Occultus Intus Vos

Chapter: Chapter 4 - Insurmountable Pains

Author: Bek Allen

Notes: When AFF.net went on hiatus, I continued posting this story over at OWL, and am glad to say that I can continue posting it on here. It's good to be back :)

~*~*~*~

A quick glance at Snape and Hermione realized he wasn’t going to be through scowling any time soon. Darting forward, she snatched up the parchment and read it through, shaking her head she read it a second time just to be sure, scowling in perfect imitation of Severus; she’d be having words with Minerva, Hagrid and Poppy when she returned to Hogwarts. She was not in the least posturing on getting him back! Unless she’d had the past year Obliviated, he had ended their relationship, not her.

She chanced another look at him and felt a pang of longing shoot through her heart. He hadn’t wanted to be with her, not the other way around. It was he who’d spouted accusations about her feelings towards him, he who’d left their relationship because of a childish prank… an accident. Turning on her heel, she picked up the forgotten tea cup and fled the room without another word. If he wanted to talk to her – which she highly doubted, the obstinate git – he could find her. Until then, she was going to make another cup of tea and search the house.

~*~*~*~

Severus watched her leave the room after having read the letter, his stomach twisting into knots a Muggle sailor would have been envious of. His heart was still slamming against his ribcage, her scream still echoing in his ears; to say he’d been terrified of what was happening to her would have been an understatement. Sitting down, he picked up the twice-discarded piece of parchment and read it through, brow furrowed as he took in the ‘sage advice’ of Vector, Sprout and Albus.

Folding the paper, he tucked it away in his robes and left the parlor in search of the kitchen, his mind whirling at the possibilities this enforced weekend away could very well bring. He strode silently and purposefully through the house; not that he knew where anything was exactly, but if this was Albus’ home, then there was sure to be a decent sized kitchen suitable for the making of coffee and allowing him the time he needed to think about things.

~*~*~*~

Hermione sighed and removed the tea ball from her cup; black currant, ginger and chamomile assaulted her nose as she held the cup up and breathed deeply. The tea was a favorite when she needed to calm her nerves and now was definitely a time for that. Sighing softly, she moved to stand in front of the window; wherever they were… Dumbledore’s home… it was pretty. The sun had risen, giving way to a soft blanket of snow that had more than likely fallen the previous night, a view that was to be wasted on the likes of her and Severus.

She missed him terribly, and it was more than missing a quite talented lover; she missed the conversation, she missed the wry humor that had to be dragged from him, kicking and screaming, she missed the way he told her she was insufferable when she was trying to get her own way… she missed the friendship. She sniffled and took a sip of her tea; they had been together no longer than six months before it all went to mud. Her third year of teaching Charms had started out wonderfully. They’d left the Welcoming Feast and made it to the staff room, sharing a drink and a laugh over the faces of some of their new arrivals and when the time came for them to head to their chambers; she had stumbled on the rug, almost planting herself in the fire place. He’d caught her then, arms wrapped firmly around her waist, hauling her up to him. Everything had fallen into place after that moment; nothing else had ever felt so right… for either of them.

Taking another sip of her tea, Hermione ignored the first tear that made its way down her cheek. So lost in her own thoughts, she didn’t notice the man currently featured in them, standing as still as stone in the doorway, watching her with a look that spoke volumes of his own pain.

~*~*~*~

A gentle snowfall had just begun before he finally broke the silence, his voice barely a shadow of its normal self. Gone was the biting sarcasm and scathing remarks; there was no scorn or malice in his tone, just a bone deep weariness.

“Hermione…”

She tilted her head slightly, gaze never leaving the landscape before her. “I don’t want to argue with you again, so perhaps it’s best if we steer clear of each other until Monday morning.”

Her words cut through him like a sharpened dagger; taking a deep, shuddering breath, he ploughed on, “Hermione…”

He was cut off as she whirled around, her normally warm brown eyes full of pain and anguish. His breath caught in his throat as he saw the glistening of tears, threatening to spill in torrents down her cheeks. “No, Severus! I spent nine years listening to you judge me at every turn, belittling my choices! Lashing out at me for the smallest mistake, refusing to show me an ounce of the respect I showed you – both as a student and as a member of the Order! When I came to teach at Hogwarts three years ago, nothing made me happier or more proud to know that for the first time since I was eleven-years-old, you could find it in yourself to see my worth as a witch… as a person. With Harry off raising a family of his own and Ron busy with politics, you became one of my dearest friends.

“When it became more then that, I was elated… I – for lack of a better word – clicked. You engaged not only this,” she pressed a hand to her chest, over her heart, “but my mind as well.” She dropped her gaze to her teacup and her voice lowered, “I fell in love with you… rather foolish of me really, but as much as I tried to deny it, it became stronger and when you… told me… of your feelings, I was the happiest I’d ever been since I turned twenty-two at the end of the war.” She looked up at him and he took note of the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“This has to stop, Hermione,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off his own overwhelming emotions.

“I know, it’s why I’ve handed in my resignation to Albus.” His gaze shot to hers, onyx boring into cinnamon. “I conclude my employment at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on the thirtieth of June this year. I can’t keep my heart from shattering into a million pieces each time I look at you. I didn’t mean to send you that card; I’d never do that, not to you. Honestly, I don’t know how it got into my room – though, I have my suspicions and the moment Ginny returns to England with James and Lily, I shall be having a long, overdue talk with my godchildren.

“I love you Severus, and it’s killing me slowly from the inside out.” She held up a hand when he opened his mouth to speak, “But nothing hurt so much as spending two weeks in St. Mungo’s and you not being there… you not caring enough to set aside any ill feelings towards me to even ask if I was all right.” Setting the cup in the sink, she watched as the sink began to fill with sudsy water before a sponge leapt up and started to clean it.

“As it goes, I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. I’ve been offered a position at both Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, and to save us both a lot of misery, I’m leaving. End of story, do not tune in for next week’s episode. We now return you to your regular programming schedule.” She gave him a shaky smile and wiped at her face before side-stepping him and leaving the room.

He slumped against the door frame, watching the snow drift down. The crisp, white countryside, the comfortable home, the warmth that seemed to permeate the entire place gave way to what could have been the most romantic setting he’d even been part of – save for the first time he and Hermione had made love. A violent shudder worked its way up his spine and he let out a rattling breath as all that she said sunk in. She was leaving; leaving Hogwarts, leaving her home… leaving him.

‘Fool… you left her a year ago!’ A tiny voice inside his head berated him.

Steel replaced his spine as he stood up straight; he may not have fought hard enough last year, but he’d be damned if he was going to let her have the last word. Turning on his heel, he moved silently, ears straining for any sound of her whereabouts. As he moved past the sitting room, a tiny sob caught his attention. Using the abilities he’d garnered working as a spy for the Order, he honed in on the muffled sound until he came upon the library, his heart aching for the witch now curled up in a ball on the end of a sofa, each sob tearing at his heart.

“That is unacceptable.” He stood over her, flinching when she started, hastily wiping at her tears.

When she made no move to speak, instead, breaking down into even more heart wrenching sobs, he sat beside her, pulling her into his lap and clutching her tightly. His heart rejoicing at the ‘right-ness’ of her in his arms, he whispered, “Shh, love.” He buried his nose in her hair, his olfactory senses kicking into overdrive as the scent of honey and vanilla overwhelmed him, flinging him back into memories of their six months together. Even at the end of the war, he hadn’t felt as alive as he did during their time as a couple. She challenged him in ways no one ever had, she made him realize there was more to life than his work at the school, that there were other kinds of dreams, one that didn’t involved bloodshed, the Dark Lord and copious amounts of pain. He felt tears burning at the corners of his eyes as her small fists tightened in the lapels of his teaching robes, her petite frame shaking violently as she continued to pour out her heartache.

That he had been hurt – inadvertently or not – he was certain, that she had wormed her way past his carefully constructed defenses, he was positive; that he loved her, there was no doubt. Sighing, he pressed his lips to her forehead, his hands moving in circles on her back in an attempt to soothe the pain.