Jaded

JADED

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.

A/N: I decided to use underlines instead of italics on this one, because when I write something (with actual pen and paper) this is what I do when I want to emphasise something. Hopefully it’ll give you more of a ‘letter’ sense, as this is, in fact, a letter.

It’s short, I know, I thought you’d be grateful it’s only three pages and not fourteen…

..oo00oo..

Chapter Forty-three: I never thought I’d need so many people
(Title from ‘Five years’ by David Bowie from the album ‘The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust and the spiders from Mars’ which has to be the longest album title in history- but what an album…)

..o0o.. ..o0o.. ..o0o..

11.03.2004
(Note that it’s been five years since the last chapter… yes, the correlation between the chapter’s name and the date isn’t coincident)

Ronald Bilius Weasley!

I hope you have a damn good excuse for not showing your ugly face here today! I cannot believe you ignored our specific invitation to come to the grand opening of mine and Harry’s new shop in Diagon Alley. Yes, yes, I know, you and Harry are not on ‘speaking terms’ anymore but for the love of Merlin! Your entire family was there, and yes, that includes that gingery brother of yours, Percy who could bore even a flabberworm to tears in under five minutes (and ate nearly all the vanilla puffs, I might add) so unless you’re on your death bed or beyond (and your mother assured me you’re in perfect health) you really have no bloody excuse for not showing up!

And just for that sheer audacity you shall have to be punished! Yes, you read right. And your punishment (since I don’t plan on flying halfway across the world and spanking you) will be to read on and discover what everyone who’s anyone is doing these days. Muhahahaha, by the way.

So, where shall we start… I think we shall start with Hermione, the girl that if you had a little more sense and love for big front teeth you’d be married today. Instead, you chose to be completely unaffected by her charms and thus left an opening for your notorious enemy. At the moment, I believe they are back together. Pretty sure of it. I think. Wait, what day is it? Yes, Hermione and Draco’s relationship is as fickle as… A ficklish thingy that is fickling its way through a sea of non-fickling other thingies. Yes.

Moving on… Next is your favourite professor- yes, you guessed it- Sseeeeeeeverus Snape! What is there to say? Still teaching, still potions, but much less snarky, which in it’s own rights is down right unfair if you ask me. The man we all grew up loving to hate is now a sensible family man, a loving father and by gods it’s annoying. Though Cleois quite adorable. You should see the way she switches forms every time she sneezes. I’m telling you, this kid is a hoot at parties. Too bad Tonks says it’ll go away as soon as she’s old enough to control her magic.

And now, the coolest man in England takes stage again. As suave and charming as always, minus the trauma of being in prison for twelve years and then ‘dead’ for three more, this is Sirius Black! I’m telling you, if I’d have gone through what he had, I’d probably do the same. And by same I mean party till my ears fall off. I don’t think any bird in London is safe from him. And all because he’s got the time, he’s got the money, he’s got the looks and he’s got the moves. Plus he’s usually paying for everyone’s drinks, so…

As for me, well, I’m not sure what your mother’s been telling you (homophobic wench that she is and all) but I’m currently flying solo. It’s a long story but let’s just say that it seems that Oliver and I don’t share the same views on what a ‘relationship’ entitles… In his eyes, it includes far more people than just me… So I’m on my own, baking my misery away and hoping to find a man that would appreciate my… buns.

On a happier note I think your mother has given up on the world. Or at least about her children, and yes Ronald, that includes you- Mr. Runaway to the other side of the world and leaving your mother all alone surrounded by a bunch of good for nothing homos, I mean sons. I think the final straw was when George, of all your lot, moved in with his boyfriend. I bet she never mentioned that in one of her letters. Your bother shacking up with a gorgeous Brazilian… Maybe that’s why I can’t get a decent shag, I’m cruising for hotties on the wrong side of the pond!

I bet Molly did give you all the exciting news about the rest of your family… Please note the sarcasm as I’ve never seen such a bunch of goody-goodies in my life. Mummy says ‘get married’ they all do (except for Bill who’s been terrified back into pussy by your mother and is now rather indecisive), mummy says have loads and loads of babies and they all do. I’m surprised you don’t have a brood of your own by now. Or maybe you do and we don’t know because you’re hiding away from Harry!

Uh-oh, did I just say the ‘H’ word? Naughty, naughty me… slap my wrist and bend me over a desk. Grow the hell up Weasley! Yes, Harry is still alive, yes he’s still with Remus and guess what? (gods I wish I could see your face right now…) They’re MARRIED. Not just living together, not just shagging, but actually, honest to gods, rings and flower-girls married. So I guess you can just drop your little ‘I’m not talking to you until you come to your senses and flee the monster’s dreaded clutches’ drama-queen incarnation and come back home because frankly my dear, no one gives a damn.

And just to make your day a little brighter, if you haven’t stuffed your clocks on a cardiac arrest by now, guess what, Harry and Remus are going to be parents! Yes, indeed. I wish I could say it was the natural way, but I have a feeling that would really do you over, so no, Harry did not get pregnant, though Sirius still seems to think it would be the greatest joke of the century.
They are currently waiting on the final papers to be drawn up and signed (So nice and ever so efficient to have a best friend that is also an arguer- yes, I said best friend, because you my darling Ron were kicked out of the spot when you failed to deliver and Draco was courteous enough of step in) but in about a month or so they are going to be the proud owners, I mean parents… of a lovely little boy called Aaron.

He’s four years old, and before you go nattering about how werewolves should never be allowed to have children and all that rot, Aaron is a werewolf. Aren’t you just delighted to know that a four years old child could undergo such horror? The fucking ministry practically dumped the poor boy on Remus and Harry because his parents were too cowardly to deal with him and the ministry was too scared to actually acknowledge him. So now he’s going to be Aaron Lupin, or as we like to call him, Finn, and he’s the most adorable kid and cub ever. And guess what? I get to be his godfather! So exciting! The boy will weigh six stones by the time he’s five if I have a say in it!

Are you still here? Still breathing normally? That purple vein in your forehead all calmed? Didn’t incinerate the letter yet? Good, then it’s time to let you know your punishment is over. Mostly because I ran out of interesting people to write about. So, whenever you feel like showing your freckles in the ‘Sugardust’ (that the name of our shop, by the way and just for the record, I wanted to call it ‘Buns’ but Harry said it was ‘too naughty’, blah blah blah), there will be vanilla puffs waiting for you (unless that pig you call brother gets to them first)

With all my love, and all that crap you write at the end of letters,

Seamus.

A/N:

YAY!!! It’s done and over with! (Dances around madly, stumbling across the sofa and stubbing big toe, hopping around on one foot and falling flat on my arse- and don’t think that just because it all happens in my head I’m less susceptible to clumsiness!)


So, thank you for baring with my moods and long, long periods of un-dating (you know, like the opposite of up-dating… never mind). I’m really glad that you liked this story and hopefully I’ll see in my next one.

And a really big, huge, enormous thank you to my faithful beta- Dragon who had to put up with my atrocious spelling and grammar mistakes and did such a splendid job.

Lilyyuri.

P.S. The sequel to 'Jaded' is called 'Mini Moomy' and is work is progress at the moment. You can catch it on fanfiction.net or hpfandom.net at the moment under my penname (Lilyyuri- of course). I will post it here too eventually.