Nights of Gethsemane

[[This was one chapter that I had to break up into two because it is too long. Thank you, everybody for your reviews.
Drachenfliege - I bet Snape never thought anything of his feet until that moment!
Ginnyvere - I'm looking for someone to help me beta it to make it less boring to read.
elLouKino - I am editing the chapters as I post them here from where they are posted in livejournal. No plot changes, just correcting spelling errors and a few phrasing problems.]]

Harry woke alone in his bed. He sleepily pushed back the sheets and stumbled over to the toilet to relieve himself. His morning wood made it difficult to pee, so he had a quick, furtive wank, focusing his mind on Ginny as he finished himself off. As he washed his hands, memories of the previous evening leaked back into his consciousness and his face burned as he remembered what had happened. He'd forgot how the potion affected him, how it made him say and do things he wouldn't ordinarily do. He definitely planned to stay as far away as possible from it now, even if he'd never experience that euphoria again.

Snape better not try to give him shit over it or try to force him to take the potion again. He hadn't forgiven Snape and if the bastard thought he could treat him like rubbish and then give him that bloody potion and cuddle afterwards to make up for it, Snape was sorely mistaken. It would take a lot more than hugs, especially drug-induced ones, to set things right between them again. Did the small bit of potion he fed Snape have any effect on the Potions Master? Snape had called him a 'nice specimen,' whatever the hell that meant. Harry supposed it was the greasy git's way of saying he found Harry attractive. It pleased him, to know Snape found him fuckable. But Harry still didn't understand why Snape had acted like a git and pretended he hated having sex with him.

His morning routine finished, Harry picked up his book and read the next chapter to try to keep his mind off his embarrassing behaviour. He was nearly finished when he heard Snape’s footsteps in the library. Harry tucked the book under his mattress and sat back on his bed just as Snape appeared in the doorway.

“I have arranged for Draco to arrive this Saturday for training,” Snape informed him matter-of-factly. He stepped through the bars and spelled breakfast on the table.

“When’s that?” Harry asked, relieved that Snape had decided to pretend the previous night had never happened.

Snape took his chair and spelled tea for himself. "In four days."

“We must not be far from Hogwarts if Draco can pop by for a visit,” Harry mused as he started on his kippers.

Snape stared at him with a face full of contempt. “Have you not heard of Floos?”

“You said this house wasn’t connected to a Floo network,” Harry reminded him.

“This house isn’t."

“Which means it is within Apparition distance of a house that is,” Harry pointed out. Why did Snape have to turn everything into a fight?

Snape's eyebrows drew in together suspiciously. “Do you even know what the range of Apparition is?”

“No."

“I thought not,” said Snape smugly, sipping from his mug.

Harry waited for Snape to give him a lecture on Apparition and its limitations, and when Snape didn't, he prompted, “So what is it?”

“I don’t want to give you ideas.”

Anger stirred up in Harry at Snape’s refusal to share information with him. “How can I Apparate with these?” He lifted up his cuffs. “Besides, you said the problem with Hogwarts was the lack of scientific curiosity. I’m curious and I want to know how Apparition works.”

Snape gazed at him silently for a moment before he placed his mug back on the table. “As with many aspects of magic, no one knows exactly how Apparition works. The most promising hypothesis that I’ve heard suggests that in Apparating, we pass through wormholes, which-”

“Wormholes?”

Snape nodded. “Topological features of space-time. In theory-”

“Space-time? What does that even mean?”

“It is rather difficult to explain space-time to an individual who has never studied physics. Most of us would regard time as a universal constant. However, the theory of relativity suggests that time is related to the other three conventional dimensions and thus can be slowed down or sped up based upon them. Su-”

“Like with Time Turners?” asked Harry.

“No. The Muggles don’t have Time Turners and they discovered this. Space-”

“How?”

“Will you stop interrupting?” Snape snapped irritably.

“Fine,” Harry shot back. He turned his attention back to his breakfast so that he wouldn’t be driven to punch Snape.

After a few minutes, Snape Summoned an apple. When he saw Harry glance up at it, he said, “Think of space-time as the skin of this apple. This is the fabric of the universe and the only medium in which you can exist. You currently are here.” He placed his finger on the side of the apple to Harry's left. “You wish to go here.” He tapped his finger on the direct opposite side of the apple. “In order to get there, you would have to travel a considerable distance.” He traced his finger from left side of the apple, over the top and to the other side. “Imagine you had the ability to cross through the apple.” He turned the apple ninety degrees and Harry saw a tunnel now passing through it. “Or… imagine you had the ability to warp the very fabric of time and space itself.” The apple began to elongate and the tunnel shortened until it was no more and the skin on either side of the apple pressed flat together. “This is a wormhole. It will allow you to get to the other side of the apple in far less time than it would have taken for you to pass along its skin.”

“So which one do we do?” Harry asked, intrigued by the demonstration.

“I believe that portkeys and Floos allow us to travel via the first method and that Apparating involves the latter.” Snape sent the apple away. “If this hypothesis is true, then in theory, a wizard of sufficient strength and knowledge would be able to Apparate anywhere.”

“Anywhere?” Harry asked, finding that difficult to believe. “So I could Apparate to Australia right now if I had my magic?”

“In theory,” Snape stressed. He glared at Harry disapprovingly. “And you shouldn’t try to test it out unless you are absolutely sure of what you are doing because of the dangers involved. Even the Dark Lord himself relies on flight to travel long distances due to the risks of Apparition. Furthermore, if you think this house doesn’t have Anti-Apparition and Anti-Disapparition wards tightly guarding it, you are-”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Of course I know that. I’d go outside before I tried to Apparate anywhere.”

“It’s not a matter of simply being outside-”

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Harry interjected, annoyed at being lectured as if he didn’t know anything at all. “I’d have to make sure I’m outside the wards. I did successfully evade Voldemort for almost a year.”

“And yet here you are.” Snape sipped his mug again.

Harry bristled. “You won’t give me my memory back so how do I know it was even my fault?”

“You spoke the Dark Lord’s name,” Snape informed him.

Another door opened in Harry’s mind and he remembered hearing the broadcast, arguing with Hermione, saying Voldemort's name, Greyback and the Snatchers, the Malfoy mansion, Dean, Griphook, Luna, Mr. Ollivander….

His eyes snapped open with no memory of having closed them and he was lying on the floor on his back, staring up at Snape who was kneeling over him with his wand pointed at Harry's head. Snape's eyebrows were drawn in towards each other in an expression of intense concentration.

“What happened?” Harry croaked, unnerved by the sight of Snape with his wand pointed at him and no memory to explain why.

Snape tucked his wand away and held out his hand to Harry. Harry accepted it and Snape helped him back to his chair.

“I believe you started to remember before something blocked you,” Snape said as he stepped away from Harry once the younger wizard was back in his seat. “One minute you were in your seat, staring at the table and the next you were on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I cast Rennervate and you left your stupor. What do you remember?”

“I did say the name.” Harry frowned as he tried to pick through his muddled brain. “And they caught us…. Hermione was caught….”

“She was,” Snape confirmed. “Everyone escaped but you. You were about to Apparate away with your friends when Lucius grabbed a hold of you and you released your friends rather than bring him with you.”

Harry tried to remember, but it was as if the door had slammed shut again. He was far more cognisant of the memory of his remembering than of the actual memory itself. “How did you know I said his name?”

“The details were shared amongst us,” Snape answered. “Finish your breakfast and we will train.”

“I think something is wrong with me.” Harry rubbed his forehead. He didn’t think it was healthy or normal to have memories that appeared and disappeared suddenly.

“You are fine,” Snape assured him. “Sometimes the mind will seal off a memory if it is particularly stressful.”

Harry asked doubtfully, “Even more stressful than when I thought I saw one of my best friends die before my eyes?”

“Physical torture can sometimes be more difficult for the mind than psychological torture,” Snape explained. “And your mind did attempt to block that memory for you. Do you remember how it hurt you when I gave you back your memory?”

Harry nodded.

“That isn’t typical. I had to break through a barrier your mind had formed. I imagine that if I had left it alone, it would have become more solidified and ended up as thick as the one that currently surrounds the memory of your capture.”

Harry frowned as he finished off his pumpkin juice. It almost seemed like the memory had started to return on its own. He hadn’t quite remembered the Hallows, but there had been no reason for his mind to suppress the memory. He put down his empty cup and cleared his plate, then stepped away from the table to brush his teeth. He wondered if the cuffs had messed with his mind. Maybe the lack of magic caused effects to happen to him that even Snape couldn’t predict. After all, Voldemort had cut off his access to magic and the two of them shared a unique connection that no one had ever properly explained to him. What if the same thing that stopped the pain in his scar also messed with his brain and suppressed his memories?

The only other explanation Harry could come up with was that Snape had taken the memories, but that didn’t make sense to him. Why would Snape take the memory of the Hallows and his capture? Snape seemed annoyed that Harry hadn’t mentioned the Hallows earlier and if he had suppressed those memories, then why not remove them again when he remembered? There was only one way to find out for sure. Harry spat out his mouthwash and then turned to Snape.

Watching Snape closely to gauge his reaction, Harry announced, “I want the memory of my capture back. I think there’s something important there that I need to know.”

Snape nodded slightly, his face showing no change in expression. “I feel it would be better for you to leave it alone since your mind has developed such a strong barrier to protect it. However, if you believe it is important to remember that event, then I will make the memory available to you again. It may take some time, so we should set aside a day for the task."

Harry nodded. “I want to do it right now.” He felt sure there was something hidden in those memories he needed to uncover.

Snape paused, then said, "Very well, lie down on your bed.'' He left the cell without waiting to see if his instructions were followed.

Harry climbed onto his mattress and stretched out. He had expected more of a fight from Snape. It made him more inclined to believe Snape when he claimed he had nothing to do with the removal of that particular memory. But if Snape hadn't taken that one, were there other memories he had messed with? Did the feeling of déjà vu only happen, because Snape resealed the barrier when he broke through the first time? Harry's knowledge of what Snape planned to do to him when he pointed that wand straight at Harry's head had been pretty strong for it to have developed after only one event.

Snape returned shortly carrying a small black bag. Harry watched as Snape set it on the table and carefully removed five vials.

“First a healing potion designed specifically for the mind.” Snape held up a crooked, green bottle. He opened it and stepped over to the bed. Harry sat up and opened his mouth. Snape poured in a small amount. It was thick and tasted strangely like mozzarella cheese. Snape floated the vial back over to the table and summoned the next one to him; a short black one. “Secondly, a potion designed to lower your mental guards.”

“To break through the wall in my mind?” Harry asked him.

“To make it as weak as possible.” Snape nodded and fed Harry the second potion, which had a familiar sweet taste he couldn’t quite place.

“Third, a potion to clear your mind.” This one, in a bright red bottle, tasted disgusting and Harry gagged.

Snape uncorked the fourth vial and pressed it into Harry’s hand. “Fourth, a painkiller that will not affect your mind. Drink it all.”

It was thick and slimy and Harry could barely get it down, nearly dropping the white vial when he almost retched. He shoved his hand over his mouth and refused to allow himself to puke. He had to swallow several foul-tasting mouthfuls back down before he finally stopped gagging. Snape wordlessly conjured a glass of pumpkin juice and pressed it into Harry's hand. Harry quaffed it down quickly, but it barely covered the taste.

“Finally, a potion to put you in a dream-like state. I will attempt to return the memory to you while you are unconscious,” Snape explained. “If I am successful, you will remember it again when you wake.”

Harry opened his mouth and Snape dripped a few sweet drops on his tongue. A wave of sleepiness washed over him and he lay back against the bed, closing his eyes, and letting himself drift off.

“Now, count back from ten.” Snape's low voice seemed to drift from across the room.

“Ten … nine … eight … seven … six … five … four … three ….”

“Do the best you can,” Snape ordered, his voice tense. Harry couldn’t move any part of his body. “I need him restored to full health.”

“That’s impossible,” someone Harry didn’t know objected. He felt his clothes being peeled away, but he couldn’t summon the energy required for a fight.

“Your life depends on it,” Snape answered coldly.

He was struggling while being held down against a carpeted floor. His hands were pinned behind his back and his face was being ground into the dark red carpet.

“They’ve escaped!” shrieked Bellatrix.

“It doesn’t matter.” Lucius’s voice was cold and close and Harry fought against his grasp, kicking at the Death Eater as ropes wrapped around him. “We have Potter.”

He was in excruciating pain. Torture beyond anything he had ever felt before. He was screaming and screaming, but he couldn’t hear a sound and his body was twisting and turning in ways that frightened him.

He was in a prison cell with Ron, Luna, Dean, Griphook, and Ollivander. Hermione was screaming in the distance from Bellatrix’s torture. He had to do something!

He was thrown down against the carpet. Someone grabbed his hair and yanked his head back, forcing him to gaze at Voldemort who stood before him with a triumphant gaze. Harry panted, staring at Voldemort in horror. It was all over, this was the end of everything.

“You’ve done well.” Voldemort smiled, his eyes remaining as cruel and reptilian as ever, and Harry knew he’d never make it out alive.

He was naked on his back in his bed and he couldn’t move his body or see anything but blackness. He was crying; his cheeks wet with tears.

Cool fingertips brushed against his cheek and Snape promised, “I won’t hurt you anymore tonight,” as he shifted on the bed. Harry wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t, not now.

He was lying on his stomach and drowning in his blood. He was dying, but he wasn’t scared at all. He was in so much pain, he welcomed the release of death.

The blood left his lungs and he gasped for breath, hating his body for holding on; for fighting after he had given up.

“What shall we do to him now?” someone asked.

“I know just the spell,” Lucius’ voice slithered over him like a snake and a million knives pierced him everywhere at once.

“Kill me!” he tried to beg, but nothing but blood came out of his mouth.

He was lying on a bed of crimson sheets, staring at a wall. He tried to move, but no part of his body obeyed his commands. He was breathing and his heart was beating, but he couldn’t move a single muscle, not even to close his eyes. Panic flowed through him and he desperately tried to force various parts of his body to move; to gain some reassurance that he wasn't trapped inside a completely paralysed body. A hand grabbed his arm and rolled him over and he found himself on his back, staring up at Snape who had a look of concentration on his face as though he were observing a brewing potion. Snape placed his hand on Harry’s chin and forced his mouth open. Harry felt a thick potion being poured into his mouth and Snape closed his mouth, massaging the potion down his throat. Harry wanted to taste it, to figure out what he had been given, but even his taste buds refused to work.

No, no more potions, no more memories. He wanted to forget again. It wasn’t right. He wanted to move. He needed to move. His body began to jerk and spasm as if he were being struck with round after round of Cruciatus. Harry felt Snape's larger body cover his own and pin him down against the bed into the sheets. He wanted to scream, but when his mouth finally jerked open, he could no longer breathe. The potions and his breakfast filled his airway and spewed from his mouth.

He was roughly tossed to his side and he dimly heard Snape cast, "Anapneo!" and Harry felt himself breathe again.

Harry gasped for breath as his eyes rolled back in his head and his whole body convulsed. He tried to find something to grab, to help hold himself steady, but he couldn't see a thing and still had no control over his wildly thrashing limbs.

“Rennervate!" Snape yelled, over and over again. "Rennervate!”

Harry's neck snapped back, his spine bending backwards as if he were breaking in half and all the screams he couldn't voice earlier ripped from his throat. The noise was so inhuman the only reason he knew he was making the sounds was that he could feel his vocal cords moving. Control of his body returned to him and he collapsed against the bed, all strength gone from him.

“Harry!" Snape pushed him onto his side and grabbed his chin, tilting his head up. "Harry, wake up!"

He was too exhausted to even do such a simple task.

"Harry!" Snape's voice became more urgent. "Open your eyes, Harry! Look at me!"

Harry summoned all his strength and forced open his heavy lids. Snape’s face was right before his own, completely pale as if all the blood had been sucked from his body. His wild eyes had a look Harry had never seen before and it took him a moment to realise what it was: fear.

“Are you in pain?” Snape's voice was unsteady and far from the cool calmness to which Harry was used and his eyes flickered across Harry's face as his hands roamed over Harry's body, testing his pulse and blood pressure; casting soft spells that Harry didn't recognise.

“Not anymore,” Harry managed to gasp out, his breathing still short and difficult. A stray spasm rocketed through his body and he grabbed Snape's robes for support.

Snape's strong arms wrapped around Harry, propping him up into a sitting position. Harry leaned against his chest so that his head rested against Snape's sternum. Snape held him steady with his right arm while he rubbed Harry's back with the other.

"Breathe, slow and deep," he instructed in a calmer tone. Harry drew great gulps of air, trying to do as Snape had asked, but each breath left him more light headed and dizzy. Snape's soothing hand slid around to rest on Harry's abdomen. "With your diaphragm, not your lungs."

Harry wasn't sure what he meant, but he tried to use his stomach in his breathing and suddenly he could breath properly again. When his breath slowed closer to normal and his heart no longer felt as though it would jump from his chest, Harry allowed himself to relax, leaning against Snape as he rested.

The hand that was resting against his stomach left, plucking a glass of water from midair. Snape pressed the glass against Harry’s lips and Harry drank the water gratefully, uncaring that most of it slopped down his front. When Harry had finished the glass, Snape sent it away, his free hand brushing back Harry's fringe.

"I wa- I was ..." Harry tried to tell him, but he couldn't speak for some reason and little shocks ran through his body, making him shiver uncontrollably.

“Don’t speak until you are ready,” Snape insisted. He cleaned the vomit with flicks of his wand and laid Harry back on the bed. “I must go send a note to the Dark Lord explaining why you were in pain or else he will send someone to check on me. Rest and we will speak when I return.” He slipped off the bed and hurried off in a cloud of black.

Harry curled up in a ball. The memories were still there, lingering beneath the surface raw and strong, and so very painful. He thought of asking Snape to take them away again, but he felt he had to bear it. A tear ran over his nose and he realised he was crying, but his tears were the least of his worries. Snape had been telling the truth when he said that Harry had been captured while everyone else escaped. Hermione hadn't been imprisoned along with him. But what had happened in those early days of his capture? If those memories were just a taste of what had happened to him, he didn’t want anymore. He understood why his mind had sealed them off. It had been a mistake to request them back, he could see that now.

Snape returned in a flurry of energy. He had a new bag of potions which he dropped on the table and immediately opened.

“No more potions,” insisted Harry.

Snape frowned at him. “I feel that a restorative potion-”

“No.” Harry shook his head. “No more.”

Snape left the bag on the table and stepped over to the bed. He placed his hand on Harry’s forehead and his eyebrows knit together as he checked Harry's temperature.

“You’re freezing. Come here.”

Harry shakily rolled to the edge of the bed and Snape helped him to his feet, wrapping his arms around Harry's chest. Harry’s legs were quivering far too much for him to stand, so Snape picked him up and carried him into the library, cradling Harry tightly against his chest. Snape laid him gently on the couch, fetched a pillow for beneath his head, and Summoned a blanket, smoothing it over Harry as if he were tucking him into bed. His eyes never left Harry's face throughout the whole process and once he finished, he started a fire in the fireplace with a flick of his wand and then took a few steps backwards, dropping into a chair that flew forward to catch him.

“How do you feel?” Snape asked after a minute, his voice tight.

“Terrible.” Harry pulled the blanket tightly around himself. He hadn’t even been aware he was cold, but with the fire and the thick blanket, the tremors subsided to a more manageable level. “Better than before, but I still can’t stop myself from shaking. It was worse. Far worse than last time.”

“I had not anticipated the … strength of your reaction,” Snape admitted. “I will not be trying that again.” After a pause, he softly asked, “What did you remember?”

Harry stared at the fire. “I remembered.… It was all mixed up. I'm not sure when each memory happened." He tried to put each memory in a logical order. "I think.... I heard Bellatrix torturing Hermione. We were locked in a cell.… Everyone else escaped, but…. Malfoy, he caught me. In his home, I think. Voldemort … was there…. They….” He closed his eyes as if he could wish the memory away. “Tortured me. I thought I was going to die. I- I wanted to die. You were there. You told someone to heal me and he said it was impossible. You said he had to, that his life depended on it. And then I was…. I couldn’t move. I was paralysed on my bed. I was- I was hurt. And you were touching me. You said, ‘I won’t hurt you anymore tonight’ and I didn’t believe you.” Harry opened his eyes and looked over at Snape. “How many of my memories are gone?”

Snape’s face was pale in the flickering firelight which cast long shadows over his face, concealing most of his expression to Harry. “Nearly five days’ worth,” he answered tightly.

“Five days….” Harry lay back against the couch and closed his eyes again. “Why was it like that?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Snape, his voice betraying his hatred of those words. “I theorise that these ‘mental walls’ you’ve described to me are the cause of it. I imagine that they are some sort of defence mechanism that you developed to protect yourself during torture. I started to break through them, but your reaction was so … adverse, I did not dare press further. If you’d like, I can reseal the memories you've recovered.”

“No.” Harry shook his head. “I need them. If only to remind myself why I shouldn’t try that again.”

Snape did not say anything in response and they both sat quietly for several minutes. Harry rested as the tremors slowly left his body, and his heart and breathing returned to normal. He heard Snape stand and he opened his eyes to see Snape approach him and kneel beside the edge of the couch. The colour had returned to his sallow face and his eyes had lost their fear. He placed his cold hand on Harry’s forehead and then slid it down to his neck to touch his pulse.

“How do you feel?” Snape asked softly, his fingers still on Harry’s pulse.

“Hungry,” Harry answered. His stomach had finally settled down and he thought he could keep his meal down this time.

The corner of Snape’s mouth quirked up in a smile. He stood and pulled out his wand, flicking it at Harry and a chain appeared between Harry’s right cuff and the floor.

“I’ll be back shortly.” He strode off, walking up the stairs with even but hurried steps.

Harry closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. The couch and blanket smelled strongly of Snape and Harry wondered if he spent a lot of his free time in here, reading. Feeling warmed and well protected, Harry relaxed against the couch. He inhaled the smells of Snape, the fire and the slight electric scent of magic that still lingered in the air.

[[Thanks for reading! Please review!]]