Darker

4

“Hello Severus,” Lily greeted him cheerfully. As had become her habit she had entered without knocking and without the slightest concern for his privacy. But he knew better than to do anything that she oughtn’t be privy to close to the appointed hour of her visits. Thus her class’s papers had long since been graded and any documents of a personal nature stowed.

“Good evening Lily,” Snape steepled his fingers and looked pointedly toward the chair across from his desk. Lily went obediently to sit in it, “I trust that the grief of your recent loss has not been too difficult to bear?”

“No,” Lily agreed, “I think that after bawling my eyes out at the ceremony I’m mostly over it. Seeing him there, dead like that, it made it more real. And it made it easier to accept.”

“Closure,” Snape nodded, “that is good. And the nightmares?”

“I still have them occasionally. We had an essay on unforgivable curses in DADA, I had been doing well until then but last night was bad.”

“That will fade with time,” Snape dismissed the phenomenon as normal, she had been steadily improving over the last month. Had bereavement counseling been the true goal of their sessions Lily would
soon cease to need it. However, it made a useful cover for her continued pursuit of dark magic.

Snape was somewhat surprised by the rate at which she was going through the texts he picked for her. Only a week to get through the entire dark history. Three days for a particularly engaging biography of Tom Riddle that spent some few chapters delving into his mind with a muggle science known as psychology. All made for very interesting conversations. She had also been focusing on the first spell in her primer. Attempting to call a shadow flame. Akin to calling fire in the light arts, a simple child’s trick. But made difficult by the well constructed internal restraints that were so ingrained in wizarding children these days. Magic came from a place within a person, and if that person had built walls around a certain type of magic it made it that much more difficult to access.

With enough practice Lily would be able to use the dark arts, but it would take more than just her determination to get her there. The dark arts required an initiation to use with any real power. For one thing the spells spoken must be truly and deeply meant. Far easier to allow oneself to love and heal than to admit that in one’s innermost soul lay the desire for harm and self aggrandizement. It had been common practice to initiate new deatheaters by a blood ritual usually a ceremonial knife pressed into one’s own palm.

Lily, raised to fear and despise the dark arts as she had been would need a mentor to break through her restraints and reach the depths of her power. Such was not the case with all wizards, but so much depended on expectation and desire. Lily believed that she needed a guide and so she would be unable to find the dark arts without one. A magically bonded mentor, a role she had begged him all unwitting to play for her on the eve of her father’s death. Now it would fall to him or she might spend the rest of her life fruitlessly pursuing something that she would never truly believe herself capable of finding.

Magically bonded. He had searched desperately for any other way to bond her. There were few things that could bind two people’s magic together. Her father had been bound to Riddle by a failed killing curse. Great violence would do it. But he would not turn his wand on her in such a way nor did he dare allow her to try such a spell on him. That left only one option, and it was no option at all. She was a child albeit one whom he enjoyed teaching.

“Albie is even doing better, Scorpio says that he is even talking about it now. It hit him hardest I think. But don’t you have a new book for me Severus?”

Merlin! That same light was in her as had been in her namesake. He thrust a thin book at her, if he didn’t get her attention off of him soon he would well and truly lose all self discipline and control.

“I have to check on a potion,” he lied. Any excuse to leave the room, to be out of the fire of her presence. She was already reading the little volume he had shoved at her and only nodded acknowledgment as he left.

Snape only realized his mistake when he reached the potions classroom. He had not chosen a new book for her for this week, the one he had handed her was a reference on magical connections, worse yet the pages he was interested in had all been neatly marked. She was bright enough to figure out why he had it and what it meant for her. He stifled a groan.

If she read it and came to the same conclusion that he had … Oh Merlin what had he done? She is a child, Snape reminded himself harshly, never mind that he had been younger than her when he started on the path to becoming a death eater. It had been different for him, practically raising himself, an unwanted half blood. Lily possessed the same brightness that had so attracted him to her namesake, that aura of knowing that she was wanted. And now she was the one person living that he would be unable to resist. But he must try, for her sake and his own sanity he must try.

In a futile effort to avoid the inevitable Snape waited until well after lights out to return to his office. To his surprise Lily appeared to have left. The office light was out and the book he had given her was lying neatly atop her primer, she must have decided to read through the incantations for shadow calling once more. He frowned at the thought of her trying dark magic alone, but she had promised and the room would have carried the charge of such an attempt had one occurred. He relaxed his guard and opened the door to his bedroom.

Snape was relieved to find that despite half-formed fears this room too was dark. Fear or desire? an inner voice sneered at him, but he hastily shut it out. It didn’t matter. It seemed that his mistake would not cost him tonight.

“Severus?”

Snape jumped, Merlin. That was Lily, soft and scared, hiding in the dark.

“I read the book.”

He had to do something, flee. Push her away, not let this happen.

“I understand what must happen if you are to teach me.”

She is only a child.

“I want to take the next step,” her voice wavered but she put steel into it, “I want you to take me to the next level.”

His eyes adjusted to the dark; there she was in only her underthings, quaking like a leaf in a gale. So scared, so innocent, he thought. The opposite of everything he was. Was she afraid, of him? Did she find him repulsive? He would hurt her. Merlin, why me?

“What made you think I wanted you?” he sneered, Merlin why did he do that? He wanted her, wanted exactly what she was offering, had wanted it from the moment he saw her eyes, Lily Evans’ eyes. The Lily he had loved as a child.

“I…I’m sorry,” her voice trembled with tears now too, “You said you would help me… I….I’ll go. I’m sorry Professor.”

Tears, glistening on her face just before she hid it from him, suffused with a blush too. Merlin, way to go, you’re probably the first person she’s stood before naked and you treat her like that? And you say you’ve counseled your slytherins well, any fool knows what that kind of rejection will do to her, and on top of her father at that!

“I’m sorry Professor, I should go. This was all a mistake. I won’t bother you anymore,” she was rummaging for her robe and remained doggedly focused on the ground as she pulled it back over her head. That much was to the good, Snape’s

“Wait,” Snape crossed the room and took her by the shoulders, raising her back up to her feet from where she had been crouched.

“I should go,” Lily repeated her voice high with emotion.

“Hush, Lily,” he soothed, “Hush, my lovely, it has nothing at all to do with what you are offering,” he took a deep breath and bulled on “You must understand, you are very young and I am quite old. How would it look?”

“I don’t care about them and what they think,” Lily told him defiantly. The life had gone back into her; once again she was the confident creature he had come to admire. Now both her trembling and her tears had ceased, the insecure child that she so rarely revealed herself to be gone once more, and she was looking at him, with her irresistible eyes.

Snape shook his head, “You are my student, in my house; I cannot allow myself…”

“What about me?” Lily asked, “and what I want? I asked you to be my mentor in this Severus. I know that this isn’t the only way, but a blood ritual is required and this is the safest way.”

“Blood rites are tradition more than requirement, and only for the higher level spells.”

Lily shook her head, “I have mental blocks, I’ll need your help to get past them.”

“Then I can work with you, mental exercises, legilimancy and occulomancy. Both are excellent for mental control.”

“If you don’t wish to teach me anymore I understand,” Lily pulled her lower lip through her teeth nervously as she suggested it, obviously fearful that he would take her up on it. It was tempting, to be free of temptation from her, but in the end that would be irresponsible of him, letting her pursue the dark arts alone or worse go searching for a less scrupulous mentor was that worst thing he could do. The thought of some of his former death eater compatriots getting their hands on a girl like her had him feeling queasy add to that her connection to their enemy, Potter, and the outcome was grim.

“Not at all,” Snape told her brusquely, “We will continue with our lessons as usual.”

“But I can’t even call shadows yet after nearly a month of this, I’m no closer than the first day.”

“Then we will work through the mental aspect, the magic is in good form and your inflections have improved.”

“The book you gave me said that a bond established by the mentor was the best way to get over a barrier such as mine,” Lily pressed stubbornly and then in a sly tone, “And if you didn’t want me then why would you give me that book in the first place?”

Snape was silent for a moment, how to tell her without explaining that he had accidentally given her the book to get away from her for her own good? To protect her from himself. How to navigate this without crushing her budding sexuality, Merlin, why him?

“I had not meant to give you that book,” he told her simply, best to be direct.

“And you don’t want me?”

A trick question that, “As I said before, there is nothing undesirable about you.”

“But I’m not good enough for you?” her tone made the accusation lighter, teasing. She knew she had him on the hook now. Any other student he would have sent away. But no other student could make him feel as though he were once more his fifteen year old self staring with longing at his best, and for a long time, only friend.

“Not like this, wait. We must wait. You are a child still! When you are older and can understand better.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m old enough. I want to learn more, and I can’t do that without you.”

“It would hurt you, I can’t help that, even beyond basic physiology the magic involved requires it, I don’t want to hurt you,” he had the unnerving sense that he was grasping at straws, that she was taking control of the situation.

“I’m young,” she threw his protests back at him, taunting, “I’ll recover.”

He opened his mouth to object but she was too quick, stealing a kiss. He should back away, push her, run, but she was faster than his panicked thoughts. So much for being afraid of him, her arms were around his neck, her tongue, Merlin where had she learned that? It seemed almost laughable that she had been afraid that he would not want her.

“Lily,” Snape mumbled against her mouth, trying to get her to stop, to reconsider. But in the end he failed because in his heart of hearts he did not want her to stop, did not want to stop himself from responding. It was like using magic, the spell can be perfect but the desire is what manifests.

All resistance melted away. Instinct, nothing but base animal instinct controlled his every move from that point. She looked a little surprised by the strength with which he met her advance. Bestial, he recognized that in himself and hated himself for it. It was all he could do to remember the required incantations to forge the bond between them when he took her. A blood bond. Their magic entangled irrevocably by the violence of the act. He would be lying to say it was anything other than violent. She cried and he didn’t care. She bled and he didn’t care. She begged him to stop and he could not do it. Not until he collapsed panting on top of her. She was still for a long time. Her chest heaving with silent sobs.

When he was able Snape got up and stared at her, not truly comprehending for a long time. She looked a mess, but not as bad as he had feared. He hadn’t broken her in half or anything of that nature. Merlin he should not have enjoyed that. Should certainly not want to do it again. He wanted to vomit.

Lily pulled the sheets up to her neck and pushed herself up to sit on the edge of the bed, wincing, “You weren’t lying about it hurting,” she said hoarsely, her voice raw. At least he had longstanding noise dampening spells to keep the screams contained. No one would know what had passed between them. Unless she decided to report him. The thought made him nauseous again as he realized anew just how low he had descended, “Did it work?”

Snape suppressed a groan and tried to answer her question, “It should have. All of the necessary components were present,” he sighed, “Try to call in shadows.”

Lily screwed her eyes shut as she recalled the incantation. Snape was muttering protecting incantations. He felt a tug as she reached for his magic as well as her own. It wouldn’t hurt to let her access his power while she was learning, he could direct the power, teach her the way it should feel. The darkness grew a little thicker shadows were starting to gather. It was better than she had done previously, still not entirely successful, but improvement.

“I think maybe I’m too tired,” Lily said apologetically.

Snape gently brushed her bangs from her eyes, she was an absolute mess. A few muttered incantations and the swish of the wand made a big difference. Still, the room smelled of blood and sex; that would need to be remedied before he sent her back to her room. With a sinking heart he realized that sending her home directly would probably be a poor choice on his part.

“No matter, you can try again at our next session,” Snape assured her. Then he picked her robes up off the ground and offered them to her.

Lily shook her head, “Would it be alright if I just stayed here tonight?”

“Of course,” Snape agreed in a strangled voice. Merlin, temptation would give him no respite this night. There was nothing for it though. He knew better than to return her absolute trust in him with rejection. Females were trying, especially the adolescent variety. She crawled into the bed properly and watched him expectantly. He stood staring awkwardly for a moment.

Lily nodded toward the place beside her, “I don’t want to kick you out of your own bed,” she told him shyly. Snape stiffly went to join her, he did not shed his robes, they were light enough to afford him a decent night sleep and lying naked beside her would have been masochistic; he had ever been more of a sadist. Funny how easily she had overwhelmed him with her girlish naiveté.

He lay with his back to her for a long time, staring at the far wall. She snuggled up close, her breath a torment on the back of his neck.

“Thank you,” Lily breathed, “I …”

“Don’t,” Snape turned to face her, “I should not be doing this Potter, I …”

Lily pressed her fingers to his lips to silence him, “don’t apologize, please? I know … thank you, for seeing the real me. Not the famous Potter’s Slytherin daughter, not just some kid. Just Lily.”

Snape shook his head, “I’m your teacher,” he said painfully, “its wrong, taking advantage…”

“Don’t be daft,” Lily growled, “I offered, in plenty of cultures that old enough to be wed, why shouldn’t I be with you, if we both want it?”

“Merlin! Don’t make this more difficult Lily. This cannot happen again. Your poor mother…”

Lily shook her head, “I don’t care!” She said stubbornly, fire in her voice, “Or am I only good enough to use once?”

That was girls for you, taking everything personally, “Merlin no. Anything but that. If you were older…”

“I will be.”

“If you weren’t my student, in my house.”

“What difference does that make? Its only for a few years, I could be out of potions next year, I won’t take OWLS or NEWTS if that would make you feel better.”

“It won’t,” Snape snapped, “The only thing that would make me feel better right now would be
waking to learn that I had only dreamt of violently stealing one of my fifth year students’ virginity.”

“I wanted you to!” Lily growled, “It was my idea. I practically begged you to help me with the dark arts, and I know this is a part of that.”

How naïve could she be? Yes, he had agreed to be her mentor. This twisted relationship was getting deeper into darkness by the day. How much of her willingness had been the result of coercion and small manipulations on his part?

“You have potions tomorrow, this will not affect our in class relationship.”

“I didn’t expect it to. You’ll still meet with me in the evenings? You aren’t going to avoid me?”

“Just sleep Lily, please?”

“Good night Severus,” Lily snuggled against his chest, tucking her head under his chin. Her hair was ticklish. Merlin it was hard to just lay there with her body pressed against his. Somehow he fell asleep.

When he woke Lily was gone. A note was left on his desk explaining that she had gone to take a proper bath before classes and suggesting that he do the same. So it had really happened. Merlin. And it would probably happen again, now that they had crossed the boundary once. How could he have let this happen?