Ashes of Armageddon

Upon his return to St. Mungo\'s, Severus proceeded to work on the vaccine, and did his best to banish the thoughts of his visit to Harry\'s workplace out of his mind. And that visit did not pass without a trace.



At nights, the void was still there, painful and lonely, but for now, it had stopped growing, and Severus was happy for that, if nothing else.



During the days, whenever he remembered his visit, he was deliriously and madly hopeful one moment, and immensely embarrassed, the next. For the most part, though, he was embarrassed. Somehow, in a moment of euphoria, he had lost all common sense and inhibition, and crawled to receive affection from his former student – like a stray puppy who suddenly was welcomed into a home, he thought with derision.



He could only imagine what Harry\'s reaction must have been afterwards. Pity? Amusement? Desperate hope that Severus didn\'t get any ridiculous ideas for anything else? Harry\'s words of affection still came to mind once in a while, but Severus saw no other choice but to dismiss them as manifestation of loneliness, guilt, and misguided desire to make amends.



One night, Severus dreamed of Harry\'s hand on the back of his head, and Harry\'s voice, completely devoid of anger or scorn, telling him his hair was beautiful. Severus woke up with a lump in his throat, barely able to breathe. He got up, swore quietly, walked into the bathroom, and took a good look at himself in the mirror. He was barely forty-seven, but had he been fifty-five, he still would have looked too old for his age, he thought.



He did not take the Glamours off – he did not need to. He knew full well what lay beneath, and he doubted that Harry would want to live with the constant reminder that his own hands and mind had served as the tools of Tom Riddle\'s malice. And why the hell was Severus thinking about the young man as if he were a potential lover anyway? Yes, Harry had said he loved him. Probably much the same way the boy loved Kreacher, or his owl; certainly not...



The memories of his mistreatments and torments at Godric\'s Hollow were now reawakened, vivid and clear in his mind, but instead of anger, or rage, or even resentment, there was only the dreadful piercing loneliness of someone who had been spurned and refused one too many times, and who might not survive another rejection with his sanity intact.



He went back to St. Mungo\'s and buried himself in work, as had been his habit for decades.



Eventually, as the formula neared completion and the clinical trials were about to start, Severus sent a brief note to Harry, informing him of the progress. The following morning, Harry appeared at his workplace, and suggested that they visit the island to take a look at the area he had set up for the Cockatrice.



“The formula is not complete,” Severus reminded him. “The clinical trials will likely take another two weeks, and who knows how they will go.”



“I know,” Harry said with absolute confidence. “They\'ll go brilliantly. You should take a look at the prospective breeding grounds now, and tell me if what I have in mind will suffice. If it won\'t, I\'d rather have some time to make appropriate changes.”



“Very well,” Severus agreed. “We may as well go now. “



Several moments later, the Floo spat them out into Harry\'s cabin.



Harry led the way to the door, and they stepped outside together. It was incredibly dark outside, and the night sky was pitch black, overcast with heavy clouds, without a glimmer of starshine or moonlight.



“We\'ll need to Apparate there,” Harry said. “Unless you are up for a two days\' hike with some mountain climbing involved.”



Severus said something unfriendly and spiteful, and another moment later, they stood in a large meadow. It was pitch black, and Severus could barely see a few feet ahead of him.



“Hm,” Harry muttered. “On the second thought, maybe I should have brought you here during daytime.”



Severus snorted derisively. “For crying out loud, Mr. Potter – are you a wizard, or not?”



“Oh. Right,” Harry said with laughter in his voice, and flicked his wand to conjure a large glowing orb that rose and hovered above them, illuminating the meadow and the scenery around it.



Severus nodded his approval, and surveyed the area calculatingly. The meadow was long, and relatively narrow, surrounded by water on three sides. Separating the field from the mainland of the isle, a grove stood nearby, with enormous mountains towering behind it.



“A peninsula,” Severus said quietly, deep in thought.



“Well, not really large enough to be a called a peninsula,” Harry said apologetically, as if remorseful for the geographical configuration of his island. “More of a small headland, but I think it will do. The Cockatrice can\'t swim – so the natural barrier of water will be sufficient, and I don\'t think they\'ll want to fly all the way to Australia.” Harry gazed at the mountain ridge looming beyond the grove. “The mountains, I am sure, they could fly over, or fly around, but I just don\'t see them having the motivation to be doing so on a regular basis. And the Hyppogriffs don\'t really care about this part of the island, there\'s nothing of interest to them here.”



Severus nodded thoughtfully. “The breeding?” he prodded. “What is the grove like?”



“It should be sufficient, I imagine,” Harry said. “Enough foliage cover for the nests. No natural predators that will go after the eggs. So, what do you think?”



“I am beginning to think your insane plan might actually work, in time,” Severus admitted. “Very good. I should be getting back to St. Mungo\'s.”



Harry looked at him, his young face glowing in the darkness of the night, under the illumination of the orb hovering above them.



“Stay for lunch?” Harry offered.



“I am not hungry.”



“Drinks?”



“I don\'t drink,” Severus said evenly, not bothering to add that his liking for alcohol had been permanently killed by the events that had taken place at Godric\'s Hollow.



Harry nodded absently. “Is there anything at all I could say, or do, to convince you to stick around for a while?”



Severus rewarded him with a slightly raised eyebrow. “Why?”



“I want to talk to you,” Harry said simply.



“Then let\'s talk. You do not need to create unnatural scenarios to facilitate conversation,” Severus said.



Harry nodded, and walked across the meadow, Severus following closely behind. Harry found a large piece of driftwood, near the shoreline, and sat down on it, his elbows resting on his knees, his feet digging into the damp sand. Severus sat next to him.



“What it is?” he asked.



“I want to ask you to forgive me,” Harry said with quiet determination, lifting his eyes, and looking at him. “If you can, please forgive me for... for what I\'ve done to you.”



“I thought we discussed it. It wasn\'t your fault,” Severus said uncomfortably. “How are you even able to blame yourself for that?”



“It was my fault,” Harry said insistently. “All of it. We are responsible for what lives inside us. As soon as the war was over, I should have figured out something was wrong. For the first few weeks after the war, I was almost myself. I should have realized then, that the fragment had not been destroyed. I should have done something about it.” Harry smiled bitterly, and then continued, “More to the point though, I shouldn\'t have put my faith in Dumbledore\'s stupid plan in the first place. Shouldn\'t have relied on Voldemort to kill me; should have done it myself, some fool-proof, Muggle way, as soon as I knew. I should have taken that fragment to the grave with me. I know that now.” Harry\'s shoulders shook slightly, and he added tiredly, “If I could do it all over again, if I could go back in time, and die, really die, before causing this much pain, and damage, I would. But I can\'t. All I can do is ask you to forgive me.”



Severus stared at him incredulously. “You are blaming yourself for not taking your own life at seventeen? For what it\'s worth, I am very glad you didn\'t.”



“Even with all that followed?” Harry whispered.



“Mmhmm.”



Harry shook his head abjectly. Severus sighed and placed his hand on Harry\'s shoulder. Harry trembled under his touch, turned towards him, and Severus watched, startled, as Harry\'s lips pressed to his fingers.



“Please don\'t,” Severus snapped, withdrawing his hand. The rebuke came out much harsher than he had intended. Harry recoiled from him instantly as well.



“Sorry,” Harry whispered, sounding absolutely mortified.



“No need to be sorry,” Severus said, his voice still carrying a note of irritation. “It\'s fine. Just don\'t do it again.”



Harry nodded thoughtfully, and looked up at him. “Do you mind telling me what\'s all right and what\'s not? The first night...”



“.. Was pleasant enough, but I do not expect it to repeat,” Severus said evenly. “I have no desire to be played with again, at this point in my life.”



Harry stared at him in astonishment. “You think I am playing with you?”



“Well, not intentionally, I am certain; but the end result will be much the same. I understand that you feel some affection and attachment for me, which is not surprising, given the traumatic experience we had shared. However, you cannot expect me to be in my right mind and believe that you actually want me, in any meaningful way.”



“Why not?” Harry demanded.



“Because!” Severus nearly shouted in frustration. “What else am I supposed to think? I am an aging, repulsive, unstable, irritating man who had made your life miserable for years; and even if you overlook all of that, I am still the murderer of your parents. Finally, I am someone whose betrayal had caused you to become the bearer of the Dark Lord\'s soul- fragment in the first place!”



Harry was looking at him with an odd calm on his face.



“None of that is true,” Harry said softly, but firmly. “And I do want you. So much it makes me nearly dizzy to think about it.”



“Impossible,” Severus said flatly. “Why would you be drawn to me so strongly?”



“What\'s so impossible about it?” Harry asked gently. “I\'ve seen the best, the bravest, and the most noble parts of you; while you have seen me at my worst. You have given everything that was to give, and more, without ever expecting anything in return. It\'s impossible not to love you, or want you.”



Severus shook his head disdainfully. “Tell me, Harry, what is going to happen a few years from now, when your strange infatuation with me fades, and when you decide you had served enough penance by granting attention and affection to a repulsive, unattractive human being? Then what? Why would I want to put myself through something like this at this point in my life? Not to be rude, but what\'s in it for me?”



“Are you afraid I will reject you?” Harry asked incredulously



“Afraid? No, but I certainly anticipate it,” Severus said quietly. His hand clenched into a fist and he pressed it to his chest, where his heart was beating furiously, as if ready to break through the ribcage. “I know myself all too well. As much as I may love, I know that I will be angry with you. I will resent you. I will blame you. I will push you away, day after day, and eventually you will grow tired of it, and decide you\'ve had enough.”



Harry was staring at him in disbelief, and a sad smile ghosted his lips.. “Never. I won\'t lie to you – I am not a very pleasant person to be with, but as far as permanency goes, I\'m a sure thing, where you are concerned. I could never reject you.”



Severus shook his head tiredly. “And at my advanced age, I know better than put my faith in any promise that begins with the words, I could never.”



Harry bit his lip at his words, and glared at him defiantly. For a moment it looked like an argument was going to ensue, but then, Harry simply nodded his acquiescence.



“I know you have no reason to trust me now,” Harry said calmly. “You\'ve been toyed with and played with enough in your life. Just tell me one thing, do you actually - want to...”



For a moment, Severus stared at Harry speechlessly, his mind almost failing to absorb Harry\'s words. And then, suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, at least for himself, Severus yielded to an irresistible impulse, and leaned in to kiss him. Even in spite of Harry\'s words of want, and affection, he was still expecting Harry to recoil, or respond with revulsion – but nothing of the sort happened. Soft, slender lips parted instantly, welcoming his tongue, receiving it with warm caresses and suckling. For a long time, they did nothing but kiss, their tongues circling each other, disconnecting briefly, only to find each other a moment later. Harry\'s hands went around his neck, and rested on the back of his head, fingers stroking his hair.



When Severus pulled out of the kiss, Harry was looking at him with a serene smile on his face.



Severus smirked a little, in a desperate attempt to conceal his embarrassment.



“Does this answer your question, Mr. Potter?” he asked casually, doing his very best to feign amusement.



Harry nodded. “Maybe we can talk some more?” he suggested. “Sometime soon.”



“How about now?” Severus offered. His common sense appeared to have abandoned him entirely, but for once, he did not mind. Perhaps he was not in his right mind, and perhaps, the three and a half years of the lonely void, punctuated by fevered dreams of affection had finally taken their toll on him, claiming his sanity, but for the moment, he no longer cared. Severus was still certain, more than ever, that whatever followed, would not last, but for the moment, the kiss alone was well worth it.



Harry stared at him, with a ridiculous grin on his lips, and just a touch of concern in his expression. “Now? Yes! Just that ... your work?”



Severus smirked again. “The hell with it.”



...To Be Continued...