All I Ever Wanted

DISCLAIMER: Warning! I make no claim to any property of J.K. Rowling's, and am in no way profiting by this. I do offer her my sincerest thanks for allowing us this garden of the mind in which we play. Further Warning! This story...and likely any I ever write...are dominated by gay themes and characters. That's how it is, if this in any way makes you uncomfortable...do not read further.


Author's Note: This chapter was brought to you by: Van Morrison's album "T.B. Sheets"

"All I Ever Wanted".....chap. 43 'Of Lilies And Vows'


The funeral of Lucius Malfoy, formerly Lord Malfoy, passed with somber dignity and little fanfare. Draco wandered through the day in a haze, partly induced by the savagery of the previous night's love making. Harry worried for his now orphaned lover, but despite watching closely, he saw no sign of imminent breakdown by Draco.

When the few invited guests had left, and Lucius was safely at rest in the family mausoleum, Draco and Harry sat quietly in one of the drawing rooms, just curled together in silence, for a few minutes of peace. Draco hadn't spoken more than a few terse farewells to their guests in the last hour, but sighed heavily and nestled into Harry's arms before he finally spoke again.

"That's it. It's all ours, Harry. I didn't want it to happen like this, but it's over. The only thing I have left...that would hurt to lose...is you." Draco turned his head just enough to kiss Harry's neck, then burrowed a little closer.

Harry was silent for a moment before answering. "There are an awful lot of people who love you, you know? Not quite like I do, but that doesn't mean they're not family of a sort. Snape, Blaise, Pansy, Greg and Vincent, the Weasleys and Hermione. The Dursleys were never my family, even though I grew up with them. My only real family are the people I care about. Don't ever think that it's just you and me, love."

Draco let another sigh escape. "You're right. Someday, after this war is over, I'd like to hold parties in the garden. Have our friends all come over and just see this place bustling again. Mum would've loved that." Try as he might, Draco couldn't shake the fear that he'd never feel the same about the Manor again, now that his parents weren't here and waiting to see him.

Harry had an odd idea, and after a few minutes of careful thought, he shared it. "I know this might sound strange, and I don't know if the timing is off for you, but what would you say to visiting the place where my parents were buried. I go there sometimes. I always went alone before, but now I want you with me. I'll never be able to introduce you to them properly, but I go there and tell them about my life, and now you're the most important thing in my life. I want to share that with them the only way I can. Would you be okay with that?"

Draco gave it a little consideration. Strangely enough, the notion didn't offend him. It was important to Harry, and that made it important to him. "Yes, actually, I'd kind of like to see it. You told me about Godric's Hollow before, but I didn't know you went there...for that. I'll take some flowers from the garden, if you'd like?"

"We've got all of today off from class. You don't mind Side-Along Apparition, do you? I know the way and we could be there and back to Hogwarts in plenty of time. The flowers would be a great idea. I never took any before, but I think my mum would have liked them." Harry kissed the top of Draco's head. "I love you more than I know how to say, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. Some things…words just don't cover. The way I feel about you is one of them. Come on, let's get out of here and hit the gardens. We'll get some flowers and take off. I don't want to be here right now, and this 'Godric's Hollow' would be a nice change of pace. On the way out, we need to pause a minute. Before we leave, I'm keying the wards for the Manor to recognize you. It'll only take a little concentration, then we can Apparate from inside the Manor anytime we want."

The boys took their coats and dress robes, then drifted through the gardens, stopping only to gather flowers before they reached the gates. Draco held Harry's hand, raised his wand, and uttered a few brief and unfamiliar incantations. When he was finished, he took a deep breath. "Welcome to Malfoy Manor, Harry. It's half yours, now. You're the only person not legally a Malfoy to ever hold control of them. There's never been another."

Harry took that knowledge in for a few seconds, then smirked. "I'm proud, but that faint tremor I feel beneath my feet must be from several hundred Malfoys spinning like tops in their collective graves."

Draco punched him on the arm, then hugged Harry so hard it almost hurt. "Prat. You're impossible, Harry. I'd hex you stupid...if you weren't there already! Let's go."

Harry raised his wand and thought of his destination. With an audible pop, they Apparated their way to Godric's Hollow. As soon as they had their bearings, they both noticed the dark clad figure kneeling before James and Lily Potter's graves. A handful of lilies had been placed between the two graves, and when the stranger turned to see who had arrived, Draco and Harry realized that they were staring eye to eye with Severus Snape.

The professor looked quite irritated about being interrupted at such a private moment, but propriety wouldn't allow him to offer harsh words under these circumstances. Harry, on the other hand, was dumbstruck for several seconds.

Snape walked the distance between them and spoke softly. "I suppose it was inevitable. Meeting here, that is. Did you think you were the only one who mourned here, Harry?"

"Well, I guess...but...why?" Harry's breath was a little short. The notion of Severus Snape mourning at his parent's gravesite was a little more than he could take in easily.

Severus seated himself on an old stone bench and stared up at the clouds. "Sit down. You as well, Draco. This may take a bit of time to tell, and I have no desire to discuss it twice. I don't even wish to speak this once, but I admit, it's probably long overdue."

Harry and Draco seated themselves, still rattled by the professor's comparatively pleasant tone of voice. Draco's hand was still in Harry's while they waited for Snape to start. The professor would not look directly at them, but began talking even as he still stared at the sky.

"Parts of this you may already know, Harry. Our delvings into Legilimency and Occlumency granted you the opportunity to see things I have shared with no one. You may appreciate that knowledge a little more when I am finished.

Harry, there is no easy way to say this, but your mother was my first and only love. There was no girl in Hogwarts even remotely like her, and I adored her from a distance for seven years. I think...I think she knew how I felt, but I was an awkward boy. I lacked the social graces or popularity that James Potter seemed to possess in abundance.

Your father, despite having so many things that could have better occupied his time, seemed to find tormenting me very amusing, and I loathed him more than I can possibly describe. The final insult was his courting of Lily. When they were wedded, well, suffice it to say that I became slightly unhinged.

I took the Dark Mark and allied myself with the man who embodied the very opposite of James Potter. He'd made my school years a living hell, and then he married the girl that I worshipped. I cannot apologize for what happened later; it is beyond apology, and my life since has been a labor of compensation for that horrible mistake.

Harry, I was the one who pressed The Dark Lord to kill your father. He was aware of my affection for Lily, and he might have spared her if she'd been willing to part with you. It was after he and the others had left that I realized what I'd done. I knew he'd never stop with just one killing, and that the irony of killing Lily as well would not escape him. I turned to Dumbledore for help. That was why you were found by the right people just after the Dark Lord was struck down. I became Dumbledore's agent in the Death Eater's ranks that very day, and have been ever since.

The last seventeen years have been an act of contrition for a crime of passion I committed a long time ago. I come here, not to make amends, for nothing I could do could make them, but to renew a vow. I promised to see her child destroy the Dark Lord, whatever the cost to myself. The lilies are three, one for each life that was destroyed that day. Your father's, Lily's, and mine."

Harry remained silent for a long time. Somewhere inside him a small voice raged that this man had been party to his parent's murder. The rest of Harry's mind reeled at Severus Snape's confession. The taciturn and sour professor who had always seemed to hate Harry, yet constantly strove to protect him, suddenly made so much more sense. He'd spent Harry's entire lifetime enduring torture and risking death, all to fulfill a vow he'd made to balance the harm he'd done. Harry finally mustered the nerve to speak.

"I saw...how my father was. I never knew him, and maybe some of that is your fault, but I was never ashamed of him until I saw him in your Pensieve memories. I never knew my mother, except for a photo and a few scraps of dreams from The Mirror Of Erised. Professor...it doesn't have to be now, but someday soon, would you tell me about her? I...I'd just like to know a little more about her, and if you'd help, I'd be grateful." Draco's hand tightened on Harry's. The subject of absent mothers was hard for both of them.

Severus Snape leaned back on the bench and sighed. "We shall see. There are limits to what I can speak of and still maintain my dignity. Perhaps, when you have graduated, I shall come by the Manor and we can discuss this at length. I'll tell you this before I take my leave. You have her eyes. If I have seemed harsh to you at times, it is because I cannot look at you without seeing her eyes...set in James Potter's face.

When you first came to Hogwarts, I felt a hate for you I could scarcely contain. You were, and are, the living embodiment of what I lost, what I hated and what I caused to happen. I'm very tired, Harry. I hope you'll forgive me if I have nothing more to say. I wish to go home, and so I shall see you both tomorrow, in class. Farewell." Severus Snape stood and offered the briefest of bows. Then walked away until the soft crack of Apparition marked his departure.

The boys sat in amazed silence. Even Draco had never seen Snape share so much of his past in so comfortable a fashion. Perhaps it was the funeral of another of his old classmates. Perhaps it was the fact that Harry was now the lover of his godchild. Whatever it was, the professor had left them both stunned and slightly awed. They walked to the twin headstones that marked James and Lily's final resting place and stood together a moment. After a few seconds of restless waiting, Harry stepped forward and spoke.

"Mum, Dad. I know it's been a long while since I came by, but I've been really busy. It's been really hard sometimes, but I'm doing alright. I just wanted you to know I'm not alone. He's perfect, and I love him. I just wish you could have met him, but I wanted him here with me today, just to get to know you the way I do.

Things are happening so fast that it's hard to keep track of them. I think the war is almost ready to break out. I promised I'd make the one who killed you pay, and I think I'll get the chance fairly soon. It might be a long time before I can come back and see you again, but I'll try to break away when I can. I love you...and don't worry about me, I've got someone really good watching my back. I'll see you again soon, I promise."

Harry stepped back and took Draco's hand again. Draco was smiling, but slightly embarrassed and misty-eyed. They started to walk back to the bench when Draco broke away for a moment and asked Harry to wait. Draco ran back to the twin plots and left his flowers behind, but lingered a second, his mouth moving clearly enough that Harry could tell he was speaking.

Draco walked back and took Harry's hand again, then they strolled through Godric's Hollow quietly for a few minutes.

Harry didn't want to be rude and ask outright, but he was desperately curious as to what Draco might have said. The question was written on his face, and Draco answered it just as they reached the point they had Apparated from.

"I told them...I told them I'd make sure you were alright, and that if I failed, well, they'd be meeting us both sometime soon, because you're not going anywhere without me." Then he pulled Harry into a kiss that peeled away a lot of their dark mood.

Eventually, they made their way to Hogwarts and back to their suite. Back to studies and war and plans for change. At least they knew that in the ocean of duties and worries in front of them, they had more than just each other to cling to. Carved from the flotsam and jetsam of life's cruel tides, they had a family.