discomfort sprang out of nowhere. Harry’s posture instantly became more defensive and Draco suddenly realised that he was shocked to find himself here, facing Harry, not knowing what to say only that it was necessary to express it correctly.

They looked at each other blankly for a few heartbeats before resentment filled Harry’s face and anger made him speak.

“Why are you here Malfoy?” He asked, voice dripping with all of their old enmity.

Draco felt himself wilt briefly, but the importance of what he had to explain gave him strength.

“I”

But he stopped. He didn’t know what to say, how on earth to begin. He took a step closer and said the only thing he could.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Harry’s brows drew together. He didn’t need Malfoy wasting his time right now.

The look was daunting, but he took another step forward and tried to be honest.

“I – I’m sorry. I haven’t thought this through, and now I’m rather…stuck.”

“Why are you here Malfoy?” Harry repeated, his voice just as it had been in the last six years of hatred and hostility.

Draco’s eyes briefly dropped to the floor at his tone, before they determinedly rose. He wasn’t really sure why, or what he was trying to explain, he just knew he had to.

“I don’t know exactly. I – there – I realised something.” It came out as a rush.

“What?” Harry demanded impatiently.

“I – I’m my own person. My family doesn’t dictate who I am.” Why was it so freeing to say?

Draco could see the confusion on Harry’s face and knew that it was because, to the other boy such a thing had been blindingly obvious for his entire life.

“I don’t understand.” Harry stated, the simplicity of the statement softening his tone.

Draco drew a deep breath. “So – I realised, that I can be who I want, who I am and that – and that it doesn’t matter if…”

His voice trailed off but his eyes replaced them, fixing themselves on Harry’s, worries, desires and questions evident within them.

Harry swallowed hard, his body loosening, becoming less defensive.

They paused again, staring at each other. Then Draco started again, his voice slightly more in control.

“I guess I want to apologise – for before. I was, I acted stupidly.”

Harry didn’t try to speak, but listened intently.

“Can we – can we forget all that?” Draco asked softly, moving uncertainly yet further into the room. “Can we go back to before?” He almost whispered it, only realising when he said it that that was what he wanted, why he came.

The pause while Harry digested everything he had just said was horrible. And once again he was forced to wait on another person’s decisions and feelings and he hated it. Hated watching the fleeting looks of indecision pass over Harry’s face. Hated the way his eyes flicked to the floor, not to him. Found it sweet beyond words that Harry was absentmindedly picking at his shirt sleeves.

And then it was over. Over with Harry’s swift realisation that he wanted Draco. Right now, at this moment despite everything that had happened, he wanted him.

To his disbelief Draco watched as Harry took in a deep breath of air then nodded his head once, shakily.

He drew in a nervous breath and paused briefly, uncertainly. Wondering if there was more to explain, knowing there was, and yet wanting to confirm the small victory of that moment. But the distance between them seemed like too much to cross all in one go.

“I - I guess I should explain, some, some other things.” He stammered.

“Yeah. That would be good.” Harry said, the warmer tone of his voice and longer utterance making Draco feel easier. The muscles in his face relaxed a bit as he considered what to say.

“Right.”

They paused again.

“I guess I should start with why – why I stopped it. I don’t think you really understood…” He took a deep breath, he wasn’t sure that he had ever had to explain his actions in this much detail.

“You see,” he began again, “I thought that the most important part of me was that I belonged to my family, that I was a Malfoy. I – I was brought up to believe it.”

Harry nodded signalling that he understood.

“So, I thought that my personality, had to, to kind of fit with my family. I had to reflect everything they stand for, I had to try to be them. And that meant that I couldn’t…that you and me couldn’t…” Draco stopped speaking, and looking up noticed the confused look on Harry’s face.

“But I understood that. You explained…”

“I did, but I didn’t think you understood…”

“Why?” Harry asked blankly.

“You glared at me.” Draco said simply.

“When?”

“In Potions the next day. I nodded to you and you glared at me.”

“I did that because you only nodded to me, you made it clear that you were going to do exactly what you did last time; you were going to ignore me again. Of course I glared!” Harry said forcefully, his impatience and anger at that moment coming back. “You were going to stop being friends with me again!”

“I had to, I explained that.”

“No, you said that you couldn’t go out with me anymore. I thought we would still be friends.”

“How could we have been friends?”

Harry flushed suddenly and stepped back violently.

“I – I mean!” Draco amended quickly, one hand reaching out towards Harry to stop him. “I couldn’t have spent time with you and not, not be tempted to kiss you again, to be with you.” It was a hard truth to say out loud. “I had to cut myself off or I would never manage it! Or, at least I thought I had to.”

“Oh! I see…” Harry said, understanding for once evident in his face. Then with unexpected focus. “You thought you had to?”

Draco nodded mutely. “I realised, just now, just before I came to see you, that my family was part of who I was, not – not the other way round. I – I know it sounds trite, but it means that I can be who I want to be, I can…”

Draco hesitated, running out of words again.

“I can…” He repeated not able to say what he wanted and knowing that Harry would not answer for him. Knowing that he had to prove he wanted this.

Very tentatively Draco stepped forward, uncertain and nervous as he came closer to Harry. He could feel the tension of the moment fizz through him, giving him courage, making him unutterably nervous. And then he was standing in front of him again and it was familiar and warming. Then their mouths were close together, their bodies tantalisingly close. And everything was breathless and waiting, pausing on that cusp of the moment before they fell.

Then they were kissing each other and their bodies were pressing closer together, hands gently exploring, both only half believing that this was happening. Then Draco deepened the kiss, pulling Harry into him so that their bodies were flush against each other.

He had forgotten how good it felt to simply kiss Harry, and now it was all flooding back and he knew that Harry was remembering too. Harry pulled back a little mumbling against his lips.

“Missed this, missed you. Why I glared – stupid.”

Draco nodded slightly and then kissed him again, hungry to drown in the feel of Harry once more. It made his chest ache in excitement and his breath come short to kiss Harry like this again.

But Harry pulled back a second time, his eyes serious as they looked into Draco’s.

“So – so this is?” He asked uncertainly.

And Draco felt a thrill of nervousness and excitement fill him at the question.

“Starting where we left off?” He asked gently, his nose butterfly kissing Harry’s but every part of him waiting for Harry’s inevitable tensing and step back that would follow. But it didn’t, instead Harry nodded and Draco felt warmth balloon inside his chest. Then they were kissing again, their hands tangling in hair and feeling over backs and sides and necks.

Draco’s arm moved to Harry’s waist and up his back as the excitement grew, pulling him closer, needing him to be closer. And suddenly their bodies were pressed against each other making them dizzy and breathless, utterly caught up in the kiss.

But it wasn’t quite enough, both of them thrilled and ached for more and they began to kiss each other harder, more passionately. Then there was a moment of indecision. Draco felt Harry pause and knew that they had reached the point when one of them used to draw away, but he felt reckless in his new decision and drawing back slowly he fixed his eyes on Harry’s as his hands caught hold of Harry’s shirt and began to lift it up. He saw the gleam of understanding in Harry’s eyes and felt something within him soar when Harry raised his arms allowing Draco to pull it up and over his head.

The shirt fell to the floor and there was a moment of uncertainty before Harry used Draco’s robes to pull him closer, undoing the buttons until it too fell to the floor. They revelled in the sensations created by bare skin, their mouths detached breathless and they clung together, not sure what more to do, until Draco bit playfully at Harry’s earlobe making Harry laugh. Smiling at Draco he kissed his neck, moving down to his shoulder making Draco shiver. And then their movements became forceful and passionate again as they pressed themselves into one another, their arms holding the other tightly. And then Harry’s hand was wondering over his stomach, hovering cautiously over the button of his jeans. He kissed Harry’s mouth urging him to continue while his own fingers mimicked Harry’s actions.

It was more glorious than he could imagine and they clung there like that, breathless and gasping before their lips once more found each other and their hands began to move. They did not kiss for long, urgent need and exquisite sensations making them pull their mouths away and shudder together speechlessly before their hands fell from one another and they lent into the wall and sank bonelessly down it, their limbs still entwined.

Sitting there he could feel all the places where their bodies touched, could hear the sound of Harry’s deep breaths and he leant back drowning in the peace of the moment. Then he turned his head towards Harry to find the other boys eyes on him and satisfied happiness glimmering there.

That night they spent talking, ranging from big things to the trivial but with frequent interruptions, until, exhausted they conjured blankets and, curling up around each other, fell asleep.

* * *

They woke the next morning as soon as the sun shone across the lake, Draco’s head on Harry’s chest, Harry’s arms around his waist. But Harry was surprised to wake up rather cold and broke any uncertainty between them by informing Draco that he should have realised that he would hog the blankets. They both laughed and any possible discomfort was gone.

Between kisses and other diversions they managed to get dressed, and together they made their way down stairs, their hands joined between them. There they separated, it was early in the morning and they could still get a few hours sleep before breakfast. They agreed to spend the day together, before, with a final stolen kiss, they went their separate ways.


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Author's note: Happy new year everybody!!! And, as ever so much thanks to everyone who has reveiwed!