Jaded

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.

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Chapter Four: Before the Full Moon

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As the days passed Harry got accustomed to the rhythm of life in the Gryffindor tower in 1977. To Harry's surprise things hadn’t change at all, it was the same rush for homework, the same laid back attitude that consisted of playing games and swapping chocolate frogs' cards. Harry wasn't even sure why he was so surprised by that but it was almost disappointing to find out that nothing has changed in the past 20 years.

Harry was still struggling with his school work, having to learn all the things he used to learn but slightly askew. He suspected that the fact that it was actually the same teachers that were teaching him was also part of the reason he was having such a hard time. Lucky for him he had his mother and Remus to get him by. Lily, true to her nature of kindness and altruism took on Harry as somewhat of a project- happy to have a new focal point, and someone that could actually be taught, unlike Peter that was starting to get on her nerves slowly but surely. Remus was simply happy to explain things, even if it made Sirius constantly making fun of him, and the nickname 'professor' seemed to have stuck to the poor werewolf. Harry, on his part decided to take his little crush to the next level, or just find out if Remus was into him. But unlike his ability to plunge headlong into dangerous and near-death situations, his ability to actually speak to a person he liked left him babbling and blushing, much like his own father which frustrated Harry to no end.

He decided that the subtle approach would work best for him, and hopefully would save him a world of embarrassment should his feelings would not be returned. And so he spent his days doing his best to flirt as cunningly as he could. He even watched the girls around him, trying to pick up the little ways they used in order to attract the attention of the boys they fancied, but to his utter disappointment Remus didn’t seem to pick any of his little smiles, eye-batting or occasional hand brushings that lingered on the skin-to-skin contact just a friction of a second too long than was strictly necessary. After several days of frantic flirting Harry was forced to reach the conclusion that Remus was either uninterested or just straight- both options seemed to have cut deep into his ego.

While Harry was trying to find the silver lining into the heart of his unrequited love, Lily watched. Ever the keen observer of the human behaviour she watched the drama unfold in front of her eyes. She could’ve told Harry that he was going the wrong way about things altogether, that Remus didn’t care much for subtlety and coyness, that he should have charged headlong into the situation and take what he wanted from Remus, but then again, where would be the fun in that?

As for herself, one of the reasons she took on Harry as a project was to get James jealous, even if she would never admit it to herself. Peter was a lost case she realized, he was just too dumb or too reckless if he really thought he could swoop in and charm ‘James’ girl’- not that Lily ever admitted to anyone but she saw herself as James’ girl, and that she was merely waiting for the black-haired boy to get his nerves together and asking her out. Some vindictive part of her wouldn’t allow her to approach him; she just had too much fun watching him struggle to get one full sentence out of his mouth without a blunder. In her heart Lily knew that when James finally managed to ask her out she’d say yes, no questions asked, she just hoped it’ll happen before she turned thirty!

Jaime was nice, polite and smart which was a refreshing change for Lily. She found quite a lot of traits that were common to both of them, which drew her close to him. She had told him about her parents and sister, about the life as a muggle-born in a world where people who weren’t born to magic were considered outsiders no matter how smart and capable they were. It saddened Harry to learn that his mother had been treated that way, but he couldn’t really be comforted by the thought that things would turn better in the future when his own best friend who undoubtedly was the smarted witch of her year was mocked and called a ‘mudblood’.

For his part Harry spoke little of his home life, unable to say most things due to the spell Dumbledore put on him and not wanting to share the rest. He knew that if he told Lily how bad he’s been treated as a child she’d be outraged for his sake and he just couldn’t bare the thought of his mother being upset like that. This was not the way he wanted her to know him.

As the days passed Harry noticed the tension between the marauders was growing. At first he couldn’t really place the reason for it, the secretive looks they exchanged, the way all four of them seemed tense and ready to snap at the drop of a hat, until he had to consult a lunar cycle's chart for one of his Astronomy assignments and learned that the full moon was only three days away. That explained quite a lot, like why Remus was tittering on a fine edge, and why the rest of them were walking on eggshells around him. There was really nothing that Harry could do to ease Remus’ discomfort and pain, especially since no-one bothered to tell him the truth about Remus.

That Monday, two days before the October full moon, Harry was walking back towards the Gryffindor Tower after a Quidditch practice that James insisted he’d join- and in which they discovered that apparently Harry’s talent was much less suited to the chaser’s position than it was for the seeker. But that was fine with Harry, as he never fancied being a chaser in the first place and was happy just to cheer the team along if he couldn’t play seeker. The two boys were making their way through the halls chatting amicably about Quidditch, both left last in the changing rooms. When they rounded the corner near the tower they heard raised voices and then saw Remus and Sirius standing inches apart and yelling at each other at the top of their lungs,

“You are such a fucking delinquent child, Black! Grow the hell up!” Remus’ stance was rather threatening though he didn’t have his wand out,

“Well, excuse me for wanting to have a bit of fun, Mister Lupin, since it’s impossible to even come within a foot distance of you these days without you biting my head off!” Sirius was yelling right back, face flushing deep red and eyes narrowed,

“I’m very sorry that I can’t be there to stop you from being stupid all the time!” Sirius took a step back,

“That was low, Moony! Besides, what the hell is wrong with you? Picking up on Snivellus is practically a requirement of the marauders. If I didn’t know better I’d think you actually like the guy!” Remus’ hand moved so fast that neither Sirius nor James and Harry saw it, until the tip of Remus’ wand was pointed at Sirius’ jugular. Sirius swallowed thickly and tried to back up a little,

“Take. That. Back.” Remus growled low in his throat, his amber eyes that were usually warm and inviting were blazing with fire that made Sirius take another step back, putting some more distance between him and Remus.

“What’s going on here?” James stepped forward, rather bravely and soon found himself staring at the wand tip that was now aimed between his eyes, “Whoa, Rem, relax!” He cried and for a long moment the scene seemed to be frozen, none of the boys able to move until Remus broke out of the trance and snapped his wand away from James and then turned and stalked away, slamming the Fat Lady’s portrait shut behind him. Sirius was the second one to react and he broke in a furious run on the opposite direction leaving a flabbergasted Harry and James at his wake. James rubbed his eyes tiredly and swore loudly, “Bullocks! What the hell is wrong with these two?” He cried frustrated. He looked helplessly between the portrait hole and the end of the corridor where Sirius disappeared trying to figure out which one of his two friends to follow first. Harry saw his father’s hesitation and decided to step in, relieving James of the conflict,

“Why don’t you go and find Sirius before he does some real damage and I’ll talk to Remus?” He suggested hopefully. It took James a couple of seconds to contemplate that but eventually he nodded,

“Ok, you go ahead; I’ll come save you as soon as I calm Pads down.” He tossed behind his shoulder already hurrying along the corridor after Sirius. When James was out of sight Harry climbed into the common room. A quick scan revealed that Remus was not there, not much of a surprise really. Harry started climbing the stairs to the dorms and tried to figure out what to say to Remus, how to get him to tell him his secret without betraying the fact that Harry already knew it.

When he reached the door of the seventh year boys' dorm he took a deep breath before pushing it open. The room was quiet, save for the rustling sound that came from Remus’ bed,

“Go away, James, I’m not in the mood!” He snapped and Harry smiled,

“Sorry, wrong James.” He said cheerfully and grinned as Remus nearly jumped off his bed at the sound of his voice,

“Bloody brilliant, he sent the new guy to do the dirty work.” Remus complained loudly,

“Actually I told him I’d sort you out.” Harry refused to let the jibes get to him; he wasn’t going to let Remus chase him away. Taking another deep breath he ventured bravely towards Remus’ bed and lowered himself on the corner of it. Remus watched him with a bemused expression, noticing that Harry looked nervous, as if scared that Remus would hex him if he got too close- which was in fact the case. When Harry sat down Remus pulled his knees to his chest, his anger for Sirius already dissipated away. It was probably as good time as any to tell Harry what was really going on, Remus much preferred the new boy to learn the truth from him rather than from the others in three days time when Harry discovered that Remus was gone for the night. “So, what was that all about?”

“That was Padfoot being his usual git and me getting fed up with his shit.” Remus replied quietly.

“He was picking up on Snape again?” Harry nearly bit his tongue with the effort to avoid saying ‘Professor Snape’- some things were ingrained too deep it seems. Not that he much objected to the ‘Snivellus Pranks’ as a general rule, the satisfaction of seeing his least favourite professor getting what was coming to him was just too great but whenever he got too caught up in laughing at those pranks Harry remembered the memory he caught in Snape’s mind during their occlumency lessons- the one that revealed the cruelty of Sirius and James. Harry used this memory to put himself in constant check to make sure he’d never sink that low.

Remus nodded and started fiddling with the edge of his pillow, which he pulled to his lap. Harry had never seen Remus this nervous and it made him slightly worried. Without thinking he reached and placed his hand over Remus’ effectively halting his fingers before they ruined the cotton fabric completely,

“Remus, what’s wrong?” Remus took a deep sigh and wrapped his arms around his drawn knees, placing his chin on top of them,

“Well, I guess it’s only fair to tell you, now that you’re a full marauder and all that…” He started quietly and Harry made himself more comfortable, sitting cross legged in front of Remus and eagerly waiting for him to speak. Harry wondered briefly if it was the first time Remus had ever told his secret to someone voluntarily, he hoped so, it made him feel special and after his week of unacquainted flirting his ego was ready to take just about any sort of attention from Remus. “The reason the marauders were formed is not to torment Snape, as extraordinary it may sound and don’t believe Sirius if he tries to tell you otherwise,” Harry felt the smile tugging at his lips but said nothing, so that Remus won’t stop talking, “It was for me, to help me keep my secret.” Harry felt his heart beating at a mile a minute, and found himself leaning forward in anticipation, Remus saw that and smiled grimly, we’ll just see how eager you’ll be once you learn the truth he silently challenged Harry, “I’m a werewolf.”

A long silence stretched between them, while Remus was looking for signs of panic and Harry was searching for the right words that were not ‘So what?’ or ‘Is that all? I already knew that!’. Eventually Remus was the first to crack, “Well? Aren’t you going to run away?” He asked almost crossed,

“Do I look like I’m about to run?” Harry asked in a neutral tone, and Remus sneered at him,

“You should.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Harry said confidently and Remus sighed,

“Well, than you’re a fool.” Harry chuckled softly, eyes fixed on Remus who refused to look back at him,

“What about your friends, they didn’t run either- are they fools too?” Remus raised an eyebrow at this and gave Harry a lopsided grin that went straight to his cock,

“You have met them, haven’t you?” Both boys grinned at each other and the tension in the room seemed to be broken somewhat. “Seriously though, aren’t you scared?”

“Scared? Why should I be scared?” Harry demanded,

“Because I’m a fucking beast, that’s why!” Remus rubbed his hands exasperatedly over his face, damn, this guy was just as stubborn as James and Sirius were!

“You’re not a beast. You’re a great bloke.” Harry intoned in the same soothing voice that made Remus want to smack him upside the head, why is this bloke being so thick? “Look, I don’t mind that you’re a werewolf… they’re not so bad.” Remus quirked an eyebrow at him, this time in bewilderment,

“Have you actually met any werewolves?”

“As a matter of fact I have. I met you.” Harry gestured with his hand at Remus and smiled, “Besides, back in my old school I had a friend that was a werewolf.” This was stretching the truth a little thin, but if it helped his cause Harry was willing to take it as far as he had to,

“Really? What was their name?” Remus asked suspiciously, trying to figure out Harry’s ulterior motive because no one would befriend a werewolf unless they had a really good reason to,

“Wong, Kim Wong.” Harry threw the first name that came to mind. Kim Wong was the owner of the small Chinese restaurant back in Little Whinging, where the Dursley’s loved to dine. Not that they ever took Harry there with them but Uncle Vernon and Dudley used to rave about Mr. Wong’s food- especially when Harry was around.

“A Chinese werewolf?” Remus asked in astonishment, he’d never heard of any other werewolves, especially not ones from abroad but that made sense, after all England cannot be the only place where werewolves existed…

“Yes, his parents worked in the ministry of magic in Russia so he ended up going to Durmstrang.” Harry said, feeling like ten kinds of idiot for making up such an elaborate story but he couldn’t very well say to Remus that in 20 or so years he’d be a teacher in this very school and teach Harry his first Patronus charm amongst other useful things.

“How come they allowed him to go to school if he was a werewolf?”

“No one except me knew about it. He had this special Chinese herbs mixture to help him through the full moon. I only stumbled on his secret accidentally.”

“Well, lucky for him.” Remus muttered, this wasn’t fair, he thought grimly. He’d give anything if someone came up with something to help him through transformations, anything.

“Yeah. I’m sure someone would come up with something to help werewolves.” Harry tried desperately to lift the spirits somewhat, after his little tongue slippage that caused Remus so much pain. He desperately wished he was better at potions so that he could help, but as it was the only person he knew who could make the wolfsbane potion was Snape and he seriously doubted that Snape had mastered it yet- or even if the potion has been developed yet.

“Not bloody likely. People have absolutely no desire to help dark creatures. We’re evil.” Remus said scornfully and Harry reached his hand again to place it on top of Remus’,

“You’re not evil! Stop saying that!” He cried exasperatedly, this self-bashing was hurting him and he wished Remus would be able to think better of himself,

“Aren’t you a sweetheart?” Remus drawled sarcastically and Harry withdrew his hands back looking slightly offended. Remus cringed inwardly at the subconscious gesture, he hadn’t meant to alienate Harry, it wasn’t like he could afford to lose people that were actually sympathetic to his situation. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled and ducked his head, hiding his face in his pillow that was trapped in the cage of his knees and body, way to go Lupin, he chided himself,

“It’s alright. I guess going through all this isn’t easy,” Harry said quietly, pleased with the apology and glad that Remus didn’t seem to push him away, “I wish there was something I could do help…”

Remus shrugged without lifting his head, “The guys change into their Animagus forms and come running in the Forbidden Forest with me.”

“I can do that.” Remus lifted his head and cocked an eyebrow with amusement at Harry’s eagerness,

“You can learn how to turn into an animagi in three days?” Harry bit his lip, scolding himself for speaking so rashly,

“I… can’t?” Remus shook his head with a slight smile,

“It took James and Sirius nearly three years to figure it out.” Harry was quite floored by that, he knew of course that the Animagus magic was a very complicated one but he never realized how complicated.

“I’ll learn it; maybe in time for the next full moon,” Remus looked rather dubious but Harry prattled on not giving him a chance to speak, “What can I do in the meanwhile?” Remus opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, looking rather perplexed, why would Jaime want to help him out? Even Peter was quite reluctant to take any action beyond agreeing to keep his secret safe. This new guy was intriguing, he wasn’t like any of the others Remus met, there was something about him… Like, like he too had a big secret of his own, something he couldn’t share with others. If there was one thing Remus knew it was secrets and how bad it can make one feel to have to keep them. Secrets made you an outcast, a social pariah, no-one liked secrets and no one wanted anything to do with someone who had them. And yet, here he was, Jaime Harrison, barely three weeks with the Marauders and already he was nearly beating James on a broom and wanting to care for Remus. It made the young werewolf’s insides warm up with gratefulness.

“Nothing really, just keep me from killing Sirius. I get really tense around the full moon, its lure is getting stronger and it’s harder to fight the wolf inside me.” He said quietly. Harry felt like crying, he just wanted to reach out and pull Remus into his arms and sooth his fear and pain away, but instead he remained in his seat and nodded sombrely,

“I can definitely do that.”