Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
4
Views:
1,054
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
4
Views:
1,054
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
all the young dudes
EXT: CONCERT STAGE NIGHT 2002
EXT: CONCERT STAGE NIGHT 2002
The intro to
"Baby's on Fire "(Brian Eno) plays as Draco enters with his guitar.
DRACO
Baby's On Fire
Better throw her in the water
Look at her laughing
Like a heifer to the slaughter
Baby's On Fire
And all the laughing boys are bitching
Waiting for photos
Oh the plot is so bewitching
Rescuers row, row
Do your best to change the subject
Blow the wind blow, blow
Lend some assistance to the object
Harry bounds on,
strumming his guitar wildly. The
audience screams.
DRACO
Photographers snip-snap
Take your time she's only burning
This kind of experience
Is necessary for her learning
If you'd be my flotsam
I could be half the man I used to
They said you were hot stuff
And that's what baby's been reduced to
Draco slinks down onto
his knees and starts playing Harry's guitar with his teeth. The crowd goes nearly orgasmic. Draco looks like he's "going down"
on Harry and Harry is loving it.
Cameras flash.
CUT TO
INT. NIGHT. HOTEL
SUITE. 2003
We are viewing what is
basically an orgy. Draco and Harry keep
trying to break away from everyone else and get to each other. Their groupies, hangers on and in Draco's
case, spouse, are completely oblivious to this.
Harry wriggles out from under Blaise and walks to the door, staring hard
at Draco the whole time. Draco tries to
disentangle his leg from a groupie, who is kneeling on the floor trying to lick
the back of his knee. Harry stares at
Draco. Draco stares at Harry.
Harry turns and walks
out the door, pointedly leaving it open.
Draco struggles to get free of the hands, which are now beginning to
resembling tentacles grasping at him.
Draco trips over a dwarf and
crashes into a large sheepdog. He
rights himself and leaves the room after Harry, still looking hungry.
CUT TO
HOTEL SUITE. LIVING
ROOM. NEXT DAY.
Ginny is consoling a
weeping Pansy.
GINNY
Come on, buck up. I
thought you two had an open marriage.
PANSY
Well, yes. But that doesn't mean he can go around having sex
with other people!
GINNY
Actually…
PANSY
Say it, and you're fired, Weasley.
GINNY
(pats her on the back
with a face that tells us she can't stand the woman)
All I'm saying is, you never had a problem with Draco having multiple partners
before. YOU sleep with other people.
PANSY
But not Harry BLOODY POTTER!
GINNY
(nervously)
Just because two people were naked in bed together doesn't
mean-
CUT TO:
INT: PRESENT DAY. THE
RESORT SPA. DAY. 2010.
Pansy turns to the
camera and says sarcastically..
PANSY
Oh no, not at all.
Would Draco and Harry get in bed, naked and NOT fuck like bunnies? They always wanted each other more than they
ever wanted anyone else. It was obvious to all of us for years before the two
idiots figured it out on their own.
COLIN
But you had an OPEN MARRIAGE.
PANSY
en, en, schmopen.
CUT TO
HOTEL SUITE. EARLY
MORNING. 2003.
Draco and Harry are buck naked and sleeping curled up together. Harry has scratch marks on his arms and Draco
is draped over him like a little blond blanket. Harry's chin rests on the top
of Draco's head.
Ginny opens the door.
She sees them, gasps and shuts it.
Draco's eyes open.
CUT TO
INT: RESORT SPA. DAY.
2010.
PANSY
And that was when I knew the end had come for Draco and
I. He kept taking more and more holidays
with Harry and finding excuses not to have sex with me. So I took up with Gilderoy, but it had no effect on Draco. He
just didn't notice anymore.
CUT BRIEFLY to a scene
of Pansy and Lockhart making love very
loudly in one room, while Draco stares dreamily at a picture of Harry in
another room.
INT: TV STUDIO. DAY. 2003
We are on the set
of a tv talk show produced by a music
video channel. The thtodatoday is Draco
Malfoy, and two pop giants are expressing their opinions of him.
Draco has become popular enough to cross over onto the Muggle charts.
MUGGLE HOST
We're back, with popular music legend David Bowie, and up
and coming punk star Avril Lavigne to talk about the man everyone's talking
about, Draco Malfoy. David, how are things with you?
DAVID
Fine, lovelyuallually.
I am on some cold medication at the moment, I have moments when I find
myself just blurting out all sorts of things.
HOST
(laughs)
So, Avril, how does it feel to be sitting on a couch
with David Bowie?"
AVRIL
I dunno. I don't even really know who is he is, so am I
supposed to be like, impressed or something?
David's face is
unreadable. However, the host is trying not to laugh as she deliberately baits
the girl into embarrassing herself.
HOST
Do you want to play your song for him?
AVRIL
(shrugs)
Okay.
(they roll her
“COMPLICATED” video)
DAVID
(smiles indulgently)
That's very interesting. Did you write it all by yourself?
AVRIL
No, I co wrote it with my production team.
DAVID
Well, you're still very young. You'll be able to work with
more complicated material as you gain more experience.
Avril tries to figure
out whether she's been insulted or not.
HOST
Avril, you're relatively new to the rock scene, although as
I understand it you used to sing country music?
What's your opinion of the impact Draco Malfoy has had so far?
AVRIL
I think, he's like- a big faker, eh? His music doesn't mean
anything, it doesn't make any sense. It's not deep at all. I don't even think he writes his own
songs! And those robes he wears? He's
like, mining a culture for his own gain.
He's like, strip mining the pagan
culture to make himself look cool. I bet he doesn't even really do magic. And the bi thing? He just wants to be bi
because he knows it'll upset people, if he's bi and pagan. He wants to be
threatening and family friendly at the same time and it's not working, I think,
but that's just my own opinion. I bet he
doesn't even write his own songs.
All these little kids are going around asking their parents
for wizard gear and it just looks silly on those little kids. But that is just
my opinion, I don't even think he writes his own songs.
HOST
(her eyes, like
David's are watering trying to follow that speech)
Now, David, you've seen a lot of artists come and go. What's your opinion of Draco Malfoy? Do you think he'll be able to hold onto his
number one place in the charts? Is he a
false artist?
DAVID
I think he does have staying power. He's shown he has the capability to be
versatile, and he's got a great group of people behind him. His music isn't deep but neither has he been pretending it's meant
to be deep. So I believe he's either a
supremely honest artist, or an excellent
fake. Some artists try to be what they aren't and it clearly doesn't work. I
don't see that as being the case with Malfoy.
He's very captivating to watch. A beautiful man. To be honest, when I watch
him I come close to forgetting I'm married. I want to fuck him, I truly
do. I feel incredibly jealous of
that Harry Potter fellow. I had this
dream last night where- (David suddenly
realizes he's been saying a few things he shouldn't have said) and this is going out live, isn’t it.
CUT TO
A DARKENED FILM
LIBRARY, NIGHT, 2010.
Colin looks up from
his notebook, where he has been making notes from the video.
CUT TO
INT: DRACO’S
HOME. DAY. 2003.
Pansy is shouting and throwing things. Draco watches impassively, he is used to her
antics. A china cup sails past his ear.
PANSY
I am your wife! Why
is everyone forgetting? (she hurls a
crystal wine decanter) HARRY POTTER IS NOT YOUR WIFE!
DRACO
So you want me to buy you some jewelry or something?
CUT TO
INT: HARRY’S HOTEL
ROOM. ON TOUR. NIGHT. 2003.
Harry and Draco have just finished making love in the warm
glow of the fireplace. Draco sits up and
rummages through his pants pocket. His pants are a couple of feet away from
where the two are laying. He takes
something out and turns back to Harry.
DRACO
Harry, I-I really want you to have this. It’ll bring you good luck. (he opens his palm to reveal Stubby’s green
earring.)
HARRY
It’s lovely, Draco.
But-
DRACO
(slightly annoyed)
What?
Harry turns away, and turns back with a green earring of his
own.
HARRY
I seem to already have the mate.
DRACO
(angrily)
Oh, that’s it. That’s it.
I’ve had it. Everything I try,
you do better at than I do. I was searching and searching for something special
that I could give you that you didn’t already have and oh, guess what?
You ALREADY have a
magical, mysterious green rock from outerspace!
HARRY
Draco, I’m sorry. My
godfather gave it to me when I was a baby.
DRACO
(pouts)
Thanks for ruining my surprise.
HARRY
I didn’t mean to ruin it.
Look, don’t you think that we might be meant to be together if we both
wound up with one half of a matching set?
DRACO
Would that be true even if I-er- stole mine?
HARRY
You didn’t…you did.
DRACO
I wanted to be famous! Boardman wasn’t making good use of
his! The man hadn’t made an album in 18
years!
HARRY
Arrggggg! ( grabs fistfuls of his own hair)
CUT TO
INT: RESORT SPA. DAY. 2010
Pansy smiles at Colin.
PANSY
We played tug of war over Draco for almost a year. Draco was getting more famous all the time,
things were getting so complicated I don’t think he knew which end was up
anymore. And Harry and I-well, we didn’t
help. We fought over him like two little girls over a Barbie doll. I’m not surprised Draco did what he
eventually did.
COLIN
He..
PANSY
Decided to kill himself.
**
EXT: CONCERT STAGE NIGHT 2002
The intro to
"Baby's on Fire "(Brian Eno) plays as Draco enters with his guitar.
DRACO
Baby's On Fire
Better throw her in the water
Look at her laughing
Like a heifer to the slaughter
Baby's On Fire
And all the laughing boys are bitching
Waiting for photos
Oh the plot is so bewitching
Rescuers row, row
Do your best to change the subject
Blow the wind blow, blow
Lend some assistance to the object
Harry bounds on,
strumming his guitar wildly. The
audience screams.
DRACO
Photographers snip-snap
Take your time she's only burning
This kind of experience
Is necessary for her learning
If you'd be my flotsam
I could be half the man I used to
They said you were hot stuff
And that's what baby's been reduced to
Draco slinks down onto
his knees and starts playing Harry's guitar with his teeth. The crowd goes nearly orgasmic. Draco looks like he's "going down"
on Harry and Harry is loving it.
Cameras flash.
CUT TO
INT. NIGHT. HOTEL
SUITE. 2003
We are viewing what is
basically an orgy. Draco and Harry keep
trying to break away from everyone else and get to each other. Their groupies, hangers on and in Draco's
case, spouse, are completely oblivious to this.
Harry wriggles out from under Blaise and walks to the door, staring hard
at Draco the whole time. Draco tries to
disentangle his leg from a groupie, who is kneeling on the floor trying to lick
the back of his knee. Harry stares at
Draco. Draco stares at Harry.
Harry turns and walks
out the door, pointedly leaving it open.
Draco struggles to get free of the hands, which are now beginning to
resembling tentacles grasping at him.
Draco trips over a dwarf and
crashes into a large sheepdog. He
rights himself and leaves the room after Harry, still looking hungry.
CUT TO
HOTEL SUITE. LIVING
ROOM. NEXT DAY.
Ginny is consoling a
weeping Pansy.
GINNY
Come on, buck up. I
thought you two had an open marriage.
PANSY
Well, yes. But that doesn't mean he can go around having sex
with other people!
GINNY
Actually…
PANSY
Say it, and you're fired, Weasley.
GINNY
(pats her on the back
with a face that tells us she can't stand the woman)
All I'm saying is, you never had a problem with Draco having multiple partners
before. YOU sleep with other people.
PANSY
But not Harry BLOODY POTTER!
GINNY
(nervously)
Just because two people were naked in bed together doesn't
mean-
CUT TO:
INT: PRESENT DAY. THE
RESORT SPA. DAY. 2010.
Pansy turns to the
camera and says sarcastically..
PANSY
Oh no, not at all.
Would Draco and Harry get in bed, naked and NOT fuck like bunnies? They always wanted each other more than they
ever wanted anyone else. It was obvious to all of us for years before the two
idiots figured it out on their own.
COLIN
But you had an OPEN MARRIAGE.
PANSY
en, en, schmopen.
CUT TO
HOTEL SUITE. EARLY
MORNING. 2003.
Draco and Harry are buck naked and sleeping curled up together. Harry has scratch marks on his arms and Draco
is draped over him like a little blond blanket. Harry's chin rests on the top
of Draco's head.
Ginny opens the door.
She sees them, gasps and shuts it.
Draco's eyes open.
CUT TO
INT: RESORT SPA. DAY.
2010.
PANSY
And that was when I knew the end had come for Draco and
I. He kept taking more and more holidays
with Harry and finding excuses not to have sex with me. So I took up with Gilderoy, but it had no effect on Draco. He
just didn't notice anymore.
CUT BRIEFLY to a scene
of Pansy and Lockhart making love very
loudly in one room, while Draco stares dreamily at a picture of Harry in
another room.
INT: TV STUDIO. DAY. 2003
We are on the set
of a tv talk show produced by a music
video channel. The thtodatoday is Draco
Malfoy, and two pop giants are expressing their opinions of him.
Draco has become popular enough to cross over onto the Muggle charts.
MUGGLE HOST
We're back, with popular music legend David Bowie, and up
and coming punk star Avril Lavigne to talk about the man everyone's talking
about, Draco Malfoy. David, how are things with you?
DAVID
Fine, lovelyuallually.
I am on some cold medication at the moment, I have moments when I find
myself just blurting out all sorts of things.
HOST
(laughs)
So, Avril, how does it feel to be sitting on a couch
with David Bowie?"
AVRIL
I dunno. I don't even really know who is he is, so am I
supposed to be like, impressed or something?
David's face is
unreadable. However, the host is trying not to laugh as she deliberately baits
the girl into embarrassing herself.
HOST
Do you want to play your song for him?
AVRIL
(shrugs)
Okay.
(they roll her
“COMPLICATED” video)
DAVID
(smiles indulgently)
That's very interesting. Did you write it all by yourself?
AVRIL
No, I co wrote it with my production team.
DAVID
Well, you're still very young. You'll be able to work with
more complicated material as you gain more experience.
Avril tries to figure
out whether she's been insulted or not.
HOST
Avril, you're relatively new to the rock scene, although as
I understand it you used to sing country music?
What's your opinion of the impact Draco Malfoy has had so far?
AVRIL
I think, he's like- a big faker, eh? His music doesn't mean
anything, it doesn't make any sense. It's not deep at all. I don't even think he writes his own
songs! And those robes he wears? He's
like, mining a culture for his own gain.
He's like, strip mining the pagan
culture to make himself look cool. I bet he doesn't even really do magic. And the bi thing? He just wants to be bi
because he knows it'll upset people, if he's bi and pagan. He wants to be
threatening and family friendly at the same time and it's not working, I think,
but that's just my own opinion. I bet he
doesn't even write his own songs.
All these little kids are going around asking their parents
for wizard gear and it just looks silly on those little kids. But that is just
my opinion, I don't even think he writes his own songs.
HOST
(her eyes, like
David's are watering trying to follow that speech)
Now, David, you've seen a lot of artists come and go. What's your opinion of Draco Malfoy? Do you think he'll be able to hold onto his
number one place in the charts? Is he a
false artist?
DAVID
I think he does have staying power. He's shown he has the capability to be
versatile, and he's got a great group of people behind him. His music isn't deep but neither has he been pretending it's meant
to be deep. So I believe he's either a
supremely honest artist, or an excellent
fake. Some artists try to be what they aren't and it clearly doesn't work. I
don't see that as being the case with Malfoy.
He's very captivating to watch. A beautiful man. To be honest, when I watch
him I come close to forgetting I'm married. I want to fuck him, I truly
do. I feel incredibly jealous of
that Harry Potter fellow. I had this
dream last night where- (David suddenly
realizes he's been saying a few things he shouldn't have said) and this is going out live, isn’t it.
CUT TO
A DARKENED FILM
LIBRARY, NIGHT, 2010.
Colin looks up from
his notebook, where he has been making notes from the video.
CUT TO
INT: DRACO’S
HOME. DAY. 2003.
Pansy is shouting and throwing things. Draco watches impassively, he is used to her
antics. A china cup sails past his ear.
PANSY
I am your wife! Why
is everyone forgetting? (she hurls a
crystal wine decanter) HARRY POTTER IS NOT YOUR WIFE!
DRACO
So you want me to buy you some jewelry or something?
CUT TO
INT: HARRY’S HOTEL
ROOM. ON TOUR. NIGHT. 2003.
Harry and Draco have just finished making love in the warm
glow of the fireplace. Draco sits up and
rummages through his pants pocket. His pants are a couple of feet away from
where the two are laying. He takes
something out and turns back to Harry.
DRACO
Harry, I-I really want you to have this. It’ll bring you good luck. (he opens his palm to reveal Stubby’s green
earring.)
HARRY
It’s lovely, Draco.
But-
DRACO
(slightly annoyed)
What?
Harry turns away, and turns back with a green earring of his
own.
HARRY
I seem to already have the mate.
DRACO
(angrily)
Oh, that’s it. That’s it.
I’ve had it. Everything I try,
you do better at than I do. I was searching and searching for something special
that I could give you that you didn’t already have and oh, guess what?
You ALREADY have a
magical, mysterious green rock from outerspace!
HARRY
Draco, I’m sorry. My
godfather gave it to me when I was a baby.
DRACO
(pouts)
Thanks for ruining my surprise.
HARRY
I didn’t mean to ruin it.
Look, don’t you think that we might be meant to be together if we both
wound up with one half of a matching set?
DRACO
Would that be true even if I-er- stole mine?
HARRY
You didn’t…you did.
DRACO
I wanted to be famous! Boardman wasn’t making good use of
his! The man hadn’t made an album in 18
years!
HARRY
Arrggggg! ( grabs fistfuls of his own hair)
CUT TO
INT: RESORT SPA. DAY. 2010
Pansy smiles at Colin.
PANSY
We played tug of war over Draco for almost a year. Draco was getting more famous all the time,
things were getting so complicated I don’t think he knew which end was up
anymore. And Harry and I-well, we didn’t
help. We fought over him like two little girls over a Barbie doll. I’m not surprised Draco did what he
eventually did.
COLIN
He..
PANSY
Decided to kill himself.
**