What It Means

Disclaimer: Do Harry and Draco get it on in the books








Disclaimer: Do Harry and Draco get it on in the books? No?
Thecertcertainly do not own them.

 

 

 

A/N: Thank you guys *so* much for the reviews…they keep me
constantly inspired. Thank you all for sticking with me through this…I’m trying
to take good care of you. Thanks again and enjoy the chapter…thanks, as always,
goes to the big J.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 4……………...No questions asked.

***********************************************************

 

Harry Potter slept in on Saturdays…well…most Saturdays. This
particular Saturday irritated the boy with the thousand watt smile and emerald
eyes. He had *intended* to sleep in…but that would imply that one had been to
sleep in the first place and Harry had spent the entire night either tossing
and turning or just staring up at the ceiling.

 

‘God…I was *fine* for
two months…’

 

Draco had only been gone on his business trip for two days
and Harry thought he would enjoy the simplicit not not having to deal with his
complicated relationship with the boy. But no…his absence could be felt deeply
by one Harry James Potter who had tried to occupy his mind with a million
different things before just resigning himself to lying in bed all day. His new
pastime offered him plenty of time to think, unfortunately. And think Harry
did…about everything.

 

‘If it’s this hard
now…imagine if things were different…if I actually had something to miss...’

 

Harry sighed. ‘At
least I’ll be glad when he’s home…but…what then? Will anything be different?
Can I actually fool myself into thinking that things will be any different just
having him around? Has anything changed?...’

 

‘No’ Harry thought ‘This is further proof that it won’t work…I
won’t take something that was once good and let it turn to something bitter and
jaded. But…if I keep pushing him away while keeping him at arms length, he’s
going to bite back…and it’s going to hurt.’

 

The thought worried Harry…Draco’s bites were brutal and
tended to wound more than mere flesh. Although almost morbid, Draco’s ferocity
was one of the things that made Harry proud of him, and he was happy that the
strength and confidence in his one time companion had finally found a place to
flourish, although at the same time he longed for the naivety he possessed not
so long ago. It was then that he honestly believed that as long as they were
together, nothing else mattered. Or more so…nothing mattered so much as to
warrant worry. But now…with reality staring him in the face and his heart in
the balance…everything mattered…and it was all too much.

 

It had been a week since Draco had kissed him, and Harry
could still feel the tingle in his lips. It had been too long since he’d been
touched, held or wanted on any real or deep level and pulling out of the kiss
was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do…*everything* about Draco
seemed to be the hardest thing he’d had to do. Shouldn’t that tell him
something? And if so…then why did he still have this gnawing feeling in the pit
of his stomach?

 

Groaning and finally getting out of bed, Harry headed for
the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. With the coffee made, he gave Hedwig a
treat and decided that maybe he should put some time in with Ron and Hermione
since Draco was gone. It seemed the ideal time, since this meant there wouldn’t
be a rumble in his living room. Yes…this would be the perfect idea. Feeling
somewhat better, Harry prepared to owl his best friends and invite them to
dinner.

 

************************************************

 

Meanwhile in New York City,
Draco Malfoy sighed tiredly from his hotel room. The trip had not been
uneventful, but there was something…missing. It wasn’t as if he had loads of
work to keep him tied us ths things were still in their beginning state. More
than anything…Draco was…lonely. It had been a week since he’d been formally
rejected by Harry and the dull ache of it was starting to get to him. The city
was as magnificent as he had always heard it to be…but alone…what was there to
do? Irate with his stagnancy, Draco finally leapt up and ventured down the hall
to the room Michael was staying in. It might not be as fulfilling as touring
around with a date…but at least there would be *some* company. When he reached
the appropriate door, Draco raised his hand to knock but was surprised when it
opened before he got the chance.

 

“Michael…I was just coming to see you. Are you busy?”

 

The other wizard ran a hand through his shoulder length dark
hair and smiled. “No, actually…I was going to ask you the same thing. A bit
boring at the moment isn’t it?”

 

“Quite. Do you want to see some of the city with me…I’d rather
not go alone.”

 

“Sure, come in for a moment and I’ll grab my jacket.”

 

Draco stepped into the room and waited for his friend to
finish getting ready.

 

***********************************************

 

Harry and Ron sat at the table speaking very rarely while
Hermione finished cooking the two of them dinner. She wasn’t the best cook, but
insisted that Harry wasn’t eating right and demanded that he let her make him a
more nutritious meal. After a while, Harry could no longer take the silence
from his befreckled best friend.

 

“Look, Ron…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Draco was staying
here.”

 

Ron looked over at him and shook his head. “Is that really
why you think I’m mad?”

 

A little confused, Harry inquired further. “Well…it would
upset me if I were you. You were already under the impression that I didn’t
tell you anything. What else would it be?”

 

Looking his friend in the eye for the first time that night,
Ron gave Harry a sad smile. “Harry, who you want to shack up with isn’t
anyone’s business but yours.”

 

Harry frowned at the phrase ‘shacking up’ but let it pass,
as he was already on fragile ground with Ron. “Well, Ron…then I don’t
understand. I thought you were upset that Draco was living here.”

 

Ron’s eyes grew in size and his mouth opened in astonishment.
“*Living here?* He’s living heow? ow? Jesus Harry what is wrong with you?
Sometimes I think you’ve fallen off your broom one too many times…”

 

Harry furrowed his brow and frowned. “I’m confused…you say
you don’t care who I choose to ‘shack up with’, as you so elegantly put it, but
you’re obviously upset about it…”

 

Moving to a seat closer to Harry, Ron looked deep into his
eyes, trying to get through. “Harry…you know that I was trying really hard to
be understanding before, even when I knew it was Malfoy. I’ll pretty much
support you in whatever you do, as long as you’re happy…but I saw what he said
to you…the way he treated you that day. I’ve seen how he treats people when
something goes wrong in that warped brain of his. It’s some weird self
preservation tactic I’m sure…but that doesn’t change the fact that everything
even remotely near him withers away for one reason or another. How can you
devalue yourself like that? You mean so much to Mione and I…how can you mean so
little to yourself?”

 

Harry sighed and put his head in his hands, although he was
glad to hear how much he meant to his friends. “It’s not what you think
Ron…we’re not together…anymore. He basically refused to do what his father
wanted him to and got thrown out. He’s trying really hard to stand on his own
two feet and doing an excellent job so far. He didn’t have anywhere else to
go…”

 

“So let me get this straight…” Ron began “…Malfoy is
penniless?”

 

Harry shook his head. “No…rich as ever…he has his own money,
plus business is lookingd fod for him.”

 

“Okay…so he’s still got his piles of money… And you two
aren’t together?”

 

Again, Harry shook his head.

 

“Then tell me why he’s still here. I know it’s hard for you
to let him go, especially since you don’t seem to even realize that you’re holding
on…but he *is* still here.”

 

Harry had no answer for this, but thankfully, Hermione
appeared at the table with their meal and the discussion quickly changed. Long
after dinner and after he had bid his friends goodbye, Harry still could not
get Ron’s words out of his head. The red head had a point. Why was Draco still
there? Was he as reluctant to leave as Harry was to let him go? Soon enough,
Harry found that dwelling on the subject only led in ein endless circles around
his conscious and the tight feeling in the pit of his stomach. Refusing to
think any more about it, he headed off to bed where he would, undoubtedly,
think some more.

 

**************************************************

 

Draco found that he quite liked New
York City. The people were eccentric and friendly
enough…but what he loved most was the art. There was art of some form or
another everywhere he looked. Michael, also being an art lover, had an
excellent time touring the city with the blonde. Before long, they ended up in Central
Park sitting side by side and chatting about seemingly
inconsequential things. When all of a sudden, Michael took the conversation in
a slightly more serious direction.

 

“So…Harry Potter. What is he to you? Is he your friend? Your
lover?”

 

Draco looked down at the ground for a moment, considering
his answer. “Neither…really. He’s not my lover…anymore. We were never really
friends…I suppose we are, but we never would have been if it weren’t for…” he
trailed off.

 

“I see. Why is it that you live with him then?”

 

Draco wasn’t sure he had an honest answer for the question.
“I’m not sure exactly…I just deposited myself on his doorstep after I left my
family. With the business and everything that’s happened…I just haven’t made
the effort to move out.”

 

Michael ld atd at Draco then…his almost black gaze fixing
intensely on Draco’s grey. He held the stare for a long moment before Draco,
getting somewhat anxious with the inspection, had to look away. After another
moment of silence, Draco stood.

 

“I suppose we should be getting back…I think we have a
meeting in an hour or so.”

 

Michael stood as well. “Yes, that’s correct.”

 

The two made it back to their respective rooms in relative
silence. Michael was the silent type, strong and tranquil, while Draco had a
small knot in his throat from the intensity of their earlier moment in the
park.

 

************************************************

 

Finally what seemed to be the longest week of Harry Potter’s
life came to an end. For all the fireworks going off in his head, he kept his
demeanor calm when Draco stepped into the flat looking immaculate as ever. From
the sofa, he glanced over his shoulder when the blonde closed the door behind
him.

 

“How was your trip?”

 

“It was fine…the city was beautiful…I intend to go back at
some point.”

 

“Ah…”

 

Silence reigned until Draco spoke up.

 

“Is that an interesting magazine?”

 

Harry nodded. “Yeah…sure…”

 

The Malfoy smirk made its appearance. “Then wouldn’t you
want to read it right side up?”

 

Harry flushed with embarrassment at having been so unfocused
and worse, being called on it. Luckily, Draco chose not to dwell on it.

 

“Harry, I am starving…if I don’t eat, I may end up chewing
on the sofa…do you want to go get some food?”

 

Harry considered the situation. Dinner with Draco…it
sounded…nice. Again he had to remind himself not to make so much out of the
small things, as fleeting as they were.

 

“Sure…why not?”

 

***************************************************

 

After dinner, when the two reentered the flat chatting
jovially, Draco was surprised to find that he had an owl. Harry assumed it was
business and left him to it while he took a shower.

 

He stepped under the spray of hot water and again his brain
went into overtime. He hated being so analytical…but there wasn’t much choice
in such a complex situation. He was quite pleased with the way the evening had
played out; the two of them had acted as friends. But still, Harry wondered if
being friends would be enough for both of them, or if it was just one big
charade on both their parts. Harry was so used to having some sort of
definition to everything in his life. Friends…enemies…allies…lovers…everyone
had always had their appropriate place and title to him…but Draco seemed to
explode and scatter all over the map, invading all aspects of his life but
never fitting into any category.

 

Harry was thankful that his shower was finished and that
maybe he could get some sleep tonight. He dashed from the bathroom and into his
room to put on a t-shirt and some flannel pajama pants. He shook the towel over
his wet mop of ebony hair one more time, slipped his glasses back up his nose
and went back into the living room. Glancing around, he noticed that something
was missing…Draco. Padding to his bedroom door, Harry knocked and received no
answer and upon opening the door found again no sign of him. He scratched his
head and shrugged before going back into the kitchen where he saw Draco’s crumpled
and discarded message from the owl. Unable to quell his curiosity, Harry picked
up the parchment and began to read…

 

*****************************************************

 

 

After Harry announced that he was going to shower, Draco
unrolled the parchment, expecting some business papers that he still wouldn’t
fully understand just yet. He was shocked, to say the least, to find his
mother’s handwriting.

 

Boy,

I am writing to demand
that you to cease your attempts at communication with the Manor. Every owl
received sends Lucius into a string of curses that is no longer tolerable. It
is not a request; neither he nor I have any wish to receive any more word from
you. Send no more owls.

 

Narcissa Malfoy

 

Draco had to read the awful message three times to make sure
it was real. He knew he was no longer allowed to participate in the happenings
of his family…but was he no longer family at all? Did he have no place in this
world? Did *no one* want him? Apparently not.

 

He crushed the message in his hand and threw it into the
kitchen floor before plunging his hand into his pocket and rooting around for
the small pack of cigarettes he was looking for. He couldn’t breathe…couldn’t
see. Anger melded so easily with hurt and self loathing into one black haze
that seemed to taint everything he looked to.

 

He flung the balcony door open and stepped into the cool
night air. Taking a long drag off of his carcinogen laced crutch, Draco found
that his legs seemed to no longer work. He leaned back against the building and
slid down, coming to rest with his arms crossed over his knees, staring out at
the city through tear blurred eyes.

 

He thought about his family…it wasn’t much of one…but it was
*his*. He thought of his Father and the stern resolve man man possessed. The
same could be said of Draco…but would he react the same way in the situation?
Draco vowed that moment he he would not…he would not become his Father…no
matter how much he loved the man. He shimmied his hand into his pocket and
fingered his wand, letting the wood run along his fingers. He hadn’t even used
the thing in so long…his life was different now. What was he? Who was he? Was
he even still a Malfoy and was there no one to be proud of him for all tork ork
he had done? He thought about his mother and how untouchable the woman had
always seemed. Draco wondered if the light had been sucked from her soul or if
she never had one to begin with. He’d never witnessed such a shell of a person
such as his mother. He assumed that she was just a stern woman for many years
of his life, but adolescence and other occurrences had forced him to admit that
Narcissa was barely a woman at all. Draco had always though of women as soft
and gentle creatures…and his mother it seemed was composed of harsh lines and
jagged edges with an empty, hollow center. His thoughts were interrupted by the
patio door opening to his right. He didn’t even look over, he knew who was
there.

 

Harry looked over at Draco who had a calm, almost empty
expression on his face. He sat with his knees pulled up and apart, his elbows
extended over them – the white tuxedo shirt hanging low on his hands, and a
burning cigarette peaking out from the sleeve.

There were tear tracks on his cheeks, but Harry thought it
best not to pay too much attention to them. He looked like an angel, bruised
and fallen, yet still so beautiful. Harry finally opened his mouth to speak.

 

“I thought you quit.”

 

Draco gave a half smile to no one in particular. “Quitters
never win.”

 

Deciding not to beat around the bush, Harry sat down beside
him. “I read the letter from your mother…I’m sorry Draco.”

 

Draco still did not face him. “It’s nothing…just a
request…hardly of any significance.”

 

Harry knew better, but also knew that short of getting the
boy to break completely he would get no other response. So he turned slightly
and wrapped his arms around the black rose sitting next to him, praying that
the thorns would not cut too deep.

 

Draco remained unresponsive for a moment, but quickly found
himself relaxing into the embrace. His hands slowly found their way around
Harry’s shoulders while his head fell into the freshly showered neck, the scent
of vanilla welcoming him home.

 

Harry could feel the wetness on his collar, but did not
mention it. He moved one of his hands to the platinum hair and felt his breath
catch at the softness…as it always did. After a long moment, he twisted
slightly and leaned back against the wall and Draco, instead of moving with
him, remained in place and his head slid down into Harry’s lap where rough and
familiar fingers worked their way across his scalp.

 

Neither of them spoke, not knowing what to say and not
wanting to ruin the fragile serenity of the moment. Draco remained facing
forward with unfocused eyes that blurred the lights of the city. His hands were
drawn inward towards his body with this fingers resting on the flannel knee
that currently acted as his pillow, tracing absent minded circles along the
surface. Harry looked downward at his lap, studying the other’s profile and
then the pale and perfectly shaped ear, his fingers continually raking through
the silky hair.

 

After some time had passed, Draco shifted and rolled onto
his back to look up at Harry. His chin tilted up at a slight angle, and with
the first few buttons of his shirt undone, Harry had full view of the pale
column of flesh of Draco’s neck. His blonde hair was splayed out over Harry’s lap
and drops of moisture gleamed off of his long lashes. He looked ethereal…a
broken angel from a painting done in a time when true beauty still existed. He
reached his soft hand up and let it rest on Harry’s cheek before opening supple
lips to speak in a low almost whisper.

 

“Sometimes things just hurt so much.”

 

Their eyes locked for what might have been a moment, but
could have easily been a century. Harry found his head moving on its own
accord, his lips parting slightly as he leaned down. They connected and Harry
felt his breath hitch in his chest. The kiss was soft and chaste – warm lips
connecting and stilling the world around them. Draco’s fingers ran from Harry’s
cheek up into the still damp hair and Harry felt a shiver go up his spine when
the fingernails brushed his scalp.

 

When the kiss broke, Harry pulled back, but only just. A
million voices in his head were screaming at him, each saying something
different. Draco’s still misty grey eyes were staring up at him asking a
thousand questions that Harry wasn’t sure he had the answers for.

 

“Harry, what…”

 

Harry placed his finger over the lips of the boy below him,
silencing him.

 

“Please don’t ask me any questions.”

 

Before Draco could reply, Harry leaned down again and placed
another kiss to his mouth. This one had more force behind it, but still
remained innocent. Draco returned the gesture, his head lifting off of Harry’s
lap slightly as he leaned into the kiss. Draco drew the other’s bottom lip out
with his teeth and ran his tongue along the inside curve of the lip, asking
permission to deepen their endeavor. At this, Harry pulled away again and
stared down at him for a moment before blinking and looking away.

 

“You should get some sleep…it’s been a long day.”

 

Draco also looked away, which left both of them staring out
at the lights beyond their balcony.

 

“You’re right…go on to bed if you like…I’m going to sit a
minute longer.”

 

Harry felt Draco lift himself up off of his lap. The darker
haired boy stood and looked down at the dragon who again surrounded himself in
his ring of fire, shunning all who would dare to get too close. “Okay…Are you sure you’ll be alright Draco?”

 

The blonde simply nodded and did not look at him. Harry took
a deep breath and padded back inside and to his room. He collapsed onto his bed
and covered his face with a pillow before screaming at the top of his lungs in
frustration. What had he done? What did it mean? Why? What was he going to do
now? After telling Draco not to ask anything of him, he certainly had quite an
arsenal of questions for himself. The only answer he could come up with was…he
didn’t know.

 

He didn’t know why he had kissed the boy, or what the
implications of his actions would be…only that he did it and now he would have
to deal with it. He did know one thing…that it mustn’t happen again. His
situation with Draco was already too confusing and adding another dimension to
it would only make things more complicated. But was it really another
dimension…or was it always there scratching at the surface and refusing to be ignored?


 

He removed the pillow from his face and laid there in the
dark, staringthe the ceiling in total silence. After some time, Harry noticed
out of the corner of his eye that the light creeping in from the hall at his
open door had become obstructed. Looking to his right at the doorway he saw
Draco leaning against the doorframe, his form framed by warm light that glinted
in shades of soft gold off of his hair.

 

Harry found that words had left him as he watched Draco move
slowly towards him. The blonde made it to the edge of the bed and knelt beside
Harry before reaching out his long fingers and determinedly taking off the
seeker’s glasses and tossing them onto the bedside table. He lifted one leg
over Harry so that his knees rested on either side of him and leaned down inch
by inch, closing the distance between their faces. Harry finally found his
voice.

 

“What are you…?”

 

Draco cut him off by placing his thumb over his lips and
slipping the tip inside of his mouth so that the pad of his finger rested on
Harry’s tongue.

 

“You said no questions…”

 

Harry closed his eyes and relaxed, sinking into the bed and
into the boy that it seemed could ask almost anything of him. He closed his
lips around the finger as it withdrew from his mouth and was not surprised when
a warm tongue took its place. The intricate and deep kiss was interrupted by
Harry’s shirt which Draco had been pushing up with his hands. Harry lifted his
arms to allow the cloth to be discarded before his fingers nimbly began
unbuttoning the last of the buttons of Draco’s shirt. When he had slipped it
off the boy’s shoulders, Harry sat up and ran one hand along the newly exposed
lower back while his other hand rested at the back of Draco’s head, his fingers
embedded in the soft blonde hair. He began to nip and lick at the pale neck
that tilted back with his ministrations.

 

Draco let out a shaky breath and moved his head back down so
that he could again capture Harry’s lips. Within the kiss, Draco pushed Harry
back down and his hands found the seekers own rougher ones and pressed them
into the pillow above both their heads. He kissed his way down to Harry’s jaw
and placed somewhat sharp, but not unpleasant, little bites there. Stopping for
a moment, Draco looked up at Harry’s flushed face, softly illuminated by the
light from the doorway. He stretched up until his mouth was level with the
other boy’s forehead and gently traced a finger over the lightning shaped scar,
causing Harry to jolt underneath him. He took each of Harry’s hands and wrapped
the boy’s fingers around the bars of the headboard; silently instructing him to
keep his hands placed there…Harry complied.

 

Coming back down, the blonde placed a kiss to the top of
Harry’s head and stopped again at the scar that was this time traced with a warm
tongue. The sensation caused Harry to buck his hips up and forced a soft moan
from his lips. Draco continued to place soft kisses along his face and down his
neck triggering Harry to arch his head back and to the side to give him greater
access. Before long the kisses moved lower still….past his collarbone…along a
smooth tanned chest rising and falling erratically, displaying the restlessness
of the former Gryffindor…and down to the taut stomach. Harry had to stifle a
yell when a pink tongue dipped into his navel and found it no easier to keep
quiet when that same tongue ran a line across his lower stomach underneath the
elastic band of his pants. When Draco ran his nose along the distinct line of
arousal in Harry’s pajamas, Harry knew only one thing…he *had* to kiss him. He
had to kiss him that instant or he would die.

 

Relinquishing his grip on the headboard with one hand, his
fingers found Draco’s chin and he tilted the face to look at him before pulling
slightly, asking the boy to come to him. Draco complied, but when their faces
met, the blonde one pressed his lips to Harry’s ear and took the seeker’s free
hand in his own.

 

“I thought I asked you to keep these up here.”

 

Draco moved Harry’s hand back to its place gripping the head
board, and then complied with Harry’s wishes, crashing his lips down onto the
other boy’s with an urgency not usually associated with the cool Slytherin.

 

Deeply involved in the kiss, Harry was jolted out of his
hazy state by a sharp pain in his lower lip that caused him to jerk back,
breaking their contact.

 

“Ow…”

 

Draco said nothing, but ran his fingers up along the length
of tanned neck underneath him until his thumb pressed into the underside of
Harry’s chin, forcing his head back and exposing his throat. Harry could feel
wet kisses at the hollow of this throat and up along his adams
apple and had just started to relax again when another sharp pain shot through
him with a harsh bite to his neck.

 

“Ow…Draco, what the hell is wrong with you?”

 

Again, Draco said nothing, but made a soft “Hnnn” noise and
placed his index finger in Harry’s mouth to quiet him. Harry was about to
protest when he felt the wet finger make contact with his nipple, hardening it
instantly. Draco’s mouth quickly replaced the finger, causing Harry to .
T.
The moan turned to yelp when again he was bitten. This time he pushed Draco
away and sat up to avoid being quieted yet again.

 

“For the love of god, *Ow*. What’s wrong with you? Why are
you bein har harsh?”

 

Harry knew Draco had a darker side and that it most
definitely made its appearances in the bedroom…but this time his actions were
unusually fierce. Harry wondered if he had drawn blood.

 

Again Draco said nothing, but sat back and crossed his arms
over his chest.

 

“Well?” Harry prodded.

 

Draco finally spoke. “If all you are going to do is
complain, I’ll just be going now.” He lifted up as if to leave, but Harry
caught his arm.

 

“I don’t want you to leave…I just want to know why you’re
acting so strangely.”

 

Draco glared at him. “I’m not acting strangely…this is *me*.
No one seems to care at all about who I really am or what I want. I’m just
trying to be me for the first time and I have *no* control over anything…”

 

Harry closed his eyes and smiled a small smile, finally
understanding at least a bit more. So that was it…control. Receiving the harsh
words from his family must have made Draco question his effectiveness at having
any say in what happens to him. Harry understood, but still wasn’t too keen on
bleeding everywhere Draco chose to kiss him. To calm the former Slytherin,
Harry reached out his hand and pulled Draco closer to him. He bowed his head so
that the other boy would not feel at all challenged.

 

“You can’t control everything…I know that better than
anyone…sometimes you just have to let things happen and pray to Merlin that you
can keep up…”

 

Harry laid down, taking Draco with him and cocooned the
brooding blonde in his arms. They were quiet and still for a long time before
Harry, against his better judgment, asked Draco the question pounding in his
head. Were Draco to ask it of him in return he would have no answer at all.

 

“What does this mean?”

 

It took Draco a moment to respond and when he did, he
remained facing the opposite direction, not looking at Harry.

 

“Nothing…this means nothing Harry…”

 

‘Maybe it’s better
that way…’ Harry thought as sleep finally took him.

 

He awoke some time later and glanced at the clock…two thirty in the morning…it had been two
hours. Immediately he noticed the emptiness of the bed around him. Patting his
arms around just to make sure, his thoughts were confirmed…Draco was gone from
his bed.

 

***************************************************

 

TBC

 

I *loved* writing this chapter. Please review…I love you
guys. There is much to come.

 

Love and Kisses,

 

Reika