The Dreaded M-word

The morning after the party, the fall out quickly made itself clear. Detentions had been given to all houses, points were lost all around, and many fought for toilette rights with the smell of vomit permeating the general vicinity. Many also woke with hazy recollection, but at this moment, we will take a closer look at Colin’s in particular.

“John” he called brokenly from the bathroom “I may have done something horrible last night.”

“Surely you’re just over reacting to your hang over. It can’t be that bad.” John said from the other side of the door.

“No, I’m pretty sure I did something terrible. All I can remember is drinking punch with Luna, and Snape finding me with my fingers up Malfoy’s ass. I can’t even remember if he gave me a detention. What if I lost It and will never know? What if I got a disease? What if I raped some poor passed out sod? And why would I finger Malfoy? I hate that git.”

“Well, fortunately for you, Luna cleared that up. You got caught before you got past the fingering. That kinky twit followed you and Malfoy to watch. So no disease, no shagging the passed out, and you haven’t lost It yet.”

“That still doesn’t tell me how my fingers would get up Malfoy’s ass. (yurp splatter splatter drip)” as the vomiting continued, Colin came to a decision “If drinking leads to me trying to fuck Malfoy with Luna watching and me feeling like this the next day, then I’m never doing this again.”

“Try not to be too hard on her. She knows you’ve been trying to lose It for a while now and since Malfoy is a slut when he’s drunk, I’m sure she was just trying to help a friend. And as creepy as the watching part is, it did save you some trouble. Oh, and it was a month of detention.”

“HELPING! Am I really so pathetic that I need help getting laid? I thought everyone wanted to pound a virgin? All I should have to do is get the word out. Why is this so hard?”(yurp yurp splick hack hack) “And why didn’t anyone warn me how vile the house punch would be the next day?”

“We thought you knew about trusting Slytherins. They always make a punch that gets you trashed fast and leaves you feeling like death warmed over the next day. That’s why I go for the straight whiskey. And perhaps you’re going about this whole getting laid thing the wrong way. If you think about it, with that whole hero worship you have going on with Potter, anyone who thought you were hot would also think you weren’t interested in a non-Potter relationship. You just need to get the word out that you’re not that picky. Or use blackmail.” John was not having a good day himself. The whole mission the party was for failed, and how was Colin getting anywhere with a month of scrubbing cauldrons, yet he couldn’t let on. A slightly depressed Colin was better then a bawling Colin any day so he would just have to try to keep him thinking positive thoughts. On the bright side, he may have a better chance of getting work done on his WiP without his dorm mate whining at him for the next month, and new chapters were sure to cheer the poor boy up a bit.

Beneath the lake, another author was having even less luck. Snape followed up one of the worst nights he’d had in a long time with an even worse morning. “Look, professor, I just need something for morning sickness and I’ll be on my way.” his very greenish godson stated with as much dignity as he could muster with his head in a recently conjured bucket.

“Draco, for the last time, you don’t have morning sickness. You just happen to be sick in the morning because you got drunk last night. If I treat your hang over with a hormone balancing potion for a woman, you will still be hung over. Just drink the potion I gave you and leave.” massaging his temples, the professor was nearly out of patience. It was bad enough that the image of the boys ass wouldn’t leave him alone, making him feel quite ill himself, but to continue with the insistence that he had a woman’s malady was just begging for a smack upside his white blond head.

“I told you, I can’t take that. The parsley in it will hurt the baby.” That was it. The boy needed to go now before something regrettable happened “Now, if-eeeep!” Snape grabbed the young Malfoy by the collar and hauled him to his feet, bucket and all. “Stop it.” He dragged the protesting twit to the door. “You could hurt my baby! Unhand me you bloody git!” Snape unceremoniously threw him into the hall. After locking his door, he could hear bellowed through it “If I miscarry you will never hear the end of it!” and decided a silencing spell was in order as well. And a large brandy, it was a Saturday after all, so he could afford a large brandy this early.

Trying to clear his head of the mess he had for a god son, he decided to try to finish the last page of his story. The climax, no pun intended, was nearly done, and a post sex cuddle needed to be added to wrap up the plot, so surely he could get it done today. So, brandy in hand he sat.

Letting the flow of the story refresh itself in his memory he lifted his quill and…..was promptly assaulted by the memory of Draco’s ass. “Fuck!” that was it. His muse had officially dropped dead and was actively rotting. There was nothing for it. He would have to go see Remus and hope the man could finish what was started, as Professor Severus Snape was officially put off sex from here on out. That blasted boy would pay.

He sent word to Minnie to let her know he was leaving school grounds and where he could be reach in case of emergencies and Flooed over to his partner in crime. “Severus, what a pleasant surprise. Have you finished the rough draft then?” was the chipper greeting he got when he arrived.

“Finished is one word for it. I quit. Sex for me and thoughts of it are now a thing of the past. The muse has left the building. Short of a large bottle of mental White-Out I will never be hard again. You have to take it over, Lupin.”

“You caught one of you students in the act, didn’t you?”

“Worse. My godson has apparently forgotten all sense of decorum.” the dark man ranted, pacing in front of the fire. “I had hoped the little brat would have the sense to do that sort of thing where I couldn’t see it, but no, he had to turn up in my line of sight with fingers up his ass. I still feel ill. I can’t get that horrid sight out of my head. His parents will have my head when word gets to them. And to make it worse, he thinks he’s pregnant. What am I going to do?”

His companion let out a long sigh. “Firstly, stop over reacting. I know it’s especially hard when you remember a student back when they were a baby, but given that is Lucius’ boy, you knew full well that the may happen. Secondly, remember that you still have photos from when his father got drunk mid morning and tried to shag Slughorn in the great hall during lunch. At the least, they will remind Lucius that he was no saint, at best, showing Draco may head him off of the path he’s on right now. Even if he doesn’t get that it’s wrong, he should be repulsed enough to lose interest in sex for a while. And finally, maybe letting Draco think he’s pregnant may be a good way to get him to be more responsible.”

“Well, well, well, the good Gryffindor is recommending blackmail and trickery to make life better. Are you sure you were sorted in to the right house? The plan sounds good, but I still don’t think I can finish the story. Will you at least look at it and see if you can just wrap it up? Most of the sex is done, and who knows when I’ll find a muse again? Time is of the essence and you know why.”

“I’ll look it over, but I promise nothing. I still think a sex-ed class may be a more effective approach, but you had a point that the student body may pay more attention to something they think they shouldn’t read. That doesn’t mean I can write it, though. Wait, don’t you have a pensive?” Remus said eyes bright with the epiphany.

Severus looked at him like he had suddenly gone stupid. “What dose that have to do with anything? I’m here due to recent emotional trauma and you want to know…..oh….I’m an idiot.” He hung his head in shame.

“Yes well, we all have our moments. But now you have your mental White-Out and you can finish the story, put the trauma back in and deal with it, and have a plan to help your godson pull his head out of his ass. Get out of here and get to work.” and with that Remus affectionately tugged him toward the fireplace.

Meanwhile, at Azkaban, Lucius Malfoy had once again managed to evade justice. Had the pure blood been aware of the existence of Teflon, he may have compared his legal standing to it, but instead he felt quite like a well seasoned cast iron skillet. This thought was closely followed by the need to go straight home and make celebratory omelets. With oodles of gooey cheese and bacon and shrooms sautéed in white wine and garlic and the goodness of warm buttery toast.

The following week, “In the Dark of the Night” by Raven Prince had been completed and sent to his ever patient beta, Blue Moon, for a final checking. Draco and Colin both remained sick as dogs, the former resigning himself to the fact that he carried the lovechild of a Gryffindor and possessed with a new resolve to make peace with them, the latter just thinking he had the flu from too much time spent in the dungeons for detention. Lucius spent nearly every day as a recently free man re-learning to make an omelet, as they kept coming out messy eggs with stuff instead. Little did they all know that a 7th year prank gone wrong was about to abruptly change all their lives, making them far more interesting then they would have liked.

T.B.C.S.

A/N: Love to my reviewers. Though I must admit, with over 1,000 views, I would have thought I would have more then 4. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate those 4, but if you are still reading this and think its garbage, you should probably let me know. As always, I still work alone and apologize for any mistakes I have missed.