Cheaper By The Dozen

A/N: Ok, my apologies for those of you who were waiting for an update, things have been a little hectic around here now that it’s no longer spring break, not that I had much of one to begin with. I hope you’ll forgive me. Things are about to get really confusing with everyone at this competition. There are eight families in all competing for their father so that he may win the title of Father of the Year. I will list at the end of the next chapter, chapter five, (after I’ve thoroughly confused you, hehe) the families with all the names of their kids and respective ages. Don’t worry they’ll dwindle down as we go. Let’s just hope Snape doesn’t get eliminated too early! Thanks for reading, keep on reviewing!

Friday morning arrived all too soon for Severus and Hermione. With all twelve kids having grumbled and groaned their way through breakfast, the entire Snape family stood on the front lawn, all gathered around a large, rusty, and slightly dented empty coffee can.

“Peter, hold my hand,” Sarah said, taking her little brother’s hand. “Don’t let go, ok?”

Tobias yawned and scratched his head. “Can we get going? The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave.”

“Toby,” Hermione warned. She scanned the circle, silently counting heads. “Eleven, eleven? Who’s missing?” Her eyes darted frantically about. “Severus, where’s—”

“Oh for crying out loud!” Contessa groaned as one of the handles on her purse came loose. “I just spelled that thing!” Trumping toward the circle, she lifted her purse and tucked it under her arm, with three large pink bags on wheels dragging along behind her, a fourth larger duffle bag flung over her shoulder.

“What in blue blazes is all that?” Severus grumbled.

“The essentials,” his teenage daughter huffed.

“Since when is the kitchen sink an essential?” Tobias smirked as he poked Contessa in the arm. “You can’t seriously bring all that stuff with you, it’ll weigh down the portkey. Besides, we’re only stuck there for a week.”

“One week too long,” Lucy muttered under her breath, but it still warranted her a nasty glare from Hermione.

“Totally,” Tobias added. “Guess we’re not going after all, Tess’ stuff is gonna weigh down the portkey.”

“For your information, smarty pants, a portkey doesn’t have a weight limit and this is what I need to survive for a week!”

“So much for mum’s one bag rule,” Laura muttered and then stomped her foot into the ground. “Damn it, I’m going back for my second bag.” She broke away from the circle and headed back toward the house.

“No you’re not,” said Severus. “Laura Angelica Snape get yourself back in this circle right this minute!”

Again the girl stomped her foot into the ground, harder than before, managing to dislodge a large chunk of dirt and grass. “Just because she’s younger and acts like a total drama queen, does not mean she should have to abide by the rules any less!”

“I do not act like a drama queen!” Contessa shouted.

“Oh you totally do too! You don’t need all those bloody bags! No one wants to go on this stupid trip! You’re not special, Tess! You don’t get extra luggage just because you’re going to be extra whiny about going!” Laura crossed her arms hotly over her chest.

“You are just so jealous that I actually have a life and am trying to take it with me!”

“A life? You call all those stupid magazines and beauty products a life? You’ve got a lot of—”

“I will not have these petty squabbles so early in the morning!” Severus bellowed. One of the many joys that had come with the end of his teaching career had been the lack of dramatic flare ups between adolescent students. His two teenage daughters were an ever present reminder of why he hated teaching. “Laura, get back over here, Contessa you’re not taking all of those bags with you. Both of you stop shouting and if I hear another word out of either one of you, you’re both grounded as soon as we get back, and don’t think that just because you’re both running off to Hogwarts that you won’t still be grounded. I’ve got eyes and ears everywhere in that castle and I will not hesitate to use them!”

Laura quietly stepped back to the circle. Contessa, however, sat all four of her bags down and then plopped down onto the grass beside them.

“Come on, Contessa, we don’t have time for this.” Hermione sighed and moved over to her daughter. “Pick one or I’ll pick for you.” Contessa closed her eyes and looked away from Hermione, head held high in the air.

“Answer your mother,” Severus growled.

“You told me not to speak.”

“Don’t be a smart ass,” he hissed with a tone of warning.

“Pick your damn bag and let’s go!” Hermione barked. It was rare for her to curse around the younger children but her patience had worn thin. “Does everyone have a bloody hand on this portkey?”

~*~

Severus’ head was still spinning when they landed at Lock Nest Lake. Hermione’s feet had barely touched the ground before she was off and running, trying to grab Peter and Jordan before they ran to the water’s edge.

“You must be the Snape family,” a plump little woman said as she walked over to Severus and his children. “I’m Merryweather Founderblate, coordinator of registration and check in for the 85th Annual Father of the Year Competition.” She extended her hand to him, warm smile plastered to her face.

“Pleasure,” he said through a forced smile and clenched teeth.

“If you’ll just come with me I’ll get you and your family all settled in for your stay.” Her smile was almost sickly sweet and she seemed to bounce like a rubbery pancake being flipped over in a hot skillet as she ambled away from them, not bothering to check and see that they were following her.

“Ah! Severus!” A familiar voice called out from behind him. Before he could turn around the heavy arm of Arthur Weasley had slapped him across the back. “Good to see you, old boy!”

“Arthur,” he said with a nod, turning to face the man.

“You’ve certainly got quite the crew here, ready for the competition I hope?”

“Indeed,” he sneered slightly. “And your brood?” The question was more for polite conversational tactics rather than any actually interest for any of the Weasley children. He’d been forced to take interest in all seven of Arthur Weasley’s brats during their years at Hogwarts and he’d had quite his fill of them then.

“Heavens, they’re all here somewhere, three of them are actually competing this year, technically four if you count Ginny.”

“Just three? How’d you manage to strike that deal? I was told I needed all twelve of mine.”

“Oh they’re not competing for me,” Arthur said with a wry smile. “My days of being Father of the Year are over. I’ve won this award more times than I can count! Besides, most of my boys have kids of their own, and my youngest son is your wife’s age! How fair would that be?” he chortled.

“Indeed,” again Severus sneered. “Then what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been bestowed the Honorary position of Master of Ceremonies!” He beamed.

“Arthur!” Hermione cried as she passed both Peter and Jordan into the un-expecting arms of her husband. Severus groaned as he nearly dropped Jordan while trying to get Peter up on his shoulder. He rolled his eyes as she flung her arms around the aging wizard’s neck. “It’s been too long!”

“Really now,” Arthur mused. “It can’t be, I just saw you—” he paused. “By God, has it really been since Christmas?’

“Well, you’re a full time grandfather, and now a great-grandfather from what I hear.”

Arthur smiled. “Yes, Bill’s oldest daughter, Elvira, she was married just last year and she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl just a two weeks ago! They’re here somewhere, not competing of course, but Bill and Mara are so proud.”

Hermione’s cheeks were aglow. “I can imagine, and you must be too, your first great-grandchild.”

“Yes,” he smiled and swiped a tear from his eye with the back of his hand. “They named her Molly Angel.”

“A beautiful name,” Hermione smiled and turned her head over her shoulder. “Severus, where are we being lodged?”

Before he could open his mouth to speak, Arthur was answering for him. “You’ve got a beautiful log cabin just on the east side of the lake, with a lovely deck that leads out over the water. I can take you back there, its not a far hike from here.”

“Great,” Hermione hugged him. “Kids!” she shouted. “Come on! We’re going to our cabin!”

“Cabin?” Ella questioned, Emmaline tugging on one hand, Sarah tugging on the other.

Severus shrugged his shoulders, hefting Jordan higher up into his arms. “You heard your mother, off to the cabin.”

“Elyot, Richard! You can play later! Come on!” Hermione shouted. Both boys were kicking a bright orange ball that emitted sparks every time you touched it. The tiny little patch of grass at the edge of the lake was serving as a rather nice playing field. “Is that everyone?” she asked as her boys came trotting over, sad that the ball seemed not to leave the grassy area and follow them. “Where’s Toby?”

Severus turned his head, glancing around the welcome landing. “Would that be our son over there?” He motioned as best he could, with a set of twin toddlers in his arms, toward a large willow near the water’s edge. Tobias was leaning against the hefty trunk of the tree. A tall, pale, redheaded girl with emerald eyes leaned beside him, blushing and giggling.

“Toby!” Hermione shouted, not even bothering with a Sonrius charm. “Toby! Come on! We’re going to the cabin!”

“I’ve got to go,” he frowned. “Maybe I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” she blushed a bit. Annabelle Potter, the oldest daughter of Ginny and Harry Potter, held her hands out to Tobias. “I don’t want to be here either. Just as soon as we find a good place to meet, I’ll send you a message,” she smiled and leaned forward to peck him on the cheek.

“Toby! Let’s go!” Hermione called from the end of the marching line of her family.

“Sorry,” he turned scarlet in the cheeks before running off toward his mother.

After fifteen minutes of hiking, and much whining from Contessa, Arthur came to a stop. “My goodness, I’ll be needing to get back down to the landing, it would be a terrible shame for one of my own sons to arrive and me not be there to greet them!” he chuckled. “It’s just a little further down the path, you can’t miss it!” With a pop, the older man was gone.

The large log cabin loomed ahead and Hermione sighed with relief as they were finally upon it. A large wrap around porch encompassed the logs and two rocking chairs sat facing the path that led to and from the porch steps. It appeared to be about two stories tall. Severus moved to the head of his family and crossed his arms over his chest, but not before putting Jordan and Peter firmly on their feet. “Inside, everyone, and not one word.”

Twelve children and one wife all accounted for inside he nodded his head in approval. A vast sitting room with several squishy sofas and armchairs rested just beyond the foyer and spilt off into a kitchen and dining area on one side and a corridor on the other. The corridor led to a small washroom and a much larger bedroom with bathroom attached. “Must be the master bedroom,” Hermione smiled, surveying the kitchen, it was not as nice as the one back home but it would certainly do for a home cooked meal.

A glass door led out the back onto a deck which overlooked the lake. Jordan and Peter had already begun to wander around. The sitting room had a high vaulted ceiling that moved right up into the second floor, a balcony peering down from one side. “Good, that means I can see you all from down here should anyone try to go sneaking out after curfew.”

“Curfew?” Ella and Tobias said in unison.

“You’ve got to be joking,” Lucy added.

“Not another word,” Severus said. “I am your father, my word is law. Now, I want you all to march upstairs and get settled in. And I don’t want to hear another word. Absolute silence, do I make myself clear? We’ve got an hour before we have to head to the meeting grounds for lunch and I wish to enjoy that hour in peace and quiet!”

Twelve reluctant faces turned and gazed at the stairs. Lucy headed off first, followed by a very flustered Contessa. After the last pair of feet had disappeared up into the second level, Severus took Hermione in his arms. “I do hope this is worth all the headache its caused me thus far,” he muttered and kissed her cheek.

“Love, no matter what, you’ll always be the best damn father any child could ever ask for,” she leaned her lips to his and gave him a kiss. His fingers tangled in her hair as he took a step backward already heading for the master bedroom.

A loud crash thundered from upstairs. “That’s my room!” Lucy shouted. “Get your huge duffle bag out of there!”

“You’re just going to have to share!” shouted Laura, “Get over it! I’m getting my own room!”

“No one is getting their own room except me! I’m oldest and I am so not a part of this riff raff room sharing crap anymore!” Ella thundered, followed by the sound of a slamming door.

“Why do you get your own room? Get out of there! That’s my room!” Tobias shouted.

“I staked it out! It’s mine!” Contessa shouted. More slamming doors and shouts filled the cabin.

Severus pulled apart from Hermione and frowned. “No peace and quiet,” he muttered before storming toward the stairs. “Silence!” he roared as he reached the upstairs landing. It never failed that his powerful voice could halt all twelve of his arguing children. “I gave one specific order. What, pray tell, is so difficult about following one specific order?”

“There’s five bedrooms.” Laura said, hands on hips.

“Not to mention only one bathroom,” Ella added.

Severus gazed around seeing six doors, one of which led to a rather tiny bathroom. He sighed. “You’re just going to have to share.”

“I’m not sharing anything!” Contessa shrieked. A whole fresh round of screaming rose up from everyone until his bellowing voice silenced them again. “I’m still not sharing.”

“You’ll do as you’re told, young lady,” Hermione said, having come up the stairs behind her husband. “Oh dear, this is going to be difficult, isn’t it?” Moving past Severus, she maneuvered through her children until she’d surveyed each of the rooms. The bathroom sat at the very end of the hallway just near the steps and five doors in a semi circle sprawled out along the balcony that overlooked the living room, the largest room being right in the center. “Ok, I think we can handle this,” she said.

“I’m not sharing a room!” Contessa stomped her foot against the hardwood floor.

“You will do what your mother tells you to do!” Severus shouted.

“Alright, logically the twins should be in the room nearest the bathroom, and I think they can share a room with Edward. Sweety, is that alright?” She turned and knelt on the floor beside her six-year-old.

Edward frowned. “I wanted to share a room with Elyot and Richard.”

“Honey, mummy needs you to be a good older brother and watch after Peter and Jordan by sharing a room with them, can you do that?” He nodded his head. “Good,” she said and peered into the room closest to the bathroom. It was a little small for three, but she could easily transfigure one of the dressers into a racing broom bed that the twins could share, rather than giving them their own bed. “Alright, let’s see…”

“Do we have to share a room?” Elyot asked, pointing to Richard.

“Yes, I think so…you two can have the room next to the twins, alright, so that way you’re close to the bathroom too. Hrm, Emmaline, you and Sarah are going to share the room just on the other side of the big room, ok?” Both of her younger daughters nodded at her. “Tobias and Ella can share the small room at the end and, Lucy, you, Laura, and Contessa can share the big room in the middle.”

“That’s not fair! How come I have to share a room with Ella?” Tobias shouted. “I’m 22!”

“Well it’s either share a room with Ella or share a room with your brothers!” Hermione shouted right back at him, but this didn’t seem to deter her eldest son.

“Why can’t I have the room to myself and Ella share the room with Lucy and Laura?”

“Because Lucy and Laura are already sharing a room with Contessa and I’m not cramming four people into a room just so you can have a room to yourself!”

“If anyone’s getting a room to themselves, it’s me! I moved out of the house, I’m the oldest, does any of that ring a bell to anyone?” Ella huffed.

“No one’s getting their own bloody room!” Severus growled. “Now, your mother’s told you where you’re sleeping, you don’t like it? Too bad! Get into your rooms, get unpacked and if I hear so much as one peep out of any of you, the whole lot of you is going to be grounded from now until Christmas!”

Severus stomped back down the stairs followed by Hermione. He moved into their bedroom and fell back onto the large four poster bed. “This is a nightmare,” he muttered. Hermione climbed onto the bed beside him. “A bloody nightmare,” he repeated himself.

“Oh, love, it’s bound to get better, isn’t it?” she asked quietly.