Strength in What Remains Behind

Severus

To say I woke up testy would be an understatement. I could barely stand children on my best day, and this was not it. Their mewling, drooling, sycophantic ways disgusted me and I was ready to let them have it today. Fortunately most of my students were adequately terrified of me already, and I didn't have that saucy Potter boy and his herd of sheep to teach today. For once it wasn't Potter I wanted to avoid; it was Granger. I had given her detention again before I was aware of any... complications that might exist, but it was McGonagall's turn to supervise tonight, so I was off the hook. So long as she didn't distractedly plow into me in the hall again. I wouldn't be able to brush her off if that happened. I had an image to maintain, after all.

In between snarling at students and breathing down their necks in class, I thought about Lily. Last night had been a catalyst, and my libido had been reawakened. It was frustrating, to say the least. I had become accustomed to a sexless life. Not that I was a shrinking virgin; I had had my experiences in my youth, among the Death Eaters, but I had since resigned myself to a life of lonely celibacy. I only wanted one woman, and she was beyond my reach now.

Fate of course conspired for me to run into Granger again before the day was done, though not in the manner I had thought. Apparently my little peptalk yesterday had made an impression on young Malfoy, because he had given the Weasley girl the cold shoulder all day. I did notice them arguing in the hall before dinner, though I let it be for the time being. Given enough time, she might become angry enough to throw a hex, and then I could swoop in and deliciously take more points from Gryffindor in "righteous" indignation. To my surprise, though, the girl started to cry. Malfoy looked just as surprised, and also pained. Perhaps there was more to the relationship than just hormones?

The Golden Trio happened upon the couple in that moment, and Ron took immediate offense on behalf of his sister. Telling myself that my own culpability in the scene that had led to her tears and Malfoy's agony had nothing to do with why I was interfering, I swooped down on the five of them before anything serious started, taking care, of course, to make my disdain for the Gryffindors clear. Once I had gotten everything sorted out (and taken 10 points for the cheek Ron gave me), I took Draco aside and implied to him that if I didn't see anything, I wouldn't have to tell anyone. I think he understood. I almost felt sorry for the boy; he was so terrified of his father, so desperate to live up to his expectations. It was sickening, of course, but almost pitiable.

I hadn't noticed any special attention from Granger. It was as if last night hadn't happened. I was so uplifted by this that I took 10 points from the next non-Slytherin I saw. I do so enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I did scowl my way through dinner, despite my improved mood. I didn't want to encourage anyone into talking to me. They were all a waste of time anyway. Well, except for the old man, though we understood each other well enough to be able to sit and eat together in silence.

Afterwards, I want back to my lab to brew for a few hours before I did my nightly rounds. I hadn't assigned the detention students potions out of spite; the school really was low on a few simple necessities. Otherwise I would have had them scrubbing out cauldrons the entire time. My mind wandered back to Lily again as I waited for the last batch of the night to cool. I felt my body stirring as it had not stirred in years. I slammed my fists on the table in front of me in frustration. I did not want this. I was not a horny teenager anymore. I should be able to control my emotional reactions.

There was no use. Filch would have to fend by himself tonight. I got the last batch stored away, moving with speed, though I did take my usual care with the flasks. As soon as I could manage it, I made my way into my chambers and undressed hastily. I felt my need grow and hated it, even as I yielded to it. It was strange, the familiar and yet mostly forgotten sensation of my own hand closing around my swollen member. I stroked myself, gently at first, and thought of Lily as she was when we were together at Hogwarts, before Potter had claimed her as his own. The more I thought of her, the faster I stroked, groaning into the empty room, seeing her smile before me, her beautiful eyes lit up with pleasure with passion. "Lily," I moaned as I came, my seed spilling over my fisted hand. I laid there and listened to the sound of my labored breathing, feeling disgusted with myself for sullying the memory of the woman I had failed to save with my own base desires.

Still, I had to do it once more before I could finally relax into blissfully dreamless sleep.