Finding Freedom

Hermione had regarded the planned return to the Manor with increasing anxiety as the week had progressed. It was, after all, an intimidating place with its air of austerity and its sombre and expensive décor. However, more than any of this, Hermione was dreading living with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. She knew that it would only be for a week before they would leave for school and she knew that her and Draco would have an entire wing of the enormous manor to themselves but her fear, particularly of Lucius, was not reasonable, and she suspected it may even be instinctive. The portkey landed them where they had left and they walked hand in hand to the door of the Manor where Lucius and Narcissa stood. A kiss was received on each cheek and they were then lead inside for a formal lunch.
“I trust your honeymoon was enjoyable?” Narcissa inquired.
“I was not told that we would be without magic for the duration.” Draco replied, giving away nothing. He had warned Hermione that he could not act as he did with her around his parents, he had warned her that he would change, but it was still shocking. After having seen him be fragile and vulnerable it almost hurt to see him with all his defences up again. She realised that as long as they were in this house, there would be a part of her husband that she still hated. Draco’s comment caused Narcissa to raise her eyebrows slightly.
“It was for your benefit.”
“In case I murdered my wife?”
“If that was a possibility then the answer is obvious, insolent brat.” His father spoke softly. Draco paled and Hermione saw that his grip on the utensils had suddenly increased, his knuckles whitening. Turning to Hermione, Lucius smiled. “And how did you find the holiday, daughter?”
“Well, I enjoyed it. The region was beautiful.” She answered nervously. He seemed to approve and nodded, his smile widening. Hermione was distinctly reminded of an alligator, or some similarly large and dangerous creature of cold blood. The rest of the lunch continued with similarly polite attempts at conversation, although Hermione felt that it was mainly her making the attempts and their success was at the mercy of her new family members. It was not until the lunch was over and her and Draco had apparated to Diagon Alley, that Hermione relaxed.
“You did well.” Draco said.
“Does it matter? I mean they have to live with me whether they like it or not.”
“It would be better for you if they liked it.” He told her coldly. She worried that he had irreversibly returned to the Draco she had known, prior to Marriage Camp, until she found herself being dragged out of the crowd into a quiet corner. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her soundly. They melted into each other both relieved that they were now beyond the reaches of Lucius and Narcissa for a while. They had brought their Hogwarts letters with them, not wanting to open them at the Manor. Sitting under an umbrella outside Fortescue’s they tore them open to reveal two booklists and two long letters with badges attached to them.
“I’m Head Girl.” Hermione breathed.
“Me too.” He said coolly.
“What? You’re Head Girl as well?” She laughed, suddenly filled with excitement for the coming school year.
“Yeah Granger they made me Head Girl too, because one bossy know-it-all is never enough.”
“Congratulations!” She told him. They bought ice-cream to celebrate, which Draco of course had to eat by biting off the bottom of the cone and sucking the contents through it. Hermione shook her head.

*****

Their return to the Manor was not greeted with a welcoming party this time. Instead, Draco led her up to their wing which was beautiful. It had its own dining area, a living room, a large study with two expansive desks and an equally monumental bedroom which was dominated by an enormous bed. The bathroom was equally lavish with a tub that could have bathed twenty.
“You’re so rich.” She said after he’d shown her around.’
“So are you. Wanna take a bath?”
“I think we should try out the bed first…or maybe one of the desks in the study.”
“Okay, desk, then bed, then bath.”

*****

They were lazing in the bath a while later, Draco sitting on the submerged bench and Hermione on his lap. He was stroking her hair and she was playing with his other hand, tracing the tendons. She had realized some time ago that there was no part of Draco’s body that she didn’t like. He was strong and tall and his skin was always warm. She smiled at him and he smiled back. Seeing his smile still made her feel special, like she was privileged in some way. Suddenly his smile faltered.
“What?” She asked.
“I just remembered that I can’t stay here tonight. Father wants me to organize some business down in London and the meeting starts at 7:30 tomorrow.”
“Can’t you just apparate really early?”
“Father said it would be best if I went to dinner with the clients beforehand.”
“Do you always do what he says.”
“I already warned you about his methods. Please try to understand.”
“Sorry. I just don’t want to be here alone. Your parents scare me.”
“They scare me too.” He said quietly. “And I would rather not leave you here alone, but its just for one night. Don’t leave the wing. The house elves can bring the meals up here and you can sit by the fire and study. I’ll be home by one tomorrow.”
“Hurry back?”
“One on the dot.” He promised before kissing her. Granger was amazing because when he kissed her, which he had to admit he was doing a lot of, she made him lose himself. The business trip fell away and his focus narrowed to the feeling of her soft lips on his. Eventually he had to tear away, back to reality. It crashed down on him again and he sighed. Getting out of the bath the dressed, her in her baggy pyjamas and him in an immaculate suit. Giving her a last kiss of the cheek and an apologetic smile, he left the room, then the wing and then the manor until he was far enough beyond the apparation wards to leave for London. Back in the warm lounge room, Hermione suddenly felt more trapped than ever before. Her skin crawled and the hair on the back of her neck stood up. Slowly and carefully she magically warded the wing until there was no way anyone could get in except for the house elves, who always seemed to find a way anyway and generally meant no harm. She rang the bell Draco had told her would call for dinner and picked up one of her new school books.

*****

The next morning she awoke alone and stretched luxuriously. It was the first night she’d slept alone since their marriage and she missed Draco’s presence, but he did tend to take up a lot of the bed. Getting up she showered and brushed her hair before calling for breakfast and immersing herself in another school book. It was ten o’clock when she realised that breakfast had still not arrived. She knew that Draco had told her to stay in the room, but she went to find out what was going on anyway. She wandered through hallways, under staircases and at one point very nearly fell down a large pit, which she didn’t really understand the purpose of. She was getting lost and a bit worried that she wouldn’t be able to find her way back. Turning around she started the journey back, deciding that breakfast wasn’t worth it.
“Fuck!” She breathed as she stubbed her toe on an ornate table on which an even more ornate vase was perched. It wobbled imperceptibly and Hermione quickly steadied it, hoping she hadn’t been seen. Looking around she noticed a door at the end of the corridor was a jar. As she walked towards it she could hear raised voices, well one raised voice, and she was tempted to run all out back to the wing but curiosity got the better of her.
“What is this NONSENSE?” She heard Lucius scream.
“Darling, I’m sorry but -”
“NO! THIS IS TOO MUCH NARCISSA!”
“Look, they say its one of their holidays, a very important one and the new cross-species laws -”
“FUCK THE LAWS YOU INSOLENT BITCH! HOW DARE YOU ALLOW THIS NONSENSE!”
“I’m sorry! Blinky said that he would keep working!”
“I DON’T CARE! DID I ALLOW YOU TO MAKE SUCH DECISIONS?”
“No, but -” Hermione heard her cry out in pain. She put her hands to her mouth to stop from screaming herself.
“Do not defy me again, you bitch.” She heard Lucius quietly say before Narcissa screamed again. Hermione couldn’t help herself this time and allowed a small sound to escape her mouth.
“What’s that?” Lucius demanded and before Hermione had time to run, he opened the door, his features twisted in anger and grabbing he wrist pulled her inside. “Narcissa! Get off the floor, you trash. Leave me now.” Narcissa, bruised and battered with a bloody scratch down her face, picked herself up off the floor and left without another glance.
“Hermione, what a pleasant surprise.”
“Y-you hit her!” Hermione managed. “I s-saw you, I’ll tell the Family Intervention Department.”
“That would not be wise.”
“I-I will! I’m not scared of you!” She managed.
“Well, we shall have to amend that state of affairs. I do not tolerate women who forget their place. So what shall we do with you Hermione?” She shuddered at the sound of her name on his lips. His face twisted into a demented smile. Before she knew what happened, the back of his hand had impacted with her cheekbone. The pain exploded in her head, but suddenly her instincts kicked into over drive and she flung herself at the door. She was turning the handle when she felt him pull her back.
“Now now, that won’t do.” Picking up his wand he shouted a spell at the door and she knew there was no escape. Where was her wand? How could she forget it? She turned back to him, fear etched on every line of her face. He laughed as she frantically reached for the poker by the fire. With a flick of his wand it was snatched from her hands. Then he grabbed her wrists and hit her again across the face.
“Let go of me, you BASTARD!” She screamed.
“ Filthy mud blood, you dare to insult me in my own house!” He struck her again and again, raining down blows then, when she was too hurt to know what was happening, he picked her up and pushed her against the desk so her chest was laying across it. It was surreal. Hermione was lost. There was nothing she could do. When she felt his hands pull down her pants she screamed once again and with the last of her energy kicked out against him, but it was no use. She was vaguely aware of him talking above her, but his words hand no meaning. He had now pulled down her underwear and he felt her dryness roughly. Then, as he pushed into her in one strong thrust, time stopped. She knew she was screaming, she knew there were tears running down her bloody cheeks, but she felt nothing. Not even the pain of his entry. There was nothing at all. She was drowning in the nothing. She could barely breathe. Draco. Suddenly she was back and all the pain crashed down on her again. Her body was being ripped apart but it was nothing compared to the pain in her soul. She couldn’t think straight, she was going to go insane. He had to get off her. She screamed and kicked and fought, using strength she didn’t know she had. She kicked his kneecap and she heard his voice grow feral. He pulled up her head by her hair and twisted her painfully around towards him. His face was terrifying, a mask of hatred, lust and power. Drawing his face close to hers he spat on her and laughed. His laugh made her blood run cold and she screamed again. He pushed her back down on the desk and he continued thrusting. Hermione was beaten, she had given up, there was nothing left. Her blood streamed from a cut on her head, it got in her eyes. Sighing, she drifted out of consciousness as a flash of light exploded into the room.

*****

She was free, there was nothing, but she was free. She smiled as she drifted, knowing that wherever she was right now, she was safe. It was warm, she noted and soft. It was quiet too. Good. She needed quiet. Too many voices. Too many thoughts. Rips of light appeared in front of her. They were pulling her away from the nothing. Shapes were forming. She screamed as the shapes became clearer and the thoughts all clamoured at once. Run. That was the most clear. She stumbled from where she had been lying, vaguely aware that it was a bed. Voices behind her were yelling, but her instincts were told her she needed to run. Run until she found the nothing again. She ran without thought and without direction, unaware of her surroundings. She ran until she reached a place she knew would take her back to the nothing. She looked down into the Malfoy court-yard from the balcony of the highest tower. It wouldn’t take long. All she’d have to do would be to step off, and then she would never have to think again, never have to…remember.
“Hermione!” His voice. She knew if she turned, all would be lost. He couldn’t see her. Not after what had happened. She sagged under the burden of the memory, crying out in anguish.
“Hermione, please.” He begged. His voice. She turned. He was standing there. Just him. He had tears in his eyes. She turned back and looked at the ground once more.
“Don’t, please-” He begged again. “I-”
“There’s nothing.” She said turning again and pointing down at the ground.
“I need you to come to me.” He said reaching towards her. She flinched and he instantly recoiled. “Please, come back inside.”
“Inside there’s..pain.” She said disjointedly.
“He’s gone. Lucius is gone.” She shuddered at the sound of his name and Draco saw her foot move to step up onto the balcony ledge.
“He’s gone, Hermione, I’m back. I’ll look after you. I’ll protect you.”
“You were the light?”
“Yes.” She nodded in acceptance of this. He held out his hand and she took it. He could feel it trembling. Slowly they walked back to the bedroom where Draco put her back to bed. She slept instantly, her face softening and her lips curling as she left conciousness. Draco watched her. It was hard. To see watch her when she was like this. Her face was a mass of scrapes and bruises. Both eyes were black. Her left eyebrow had a cut across it. Her right cheek bone was on big bruise. Her lip was split in two places. Before the nurse had arrived she had also had a broken nose, two broken ribs and a torn tendon in her wrist. She looked terrible but he knew whatever was inside was much worse. He hadn’t expected her to run when she woke. He thought she would cry, but he realised that she wasn’t even at that stage yet. Acceptance. No, she was still trying to escape. She had tried to jump. He shook his head, tears forming again. How could Lucius have done this. He remembered hearing her screams and then seeing her. A bloody mess. With him still inside her. Draco had gone insane. His control, which he had trained so carefully to maintain, was instantly lost. He had blasted Lucius. Pure magic. He had heard about it but never seen it, let alone channelled it. He knew it could do all manner of harm. Some people it killed right away. Others it mutilated. Lucius had disappeared and while he was sure that the magic would not have sent him anywhere easily escapable, he knew the true reaches of his father’s cunning.

After carrying Hermione, who was forgivingly unconscious, back to their rooms and ordering a nurse from St. Mungo’s he had gone to Magical Law Enforcement to report the incident. The entire unit was now looking for Lucius and most wanted ads were up everywhere, although they didn’t specify on what charges he was wanted. The public fallout would be immense, but Draco had already secured their finances and the walls of the Manor. Narcissa had been inconsolable muttering something about house elves. She had been sedated and put to bed. So know it was Draco, all alone, who watched Hermione. Watched the girl who used to be Hermione. There was no way any of them could make it out of this unchanged. He sighed and put his head in his hands. He couldn’t sleep. He would wait for Hermione to wake up.

Five hours and thirty-two minutes later he saw her eyes crack open. She sat up and smiled at him. He didn’t smile back and she looked confused until context came back to her. Her broken face contorted in pain. But this was good, he thought, she was remembering. And she wasn’t running. Yet.
“I-” She began. Then the tears came and he sighed. Yes, this was right. Acceptance. He climbed onto the bed beside her and enveloped her in his arms. She collapsed against him as sobs wracked her body. It hurt to listen to her and he felt tears slide over his own cheeks. They sat there for the rest of the day. Her crying and him holding her. Soon her body had no more left to cry, but when he looked in her eyes, he could still see the pain.
“Can I get you anything?”
“I feel- dirty.” She mumbled.
“It doesn’t touch you.”
“It does. I need to bathe.. Wash off the-”
“Okay, I’ll run a bath. Do you want me to join.”
“No. I ha-have to do this alone.”
“You’re not going to-”
“No. I promise. You can watch if you like.”
“I trust you.” He led her into the bathroom and helped her disrobe. She cried out when she saw her face and body, even though she knew it was all superficial now. He whispered words of comfort to her as he helped her sink down into the foam. When he was sure she would be fine he left and waited outside the door, pacing.

Inside the bathroom Hermione scrubbed up and down her body. She scoured her skin until it was bright pink. She shampooed her hair four times and then cleaned under all her nails. When she got out of the bath she brushed her teeth, brushed her hair and then with a final decisive glance at her appearance, re-entered the bedroom. He held out some clothes for her to take but she disregarded them and went towards the bed, ripping off the sheets and pillow cases. He decided not to interrupt, not even protesting when she threw the old sheets in the fire. This final act seemed to calm her and her frenzy lifted. She looked at him and he stared back, trying to communicate, but it wasn’t working. There was a wall. Tears formed in her eyes once again and he went to her.
“It isn’t helping.” She whispered.
“It’ll take time.”
“I can’t live with it. It keeps replaying- I keep seeing him-” She choked. He shuddered. “I think its this house. Can we leave here? Go back to Marriage Camp?” This plea appealed to Draco. Marriage Camp was peaceful, free from magic, and safe in its isolation. But he knew that running from the problem would not help fix it. He shook his head.
“You can’t go back in time,” He said. “You have to feel the pain until it leaves you.”
“It’s so hard.”
“You’re strong.” He said pulling her to him. He wrapped his arms around her and rocked her gently.

*****

The next morning when he awoke Draco noticed several things. Firstly, he was still clothed, secondly, he hadn’t shaved in two days and thirdly Hermione was not next to him. This worried him the most and he instantly called a house elf, to find her. That was when he felt an odd itching at his left hip. He touched it absently still mentally running through a list of places Hermione could be. One leapt to the fore-front of his mind and against all reason he suddenly knew that she was by the creek, under the willow. He jumped out of bed and ran all the way out until he saw her. She was lying under the willow looking up, with one leg bent. She was also completely naked, but he didn’t question her. She didn’t look up at his arrival and instead continued to stare at the canopy.
“Do you want to have some breakfast?” He asked awkwardly.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten in three days. The nurse said you should.”
“I’m not hungry.” She said it with no more force the second time.
“Fine.” He said uncertainly. He was now unsure what to do next. She was lying there like a statue. So still. He somehow knew that she was counting each leaf on the willow. She wasn’t thinking about what had happened.
“I think we should… talk.” Her eyes flew wild for a second and her body was gripped with emotion but then she smiled serenely.
“No.” And that was it. Communication was closed. Giving up, Draco returned inside, totally at a loss. He had no means for dealing with Hermione like this. He had thought things were going well, that she trusted him, but now she was closed and he couldn’t reach her. Could anyone? He wondered. Seeing her under the tree had been like seeing a two-dimensional canvas. She was hollow. He understood why she had chosen this method, but he knew it wouldn’t help her in the end. Back in the house, he sought out a vintage bottle of Ogden’s and took a deep swig. Ahh, scolded his mind, and your method is far more mature. He sat on the couch and put his head in his hands. He sat there for a long time, swigging at various intervals. By three in the afternoon, he was well and truly drunk. Probably the drunkest he’d ever been. It was after another swig that he looked up and saw a vision of loveliness. Hermione, as an angel, stood in front of him, still naked, with sunlight streaming round her. He smiled, but then he saw her eyes.
“Want some? It helps.” He said. She snatched the whiskey and hurled it at the wall where it smashed. He looked startled. She was so different. There was no shame for such a destructive action. No acknowledgement. He couldn’t bare seeing her act so out of the character that he had lost himself in up in the Lake District. He put his head in his hands and wept. He was losing his grip.

Hermione looked down at him. Some small part of her was shocked that she could have committed such violence. Another part longed to reach out to him. She had never realised what effect his father’s actions would have on Draco. She didn’t think they would surprise him and she couldn’t see him actively caring that much. Yes, they were married, but he’d never love her. How could he be affected so brutally. He must care about you, the old Hermione reasoned. No, she screamed, how could she conquer her own pain if he was going to confront her with his? He didn’t care. He was selfish and he didn’t understand her. The voices screaming in her mind were deafening Hermione, but it was Draco’s sobs that racked her soul. It was too much.
“I can’t do this,” She said.
“You can,” he whispered. “You have to. I ne-” He stopped himself. “You can.”
“Maybe, but not here.” She was naked and her words stripped him. He stared up at her with dawning comprehension. “I have to be away from here. Our…marriage… its too weak. You don’t know me. I can’t deal with you and your pain at the same time as my own. I’m going to live at the Burrow until school. I’ll see you again there.”
“You can’t…can’t move away. It‘s… in the contract…”
“The contract covers holidays. Consider this a holiday. ”
“Don’t.”
“I have to.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry.” she said and with that she turned. Draco stayed in his armchair. He stared at the wall. He knew he should chase her. Stop her physically, chain her to the wall if he had to. But it was pointless. He didn’t want her here if she desired nothing else but to be away. He sat there for hours. He knew she was gone by now. Her things cleared from their room. She would be with Weasel and Scarhead, telling them. He snarled with jealousy. How could those two ever understand her? They would never comprehend the lengths of his father‘s depravity. He understood. He knew. But the knowledge was so painful that he couldn‘t help her. He cursed himself and found another bottle of whiskey. A little after four in the morning he dragged himself to bed, where he passed out instantly, but not before his mind, body and soul had registered one significant absence. Hermione.


*****

Oh dear. Anyway to my reviwers.

One of you mentioned the thing about ye olde hymens. For the record, in real life i don't subscribe to the hymen myth, but online, well everrrryyonness doing it, why can't i? no seriously thats pretty much why i put it in . and also cos its just so damn symbolic. i know, i'm perpetuating common and harmful misconceptions of the female body, but hey, its for the sake of fiction. I know you won't be happy, but i'm not changing it. Anyway keep reviewing my loveliessssssss!