Too Beautiful For You

Chapter 4


Sirius Black was sitting in the dark, his eyes closed, his mind cavorting on a sandy beach in his Happy Place while his best living friend in the whole world breathlessly spilled his guts about something Sirius absolutely did not want to hear. Occasional snatches of phrases broke through his mental defenses from time to time, echoing terms like never meant to feel this way and dreadful longing in the pit of my stomach through his ears and into his shielded subconscious---the same subconscious that had kept him sane during his years in Azkaban by flitting off to the same sandy beach he was now trying so desperately to continue cavorting on. He clenched his eyes harder, willing himself to shut it all out, but Remus' soulful face kept sneaking up behind him and giving him a wedgie.

The tortured narration suddenly ceased, abruptly yanking Sirius back to the here and now.

Remus was sitting silently, cross-legged with the pillows tucked behind his back, fingertips pressed together making a cathedral in front of his solemn face. Sirius' eyes had adjusted to the dark long ago, enabling him to barely make out the expression on his old friend's face. It was an interesting mixture of sadness and mortification that made him feel slightly like a voyeur and more than slightly like a priest hearing the confession of a penitent, though petty, sinner.

So my son...when you have these feelings, do you touch yourself?

The dim glow of the moonlight slipping in through the gossamer curtains kept Lupin from seeing the amusement that contorted his friend's handsome face into a paroxysm of silent laughter. He drew in a deep breath and resumed his confession.

"So you see, Sirius, I've always admired you so deeply, even when you weren't at your best...even when you were treating someone poorly or being mean or condescending or just acting like your usual arsehole self..."

Sirius looked up from his icy Pina Colada and spotted a particularly fetching young witch, nubile and tanned and barely clothed, coming down the beach toward him.

"...sometimes even more so, in fact, when you were being painfully human and proving to me that you weren't a god..."

The witch approached, smiling a sexy little come-hither smile that set his nethers to throbbing.

"...and even though I'm hetero to the best of my knowledge, I couldn't stop this admiration from deepening to the point where just the thought of you makes me feel---"

The witch looked up, her brow furrowing. "Do you hear that?"

Sirius reached out and took her hand. "Ignore it."

"But what is it?"

"Shhhh, my dear...it's just the wind."

"---makes me feel...well...longingful."

The witch frowned.

Sirius sighed.

The beach started to fade.

"Longingful isn't a word."

"Yes but it says what I want to say better than anything else and you know what I mean anyway."

"Remus, listen, I---"

"No, don't interrupt, you promised me you'd let me say all I want to say and that you wouldn't stop me until I was done."

Sirius scowled at the BEACH CLOSED sign as he watched the witch vanish into a coconut grove on the far horizon.

Dammit.

"Alright." He waved his hand with a dramatic flourish. "Continue."

"You've been on your beach again, haven't you."

"Will you just continue before I take it all back and tell you you're a pervert and kill myself so I can collect the winnings on the bet James and I made in fifth year?!?"

"Alright, alright." Remus was silent for a moment, pondering. "You and James made a bet about me?"

"Oh for fuck's sake."

"Sorry, sorry...okay, you've been more than fair, how about I just sum up the rest and we get some sleep?"

Sirius shot Remus a look of murder and mayhem that could be seen clearly even in the darkness.

"I meant you could go home and get some sleep there while I get some sleep here. Oh, you know what I meant."

"Just do your summing up, I need a drink."

Remus cleared his throat nervously. He swallowed hard and began, his hands selfconsciously knotting and un-knotting the corner of the bedsheet as he spoke.

"I love you the same way I always have...as a friend, the best friend I've ever had or ever will have, at times the only person in my life that I feel anything for at all...I've always admired you, looked up to you, even at times borderline worshipped you...wished I could be like you...brave and fearless, handsome and charming...I never had an inch of what you've got in miles, but I never envied you or was jealous, I just felt proud of you for having it all...watched you lead a charmed life...you were the star, the bright point everyone looked to, the leader...and there I was, trailing along behind at a distance, just far enough back to go unnoticed at times but still close enough to hang on every word, watch every action from the corner of my eye, commit every nuance to permanent memory...knowing all along that you were the beautiful shining sun and I was just a craggy, barren satellite planet orbiting you, drinking in your light and warmth, existing simply because you made it possible for me to do so..."

Sirius closed his eyes, the words sinking into his heart deeper than he had intended to let them.

Remus' voice continued in the dark, soft and mournful.

"...I faced the facts of our disparate existences long ago---you were the handsome one, the witty one, the charming one, the lucky one...I was the ugly one, the awkward one, the one who never knew what to say, the one whose luck never really ran along the 'good' vein...but it was all okay, because I could look at you and see all the things I wanted to be, and feel blessed that the person who had all the qualities I so desired was someone who considered me his friend."

Sirius wasn't sure what to say...he wasn't sure he was actually supposed to say anything, but the need to do so was becoming almost overwhelming.

"And you never said a word about any of this until now---why?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders, shaking the bed slightly. "Because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. Because I knew it was just a series of feelings, not necessarily anything that needed to be acted upon. Because---and I'm speaking hypothetically here, I want you to understand---because if anything could ever even remotely come of it, I know I'm not your type, and even if I were, you're too beautiful for the likes of me."

A long, heavy silence fell between the two men.

After several strained moments, Sirius spoke, his voice tinged with the same amusement that Remus had known his entire life and loved more than almost anything.

"How do you know that? I dated a few ugly girls back in school. You'd be surprised at what a homely female will do sexually to make up for her shortcomings in other departments."

"Oh god, spare me please."

"Hell, they're the best ones to shag, truth be told...you just have to keep it on the sly so nobody knows you're bagging the barkers."

Remus shook his head, laughing in quiet exasperation. Sirius would never change. That was one reason he felt safe in loving him...he would never pull any punches, never spring any surprise moves on him.

He would always be Sirius, and the knowledge of this simple truth made Remus love him all the more.

"Okay. So go home, forget I said anything, and come by tomorrow afternoon so we can go to the castle and check on your godson."

Sirius hopped off the bed and was at the door in two steps. Remus stretched out and pulled the covers up to his chin, listening to the rustling of Sirius' long coat as he crossed the room, chuckling softly to himself at how quickly his friend made his escape. At least it was done now and they could put it behind them.

"Oh, and Remus---"

Sirius had poked his head back into the room. Remus opened one eye and waited for him to continue.

"---just for the record...I don't find you unattractive at all. I mean, you were a bit gangly back at school, but you always had character...I always admired that in you."

And with a soft click, the door shut behind him and he was gone. Remus held his breath and listened to him moving down the corridor, then smiled when he heard the muffled *pop* as he apparated out of the house.

Sirius Black, you sly old dog...that badass bad boy charm hasn't faded one bit in all these years. Once again you've shown how easy it is for you to sweettalk someone, anyone, into your bed.

If I was female, I'd SO be slipping into something a little more comfortable right now.

Remus sighed for the fortieth time this night and snuggled down further into his warm bed. He could still smell Black's scent in the room, and it comforted him strangely.

In his head he counted down the hours till he would see Sirius again. Sleep overcame him and he rested, fitfully at first, then soundly as the dully pulsing erection he'd be hiding under the covers for the last hour faded and left him with a familiar longing, warm and heavy, deep in his gut.


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